Thittato

30 min meditation today. Disappointed because the momentum was not as strong as the last days, but it is sobering and nice to surrender into disappointment.

20 min yoga nidra yesterday, and 30 min sitting meditation today. Really happy about my meditation these days. There is a good and humble momentum going on.

Yesterday I also did weight-lifting, 20 min of jogging (4 km), and 20 min vinyasa flow yoga. Today I went rollerblading in the local indoors skatepark for 2 hours, and when I came home I rounded it off with 20 min vinyasa flow yoga. I think I'm settling on 30 min of sitting meditation per day, or approximately per day, will be my foundation, and then I can be creative/flexible with the rest of my exercise/wellness routine. But it is pretty damn awesome to add a lot of exercise to these 30 min per day of meditation. It seems like the recent psychedelic chapter I just had is over for this time. Well, the last of two ayahuasca journeys I did was 30th of September, so it is over a month ago, but it takes some time to land from and to integrate something like that, and whenever I go into psychedelic mode I also seems to add some sessions of smoking weed before, after and in-between those psychedelic sessions. But now it is also some time since last time I smoked week and I don't feel any attraction to that either, and weed is pretty intense and trippy for me, so that certainly belongs to the psychedelic sphere for me. Really glad I'm getting some distance from that now, but that ayahuasca was certainly necessary because of that date I was on this summer which triggered some deep mother-wounds I was still having. It seems like, at least for now, that there isn't any process like that going on at the moment. Maybe I've been able to deal with some pretty deep and heavy scars that perhaps has been healed. Seems like I'm much more relaxed around women now. I've been on two more dates. Didn't work out with any of those either, but even though I was getting a mild crush on both of them, I didn't get obsessed the same way I used to always get when I get a crush, so maybe something is really starting to cool down inside of me related to that. There is a very nice feeling these days that things will turn out just fine, and that I'm on a good track - and my meditation-practice is my foundation for that.

30 min sit today as well. Surprisingly strong momentum. Surrendering into emptiness.

30 min meditation today. Really good sit. My mind got very concentrated. Good energetic flow in my body. Feels like just dissolving into nothingness.

No practice today either. I had to stay home last night not working night-shift because I was having a cold. One of my bosses called me today saying I had to take a Covid-test because I had been working this weekend. Well, fortunately it was negative. So no big deal about it. I guess my level of stress lately has been strong enough in order for me to catch a cold. In fact, I think I have been having mild symptoms of having a cold for almost 2 months now. Intuitively I knew it wasn't Covid--19, but I was guilt-tripping myself over it. I'm always a bit stressed when the fall and a colder climate comes. Maybe it is part of letting go of what was. I think that when a new virus enters my body I will recognize that something different is going on. The stuff that has been going on lately has been familiar, something my body knows. But interestingly enough, when I woke up this morning, this HUUUUUGE summer-love, which wasn't so huge after all, but which made a huge impact on me, it was still active when I woke up this morning. But all that "I have to contact her again" was gone. It seems like I have totally let go of any clinging to any expectations that anything between us will continue to live on. Which is sad. But which is the truth. One has to be ruthless. I think. I feel sad when I write this. But I also feel proud. I've met two ladies after this. One which I won't meet again, and another one which was really charming and beautiful which I might meet again for a 2nd date. Anyways. There is something about letting go which feels much stronger now. The clinging is so much weaker. I'm much less desperate. Whatever this summer-date triggered in me, which was pretty HUUUUUUUUGE, and that I had to deal with by doing two ayahuasca sessions, it seems much less desperate now. This last woman I was on a date with, she was really REALLY beautiful, but there was much less of a force inside of myself telling me that I had to "own her." In fact, she was a distraction compared to all the other cool things going on in my life. Maybe that means she is not the one. I guess the balance would have been more right if she was, but I'm really glad the desperation was not as huge as it usually is when I like someone. I like this idea of hitting the reset-button. Every cold is like hitting the reset-button. And in the grander scheme of things, certianly every fall is totally like hitting the reset-button. I guess that is where I am these days. I just want to totally surrender. I'm tired of trying to win. I'm tired of trying to be better than everyone else. No one is winning in this game. Everyone is loosing. I just want to have an open heart for this whole thing. Including myself. And especially the ones I find the most difficult <3

I think my goal is just to have fun with it :-)

20 min yoga nidra today as well. Been very attracted towards yoga nidra lately. So nice to just lie in my bed and receive instructions about where to put my attention.

