Thittato

45 min sit today as well. Very fulfilling meditation. I felt impressed by what this meditation gave me.

45 min today as well. Now I'm pretty hyped for this last month of this 3 month project of 45 min meditation per day. Todays meditation was pretty good. I was visiting a woman I met on Tinder this weekend who lives in another part of the country, and it was a prettty mixed experience, but I've been able to meditate through the whole thing, both the build up to our meeting, and the landing after it, and it feels like it has supported me a lot. Actually I'm pretty hyped about how much it has supported me. I'm not sure if I'm going to continue to see her, but it feels like the meditation just helps me a lot in just keeping it open without stressing anything. I think we both need some time to process that weekend before any of us will feel inclined towards more contact, and after todays meditation I finally feel landed again and returned back into my daily life.

Hehe.... Thanks for dropping by! Hmmm..... When I took the Myers Briggs test some years ago I became ENFP

2 x 45 min session of meditation today as well. I missed out on a day (yesterday) once again.

2 x 45 min session of meditation today. I missed out on yesterdays session, but now I’m on track again. Ok, last month of this 3-month project of meditating 45 min per day!

So I also did some weight-lifting this morning, and, wow, I love it so much. The kettlebells are fantastic, building both strenght and cardio. It feels pretty awesome that I have both rollerblading, yoga and weight-lifting in my flexible and dynamic exercise routine now. It feels like the only thing that is lacking is some martial arts, so I’ve been thinking maybe I can start to add that simply by starting to do some shadow-boxing by myself, or more specifically: shadow muay thai boxing. Then yoga and weight-lifting would more kind of my base, where as rollerblading and shadow-boxing would be my more atheletic, creative and flexible disciplines. I think it is about making exercise as fun and creative as one can, playing on the strenghts of lots of different approaches. At some point it might stop being exercise and instead just integrated play that one is flowing through naturally and effortlessly as an integrated part of ones daily life.

2 x 45 min meditation today. Now my vacation has started (it started yesterday.) I was feeling so worn down. This summer I have worked with an exceptionally challenging patient who never came out of his psychosis. Fortunally he will be gone when my vacation is over. I’m meditating some extra today to see if can get all these impressions of total madness quicker out of my system.

45 min sit yesterday, and 1,5 hour today. I skipped one day here, so I had to compensate today by doing a double-session, and now I'm back on track again.

1 hour sit this morning. Good flow.

45 min today as well. Good momentum.

45 min today as well. It went really deep. I was like really disappointed when the time was up, and I was so inspired by both rollerblading and weight-lifting when I started the sit, so I was kind of surprised how easily I could let go of those thoughts. Anyways. I feel really grateful. The meditation is like a non-issue these days, and when it comes to physical exercise, holy damn, I have both rollerblading, yoga and weight-lifting to take care of that - such an abundance!

Such an awesome day. After work I went to eat with my mom, then I went rollerblading with a friend, and then I went home to do some weight-lifting. Both the rollerblading and the weight-lifting was super-awesome. I'm starting to get to where I want to be with my rollerblading - just stable and confident with a good repetoire of tricks and skills I'm continually improving on. Weight-lifting totally feels like the most important thing I need right now, next to my meditation-routine. It just gives me so much more fire and confidence, and it really adds to the stability I've been experiencing lately. I was trying out a pump-track today with my rollerblades before we went to a traditional skatepark. It was a really good cardo-workout, and a really awesome way to warm up. So much fun as well. Here is a picture of the pump-track:

45 min today as well. Some strong emotions coming up. I’m surprised I already feel at ease again.

45 min meditation today as well. Good flow.

