Thittato

45 min meditation today. Feels like I'm generally much more in process again. Todays session begins with pretty heavy emotional turmoil, but then I manage to "burn through" it, and feels empowered at the end of the sit.

45 min meditation today as well. Very good sit. Then weight-lifting after the sit. 2nd weight-lifting session of the week. I have a very good routine going now with that weight-lifting that I will keep up for a while before I start adding more repetitions - got to adjust to this program first.

45 min meditation today as well. Very good and powerful sit. Only 6 days left of this 3 month project.

45 min meditation today as well. Today there was more suffering again. Much anger. My stepmom celebrated her 60th birthday on saturday. I was there, and that triggered a lot of shit in me. Basically my dad manipulated me to live with him when I was 12 and I was falling out with my mom. He used every means he could to turn me against her, instead of being a wise adult trying to soften the situation between us. I felt very unsafe living with my dad, because, among other things, he used to drink a lot (he still does but perhaps he has gotten a little softer over the years), but I was too proud to go back to live with my mom and since she didn't either have any good tools to resolve conflicts, I didn't find any other choice but to continue to live with my dad. Not long after I moved in with him, he found a new girlfriend, who had 4 kids who also came from a troubled home, so I got smashed in together with these troubled kids into a lot of chaos. There has been a lot of alcohol and/or drug-abuse among all of them, and they are all sort of a very gross type of blue-collar working-class people. With my spiritual, artistic and intellectual interests, and being a very sensitive and shy kid, it was very chaotic being grouped together with all these hooligans. Sounds pretty arrogant, hahha, I know, but damn it, they really are a bunch of hooligans. I just have to see it for what it is so that I can better understand my conflicted experience about that whole trauma-soup. And I still experience periods of heart-brokenness about this failed romance I just recently had. So that was also feeding into what triggered me, because it reminds me so much, in a condensed version, of a very difficult romance I had from I was 15 to I was 19 that was part of all this chaos I was growing up in. I'm sure I was projecting a lot of this old experience into the new experience when I was dating this recent lady. But now that I'm writing this I'm really glad that I actually went and celebrated my stepmom, because mentally I was already re-living this period of my life because that romance triggered up so much feelings from that period in my life, so as sort of a psychotherapeutic experience, it was actually perfect to further increase this type of exposure therapy by exposing myself to all these chaotic relationships. I felt like a victim afterwards, but now, thanks to writing about it, it becomes clear that I'm working on some deep shit that it was good to trigger up again. Needless to say, I also have a lot of love for these people. They are part of who I am. We don't have any active conflicts, and there is always a lot of appreciation shown when we meet.. After over 20 years of history together with them, they have become my brothers and sisters. So on to this next thing that is a very important part of my personal development: Strength training. Finally I got my new dumbbells today. I gave away the two 4 kg ones to a friend of mine who is also starting with strength training, and now I have a new set of 8 kilos. Together with my set of 12 kg kettlebells, they are all the weight-lifting equipment that I'm focusing on these days. I've found some very very excellent exercises that I use them for, and I'm very very enthusiastic about this project. Together with meditation, weight-lifting is certainly what I need to boost my self-esteem and my masculinity. I cannot be this tall, sensitive and thin guy anymore, I have to put on just a little bit more weight and muscles so that I just look a little bit more robust - both for my own inner feeling, and for how people perceive me. I was writing that I was going to really take off totally with fitness as a new project beginning next month, but actually I don't think I need to take it that far. I just need to continue as I do already. I've only been back with weight-lifting for about a month, and already I feel much more robust, and this is just the beginning, so I can just continue like this. No need to go all mental about it. So here is a picture of my really excellent and simple weight-lifting equipment, hahaha. I feel so much joy when I look at these weights. They are my new power-amulets. Speaking of which, what I gave my stepmom as a birthday gift was actually an amethyst crystal that I've had for some months and that I appreciated a lot. I see that as a symbolic ritual in turning suffering into beauty through the spiritual transformation that happens through meditation practice. I could have given her some meaningless shit, but I actually gave her something that means a lot to me. And crystals are an excellent metaphor for the beautiful state of mind that meditation can produce when the flow is good.

45 min meditation today as well. Still good, but a bit more distracted today. I wasn't quite getting into gear, but I was surfing on the same momentum I've had these days.

45 min meditation today as well. My meditation was deep, soft, nice and mellow. Interesting how I was getting tired of my meditation only a few days ago, and now I’ve had three days in a row where it has been very fullfilling.