20 min yoga nidra today. It was so sweet. I was lying in my bed for 10 min after it just soaking up the effects. That gave me an even deeper rest. This project of getting a loan and searching for an appartment to buy has been pretty exhausting. So far I have been heavily involved with 3 appartments that I went to see and spoke with a lot with the sellers, started to dream and fantasize a lot about moving my life in to all three of them. But so far it hasn't clicked with any of them. Almost gave a bid for one today where I went to see it a second time. I'm pretty sure the guy selling it thinks a bid from me can tick in any time. He is pushing me quite a bit, but in a friendly and comfortable way, and he can see I'm on the edge of almost commiting. I went home, talked with my bank again, and they gave me the green light for that appartment as well. But then I couldn't do it. I now I have sort of resigned. Maybe I will have to let all three of these appartments go. Well, one of them is already sold, and another one I'm not interested in anymore, so there is only one left, the one from today. But maybe this is just the first round of this type of session. Now I need to process and digest everything I have learned about this process. It was only 8 days ago that I had a meeting with the bank and found out I satisfied their requirements for giving out a loan. Before that I thought owning my own home was very very far away. So maybe I don't need to rush anything. It is probably wiser to take my time. I have already learned so much from this process that has been going on for 8 days now. Seems like this is the same as with dating. If it doesn't click something else (and perhaps better or more right) will always come along. Maybe that is not an eternal truth. I see it could easily dry up as well. But I believe that as long as I maintain my spiritual practice then I will continue to attract abundance into my life. Maybe that is because the fruits of meditation practice are its own abundance, which means, they are independent of external results, so in a way one achieves a certain level of freedom from the conventional sense of success, and to emanate that type of freedom is very attractive I believe. But in the end, abundance, or not abundance, I just want to be happy with living a simple and fun life. This thing about attracting abundance into ones life can easily become a little bit too New Agey.

30 min meditation today as well. Distracted today too. I’m just finished with my first round ever of being involved with bidding for an appartment I was interested in. Went to see it yesterday, and then the bidding-round started today. I was almost willing to give the price they wanted for it, and I was sitting with the finger on the trigger, but I couldn’t quite pull it off, and I went back and forth many times, but eventually the bidding-round started to accelerate beyond the price that was declared as what they wanted, even though the bidding round started really low and slow, so I was never bidding anything myself, but I was heavily involved as the company selling this appartment kept calling me to see where I was standing, and I kept calling both mom and dad to discuss the development in this bidding-round and whether or not I was ready to give my own bid. Hahha. Pretty intense process. Eventually I just landed on that the price had gotten too high and that I want to observe the marked and how these processes work a bit longer because this is all so new to me so I better not end up making a hurried decision that I’ll end up regretting. I guess since I wasn’t really willing to give the original price they wanted when the bidding-round was lower than that that means I wasn’t really sold on the project and I’m waiting for something that is more right to enter the marked. But damn, this was close and intense hahaha. What a rush.

30 min meditation today, and then 20 min yoga nidra. Didn't really get in the groove with the meditation today. I was distracted. So I was disappointed and wanted something more out of my practice and yoga nidra turned out to be a really good choice. I was really getting into the groove with yoga nidra. I was tired before this, but now I feel really well-rested.

30 min meditation today. Gosh, I love this stuff. I can feel so totally miserable and that my whole life is a failure and etc, but one good meditation and everything feels perfect again. These are all just perspectives floating through my mind, and my meditation is certainly increasing the flow so that these frequencies vibrate on a much higher level and it becomes much more comfortable to inhabit this body/mind complex. There is also something about totally allowing oneself to feel as utterly miserable as one possibly can in order to let that feeling express itself. There is so much shame around being successful or not, and so many times we try to fake sucess in our own minds - creating this projected version of ourselves, the fake narcissistic self which is trying to compensate for feelings of low self-worth. I clearly have some layers still of these feelings that needs to be aired out of my being through opening up as much as I possibly can to the depths of my own being. So I can only expect this seemingly "spiritual bi-polarism" to continue for some more time, alternating between expansions and contractions.

Thank you! My practice goes in cycles. I don't have a goal of sitting every day, unless I have a dedicated period for exactly that. This summer I sat 45 min per day for 3 months. And now I'm decompressing after that. I'm just keeping track of my cycles here. Trying to always find the perfect balance for exactly what I need in any given moment to maintain myself as a sane and friendly human being. Sometimes I need to sharpen up my practice and be more disciplined, other times I just need to totally let it go, but it always seems to come back soon enough, somehow. What is your practice like?

30 min meditation today. Feeling really good and powerful about it. Interesting how it can switch so much back and forth between being the most boring stuff ever that I just have to go through the motions to get through, and this other side where it feels like it is the most awesome thing I can possibly do.

30 min meditation today. Didn't meditate yesterday. Been a little bit down today. Helped to meditate. I've been very caught up in my tendencies to get very inspired by my creative projects lately. First it was rollerblading, then it was guitar. I used to get a very strong counter-reaction towards this tendency before. Like I would suck all the inspiration totally dry and then get disgusted by whatever I was so inspired by. Now it feels more like some familiar tendencies going on. So I'm expecting that there will be a certain backlash whenever I get very inspired by something. But I guess it still has that component of loosing touch with myself and then identifying with some mental projecting of myself doing whatever I'm so inspired by in that moment. But I think I'm more realistic about that as well.

