Thittato

30 min meditation today, then a little session of weight-lifting (I have some really awesome full-body exercises that I like to do), and then a warm shower ended with a cold shower. Haha, gosh, I’m contradicting myself a lot these days, but this session today was so awesome and finally I feel energy and enthusiasm again. Maybe I’m on the way out of this slot I’ve been in lately. I feel the need to focus on my regular meditation again like I do now, so maybe I’ll give up on the Wim Hof breathing method but continue with the cold showers. Perhaps I create some kind of fusion between my vipassana practice and the Wim Hof method.

30 min more with meditation today. I was getting into a good flow. I think I’ll just abandon my goal of reaching 50 cold-baths this season, 44 is enough, and I think I’ll say it is enough of the Wim Hof method for now, and I’ll just return to my regular meditation practice. I did however end my shower both yesterday and today with a cold shower, and it was really nice, but I don’t think I will time them when I do, and I won’t focus on it anymore here in my journal either.

30 min meditation today. Still very tired. Not sure what is going on. Just got to focus on rest until this is over. At least it takes away the striving component in my meditations. No other choice than to just focus on surrender and rest.

30 min meditation today. Looks like my meditative self-talk is getting much nicer - like how I talk to myself when I adjust the technique according to the various cycles in a meditation session.

20 min meditation yesterday, and 30 min today. Really nice and restful meditation today. I'm totally exhausted these days. Not sure exactly why. Maybe I haven'y fully recovered after working night-shifts. Anyways, I'll save my last 6 cold-baths for later when I feel more back to my normal energy levels again. No need to torture myself. Usually it is very nice with those cold-baths, so I'll save them for when it is nice again.

Falling out of my goal to do these 10 cold baths 10 days in a row. I suddenly felt pretty exhausted from the whole thing. But I’m going to start up again in a couple of days so that I will have completed in total 50 cold baths this season, but didn’t feel like there was any good idea to let it wear me down if I somehow need some more restitution time in between these days. The main thing that has been coming up lately is that I’m very very fed up with this pandemic. I had a very strong emotional reaction towards it yesterday. I feel so understimulated in my social and cultural life. Really fed up with the fact that I cannot go chasing new people and new experiences nowhere near the same extent that I used to before. I always try to expand my social circle, and get to know more and more interesting people. Don’t know if this is healthy, but I have an unquenchable thirst for it. Anyways, it was sort of good with a temporary collapse somehow. My home totally detoriated and become really messy again. I think there is something about really owning those collapses, and not panic about it, and then to pick up and continue with all of ones good habits again when one is done surrendering into ones collapse.

44th cold-bath this season 3 rounds of Wim Hof breathing, and then cold-bath down at the beach.

@modmyth Cool! I'm really looking foward to hear how this develops for you! :-) As for my resistance, I think it is a combination of things. I have this pattern of finding something that I can obsess about, like something I find really cool. So when I get a kick out of the Wim Hof method after the perfect ice-bath experience, then I walk around all day long after this thinking about how cool this method is. So I sort of suck it dry until there is nothing left, and then that can create resistance towards doing it the next day because by then it feels like "old news." I also work night-shifts, and that can leave me feeling weak and tired, and going into the cold when feeling weak isn't exactly very appealing. BUT, fortunately, I have comfirmed over and over that going into the cold doesn't weaken me further - usually it only supports me, so that is a great discovery. And also I have some resistance towards repetition and routine. I have some sort of addiction towards novelty, so this method was extremly fascinating when I started up again with it this winter and I was spending a lot of time watching all the interviews, podcasts, documentaries, etc that I could find with Wim Hof - it is that "honeymoon phase," but that sort of inspiration doesn't last forever. And then I think just going into the cold triggers resistance for most people. But it is deciding to overcome that resistance which creates that healthy and commited mindset that Wim Hof talks so much about. But anyways. All these reasons for sometimes feeling resistance just makes me want to ride it out until the whole thing becomes perfectly normalized. So I'm very curious to see what the long-term effects of this method are beyong just the initial inspiration that comes from the incredible high this method generates in the beginning. So working with this resistance towards going into the cold I think is very beneficial. Maybe this is where the "psychic muscles" really grows. Thanks for asking great questions :-)

42nd & 43rd cold-bath this season Yesterday: 6 rounds of Wim Hof breathing and then cold-bath down at the beach. The sun was shining and it was really really nice. Today: 10 rounds of Wim Hof breathing and then cold-bath down at the beach. I almost had a little cold this morning because I was walking around outside yesterday with too little clothes in the fresh spring sun where the wind was sharper than I expected, so I was doing some extra rounds with the breathing today trying to shake it off. I'm still a bit tired, but I feel really relaxed and comfortable now.

41st cold-bath this season. 5 rounds of Wim Hof breathing and later in the evening bathing down at the beach. Pretty awesome. Lots of resistance today, like really didn't want to go down into the water, but as soon as I go into it I'm always surprised how used I have gotten to the experience. It is never uncomfortable when I'm in the water, it is always (sometimes) just the idea of it before I go into it.

