Thittato

Snowboarding today was awesome as well. I just spoke with a friend of mine who is a psychologist. He used to check in on me when I was going through my 3,5 year long therapeutic process. Not only were we nerding on every little bit of the therapeutic process together as friends because we are dharma brothers, but he also quite often almost functioned as a 2nd therapist, helping me out and giving me advice on how to get the most out of the process. When we spoke today he mentioned that I haven't seemed unstable or in an emotional process or some existential crisis in a very long time. I was somehow very heart-warming. Because I couldn't find anyone to go snowboarding with this year, everybody I could think of was somehow busy or we couldn't quite get to it, I just decided to go up to my mother and my step-fathers cabin while they were there and snowboard alone. I was a little bit triggered by getting into this situation - thinking it would be really lame to spend the weekend only myself together with my mom and my step-dad, and also on top of that to snowboard alone. Would have been something else had my two brothers also comed along. But it was so awesome! I had such a good chemistry with them and we had so much fun, and I didn't feel like a looser at all who had to snowboard alone. Quite the opposite it felt totally natural. It just felt like a very empowering thing to do - here I am dedicated to doing this thing, and I'm not doing it purely for recreation, but because I have some plans going where this activity is part of that plan and I need to improve my skills before I can execute my plan. My parents looked me geniunly in my eyes when we parted and said that it had been so nice. I even bonded a lot with my step-dad since I've gotten so interested in sports lately. Well, what was even more awesome was that after the first day in the hills, they had been driving to another park 2 hours away where my little brother who is only 17 was participating in a Big Jump freeski competetion. Half a year ago he was done with junior high, and is now going to high school, and the high scool he is going to is a high school that is specializing in snowboard and freeski. Haha. Pretty awesome. So after they had been there seeing his crazy tricks on the Big Jump, we spent the evening having a few beers together and watching the Norwegian X-Games competition, seeing the best snowboarders and freeski'ers compete against each other. So suddenly my whole familiy is embedded in this type of sport, which is pretty cool since I grew up with this but didn't quite have the self-esteem or understanding of how skills are developed to really get good at it, but still those people made a huge impact on my life. Even my step-dad, who is quite conventional, could totally understand what types of people those people are. He said, with amazement, about the top competitors: "they are artists and freedom-seekers." There is something in common with snowboarders and freeskiers and those sports where doing esthetical looking tricks with artists and meditators and psychedelic adventurers, mixed martial art fighters, pick up artists and etc. Not exactly sure what it is, but there is that huge yearning for realizing ones greatest potential as a human being, and being willing to experiment madly to get there. Anyways, the biggest thing here is, I used to have so many issues with my mom and my step-dad, (and also ESPECIALLY my dad and my step-mom), but now it feels like all that is gone and I can simply just enjoy them as those wonderful human beings that they are. When we parted today I think they felt seen, understood and appreciated for who they are.

45 min meditation this morning. Felt exactly like what I needed.

Snowboarding today was totally awesome. My bigger plan with snowboarding is just to get some simple basic tricks down so that my board is just really totally and utterly programmed into my legs so that at one point I can do a psychedelic microdose while I snowboard and just really get into the spiritual side of it. I realized today when I snowboarded that this is not recreation for me. It is work. Spiritual work. And that makes it even more fun. I have one more day of snowboarding tomorrow before I go home. I could totally see that that little period of longboarding I had this fall had paid off. I totally see why people who are really into this do both skateboarding, snowboarding and surfing. As much board as possible for those guys. My ambitions are not so extreme with snowboarding. I just want to bring some easy creativity into it and make it flow, combined with my psychedelic ambitions with it, so it is more that spiritual meditative experience I seek with it. I’m too old to take it far, but I can still make it into art at a cute basic flowing level. You know, when people see you from the lift and get fascinated by your ride. Like you give them an estetical experience. Here are the tricks I’m working on: - Goofy - Nosepress & Tailpress - Ollie & Nollie - Spinning - Shifty When all that is down I will have an incredible platform for endless creativity in my rides.

15 min meditation this morning, and now I’m going out to snowboard for the whole day first time this winter!!! Woohooo!!!

30 min meditation today. Somehow I'm having a little bit anxiety and melancholy going again. Not sure if the meditation yesterday had it triggered, or something else, but anyways, a little bit of process going on. I've almost felt invincible lately, so it was a bit surprising to feel vulnerable again, but somehow also a bit nice.