30 min meditation yesterday, and 30 min today. Before this I don't think I have meditated since sunday. There has been a lot going on. Most importantly I have been speaking with the bank, and now I can finally get a loan so that I can buy my own appartment. Yesterday, when I was getting a green light for this, I was having so much panic. Didn't feel ready for such a commitment. Wanting to just continue to be free and continue to just float around (even though I have been living in the same appartment for 4 years now, but I like the cheap rent and that I can just decide to leave anytime I want). But now, after this panic has been processed, I'm really looking forward to creating my own home that is totally my own, and which is bigger than where I am currently living. I'm fantasizing about a bigger kitchen so that I can make more food and invite guests for dinner. It also make me motivated to work more so that I can make more money and pay down this loan, and build up some capital that can be invested into an even better home further down the road. Since I also have a carpenter education, I'm looking forward to get more nerdy about my own home. When I'm just renting I feel indifferent towards the technicalities of this building, but when something is going to be my own, that will certainly give me a much stronger feeling of ownership and I think that will put me back in touch with all the stuff I learned as a carpenter. Yeah, this is totally the right thing. No more dreaming about going off into the jungle to pursue some kind of shamanistic path for a while (I've had plenty of spiritual adventures before so time to let go of the freedom to just strike out on a new one whenever I feel like). Time to just land even further here in my home-town and in my job.

So I’ve been playing much more guitar in my job lately. This is my 4th day at work now. Been working friday, saturday, sunday and monday (today), and I’ve been playing guitar for 4 psychiatric patients these days, and they all really liked it. I used to be so shy about playing in my job, but now I’m really starting to let go of that shyness. Just now I’m sitting here with a very chaotic and violent young woman who is a substance abuser, and she has made so much chaos this whole night and was very tired this morning when I went on. We have to keep her in isolation until the doctor will see her and decide what is next for her. Anyways, so this is really boring for her, and even though I’m here with her, offering her to sit and talk with me isn’t the most interesting for her, but when I offered to play guitar for her she became really enthusiastic and stopped talking about trying to break out from here, and it didn’t take long before she fell asleep her on the sofa. My mantras where like singing her lullabies. This guitar can become such a powerful tool in my job. Now she is finally getting some rest, and I can just sit here and chill and get paid for it instead of being in conflict with a violent substance abuser. Probably she would have fallen asleep soon or at some point anyways, because she has been going for 6 nights without sleep. But thanks to singing and guitar-playing I was able to make that transition so much smoother, and probably she finally felt safe and stopped resisting her own tiredness and gave herself over to what her body needed. If I can just continue with this this is like a dream becoming true.

1 hour meditation this morning. Felt really really good and soothing. Life has been so awesome lately these last couple of days, hahha, that I needed a really good chunk of meditation this morning to help me keep my feet on the ground and not get too sucked up into manic energy, and also in order to re-charge. Feels like I managed to balance this manic energy I was in in this buzz, and now I only feel calm, happy, and well-rested.

45 min meditation this morning. So damn inspired by rollerblading again hahah.

30 min meditation yesterday, and today as well. Today I was in a skatehall again with my rollerblades. Damn, I was getting into such a flow-state. Finally I'm really starting to get somewhere with skating. It has been a very slow progress since I started up again this spring, but this time I could see a lot of progress. This indoor skatepark is really perfect for making progress. It has all the things. Nice stuff to warm up with before moving on to more serious stuff. I was there with my friends on the senior skate hahaha.. I thought I was going to dial down this skating chapter, but now it seems I'll rather dial it back up again. Looking forward to see how all this rollerblading is translating into my snowboarding when the snowboard season starts.

