Thittato

45 min meditation this morning. I had a really deep therapeutic experience this weekend on saturday. First I was at one party, but I was really depressed because of this heartbrokenness that has been coming up again, so I didn’t really want to be there. Fortunately some of my self-development friends had a gathering somewhere else, so I went over to them instead. I ended up lying on the sofa getting therapeutic support from 2 women and 3 men sort of lying in the middle of them with my head in the lap of my one friend and my legs in the lap of another one. I sort of «confessed everything,» how hooked I’ve been on this woman that I can’t get, or almost get and who is always sending me mixed signals all over the place, how obsessed I’ve been with art, how lonely I feel deep down, how I’ve been pulling away from that group because I think they are boring (probably because they are not as restless as I am, but our connection is really deep when we are having sharings together and they always surprise me by how wise and warm they are getting). Basically it all boiled down to not feeling good enough so trying desperately to get some extra significance by succeeding with something, ie getting a hot babe or «becoming an artist» or something. I was really impressed by how skilled therapists they have become. They are all teaching mindfulness, or body-work, or something in that category. Feels like I’ve been able to connect much deeper with people again after this session, and that I’m less obsessed. It also feels like I’ve never been this totally honest about all the nasty stuff that my ego does. So I think I’ve manged to strip away some considerable layers of my ego and all this «not feeling good enough trying to over-compensate stuff» Really glad I’m out of that art-studio. It is not healthy for me. It just feeds directly into lots of self-obsession. But all in all it was a good therapeutic process that whole exhibition and everything. Just really glad to be back at my normal job more frequently and with my daily meditation/yoga practice again, and I’m really looking forward to penetrate even deeper layers of whatever needs to be penetrated to fullfill my potential for love, happiness, kindness and peace. So grateful for my self-development friends. Everybody should have friends like that, and fortunately people like that are all over the world in all kinds of yoga, meditation, and self-development scenes, and they are usually accessible for everybody wanting to connect on a deeper level. Only thing blocking connection is usually something inside of us - speaking of which when I experience this deep connection with people who are dedicated to this stuff, then it is usually much easier to connect with «normal people» as well.

30 min meditaton today. Feels like all suffering is gone forever and from now on things will just be easy and chill. Probably not the case, but it is a nice feeling. I remember I was on an ayahuasca ceremony where the shaman said something along these lines: «If you really love someone you’ll even give them the freedom to not love you back.»

60 min Hot Morning Flow yoga class today. A bit tired today, and some anxiety going on.

1 hour Iyengar yoga class today and then I went home and meditated for 45 min afterwards. Pretty sweet.

90 min Hot Yoga Warrior class. My sleep-schedule is messed up because of those night-shifts. But anyways, now that I’m done with that art-studio I’m going to practice yoga intensely again. My healing process needs it. In some aspects I regret that whole art-studio thing, because I had such a momentum going with my yoga practice. Fortunately I’ve kept it alive, so I can just continue and intensify again. And I needed to get that art-obsession out of my system for this time. I’m going to continue to make art from home, but probably at this point I’ll have a pause from those thoughts about making it into some kind of career, simple because my healing-process needs me to be very dedicated to my yoga-practice and my normal job. It was pretty clear from all that pain that came up again when I met that woman I was so in love with before that I’m far from done with these issues, so I better put the most important priorities first.

45 min meditation today. Same story. Lots of emotional pain before I sit down, and then I gradually feel released at some point during the session where the contraction starts to move into an expansion. It is really funny in a way. I feel in such seriously deep shit when the pain hits, and then after the meditation is done I can just laugh at the whole thing and I feel like an empowered individual again.

Holy moly. This sudden encounter with that woman I was so in love with 1,5 - 2 years ago during that yin-yoga class on friday triggered some more reactions. Felt like exactly the same thoughts and feelings as when I was freshly heartbroken were back again. I had to meditate for 30 min this night-shift to go into these feelings. It helped. My experience is that these things comes in waves. I have to do the meditative work when a wave hits, and then I will feel released and feel on top of things for a while, but then a new wave will come again. Strange that this came up so strong suddenly, I’ve met her many times after it became clear that it wasn’t going to become us. Maybe I managed to shut her out of my heart by will-power for this long time, but after the yin-yoga class I was so open in my body and mind that when we smiled to each other I was letting her all in again. She is always holding eye contact with me longer than I do with her. I’m pretty sure that I could see that in that micro-second just right before I broke eye-contact that her openness and warmth towards me turned into fear. She wants someone that she can’t have. Whenever her love gets returned she becomes afraid. So yeah, it was just a micro-demonstration of the dysfunctional dynamic between us. Interesting that it came in a yin-yoga class. Kind of perfect in a way. Just got to get this pain released, whatever is still left of it. After the worst burning pain was over and I landed in my sadness, it was actually pretty nice to be back in my vulnerability. This poem inspired me a lot tonight: Absolutely Clear by Shams al-din Hafiz Don't surrender your loneliness So quickly. Let it cut more deep. Let it ferment and season you As few human Or even divine ingredients can. Something missing in my heart tonight Has made my eyes so soft, My voice So tender, My need of God Absolutely Clear.