Also did weight-lifting and running today. When this 3 month meditation project is over I think I'm going to go into a huge fitness-project. My goal is just to continue to build stability, self-esteem, inspiration, and life-quality. So fun that a clear project for the fall is beginning to appear. Meditation-Summer and Fitness-Fall. I almost did a session of yoga as well today after the running, but then when I started to calm down after the running I figured it was nice to not exaggerate and rather chill out instead. But maybe my fitness-project can be built around weight-lifting, running and yoga. I want to become as atletic as I can possibly get. But I think the primary focus should be weight-lifting, with yoga and running being supplements.

45 min today as well. A deep, rich, and fullfilling experience.

45 min meditation today as well. Today it was finally deeply satisfying again.

Totally awesome day at work this evening. Such a great flow. I was working with a bi-polar patient that I like very much. We have pretty awesome therapist / client chemistry. The most awesome moment was when she was lying in a reclining chair and I was doing a guided relaxation for her by playing guitar and singing mantras. She is so high in her mania right now that she talks non-stop all day long, but this was the only moment when she was quiet and she thought it was beautiful to listen to and she had tears in her eyes. She said it was a healing experience. With her it is a mutual experience of really appreciating someone. I see her, and she sees me. Pretty damn cool. Among all the challenging situations at my work, moments like these are what really makes it worth it. Feels like I'm back in my purpose again and that I have forgotten about this woman. I will find someone who is far better.

Didn't sit yesterday, so I compensated today by doubling my sitting-time. First I sat for 1 hour, then I did weight-lifting, and then 1 hour with yin-yoga and then 30 min meditation. Pretty awesome session. I'm still a bit fed up with this 45 min of meditation per day commitment, so I'm looking forward to this month is over and I'm finished with this commitment. Only 12 days left.

45 min meditation today. Meditation gave me some help, but I’ve felt tormented this whole day. I’m pretty dark about this second wave of corona looming on the horizon while fall is getting closer and I have booted myself into a failed romance which has ripped up in a lot of loneliness and hopelessness. I guess I need to take in the totality of what is going to take some work in the coming days / weeks.

45 min meditation today as well. Good flow again, but I think I will shorten my meditation down to 30 min per day after this month is over. After meditation I did weight-lifting. Burpees, Man Makers and Double Kettlebell Snatch. So inspired by these exercises.

45 min meditation today as well. Now I’m starting to get really fed up with this meditation routine, and I’m starting to look forward to the end of this month when this 3-month project will be over.

45 min meditation today. I finally pierced through this subtle resistance, boredom and dis-interest in meditation which have been going on lately (among the obviously much more challenging sensations which have also been going on). It was a feeling that finally my meditation got back into gear again. Later I also did a session of weight-lifting. Man Maker with dumbbells, and Double Kettlebell Snatch, are my favourite exercises. They are both full-body exercises. Perhaps it is because of my interest in yoga that I like full-body exercises so much. I'm going to do a session of yoga in the comming days as well. Seems like Man Maker, Double Kettlebell Snatch and Vinyasa Flow Yoga is a really excellent combination for superb physical fitness.

45 min meditation today. I'm feeling less vulnerable today. Still not super-interested in my meditation, but I was almost penetrating through the subtle resistance and boredom I had going. Feeling more normal again today after this failed romance. Feels like I have moved on now. It was inspiring to be back at my job tonight, whereas the two first days (this was the third) I felt really tired. Feeling closer connection with my co-workers. Getting back into my purpose.

Finished the last 15 min of todays meditation with a good session of walking-meditation. Surrendering into vulnerability and sadness.

Really good and deep meditation yesterday. 30 min meditation today which was totally distracted. I got 15 min more to do which I will do later today.

45 min meditation today as well. My interests are everywhere else, but at least I got it down.

Some relief from the "second wave" of the emotional consequences of this failed romance. The last time this happened was last summer and then I went ahead a bought a one month pass at the yoga-studio nearby in order to do a lot of yoga to bake it out of my body. So harsh to spend 40 days intensely getting to know someone you really like, and then it is just dead stop. It almost felt like I had a girlfriend again, and it felt like I had overcome my patterns of going strongly ON / OFF so that I could develop at relation with her much more naturally and smoothly. She was doing a lot of the chasing as well. But then, *BOOM,* no more of that. Doesn't exactly feel like my heart is broken, although I was somewhat in love with her, but it certainly feels like I'm in some kind of shock related to being rejected. I'm pretty down on myself for being such a wimp on our weekend long second date as well. But I had to calm her down so much because she had so much anxiety about me visiting for a whole weekend after only having met once, so I guess it costed me a lot to go through these emotional rollercoasters with her on chat, phone and video-chat. It was very fun getting to know her as well, but I guess I was pretty exhausted when I finally arrived at her place. Been working with an extremly demanding psychiatric patient as well for this whole time I was getting to know her, and then I had this romantic thriller to deal with simultanously. The whole thing feels like a huge failure now. I hope it will be evident in a few days that I've also grown a lot from this, but right now I'm just in some pretty heavy withdrawal-symptoms for not having her in my life anymore. It feels so good having a woman in your life who is really eager to get to know you, especially when you like her as much as I did, and now that she is gone, wow, it feels so empty. I often have some kind of flirt or some kind of energy going on with one or more women, but as soon as we are actually getting to know each other it just goes haywire immeditaly. I must have some pretty messed up energies when it comes to the opposite sex. I'd be pretty crushed if I didn't at least get some signals back that women find me attractive, but it seems like a handful of them actually do and develop a fascination for me from the distance, but as soon as we we get any opportunity to explore our fascination for each other more closely it is just that same short-lived chaos over and over again. I guess I have an interesting personality, and I'm pretty different from most people, and I'm also usually a very positive and friendly guy with a lot of passions, but yeah, something is totally screwed up regarding how I relate to sexual energies. There must be some kind of solution to this. There must be a way to get more in tune with the sexual energies. I cannot exactly say that meditation has helped me so much with this so far. But maybe I can explore this more intentionally.