30 min meditation today as well. Feels really good to have this routine going. And now this obsession with that woman is finally really starting to dissolve from my system. Feels like I'm getting my life back again. Damn. Some crazy shit just happens with me when I get a crush on someone. It is like I'm spellbound or struck by lightening. And because of that state which get triggered it is really difficult to get those women I get a crush on. Like I'm just too much into a disempowered and inferior state to be attractive, even if they found me attractive initially, but when I dig myself too deep into the crush, I just never have a good chance. It ends up in a mixed signales / friendzone situation where I'm bouncing back and forth between glimpses of being in an empowered state where they become attracted to me again, but then I fall back into this disempowered state, and the woman becomes very confused about where she stands with me. But I'm not too worried about this. I think the right woman will show up when things are right inside of myself. These women that I have been experiencing this type of unrequted love situations with, I'm usually pretty glad I didn't end up with them when I'm out of the spell again. Seems like we where both in the wrong place to create something good and healthy together. So I'm confident that I will grow out of this type of dynamic. And these episodes - I just consider them exposure therapy where I'm getting my own trauma which is blocking my self-love triggered so that I can deal with it and become more whole. Seems like there has been many layers of this. But the way I feel now, it feels much better than how I felt before I met this woman, so I think something good has been coming out of it. I was into pickup and all that stuff before, which it seems like many of the guys on this forum is, and I've had success with it before when I used to date a lot, among other things I had two relationships with two really cool and beautiful women (but also very damaged ones), but now my whole approach to the opposite sex seems to be much more passive. I guess I feel that I don't need to accumulate any more experience. I already have enough of that. Mostly I just want things to get right inside of myself. And the women I met before. Well, the dynamic I was in with them - it is not what I'm looking for anymore. I need to grow out of that and into something much more healthy, safe and supportive. And maybe, most of all, maybe I just want to be so totally free that I don't care whether I'm attractive or not. I just want to be happy with where I am right now. I'm really fed up with searching for acknowledgement and all that. Because I came from a very inferior position into all of this, for periods I was really hooked on this idea of becoming a womanizer, and for periods I really was, but now it seems like a lot of that insecurity which creates that need is gone. When people brag about how successful they are with women, I'm just like whatever, good for you. Probably a lot of that is blocking ones potential for becoming really whole and landed in oneself. Not denying that my dating-skills has gotten really rusty, though, haha.... But yeah, I don't know. I'm just really fed up with all the endless ways I can create stress for myself. Tonight I was first playing Chess in my Chess-club, then I was hanging out with some meditation-friends home at their place and that was really relaxing, and when I came home I have just been chilling on the sofa with my guitar. Damn, that was so relaxing. It felt so perfect. No need for anything else what-so-ever when I'm experiencing flow with my guitar. Maybe my guitar is my woman these days haha..... Must be a much better position to be coming from at least when you have something that is so valuable to yourself that being alone with it is just totally perfect. That is being attractive to oneself. And that is the most important type of attraction - the one one has towards oneself. There is really a strong yearning in my heart to really become a muscician, whatever that means. I guess to me it only means that I'm integrating my guitar into my life-style, so that it never ends up just standing there collecting dust, but that it is something that I'm nurturing and keeping fresh and feeling inspired about, and that I meet other people to play with and that it just continues to unfold in a natural and relaxed way.

These are four pieces of guitar-playing that I'm very inspired by these days: It dawned on me here tonight that I only need to engage a little bit with guitar-playing in order to get a much greater appreciation for the skills of these masters. In one sense maybe I'm not only playing to be able to produce music myself, but maybe just engaging a little bit with it is really enhancing my ability to appreciate music in general, and maybe that is the most important part. I think I understood it the same way with Chess. I'm only an amateur player who has only been playing for 2 years, and it is far too late to get anywhere else than just having fun as an amateur player, but when I'm watching some of the master games that have been played being explained by commentators on youtube, wooow, that is such a refined esthetic pleasure, and my small little struggles to improve a little bit in Chess makes those intense pleasures available to me. I guess that is one of the things I consider really really important - remembering to appreciate all the beautiful wonders happening around me all the time. It is so easy to forget about it, but life is so beautiful when I remember. No need to struggle to get anywhere. Just surrender into all the miracles that is already here.

Another really important part of riding out this wave of process and inspiration that a psychedelic trip triggers is to channel that energy into something creative. This time, after that first ayahusca journey I did 15th of september, guitar has been my main creative outlet. It is really nice to have something creative to «grind against.» Always with art and creativity one has to fight with the materials to try to get something beautiful out of them. Often there is just a lot of struggle and the feeling of banging ones head against the wall, but when that feeling of flow arrives, ooooh, it is one of the best feelings. The other things I’ve been channeling my energy into lately is meditation, journaling, yoga, weight-lifting, walks in nature, my job, and reading.

30 min meditation today as well. I'm fascinated by all this process that taking psychedelics triggers. Seems like my cycles in this journal are: Taking psychedelics ---> trigger a lot of process and inspiration ---> ride it out / journal about it ---> return to focus being on my daily life and my daily meditation practice again ---> new rounds of psychedelics again at some point when I feel that I have been thoroughly grounded in daily life for a long enough period.

30 min meditation today as well. Really good to settle back down into my daily life again after this encountar with that woman I was on a few dates with that triggered some mother wounds in me that I choose to deal with through two solo ayahuasca ceremonies. Pretty wild processes, that now seems to have landed. Interesting whenever I go into the psychedelic landscape there is always a strong need to stay away from it for a good period to make sure that I thoroughly process it before any new encounters. Now I’m just looking forward to get more and more time in-between me and my last session. But it was really good to journal so much about it. Feels like that helps me get the most out of it. I think there is more a sense of landing in myself and self-love these days. Just being OK with who I am. Also just a longing and need for simplicity and peace.