Thittato

20 min yoga nidra today as well. Been very attracted towards yoga nidra lately. So nice to just lie in my bed and receive instructions about where to put my attention.

20 min yoga nidra today. It was so sweet. I was lying in my bed for 10 min after it just soaking up the effects. That gave me an even deeper rest. This project of getting a loan and searching for an appartment to buy has been pretty exhausting. So far I have been heavily involved with 3 appartments that I went to see and spoke with a lot with the sellers, started to dream and fantasize a lot about moving my life in to all three of them. But so far it hasn't clicked with any of them. Almost gave a bid for one today where I went to see it a second time. I'm pretty sure the guy selling it thinks a bid from me can tick in any time. He is pushing me quite a bit, but in a friendly and comfortable way, and he can see I'm on the edge of almost commiting. I went home, talked with my bank again, and they gave me the green light for that appartment as well. But then I couldn't do it. I now I have sort of resigned. Maybe I will have to let all three of these appartments go. Well, one of them is already sold, and another one I'm not interested in anymore, so there is only one left, the one from today. But maybe this is just the first round of this type of session. Now I need to process and digest everything I have learned about this process. It was only 8 days ago that I had a meeting with the bank and found out I satisfied their requirements for giving out a loan. Before that I thought owning my own home was very very far away. So maybe I don't need to rush anything. It is probably wiser to take my time. I have already learned so much from this process that has been going on for 8 days now. Seems like this is the same as with dating. If it doesn't click something else (and perhaps better or more right) will always come along. Maybe that is not an eternal truth. I see it could easily dry up as well. But I believe that as long as I maintain my spiritual practice then I will continue to attract abundance into my life. Maybe that is because the fruits of meditation practice are its own abundance, which means, they are independent of external results, so in a way one achieves a certain level of freedom from the conventional sense of success, and to emanate that type of freedom is very attractive I believe. But in the end, abundance, or not abundance, I just want to be happy with living a simple and fun life. This thing about attracting abundance into ones life can easily become a little bit too New Agey.

30 min meditation today as well. Distracted today too. I’m just finished with my first round ever of being involved with bidding for an appartment I was interested in. Went to see it yesterday, and then the bidding-round started today. I was almost willing to give the price they wanted for it, and I was sitting with the finger on the trigger, but I couldn’t quite pull it off, and I went back and forth many times, but eventually the bidding-round started to accelerate beyond the price that was declared as what they wanted, even though the bidding round started really low and slow, so I was never bidding anything myself, but I was heavily involved as the company selling this appartment kept calling me to see where I was standing, and I kept calling both mom and dad to discuss the development in this bidding-round and whether or not I was ready to give my own bid. Hahha. Pretty intense process. Eventually I just landed on that the price had gotten too high and that I want to observe the marked and how these processes work a bit longer because this is all so new to me so I better not end up making a hurried decision that I’ll end up regretting. I guess since I wasn’t really willing to give the original price they wanted when the bidding-round was lower than that that means I wasn’t really sold on the project and I’m waiting for something that is more right to enter the marked. But damn, this was close and intense hahaha. What a rush.

30 min meditation today, and then 20 min yoga nidra. Didn't really get in the groove with the meditation today. I was distracted. So I was disappointed and wanted something more out of my practice and yoga nidra turned out to be a really good choice. I was really getting into the groove with yoga nidra. I was tired before this, but now I feel really well-rested.

30 min meditation today. Gosh, I love this stuff. I can feel so totally miserable and that my whole life is a failure and etc, but one good meditation and everything feels perfect again. These are all just perspectives floating through my mind, and my meditation is certainly increasing the flow so that these frequencies vibrate on a much higher level and it becomes much more comfortable to inhabit this body/mind complex. There is also something about totally allowing oneself to feel as utterly miserable as one possibly can in order to let that feeling express itself. There is so much shame around being successful or not, and so many times we try to fake sucess in our own minds - creating this projected version of ourselves, the fake narcissistic self which is trying to compensate for feelings of low self-worth. I clearly have some layers still of these feelings that needs to be aired out of my being through opening up as much as I possibly can to the depths of my own being. So I can only expect this seemingly "spiritual bi-polarism" to continue for some more time, alternating between expansions and contractions.

Thank you! My practice goes in cycles. I don't have a goal of sitting every day, unless I have a dedicated period for exactly that. This summer I sat 45 min per day for 3 months. And now I'm decompressing after that. I'm just keeping track of my cycles here. Trying to always find the perfect balance for exactly what I need in any given moment to maintain myself as a sane and friendly human being. Sometimes I need to sharpen up my practice and be more disciplined, other times I just need to totally let it go, but it always seems to come back soon enough, somehow. What is your practice like?