A second session today of 25 min yin-yoga guided from youtube now right before I’m going to bed after having worked night-shift. So that is 6 yin-yoga sessions this week ? Yin yoga is the perfect fusion between yoga and meditation. Now that I’m soon moving out of my art-studio I’m again inspired to do at much better job at my normal job. Had a lot of flow-states going as I was working tonight, and it would have been so awesome to experience them much more while working. I think their increased frequency is close by, and by turning up the volume again in my yoga-practice I’m sure things will start to flow more again in that area of my life.

25 min yin-yoga guided from youtube today as well ? In total I’ve done yin-yoga 5 times this week. That is pretty awesome. I find that I still fight parts of my experience, and yin-yoga is especially good for surrendering into whatever I resist. Had a nice lesson regarding that during yesterdays yin-yoga class. A woman I was deeply in love with popped up in that class. Things didn’t work out between us back then, but that energy is still there between us, and my crush gets kind of renewed for a while when I meet her, but now I find it easier to just allow it to be there, instead of starting to try to pursue her again, or trying to fight those feelings. Pretty interesting. Actually it could have been way worse. This was just a tiny little reminder of how it used to be. I still love her, but I’m not supposed to do anything about it, except to just allow it just as it is. Pretty silly situation. She often sends me deep and longing glances when we accidentely happen to be in the same room, but if I start to pursue her again she will most likely contract into fear and doubt again, so I cannot allow myself to get sucked into that again. She is very beautiful, both on the outside and on the inside, but also she is a very damaged soul, just like I am, or was. Since it doesn’t seem to be so bad any longer when these crushes are re-activated, I think all the inner work that I’ve done has had a very good effect. I still love her, but I’m waiting for a woman I’m more compatible with, so there is no other choice than to just smile and say hello but nothing more. So many times I’ve lost myself in another. My therapist asked me when I was still going in therapy: Isn’t it about time you fall in love with yourself? It seems to happen more and more now. Hurra! Just a short little flare-up of the old obsessive tendency, then I breathe through it and surrender into it through yoga, and then I return back to myself ???

So I told my studio-friend today that I’m moving out by the end of the month. She took it well. I thanked her for our collaboration and that out time together in the studio and our exhibition has meant at lot for me. I’m starting to run out of money. I’ve only worked 30 % for some months now, so I need to say yes to more work for a while now. It also feels like I’ve had a creative blast that I needed to get out of my system, and I’m looking forward to continue to work with my art from home again. Perhaps the most important thing that has happened during these two months in the studio is that I have taken up painting again. Primarily I’ve only been drawing, but I feel very restricted in something I’ve been doing for too long, so I think «expanding» into painting is the perfect way to up my game. Seems like much more organic and flowing in many ways. I also plan to have my primary focus on yoga and work for a little while, and only continue (as I usually do) to make art as a hobby. All in all these two months in the studio has been really awesome, but it is clear that the collaboration between me and my friend was only temporary. I decided to only give her praise for our collaboration, because the way I look at it now it was perfectly what I needed, and in many ways I’m glad it didn’t lead to anything more the two of us together this time, but at the same time I’m disappointed, because I thought her presence in this project was going to be much greater given the initial inspiration we had together, but her focus these days seems to be primarily around fixing up her car because she plans to live in it, and dating because she has gotten so into polyamory, so I thought there was going to be more energy in this between us, but in fact there wasn’t so it is basically just about recognizing it for what it is, instead of wishing it was different. But 2 months was actually exactly what I needed, and I’m kind of glad it didn’t turn into any «us two against the world» kind of thing, because I will be really glad to get my art-equipment back home again, and this newfound inspiration for painting again I’m really glad for. I’ll also be glad for simplifying my life again, just having a small cozy appartment, my little yogi-cave, where I have everything that I need. I also really look forward to focus much more on yoga again. In total I’m very grateful for the whole experience. Here is my first new painting. Totally something different compared to what I usually do. I look forward to go deeper into this.

Did a 75 min yin yoga class today. Pretty nice. My favorite forms of yoga is totally a combination of yin and vinyasa flow.

Had to do that 25 min yin yoga program one more time now before going to bed. Feels so awesome ????? Yoga is my safety.

