Thittato

20 min vinyasa flow in the morning today, and then the same program one more time now in the evening. Soooo good. I was skating in the skatepark yesterday, and it was pretty hard on my body, so I need to do some more yoga now in order to keep up with the skating. But anyways, I've made massive progress with the skating, so having to do the yoga is just an added bonus to the process.

Second session of Winter-bathing this season. Intense session of winter-bathing.... hahha......

First session of Winter-bathing this season. Also, tonight (my sleep is totally mixed up because of working night-shifts), I had my first session of swimming out in the sea this winter. Oh my gosh. That was totally awesome. I'm not going to commit to anything, but just take it spontanously, but I see myself doing some more of these sessions. It is such a high afterwards, and I feel so rebooted. I remember last winter, when I got really turned on to Wim Hoff, how inspired I was, and how much it inspired me when it comes to physical exercise, the mental attitude of toughness, and the pursuit of masculinity.

2 x 30 min meditation today, and 20 min vinyasa flow yoga. Some process coming up. Interesting how only a few days ago I was solidly in what I call the Equanimity state, and I seemed to be totally landed in and at one with myself, but now some more cycles of emotional pain has been coming up. Anyways, it helped a lot doing two sessions of meditation and then some yoga. I feel stronger and more empowered again, although the pain still lingers on.

30 min meditation on friday, no meditation yesterday, and 30 min today. Changing things up a little. For a long time now I've been doing some variation of the "just sitting" technique, where I just go into whatever type of emotional pain or discomfort that is there trying to expose myself as fully to it as I can. But my basic technique is the vipassana noting technique where I say mentally a label for each of the various sensations that comes into focus, like "imaging thought," "boredom," "spaciousness," "scenario spinning thought," "pain," "iching," "tingling," etc. I noticed both on friday and today when I did this that my concentration gets way sharper, and the energy I generate is much stronger, so I will go back to this technique for a while now. When the momentum becomes strong enough with this technique there is a sense that ones whole field of sensations just starts to dissolve into flow, and that one becomes very quick and able to catch a very wide and inclusive field of sensations. As always it is about stretching ones powers of discernment as far as one can, trying to catch more and more of the stuff that usually goes under the radar. For instance today I had some disappointment going on, and it took a while before I was labeling it as such, but when I did, something was released - I took ownership of my disappointment.

30 min meditation today. Very good momentum. Everything feels so awesome and right when the momentum is strong. I still have a lot of negative karma from my upbringing, but it feels like I can burn through everything.

20 min meditation yesterday, and today I sat for 1 hour and 15 minutes. First a session of 30 min, and then later in the day 45 min. I was going through some heavy emotions, and needed some extra time on my cushion to clear things out and regain mental clarity. It was pretty awesome to go rollerblading in the skatepark after the 45 min sit. Like there was some extra spiritual power in my skating. It is so awesome with meditation. Whenever something emotional hurts, it is just to go into the pain and let it burn. Like go into it with a sense of equanimity and wisdom knowing that there is no reason to fear pain. Only resistance creates suffering. Without the resistance there isn't much suffering in pain. But of course it takes a lot of work to surrender into it. That is why one has to surrender into it again and again. And somehow one always forgets as well. One forgets how easy it really it is, and paradoxically this forgetting therefore makes this practice difficult. So that is why a lot of teachers says this practice is a practice of remembering. Maybe one could say that forgetting is the ingrained habit of the wheel of samsara, while remembering is returning back to nirvana / buddha mind / purity of mind.

30 min meditation today as well. Momentum was back again today, and I had a good concentration going. However there was a lot of resistance before I sat down, but immediately when I sat down all resistance was gone.

30 min meditation today as well. Not quite getting back into gear again. Some kind of slipperiness going on. But this is common in the Equanimity-landscape. It is part of the complacency that comes along with Equanimity. The way to progress is to see the suffering in the mildly comfortable slippery complacent mindstate. But that is not so easy when the mind doesn't get "into gear." Although, by doing this after-analyzis, it feels like my mind is sharpening up. Maybe these types of after-reflections helps me to move past the obstacles I face in my meditation after the meditation is done. Something is put into motion during the meditation, and then the mind will continue to work on it through-out the day.

25 min yin yoga today as well before ending the day. So awesome!

30 min meditation today. Not as comfortable as these last days. Something was triggered yesterday. I think I will be able to work through it pretty quickly, though. Also a good opportunity to work on letting go of the attachment to this streak of good meditations that has been going on lately. Life is like this. Sometimes peaceful and quiet. Sometimes agitated.

Also 25 min yin yoga today. Wow.