30 min meditation today. Feeling really good and powerful about it. Interesting how it can switch so much back and forth between being the most boring stuff ever that I just have to go through the motions to get through, and this other side where it feels like it is the most awesome thing I can possibly do.

30 min meditation today. Didn't meditate yesterday. Been a little bit down today. Helped to meditate. I've been very caught up in my tendencies to get very inspired by my creative projects lately. First it was rollerblading, then it was guitar. I used to get a very strong counter-reaction towards this tendency before. Like I would suck all the inspiration totally dry and then get disgusted by whatever I was so inspired by. Now it feels more like some familiar tendencies going on. So I'm expecting that there will be a certain backlash whenever I get very inspired by something. But I guess it still has that component of loosing touch with myself and then identifying with some mental projecting of myself doing whatever I'm so inspired by in that moment. But I think I'm more realistic about that as well.

30 min meditation yesterday, and 30 min today. Before this I don't think I have meditated since sunday. There has been a lot going on. Most importantly I have been speaking with the bank, and now I can finally get a loan so that I can buy my own appartment. Yesterday, when I was getting a green light for this, I was having so much panic. Didn't feel ready for such a commitment. Wanting to just continue to be free and continue to just float around (even though I have been living in the same appartment for 4 years now, but I like the cheap rent and that I can just decide to leave anytime I want). But now, after this panic has been processed, I'm really looking forward to creating my own home that is totally my own, and which is bigger than where I am currently living. I'm fantasizing about a bigger kitchen so that I can make more food and invite guests for dinner. It also make me motivated to work more so that I can make more money and pay down this loan, and build up some capital that can be invested into an even better home further down the road. Since I also have a carpenter education, I'm looking forward to get more nerdy about my own home. When I'm just renting I feel indifferent towards the technicalities of this building, but when something is going to be my own, that will certainly give me a much stronger feeling of ownership and I think that will put me back in touch with all the stuff I learned as a carpenter. Yeah, this is totally the right thing. No more dreaming about going off into the jungle to pursue some kind of shamanistic path for a while (I've had plenty of spiritual adventures before so time to let go of the freedom to just strike out on a new one whenever I feel like). Time to just land even further here in my home-town and in my job.

So I’ve been playing much more guitar in my job lately. This is my 4th day at work now. Been working friday, saturday, sunday and monday (today), and I’ve been playing guitar for 4 psychiatric patients these days, and they all really liked it. I used to be so shy about playing in my job, but now I’m really starting to let go of that shyness. Just now I’m sitting here with a very chaotic and violent young woman who is a substance abuser, and she has made so much chaos this whole night and was very tired this morning when I went on. We have to keep her in isolation until the doctor will see her and decide what is next for her. Anyways, so this is really boring for her, and even though I’m here with her, offering her to sit and talk with me isn’t the most interesting for her, but when I offered to play guitar for her she became really enthusiastic and stopped talking about trying to break out from here, and it didn’t take long before she fell asleep her on the sofa. My mantras where like singing her lullabies. This guitar can become such a powerful tool in my job. Now she is finally getting some rest, and I can just sit here and chill and get paid for it instead of being in conflict with a violent substance abuser. Probably she would have fallen asleep soon or at some point anyways, because she has been going for 6 nights without sleep. But thanks to singing and guitar-playing I was able to make that transition so much smoother, and probably she finally felt safe and stopped resisting her own tiredness and gave herself over to what her body needed. If I can just continue with this this is like a dream becoming true.

1 hour meditation this morning. Felt really really good and soothing. Life has been so awesome lately these last couple of days, hahha, that I needed a really good chunk of meditation this morning to help me keep my feet on the ground and not get too sucked up into manic energy, and also in order to re-charge. Feels like I managed to balance this manic energy I was in in this buzz, and now I only feel calm, happy, and well-rested.

45 min meditation this morning. So damn inspired by rollerblading again hahah.

30 min meditation yesterday, and today as well. Today I was in a skatehall again with my rollerblades. Damn, I was getting into such a flow-state. Finally I'm really starting to get somewhere with skating. It has been a very slow progress since I started up again this spring, but this time I could see a lot of progress. This indoor skatepark is really perfect for making progress. It has all the things. Nice stuff to warm up with before moving on to more serious stuff. I was there with my friends on the senior skate hahaha.. I thought I was going to dial down this skating chapter, but now it seems I'll rather dial it back up again. Looking forward to see how all this rollerblading is translating into my snowboarding when the snowboard season starts.