25 min yin-yoga guided from youtube again this morning. It is ON again ???

Glad you mentioned her ??

And by the way, I just finished watching this one right now: https://youtu.be/ZhwcygYOxOc Teal Swan Answers To The Allegations Made Against Her (Exposed, Fraud, Fake, Scam) Haha, I’m turning into a Teal Swan fan. Didn’t see that one coming. It was totally awesome how she explained the controversy around her. I didn’t really know there was any controversy, but apparently she has a lot of haters, and it was really fascinating how she explained how this dynamic has developed. I could also really identify with what an intense character she is. Probably she is way more intense than me, but her personality profile was intensely fascinating and inspiring. I always love it when I’m having a kick on some new inspiring teacher. This is one of the latest drawings I’ve made. For me it is now turning into a symbol representing the inspiration and the connection I now feel with Teal Swan. I’ve been inspired by many spiritual teachers, and I’m always trying to be open to new inspiration, and right now there is a new source of inspiration being established. Pretty cool ?☺️?

25 min yin-yoga guided from a youtube-video tonight. Exactly one week since last time I did yoga. Now that my exhibition is over I want to become more serious about my yoga-practice again. I’ve managed to keep it alive for quite some time now, and now it is time to intensify again. Would have been awesome to strech this yoga-period into one full year. 26th of March was the official start of this new yoga period, as I had some strong yoga inspiration coming back as I was doing a session of peyote-microdosing. I have been slacking off a little bit lately, but not enough to feel that I have been falling out of it, fortunately, so the fire has been going steady, but now I need to bring back some more intensity to it again, and I’m really looking forward to that. It will also be a really nice way to process all my creative processes lately, getting more into my body again through yoga. Life never stops. It always just keeps on rolling. Just got to keep on flowing with it.

Hah! No one has ever said that, but just one hour before you wrote this I was exploring Teal Swan’s paintings for the first time!

45 min meditation today. So refreshing. Haven’t really done any meditation or yoga since last monday. I was supposed to go to a yoga-class, but couldn’t find my training-outfit, so I meditated home instead. Just very peaceful and nice. I felt centered and present. Good flow. My mind was getting quite still as well.

So tonight I did a little bit of painting back home, and after having done that I figured I wanted to carry all my painting equipment up to my studio. Haven’t painted in a long time, so I only had my drawing equipment up there. So having gathered absolutely all my art stuff in my studio it dawned on me that I really want to get an overview as broad as possible over this craft and what it entails. Then it came back to me again, as it so often does, that I haven’t really mastered the basics of this craft at all. So now that my exhibition is over, and my mental bandwidth is freed up again, I think my next project is to go back to the basics again. Seems like some kind of logical order to kick-start this studio-colaboration with an exhibition and a party, just to let people know we are up to something together, and then to go back to the basics in order to up my game for whatever comes next.

Hey! Thanks! Good to hear from you :-) I’ll add some pieces here. The first one is the main piece I made for this exhibition. It is meant to be a 2-dimensional sculpture, like some kind of monument attached to the wall, made up of 14 individual drawings arranged in a harmonious order. The 4 other pictures are 4 of the drawings in this main piece, which are similar in style to those I don’t have close-ups of here. I think of the whole thing as some kind of psychedelic light candle-ish monument, or something in that nature, made up of smaller psychedelic mandala-like drawings. Everything is drawn by hand. As for your other questions I’m not quite sure how to answer them, but I think if I could just find one really cool and recognized place to exhibit this thing, and give a really cool and concentrated explanation of the core essence of what this is, then I think I would have been really satisfied. Any thougths or questions?

No meditation or yoga today, but I spent a lot of time releasing some feelings through gestalttherapy self-therapy exercises regarding my exhibition. Basically I’ve been having a lot of feelings of disgust for two days now, just feeling really sick of my own visual expression thinking it is some really nasty yucky shit, but now I’m gradually starting to feel fine again and inspired to make more art. I saw a movie by David Lynch on sunday. He said when he started to paint he knew what he was doing sucked, but you just got to continue in order to burn through. Well, I don’t think everything I do sucks, actually I think some of it is pretty cool, but I can certainly relate to feeling those feelings and this attitude of continuing in order to burn through I found really inspiring.