30 min meditation today as well. Very nice. Seems like there is a deep and good surrender going on within me.

30 min meditation today. Very nice meditation. This has happened again that I'm now in a period where the amount of suffering going on in my life is so within my level of tolerance that I'm getting complacent when it comes to meditation. But this is exactly because there is a lot of equanimity in my meditation, which is a very good factor for taking my meditation deeper, so this is exactly where I need to continue. Very normal to get complacent at this stage.

30 min meditation today. Skipped meditation for two days.

30 min meditation today as well. I think that more than anything I’m managing to sit without expectations these days. In fact, expectations hurts.

30 min today as well. This is really starting to work, hahha. I guess one is always a newbie when it comes to meditation. Seems like I can much easier regulate my own self-talk because of the calm and awareness I’m getting from meditation lately. Less panic-mode, and much more calm acknowledgement just telling myself «Life is like this.»

30 min today as well. Working with anger today - a sense of fire in my being. Trying to transmute it into passion.

30 min meditation today. Sweet stuff. Feels like this stuff is finally starting to work after almost 20 years. Haha... Some amazing things are happening to my psyche these days. Seems like I've been able to trancend my previous strong tendency towards black and white either/or thinking. So much more space in my mind.

30 min meditation today. Sweet surrender.

30 min meditation on Saturday, and 30 min meditation today (Tuesday). Skipped my meditation on Sunday and Monday. Life has been pretty awesome lately, so it is easy to forget to meditate then. Today the flow was still very good. There is a very good momentum going on these days. Better just continue to keep it up to so that I will reap the full benefits of this good period that I'm in. Never know when it is going turn around again.

30 min meditation today. Connecting with abundance and innocence. Meditation can be so refreshing when the flow is good. Like just surrendering into sweetness and relief.

45 min meditation today. Good flow.

A few days without meditation now. It can come and go as it wants to these days. Went to the skatehall today with my rollerblading skate-buddies. We are turning into a skate-crew hahah. Everybody is getting more and more into it. Such a good form of exercise, too. It doesn't feel dangerous anymore either. I've been back into rollerblading since this spring now. Approximately half a year. In the beginning I was afraid of hurting myself. But nothing dangerous has ever happened. I have a good and natural technique for falling safely, and I naturally only take calculated risks. It is more dangerous in the beginning when one is stiff, doesn't have a good falling technique, and is insecure about where ones limits are. Progress is slow, but steady, and things are finally starting to feel a bit more solid again. I still don't have all the tricks down that I had when I was 16, but now, 20 years later, I'm slowly getting there again. Interesting how this all started up again when I was snowboarding 2 winters ago. When the spring came after that winter I bought a longboard from a friend and started skating on it. Then when the winter came again I went snowboarding again, and then this spring came and I returned to rollerblading. So it has been a pretty huge emotional, social and mental investment. Been binging pretty hard on both snowboard, longboard and rollerblading on youtube. And oh my gosh how much I have been talking about it with my buddies. And I have been journaling pretty much about it here, too. And it has been a huge focus on my psychedelic trips as well. Interesting all this processing going on when one is learning something. I think the psychedelics I have been doing are playing into this process in a good way - it expands my possibilites and helps me see beyond my limits. The yoga and meditation too. It helps keeping my body strong and flexible enough for this. And this journaling is certainly necessary. And also my awareness of how the social group energy is enhancing this experience. What is the main-thing I'm getting out of this which is related to meditation? I think basically it just generates a really awesome sense of flow, freedom and mind-expansion. In other words, exactly what I seek from my meditation. And it is good exercise. And also it looks and feels pretty damn cool. And the group-energy is really awesome, too. Another important aspect to this is that I can get really manic and high about this, and then I milk it has hard as I possibly can, which can be unfortunate, this journaling is part of it, the mental masturbation part of it, and then when I've milked it for all that it was worth I can get really disgusted by it for some time. It is like I so heavily go into an identity about it, that at some point the whole thing gets really disgusting. But then, after a little pause, I always seem to return back to it. And these cycles. I've found some peace with them. First of all I just allow the mental masturbation to go as far as it wants. And then I'm willing to give it up when it comes to that, and just see if it naturally returns by itself. I guess it just has to be that way. This is just a hobby. If it never returned after a cycle like that, that would be fine, too. I guess that is the freedom in it. To just enjoy it while it lasts but without taking it on as an identity. It seems like everything in my life is like this. I just go with the flow, wherever it takes me. Seems like I can trust this process.

30 min meditation today. Letting go of all expectations about achieving anything through my meditation, and surrendering into my experience just as it is. Simple and sweet.