30 min meditation today as well. Feels really good to have this routine going. And now this obsession with that woman is finally really starting to dissolve from my system. Feels like I'm getting my life back again. Damn. Some crazy shit just happens with me when I get a crush on someone. It is like I'm spellbound or struck by lightening. And because of that state which get triggered it is really difficult to get those women I get a crush on. Like I'm just too much into a disempowered and inferior state to be attractive, even if they found me attractive initially, but when I dig myself too deep into the crush, I just never have a good chance. It ends up in a mixed signales / friendzone situation where I'm bouncing back and forth between glimpses of being in an empowered state where they become attracted to me again, but then I fall back into this disempowered state, and the woman becomes very confused about where she stands with me. But I'm not too worried about this. I think the right woman will show up when things are right inside of myself. These women that I have been experiencing this type of unrequted love situations with, I'm usually pretty glad I didn't end up with them when I'm out of the spell again. Seems like we where both in the wrong place to create something good and healthy together. So I'm confident that I will grow out of this type of dynamic. And these episodes - I just consider them exposure therapy where I'm getting my own trauma which is blocking my self-love triggered so that I can deal with it and become more whole. Seems like there has been many layers of this. But the way I feel now, it feels much better than how I felt before I met this woman, so I think something good has been coming out of it. I was into pickup and all that stuff before, which it seems like many of the guys on this forum is, and I've had success with it before when I used to date a lot, among other things I had two relationships with two really cool and beautiful women (but also very damaged ones), but now my whole approach to the opposite sex seems to be much more passive. I guess I feel that I don't need to accumulate any more experience. I already have enough of that. Mostly I just want things to get right inside of myself. And the women I met before. Well, the dynamic I was in with them - it is not what I'm looking for anymore. I need to grow out of that and into something much more healthy, safe and supportive. And maybe, most of all, maybe I just want to be so totally free that I don't care whether I'm attractive or not. I just want to be happy with where I am right now. I'm really fed up with searching for acknowledgement and all that. Because I came from a very inferior position into all of this, for periods I was really hooked on this idea of becoming a womanizer, and for periods I really was, but now it seems like a lot of that insecurity which creates that need is gone. When people brag about how successful they are with women, I'm just like whatever, good for you. Probably a lot of that is blocking ones potential for becoming really whole and landed in oneself. Not denying that my dating-skills has gotten really rusty, though, haha.... But yeah, I don't know. I'm just really fed up with all the endless ways I can create stress for myself. Tonight I was first playing Chess in my Chess-club, then I was hanging out with some meditation-friends home at their place and that was really relaxing, and when I came home I have just been chilling on the sofa with my guitar. Damn, that was so relaxing. It felt so perfect. No need for anything else what-so-ever when I'm experiencing flow with my guitar. Maybe my guitar is my woman these days haha..... Must be a much better position to be coming from at least when you have something that is so valuable to yourself that being alone with it is just totally perfect. That is being attractive to oneself. And that is the most important type of attraction - the one one has towards oneself. There is really a strong yearning in my heart to really become a muscician, whatever that means. I guess to me it only means that I'm integrating my guitar into my life-style, so that it never ends up just standing there collecting dust, but that it is something that I'm nurturing and keeping fresh and feeling inspired about, and that I meet other people to play with and that it just continues to unfold in a natural and relaxed way.

These are four pieces of guitar-playing that I'm very inspired by these days: It dawned on me here tonight that I only need to engage a little bit with guitar-playing in order to get a much greater appreciation for the skills of these masters. In one sense maybe I'm not only playing to be able to produce music myself, but maybe just engaging a little bit with it is really enhancing my ability to appreciate music in general, and maybe that is the most important part. I think I understood it the same way with Chess. I'm only an amateur player who has only been playing for 2 years, and it is far too late to get anywhere else than just having fun as an amateur player, but when I'm watching some of the master games that have been played being explained by commentators on youtube, wooow, that is such a refined esthetic pleasure, and my small little struggles to improve a little bit in Chess makes those intense pleasures available to me. I guess that is one of the things I consider really really important - remembering to appreciate all the beautiful wonders happening around me all the time. It is so easy to forget about it, but life is so beautiful when I remember. No need to struggle to get anywhere. Just surrender into all the miracles that is already here.

Another really important part of riding out this wave of process and inspiration that a psychedelic trip triggers is to channel that energy into something creative. This time, after that first ayahusca journey I did 15th of september, guitar has been my main creative outlet. It is really nice to have something creative to «grind against.» Always with art and creativity one has to fight with the materials to try to get something beautiful out of them. Often there is just a lot of struggle and the feeling of banging ones head against the wall, but when that feeling of flow arrives, ooooh, it is one of the best feelings. The other things I’ve been channeling my energy into lately is meditation, journaling, yoga, weight-lifting, walks in nature, my job, and reading.