Tuesday: 20 min jogging, then sauna and cold bath and then 1 hour of yin yoga. Wednesday: No practice Today: 45 min meditation

Sauna, cold bath, and 10 sun salutations today :-)

20 min jogging today in the snow and rain after having worked night-shift before going to bed. It was a little bit too heavy hehe, but I was eager to get in my fourth jogging-session of the week before the week was over. Altogether I jogged 15,7 km this week, which is a new record after I started jogging. I’m probably starting to push it a little bit too much now, getting attached to the results instead of just enjoying the process, so I will just be more aware of that. Anyways, it is nice to have a new record to measure things up against. Doesn’t mean I have to match that this upcoming week, it is a natural ebb and flow of peaking and then descending again until a new peak starts to build up. My previous record was 11,9 km, which was the first week I jogged from 27th of January til 2nd of February were I started a bit too heavy and didn’t jog for the whole next week until the week after that again where I shortened my round down to 2,5 km and only jogged 7,5 in one week. Now I feel I have build it up more gradually. Interesting the statistical aspect of this hahah, I’m getting hooked on my own jogging statistics haha.... ?

20 min vinyasa flow yoga program today. Damn, all this exercise just feels better and better. It seems like my mood has been very stable lately as well. After I ended 3,5 years in intensive psychotherapy this summer, it seems like my life has just gotten better and better. Maybe it is a very natural cycle that when one has dealt with the majority of ones traumas and starts to feel healed fram that, that the next step from there is just to focus a lot on physical fitness. I guess since I was traumatized for so long I’ve always been like a fragile person, and now, especially with all this exercise, it seems like my stability and robustness is just increasing. It is kind of strange to walk around like a normal person without constantly being bombarded with anxiety, depression and all the different waves and fluctuations that comes from living in a constant existential crisis. So I just feel very motivated to keep on going with this physical exercise focus :-)

On thursday I went to the local bath-house again, and did sauna and cold baths, and 10 sun salutations. Was good to do the cold exposure therapy indoors again next to a sauna. My mind becomes absolutely still when I go from the sauna directly into the cold water. Doesn't happen quite the same way when I do cold exposure outdoors without going from a sauna. Yesterday I jogged for 20 min, and then I did a 25 min yin yoga fusion program. And today I plan on doing a 20 min vinyasa flow yoga program, but I will have to sleep after working night-shift first.

Absolutely! It totally depends, sometimes quickly, sometimes towards the middle of the sit, sometimes towards the end, and sometimes I don't find the groove at all. I strongly recommend Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha by Daniel Ingram. The best meditation manual I've ever found :-)

No practice yesterday, but today I jogged for 20 min again, and then later in the evening I did a 25 min yin yoga fusion program. The jogging today felt really awesome. Probably the best jogging experience so far. It was just right. I felt warm and good and the jogging-flow was stable. I also felt a lot of inspiration from the yoga, especially the quality of surrendering into it. I jog in silence, which is probably really good, because the whole things becomes a very meditative experience. I also think I will just continue with this round of 4 km for a while, not seeking to advance further any time soon because I will rather go for building up stability than to push for advancement. I think getting a stable platform established is much more important. I'm also thinking about the actual route that I jog. I will begin to try to take in more of surroundings. I actually jog next to the sea for half the round, and then for the next half of the round I jog next to the river, and I cross two bridges, so actually the route is quite spectacular and it is just right outside my door, so I will try to take in more of this my next round. I will also try to connect more with my bodily experience of running, and focus more on my running technique.

20 min jogging today. This is my 10th jogging-session for this period. I jogged slower today and it felt much better - like a special treat I gave myself. It is interesting to observe the dynamics between effort and surrender also in jogging. Jogging can certainly have a very strong surrending into it type of quality. It feels really awesome when I have been jogging for 10 min without pushing myself and my body starts to get varm and it feels like I'm just sailing through air without any resistance. Now I will go and do 25 min of yin yoga before I go to bed.

First 7 min pre-running yoga warm-up, and then 20 min of jogging today. Felt like the run was extra hard today, but this is the fastest pace I've been holding I found out when I checked my running-app when I came home, so maybe my expectations didn't match my physical ability today, which is to say my physical ability proved to be at its highest so far today, but I was probably very hyped for this run as I've been doing to much yoga lately, and I felt light as a feather while running, but my heart and lungs couldn't really keep up with that yogic feeling I had in my body which I desired so bad to translate into my running. Well, anyways, it was the quickest run so far, but interesting to see that mis-match between my expectations and my ability. When it feels like this, I think I should probably just slow down some more in order to get into that sweet-spot where the run starts to flow. No need to just push, push, push. Maybe I was starting out too hard as well - thinking this pre-running yoga warm-up would make me able to just to directly to my fastest pace. Seems like I need to run approxemately for 10 min before I'm getting into the groove.