75 min combined power yoga and yin yoga class. It was really nice. I’m just taking it really chill today after my exhibition which was on friday, saturday and sunday. 130-140 people visited during these three days, and it was a really awesome experience. I guess it will take some time to process the impressions from this weekend, and I don’t really have so much to say about it right now, except I understand much better what the process of building up an art business would be like. I’m still not sure if this is the direction I want to go in, or if this was just something I needed to express for this time only - something accumulated in my system that I had to get out there. I guess my attitude is that I will only continue if I cannot manage to stay away, so in a sense I could hope this was enough for this time, but probably it wasn’t. Anyways I’ve paid studio-rent for November, so I will have another month to process this while still having that studio. After that I’m considering moving out because my friend that I’m sharing the studio with, she has been there for 2 years, and she is the one having the contract, and I’m just renting it from her month by month and even though she is very nice and easy to cooperate with it feels a little bit too much like her space, which is fine for a shorter period, but I’m not sure if I could establish it as a home for my artistic process. Also she has different ambitions than I do, she is working with a lot of different creative projects which she started up with 2-3 years ago, where as I think my ambition would have been to have more like a pure drawing and painting studio, and she just simply have to much stuff on her half of the studio (which she needs because of all her different projects) to get that really cozy, settled drawing space. Maybe I will just continue to draw home in my appartment as I used to do, or maybe I will have to get a studio which is only mine where I’m in complete controll. Anyways, this was a really great learning-experience, and me and my friend managed to do all that we decided to do and have a lot of fun at the same time. I even managed to sell two prints, which was a very nice feeling, and my friend also sold some of her works, but I think the fact that we share a studio actually makes it harder for any of us to sell stuff, because when you come into a small studio where there are two artists at once, it is probably a little overwhelming and I don’t think it does justice to any of us. I could see from the two prints that I sold that the customer really needed to feel a connection with me and my works to get interested, something like «hey this is an interesting guy and I would really like to bring with me a piece of his energy.» From the two sales I had it felt like a really good energy-exchange, but I think it would have been easier to fascilitate that energy-exchange if they came into a space which was only about me. Of course the truth of the story is that none of us would have liked to sit there alone. This is an art festival two times a year on an island just right outside of town where there are about 50 artists who open up their studios for everybody to come visiting, so there is like a constant stream of people dropping by. I would not have liked to sit there alone, and neither would my partner, as it was nice to be two people there sharing the responsibility of entertaining them, but now that I know what this is about I think I could have much easier entertained them alone in a space which was only about me. We also had an opening party on friday, especially for people invited by us, and that was totally a really cool experience. I also think I was putting too high a price on my stuff, as I have almost been refusing to let it go, but as I got those two sales in and got a taste of what that was like, I would have much rather sold my stuff much cheaper just to get the circulation going. I also received a lot of really nice feedback, and that was nice, but I’m also sure that my stuff is not good enough yet, so if I’m going to continue with this I will certainly have to up my game, and I think that is just a honest reflection, and not being down on myself. Anyways, alltogether now I’ve sold two originals (some years ago) which I got a good price for, and now also two prints, so it is nice that there is a little bit of history of selling my stuff that has started - at the very least it is a great leap from not daring to sell at all. So all in all a totally awesome experience this whole thing. It just remains to see whether this will just continue as just a hobby, whenever there is something I need to express through the medium of drawing, or if I will actually try to build up an art business around it. I’m looking forward to process all these impressions from this weekend some more and sort out what is what.

Been working a lot with my exhibition lately, which is tomorrow. Finally I’m finished with the final product that I’m going to exhibit. Gosh, that was more work than I could remember. But very satisfying now that I’m ready. Basically the process was a huge process of cutting down and simplifying. Perhaps if I was a poet trying to get published my editor would tell me «ok, 90 % of what you write is rubbish, but 10 % is really gold, so we need to distill it down to those 10 %» The most interesting part is that I feel really confident about my art when I have managed to distill it down to its essence, but lots of times during this process I can only see those 90 % of rubbish and when that is going on that makes me doubt myself alot, but I think I understand this process much better now. Probably this has been the main insight this time. To sharpen and making my expression more focused and clear. To get rid of the noise and make the essence stand out much clearer.

60 min Hot Warrior yoga class this evening. Gosh, I love hot yoga so much. Took some time to develop a taste for it, but now I prefer it much more than normal non-heated classes. It is like everything is intensified, and especially the sense of emotional purification that comes from sweating things out, almost like the emotional purification one gets from going in the sauna, but also with the added effect of physically opening up the body very deeply by being able to go deeper into the poses than normal because of the heat. It feels like I crave to be back in that intensity, and the savasana at the end of the class is even better because of the intensity one went through.

30 day sitting meditation while working night-shift. Pretty chill. I’m starting to feel more and more integrated as a person. Less and less alienation regarding what is normal, at the same time that I’m taking care of my spiritual needs. I have even started to get seriously interested in football (soccer) hahha..... I guess I just want to be totally open towards everything that life has to offer, from the most mundane stuff to the most spiritual stuff. Gratitude.