45 min meditation today before going to work, and then 20 min vinyasa flow yoga when I came home. Felt so good doing some yoga again after those 3 weight-lifting session I've had lately. Now my body is totally back to where it was at my peak fitness level a few months ago when my yoga practice was really strong. Feels really good having commited to a 3 month daily meditation practice of 45 min per day - June, July & August. It took quite some effort to get in the groove with this, so my physical exercise has suffered a bit, but now it feels like that inspiration is also back. I don't even have to do it daily. Maybe 2-3 sessions per week is more than enough, especially since I think sitting meditation also gives a lot of physical benefits because it opens up the body and improves the energy flow and reduces the stress-levels. Sitting meditation actually feels like body work in many ways. I'm certainly working on my posture when I'm sitting, and I'm bringing balance to my breath, among many things. I also think that the meditative awareness that I'm cultivating also makes me enjoy physical execise much more - like it is really good to be in my body and to explore how it moves. And meditation really makes it possible to fully enjoy without shame all the different types of energies that physical exercise activates, like the warrior-energy for instance.

45 min sit today as well. The momentum was very good. I'm going to continue this program for the rest of August as well I could feel today, so altogether this meditation program is going to last for 3 months - June, July and August. I think I'm really starting to feel the benefits of sticking with something for an extended period of time now. Although I have been meditating for almost 20 years, and sometimes in a very disciplined manner, like 5 hours per day for 2 years when I was a buddhist monk, these last years has been a lot of just changing my practice around too much, so I have sort of lost my focus, but I guess it was what I needed for this period in my life as the general flow these last years has been improvisation and creativity, but now this discipline of 45 min per day has been really good. I've have been working myself into some bad habits of always thinking (again!) that that the grass is greener on the other side, so when I'm meditating I'm dreaming of what my life would have been if my practice was primarily devoted to yoga, and the other way around, so now it is time to get to the roots of this type of dynamic by actually sticking with one type of practice for an extended period of time. I'm pretty sure a lot of mind-noise will get the opportunity to calm down this way. I also did weight-lifting after the meditation, and then I did a warm shower ended with a cold shower. Gosh. I really love weight-lifting. I have two full-body exercises that I like very much: The Man Maker and the Kettlebell Snatch.

45 min sit today as well. Very nice groove this session. It almost goes by itself now. Both the routine and the actual process while meditating. It is like installing a new software for how to process my experience of being a human being in a much better way, and on good days it feels like that software has been successfully installed and now I can go on with my life. But of course - it is the bad days that I'm practicing for. Today has been a really nice day. I've been working night-shifts for three nights this weekend, and I felt a great sense of mastery throughout the whole weekend. When I woke up today I woke up to a really nice message from this woman I'm into who asked me if I wanted to do a video-chat with her one of these days. I was thinking that I wanted to call her soon, but it is so nice when she is ahead of me which I take as a sure sign that I'm not the only one investing in this interaction. She also landed on wanting me to visit her for a weekend soon, so that is pretty awesome and fortunately I made her feel safe and comfortable about this by giving her space to figure it out on her own instead of chasing her. It was so difficult to let go of control in this situation, and I think I would have found a way to sabotage it and push her away if I hadn't had the great support my meditation practice was giving me regarding this. I'm pretty sure this practice makes me into a much more attractive version of myself than I am without it. The woman I was on a date with right before I fully re-activated this meditation project, hahaha, it is like night and day how differently the two of them responded to me. To that first woman I must have seemed like some very ungrounded all over the place kind of guy who was just totally un-attractive. I was also giving her a much loftier presentation of myself - just a lot of mind-based stuff about what kind of guy I would have wanted to be, whereas with this new woman I think I'm much more presenting myself as who I actually am. And that is actually how I view this meditation process - peeling away layers upon layers of mind-made noise so that I can get more into my core and essence. There is something very masculine about that. Just resting as essence. Not needing anything else. I imagine some guy sitting at the camp-fire, gazing very contentedly into the fire, enjoying the mystery of life. I also went rollerblading with a couple of buddies today. So fun. Accidentally I met my younger brother who is only 17 at the skatepark. He is a pretty awesome skater. Pretty funny that now we have an interest in common. I'm not rollerblading enough to really take it to the next level, but still it is getting more integrated for every session that I do, and there is always a little bit of progress. Maybe I want to intensify the rollerblading a bit for a period now. I have like established a platform of some basic skills, but I feel a bit clumsy still, but perhaps it is starting to be within reach to actually develop some style. It is like with music. Some muscicians can make a lot out of a little, meaning they might not have the most technical skills but they still take the little that they know and put it together into something that becomes a unique style and expression.