60 min vinyasa flow yoga session today. Feels like my body is gaining a lot more explosive energy through jogging that I bring into my yoga practice. Almost like only yoga made me a little bit lazy, but now I go into all the poses with much more explosiveness. Very awesome feeling. Looking forward to tomorrows jogging-session. I'm trying to get in 3 sessions of jogging every week now.

20 min jogging, 20 min vinyasa flow yoga and 20 min meditation lying still in the savasana pose. Felt like a really awesome combination. When jogging today I felt light as a feather almost. I think it was because I did 20 min vinyasa flow yoga the day before. Seems like vinyasa really gives the body what it needs in order to enhance the jogging experience. I usually feel very athletic after a vinyasa session, and that feeling really translated into the jogging experience. I have been jogging 8 times now, and it really seems like my body can handle it. Usually my knees has started to hurt when I've jogged before, so I've given up quickly, but this time I have been building it up the right way, and the yoga really helps making my body adapt to the strain of jogging. So I will say that my fitness routine, even though it is actually pretty simple, starts to feel very powerful. I think the clue now is just to keep it as this level, and not become manic about it as I usually do when I start to exaggerate. This 20 min vinyasa flow program that I have been doing is really powerful in itself. Imagine that. Only 20 min of exercise and it makes a huuuuuge impact. And then, combined with 20 min of jogging. Wow. I think all this yoga that I have been doing has been lacking something, and that is that sense of explosive energy that I get through jogging. Yoga in itself is a little bit too mellow, it doesn't really ignite the fire the same way that weight lifting or cardio does.

20 min of vinyasa flow yoga today. While I was at this trip to Denmark with this group of guys this weekend I really got my interest in mixed martial arts turned on. Some of them were really into it, and we watched some UFC matches together and they explained to me the dynamics of it all. As a kid, spread out over many years, I first did half a year of jiu jitsu, then later half a year of karate, and then later again half a year of kick boxing. I don't know why I only did half a year of each of these disciplines, but probably because my childhood was very chaotic I didn't have the conditions to stay for a long time with anything, but still this interest for martial arts have always been very strong in me, and probably it is for a lot of people with interest in mediation and eastern philosophy. And even though my skills in martial arts are not really any skills at all, now I find myself working in a field where actually they could have been put to good use. In the psychiatric emergency department where I work we often have both strong and violent young guys in deep psychosis, and I'm often very afraid when I have to deal with them, and especially when I have to establish boundaries for them. Fortunately we always wear alarms, and there's always more people coming if there are physical confrontations or threats of such, so without much of any martial arts skills getting comfortable with this support system from my co-workers I'm starting to get much more comfortable in my job, and I also have to say that to the best of our ability we always try use therapeutic language and body language to make our patients calm down so that we avoid any violence. Still I think training on physical confrontations through martial arts would have made me even more comfortable in these situations. The ultimate aim would of course have been to guide both my co-workers and my patients even more safely through these situations. So perhaps I'll start to look deeper into martial arts these days. I think at least that now my cross-training in both yoga and jogging comes in really handy with this interest, because as I see it martial arts is a type of cross-training in all various disciplines in order to give the body all that it needs (strenght, endurance, flexibility, explovesiveness, explosiveness, etc) to become the best fighter that one can become. At the very least, discussing martial arts with people who are also interested in it, while doing my physical exercise in yoga and jogging, while also watching some UFC matches, will certainly increase my awereness when it comes to how we deal with the physical confrontations that we encounter in my job. Just to add more interest to it, instead of being afraid of it. Seems like a good way to increase my competence when it comes to this.