Some weight-lifting and then 45 min more of meditation. It feels pretty bad still. Guess I will just have to give it time.

45 min meditation today. The meditation was very good. Felt like this huge contraction I had in my body had dissolved, and the energy was flowing very freely. Yesterday it was burning emotional pain from that date that didn't work out. When I meditated today it was mild grief, and like this strong shock had turned into softer emotions that seemds to be flowing. However, I had very little energy after the meditation, so I went back to bed again, and now I'm feeling pretty depressed. I will try to just stay in the depression and not fight it. It really sucks that I did such a bad job on this date when it seemed like we both wanted it to work out so much. There was tons of mixed signals in all directions. I guess, even though we both liked each other so much, we must have both projected at lot of fears and insecurities into the field between us, so that we must have both felt very restricted within this field between us. I imagine had I just kissed her in the right moments the blocked energy between us would have dissolved and magic would have appeared, but I was getting so into my head of operating within this restricted energy. It is kind of very strange that we also had a lot of fun and enjoyed each others company so much, but I guess we were both trying our best to get as close to each other as we could. I don't understand why I keep attracting such dysfunctional dating-situations into my life. It feels like I've done so much work on myself. But I guess the energy I'm sending out is still somewhat chaotic. And that is why I'm having this 3 month project of meditating 45 min per day. My spiritual journey these last years has still been somewhat colored by my ADHD-tendencies jumping back and forth between various types of practice, so it is good that now I have decided to stick with my meditation-practice again, and probably I just haven't gotten completely to the roots of these patterns. I still haven't landed in myself, so I attract others with this same type of chaos. I'll probably be glad that I'm getting a challenge like this as part of my 3 month meditation project. This project was going very well, so when I've healed from the hurt feelings I experience right now I'm sure the benefits will be even clearer. I'll do one more session of 45 min now just to really allow myself to feel this depression fully.

30 more min of meditation today, so altogether 2 hours. I think I was able to burn through this shit. At least the first wave of it. Me and a really good friend was out on the open ocean with his speed-boat jumping on pretty awesome waves. And then we went and did a 30 min meditation together at an island where this light-house is situated:

2 x 45 min meditation today. I'm going to do more sessions today. It burns really hard. This weekend last weekend I was spending together with that woman I was dating, I screwed it up really hard in hindsight. I get into a very disempowered state when I fall in love with someone, and there was a lot of opportunities for kissing her and probably getting sexual - like we where sitting in front of a fire after having played guitar together and shared some beers, and I was holding around her and she was leaning her head against my shoulder. And the next day we were lying in the sun holding hands on top of a mountain top. It was a very good and fun vibe between us, but also a lot of insecurity. It feels so bad when it is this close to getting really romantic but then I just get really paralyzed because of my own sense of disempowerment and I totally just become a shadow of my own power. She can't have felt much of my masculinity at all. I spoke with her yesterday, and she totally wasn't up for anything more because she didn't feel it. All it would have taken would have been to kiss her in the right moment. I'm sure magic would have opened up between us then. But I failed. And now I can only let it burn. To make some positive meaning out of this I just got to see it as interesting that also this experience becomes a part of this 3 months of daily meditation project. This is exposure therapy for me. I always get into a very disempowered state when I get a crush on someone. And hopefully this burning I'm experiencing right now is also bringing with it a purification that helps me stay in a much more empowered state the next time I really like someone. I sensed in both these meditations today that the burning pain was turning into burning power and passion. And I was enough in my center to actually get very close to this woman. I would have screwed it up much quicker if I hadn't been keeping this meditation-discipline going. But still, it was just not enough. Got to continue to purify myself so that I can actually really like someone and also be in a much more empowered state at the same time. I'll do one more meditation right now to feel even deeper into the burning pain.

45 min today as well. Good sit.