45 min sit today as well. My mind got very still. So nice to see a lot of this nervous energy I'm carrying around just dissipate. It is really nice when even the enthuasiasm for the mind getting still is starting to get really chill.

45 min sit today as well. Nice sit. Been missing my yoga-routine after I re-established this meditation-routine, and somehow I need to get some physical exercise in as well. Now I’m thinking two sessions of weight-lifting per week is a good start in combination with this meditation-routine. That should certainly be manageable. Then I can rather fill in with some yoga every now and then according to my needs.

45 min today as well. Really good sit. Feels amazing to sit and explore how my body and posture feels from the inside after the weight-lifting yesterday.

Sat for 30 min more, so altogether 2 hours of meditation today. I did a good session of weight-lifting before this last session, then I went into the shower and had my second cold shower (always warm first) for the day. So nice to do weight-lifting again. I did a session about 10 days ago as well. Hasn’t been much yoga after I commited to 45 min of meditation per day, and I was starting to look a bit strong because of all that yoga I used to do, but probably weight-lifting is a much better way to increase my muscle mass and staying fit at the same time, and also it really boosts my sense of masculinity, so I will look more into it. Maybe it is easier to combine weight-lifting and meditation than yoga and meditation, because there are limits to how much contemplative stuff I can do per day.

Today I meditated for 1,5 hour. This woman that invited me to visit her for a weekend at her place suddenly had a lot of anxiety around this invitation and needed more time to figure out if she was ready for this. I just wrote her that I totally understood and it was probably very normal to feel like this since we've only met once. But then I started to get stressed out around this uncertainty around this situation, and I started to feel very rejected, so it was very nice to dissolve all this stress through meditation. Mediation feels extremly powerful when I'm able to land something like this inside of myself. There will probably be new waves coming since I'm not sure yet what to do. Should I call her and try to influence her and possible make her feel safe? Or should I just give her space and let her figure it out on her own? Or am I not so interested anymore since this woman obviously has some serious anxiety issues? I feel like we have been talking a lot already, and nothing I have said has made her feel more relaxed. I can understand that there are some problems around inviting a man she doesn't know so well into her home for a whole weekend on the other side of the country, but she has also revealed that she has a lot of issues around her own bounderies, and it seems like she has some very serious issues around men. The positive side of this is that she is able to speak very openly and friendly around this. She seems like a genuinly friendly person. She doesn't like close off and becomes hard. She becomes afraid and tells that in an open and friendly way and asks for more time. So that is both some very positive qualities but at the same time she is very overwhelmed about this. I guess ideally I would have liked to meet someone who has this same openness, friendliness and vulnerability, but who was a little bit less sucked into her own anxiety. I'm pretty sure that had I met the right woman, given how much we have already interacted, the right woman would have by now totally felt that this man is safe to be around and he is someone that will respect my boundaries. But I guess that for now I will just have to keep it open and see what happens. I might get surprised one way or another. It is a nice situation to trigger out all my own insecurities around dating and find a way to relax and soften around them through meditation. If this is not the right woman, perhaps I'm doing the groundwork through the way I deal with this through meditation to become more ready myself for meeting the right one. I guess that is exactly what "exposure therapy" is - inviting trigger situations into ones life and to face them head on with better mental tools for learning to calm down the fear.

Hello! Thank you for dropping by I appreciate very much that you could relate with this. Yeah, weirdly impersonal is a very good way to describe it. I find even the personal stuff somehow gets weirdly impersonal in such a situation. It is like one is not relating directly towards each other in a way, or maybe only on an intellectual level, but the body and heart is closed off, even if there is a lot of attraction. I think people can be very good at getting as close as they can possibly get without risking anything - I'm probably like that as well in many situations.

45 min today as well.

45 min meditation today as well. This was a really nice, pleasant, focused and powerful meditation. I felt very inspired. It feels like meditation gives me a kind of super-power. It helps me crystalize all my positive qualities, and transcend my weaknesses.