40th cold-bath this season. 3 rounds of Wim Hof breathing, and then cold-bath down at the beach. Today I felt very unengaged both in my breathing exercise, and when I was walking down to the beach. Still it felt good as soon as I got into the water. I guess I'm a little tired from having worked night-shifts three nights in a row, and having done cold-baths right before all those night-shifts. Well. I have some days off now, so that will be nice. Still this weekend of working night-shifts was fantastic. I'm loving the fact that I've soon had this same job for 3 years. And my relationships with my co-workers are just getting better and better. I like people. Simple as that. The misanthropy I used to have before I see less and less of every year that goes by. My edges are getting rounder and rounder. Anyways, my plan now is to continue for 10 more days with a daily bath, and at least 3 rounds of the Wim Hof breathing method, until I have reached 50 cold-baths for this season, then I will evaluate what to do next after that. I also want to continue to try to not have any expectations for this. Just approach it as if I was only doing my daily shower.

39th cold-bath this season. 3 rounds of Wim Hof breathing today, and then cold-bathing down at the beach. I’ve started to jump out into the water instead of walking into it. Today I was really surrendering into the jump, letting myself sink deep, instead of trying to get my head up above water as quickly as possible, and wow, that was super-awesome! There was totally something about absorbing the full impact of the cold shock with my head under water, and not acting on that normal impulse that something is wrong and I need to rescue myself as quickly as possible, but instead just really surrender into the experience and let myself be held and supported by the water in natures own pace. I was having this same attitude in the breathing exercise with the breath retentions. Just really disappearing into the retentions. Wow.

@modmyth Wow, that is totally awesome that you can already do a 4 min retention! You must have been going into this with a very strong focus. I enjoyed reading your process of letting go into this. Sounds like you manage this balance really well. Yes, I find the Wim Hof app very motivating, but sounds like you already have a really good thing going. The people I’ve heard about doing the longest retention times are up into 5-6 min. Yeah Wim Hof can be gruff hehe. He is an eccentric but fun guy. Would be awesome to hear more about how this develops for you. With such a strong foundation within the breathing method already, I can only imagine you would get a really strong effect with the cold exposure as well. Many people seem to get a lot out of the breathing alone, though. I was very impressed with the breathing alone. Now I’m getting more and more fascinated with how these three pillars 1. Breath, 2. Cold exposure, & 3. Mindset, are connected. It is really genius how he has been putting 3 such simple but potent tools together like this. And also it is just very addictive as well, so one sort of just gets pulled in ???

38th cold-bath this season 4 rounds of Wim Hof breathing, and then a cold-bath down at the beach. My mission now is to ride out my own personal hype regarding this whole thing. I aim to walk down to the beach as mindfully as I can, and let go of any expectations to get into a state of awesomeness, and just regard the whole thing as a very normal and integrated habit.

@modmyth Here are my stats: The Wim Hof app is pretty cool. Nice to see statistics and stuff :-) How long are your retentions? Everybody says not to worry too much about them. I see in some Wim Hof groups they are very competitive about them hehe. Still it is fun to keep track of them, but I find they fluctuate quite a bit in accordance with whether I feel open or closed in my being. The thing about this method is that it is so cool to take that equanimity/acceptance that we cultivate in yoga and/or meditation, and then apply it to the shock we experience in cold water. It is like really putting our «acceptance muscle» to the test, and then we find it gets even much stronger, or the tolerance for stress is greatly enhanced. Some combination of both the mental and the physiological is going on creating some deep relaxation response. 6-10 rounds of the breathing is really good. I usually get really high if I do that many rounds :-)

37th cold-bath this season 4 rounds of Wim Hof breathing, and then I went down to the beach to bathe. So nice. I said yesterday that I would start the 20 day cold shower challenge today, but I’ll rather continue bathing like this in combination with the breathing for some time. Going down to the beach like this is a really nice ritual. I usually do it in the evening when it is dark, and it feels like a very quiet and calming experience.

@modmyth After a little back and forth I'm starting up again tomorrow with the Wim Hof method. Then it will look like doing his breathing method (at least 3 rounds) every day, combined with the 20 day cold shower challenge. This is what I did in February as well when it became a daily practice. I also combine it with bathing in the sea, but that has not been daily. If you want to try it out as a daily practice I think the most accessible way is just to try a 20 day cold shower challenge combined with doing his breathing practice. Fortunately you can start with a warm shower, so that makes it way more accessible, and then you just end with a cold shower. First 5 days 15 sec cold shower, then you add 15 sec every 5 days. I'm very enthusiastic about the emotional and mental benefits this practice has. I think my stress-levels has decreased tremendously. There is just something about learning to relax in cold water that is really beneficial when it comes to stress. If you can learn to relax under such conditions it seems to carry over on to everything else. Besides that it also just creates a very tangible and immediate feeling of well-being. Like you feel though, fresh, vital and empowered. I used to combine it with other types of practices, and I think it deepened my mediation for a while, but then at some point it became my main practice and I was less concerned about my other practices. But it certainly gives a lot of inspiration when it comes to physical activity - it seemed to add to my urge to want to do yoga, weight-lifting, go hiking, etc. I'm not very systematic about those things, but I really like when that urge/inspiration to do a lot of physical activities gets stimulated so that I just naturally do them more. Highly recommended! :-) Might sound like the polar opposite of what I've been writing about here the last days, but now my batteries are re-charged and I'm ready for a new fix with this method. Interestingly it seems like this decision in itself gives a lot of charge.