Saturday: No yoga, meditation or exercise. Me and 4 friends decided to do a spontanous weekend-trip to Denmark (we live in Norway), so the ferry over to Denmark left 08.00 in the morning. Basically lots of fun, lots of beer, lots of partying, lots of people, lots of dancing, etc. Sunday: I had been drinking from 09.00 in the morning until about 04.00 the next morning, so 19 hours of steady drinking. But I didn't get very drunk, only like steadily maintaining my buzz, so I was pretty proud that I could at least keep it cultured, and when I woke up after only 3-4 hours of sleep, I did a 25 min yin yoga fusion in the Hotel room before we went out to explore the art museums of the city and the more cultural side of the city instead of just the party-side from the day before. Felt really good that I could do both these things, and at the same time sneak in some yoga in the middle of it. Like my practice is an undercover practice that allows me to live a really normal life and no one really needs to know that I'm a yogi because it isn't any big deal. Came back home 01.30 in the night. Slept for a good while, and...... Monday: When I woke up I had time to do 10 sun salutations before I went to work evening-shift. So a really packed weekend, that was really fun, and then I was back at my job again, a lot richer on many nice experiences, and I even managed to keep my yoga-practice going. Though, I've started to think again that I'm drinking too much. In average I think I drink 3-4 beers 3-4 times a week. I manage to keep it cultured, but still it is too much I think. So I need to work on bringing it down. I'm flirting with a potential for alcoholism here I feel. My dad is an alcoholic, a well-functioning one according to societies standard, and as I'm getting older I'm realizing I seem to have the same genetics as him, and I only manage to keep my potential for alcoholism in balance because I counter-act it with my yoga and meditation practice. Like I do a lot of stuff to freshen up after a night out. Sometimes I can even go and do some winther-bathing in the ocean when I'm drunk just to sober up and feel fresh. It is a little bit like I have all the right tools to feel fresh and live with an alcohol intake that is a little bit too high. So anyways, as a start, I will not drink in one week. I need one full sober week (and especially weekend) now. Tuesday: Today I jogged for 3,9 km which took me 22 min and 16 sec. It felt really good and I felt I have the capacity for running longer but I want to build it up slowly. So now I will increase my jog from my previous round which was 2,5 km to this new round which is 3,9 km. After the jog I did 1 hour of yin yoga. Starting to land now after this trip to Denmark, and I'm looking forward to get some distance from alcohol and focus more on my yoga and my jogging. I think I will actually go for a combination of jogging and yoga for a while now because they feel so great together, and perhaps I will even go for this half-marathon which is in june, but that isn't decided yet.

45 min meditation, 2,5km of jogging and 25 min yin yoga fusion today. I'm starting to get really enthusiastic about this combination between yoga and jogging again. It seems like some really potent type of fitness cross-training. Maybe I will reduce my focus on meditation and start to prepare for this half-marathon after all with this type of yoga and jogging cross-training. I'll let it hang in the air for a bit before I decide on anything. I think I have accepted that sometimes my focus is on yoga and other times it is on meditation and sometimes a mix. I think those cycles are natural. Sometimes what I need is to go deeper with my meditation, so then I need to focus more on that, and other times there are other energies going on in my being that requires me to focus more on physical health and getting my energies grounded through physical exercise.

45 min meditation per day for the last two days. Today I went jogging for 2,5 km and then I did one hour of yin-yoga. Those short runs of only 2,5 km are really sweet. Perhaps I'm getting hooked on running after all. This is my 5th run so far in a couple of weeks. First one was 28th of January. Better build it up gradually. I was starting way too hard. And I was getting pretty manic about it. But now it feels really sweet.

Did one hour yin-yoga after work today, then I went to the local Chess-club and played Chess for 5 hours, and when I came home I went jogging for 2,5 km and then I had to do that one hour yin-yoga program even one more time. I think I was exaggerating when I was starting out with jogging. I was almost running 5 km and I was pushing myself pretty hard. Only running 2,5 km without pushing myself is really sweet. It is like a really nice thing to do, almost like a reward in itself. Yoga certainly is a reward in itself. Perhaps all exercise should be like that.

No yoga or meditation yesterday, but today I did one hour of yin-yoga. I've done this yin-yoga program 4-5 times now. It is pretty cool to see how my body opens up more and more into these poses. This is the program I'm using: 1 Hour Yin Yoga Class Without Props - Full Body Yin Yoga Class

Oh wow, that was really sweet. Yin yoga is so sweet. Especially after cold baths and warm showers.

Oh man. Tired after working evening-shift yesterday, and then day-shift today. It is a bit hard to wind down after evening-shift and get ready for day-shift the next day. I feel that I really need to go down into the ocean and do 2 min of cold exposure therapy, but I don't want to, but I am going to. So just writing here for the sake of motivation. After that I will do one hour of yin-yoga. Ok, it is happening now. Looking forward to be on the other side of this situation Wrote this before the 2 min cold exposure therapy. Lots of resistance, but it was awesome. Just came out of the shower and now I'm ready for one hour of yin yoga as soon as I have dried up.

Didn't meditate today. But I did go for a 2 minutes session in the ocean as cold exposure therapy again. This is my second session of timing it. I have to say it helps a lot having a timer. It is much easier to keep the motivation going for staying in the water for longer. Also I feel much more relaxed when I time it. I get far over that initial shock of going down into water, and even though I used to think I was getting over that shock because of staying just a little longer than the biggest part of that shock, actually to process and relax the whole shock, and not just the most dramatic part of it, it is necessary to stay quite a bit longer.