30 min meditation today as well. I'm fascinated by all this process that taking psychedelics triggers. Seems like my cycles in this journal are: Taking psychedelics ---> trigger a lot of process and inspiration ---> ride it out / journal about it ---> return to focus being on my daily life and my daily meditation practice again ---> new rounds of psychedelics again at some point when I feel that I have been thoroughly grounded in daily life for a long enough period.

30 min meditation today as well. Really good to settle back down into my daily life again after this encountar with that woman I was on a few dates with that triggered some mother wounds in me that I choose to deal with through two solo ayahuasca ceremonies. Pretty wild processes, that now seems to have landed. Interesting whenever I go into the psychedelic landscape there is always a strong need to stay away from it for a good period to make sure that I thoroughly process it before any new encounters. Now I’m just looking forward to get more and more time in-between me and my last session. But it was really good to journal so much about it. Feels like that helps me get the most out of it. I think there is more a sense of landing in myself and self-love these days. Just being OK with who I am. Also just a longing and need for simplicity and peace.

Lots of activity both in my root-chakra and in my heart-chakra, today, by the way. Interesting.

30 min today as well. Some resistance today.

30 min today as well. Good flow. Feels like I’m starting to land again after everything.

30 min meditation. Good flow.

20 min yoga nidra relaxation today, weightlifting, jogging 4 km, and then going to the bathhouse to do sauna. Also a nice walk in nature for one hour. Pretty relaxing day.

45 min meditation today. Much more centered meditation today. Feeling like I'm starting to land a little bit more. Holy schmokes how heavy my process has been lately, hahha.... The first ayahuasca ceremony was very smooth and nice, but this second one, that one certainly gave me some more heavy challenges. I think the first one just opened me up a little to become able to acknowledge and experience the deep and intense pain that I had to experience in the second one and in the processing after the second one. But now it seems like a huge chunk of this pain has been released. Maybe I can feel more at home in myself and in my own life now.

A breakthrough of some sort Finally some release regarding this woman. Holy schmokes. I figured out which trauma has been triggered tonight as I was working night-shift and there was little to do and I could spend most of the night in introspection. So we spent a weekend together at her place in the beginning of August. We met on our first date in the beginning of July as we matched on Tinder, and then we had a huge amount of communication after this meeting on phone, chat and videochat, building up to our second date which was going to be a whole weekend together at her place, 6 hours driving from where I live, in beautiful mountain surroundings. It didn't go so well. But my mind has lived inside of these surroundings ever since. In her house, in the nature she lives in, and in the interactions between us. When I move my fingers around on my guitar I'm reminded of a guitar situation between us, when I go out in nature and see a little creek I'm reminded of the little creek we walked by together, when I play Chess I see the Chess-board she has lying around in her house. Basically EVERYTHING I do is related to the impressions I got from this weekend. And I resist it so badly, at the same time as I'm trying to accept it, but I'm only accepting it in fragmented pieces here and there. But tonight I tried another strategy. I told myself: "Ok, I'm just going to fucking move into these mental scenarios and settle down there and make it into my mental home." And it worked! And then it dawned on me from where this trauma comes! It is related to when I was 12 years old and I was falling out with my mom and had to move to my dad. And my dad kept manipulating me to continue to live with him even though I didn't really want to live with him but I was too proud to go back to my mom, and she was also not very skilled at conflict-resolution, so I lost my sense of a safe and good home in that conflict, and I have never had it since. I've been just moving around a lot, going from one place to the other, and probably this sense of not feeling at home has become chronic - hence why I am so restless always, always searching for my place to belong. So with this woman I was dating. A lot of it felt so right. In our communication before I came to her place it felt like she was the woman in my life, and that I could have easily moved to live with her, and it felt like we were already close to becoming a couple. But she was unstable, and I'm unstable, and she was projecting a lot of her father onto me, and I was projecting a lot of my mother onto her. So basically I was rejected by my mom once again and I was being thrown out from a projected version of my childhood paradise. That is why I'm stuck in these mental scenarios of this beautiful place that she was living in. A beautiful but fragile person living in a beautiful place, and I crave her love, which I only get in small portions here and there, the same way it was with my mom, and I try to fix her, the same way I did with my mom, in order to try to help her into a better condition, which I imagine that if I could get her to that better condition, then love would open up between us. It all makes so much more sense now. I think this realization will totally help me a lot in learning to own this experience. It took like fucking two insane solo-ceremonies of Ayahuasca during a pandemic, plus a lot of other types of work, to even get to a place where this is just slightly starting to make sense. Maybe this second solo ceremony wasn't so bad after all. The first one was just dipping my toes in it. And then with the second I was really going heavily into trauma and suffering and terror and shit, and it will probably take a lot of processing to work through this. I might be through the worst, though. It all feels much clearer now. Time will show.