36th cold-bath this season Looks like I'm continuing with this cold exposure, after all. Did a cold-bath down at the beach again tonight. It was really nice. Doesn't seem like I have so much juice on any other practice right now, so I will do one more 20 day cold shower challenge, combined with the Wim Hof breathing method, starting tomorrow. It was nice to just de-compress a little after my goals for this winter were completed. I was also over-doing it a big at the end there, so I needed some pause from it, but now I'll simply just continue with this 20 day cold shower challenge, and when that is done I'll take it from there. This cold shower challenge I will start with the one that starts with 2 min and 15 sec and builds up to 3 min and 10 sec.

10 min walking meditation today as I was waiting for the bus. It was pretty nice. Seems like I'm back in an in-between phase again, sort of de-compressing after that heavy Wim Hof focus I've had this whole winter. I'm not doing his breathing exercises anymore. But it was really nice to do some spontanous cold-baths again. After I reached my goal for cold exposure for February I was disgusted by the whole thing, and it took 8 days before I did cold exposure again, but then it was really nice again. I also had some vulnerable material coming up right after my February goals were finshed that now seems to be released for now. Interesting how I was pushing it so hard at the end of February with the cold exposure, and then I got disgusted by it at the same time as some new vulnerable material was released into my consciousness. Maybe instinctively I knew I was brewing on something that needed to be released so that there was this energetic charge that drove me to intensify my Wim Hof practice to really squeeze it out. I have often thought about myself as very devoted to yoga and meditation, but maybe I'm just exactly enough devoted in order for what my being needs? Maybe my body just does what it needs to do, and I'm always trying to find the exactly right balance for getting it just right? This path is a strange paradox between effort and letting go. Maybe everybody does exactly what they need to do in any given moment given their predisposition? This thing about letting go of control is really interesting. And also this buddhist notion of no-self. That there is nobody in charge here. It is just existence doing its natural thing. Everything feels better when I just surrender into things as they are. Sometimes I think maybe I'm the biggest fool of them all. I've been striving so hard - having this notion that I was on this noble quest trying to get somewhere important. Maybe I was just panicking, not daring to trust life, believing I could somehow control the process. Interesting with these teachings that claims that everything is always perfect, and that everybody are already enlightened. Reality is self-liberating. Hmmm..... I'm not usually an advocate of these types of teachings, but it is a perspective that can sometimes feel very right and accurate when I really ease into it. Anyways, it is just a perspective - sometimes helpful, sometimes not.

35th cold-bath this season The temperature is below zero Celcius again, and there is slush on the water. Yesterday I was so inspired by rollerblading. Like, things just clicked yesterday. I was getting into such a flow-state. And now I don't feel like I have to get anywhere with my rollerblading anymore. I feel secure about the platform that I have achieved. I know enough tricks to feel confident that things will just continue to naturally unfold in whatever pace is natural for me, and I can totally enjoy it right here right now without worrying about getting anywhere. Maybe this flow state comes when I don't feel stuck in a rut, but I'm satisfied with where I am because the creative potential is open and available to continue to naturally grow. Everytime I have rollerbladed lately I've learned new things. Well, so anyways. I sometimes feel that I'm without purpose and direction, and I'm just jumping around like a kid from one hobby to the next, but then when I get into these flow-states that all my cool hobbies tend to trigger, everything feel so totally right about my life. And today the same thing happened. This was just amazing. I have this friend from a long time back when I studied to become a social worker, and for one year now she has been posting videos on facebook of herself out flying in her own small little airplane. It is fucking amazing. So I wrote her half a year ago: "Hey, that flying of yours looks totally awesome, can I join you?" and she replied: "Sure!" and I just answered: "Cool!!" But then we just left it at that. But when I woke up this morning I woke up to a message from her which said: "Fly?" and then an hour later we were out flying. I haven't seen her in almost 10 years. Turned out she and her husband had bought a plane together, and both have the flying certificate. It was so much fun, and I was live-streaming 5 minutes of it on facebook sharing my pure joy, and so many were getting a kick out it. I'm still very high from the whole experience, so I had to go take an ice-bath again tonight. Sometimes I think life is about this for me, just getting as many cool flowing experiences as I can possibly get. Maybe this is what "follow your bliss" means to me. Seems like I'm following my bliss, even though it sometimes seems like without direction, but my life is very much about being a student of joy, creativity, bliss, fun and expansion. And I'm also having a very important job as a social worker, that is very much about being as social as I can possibly get, so whatever I do of cool activities outside of my job really helps me in my job.

34th cold-bath this season When I woke up from having worked night-shift tonight, I did 10 sun salutations before I went to rollerblade with my friends. The rollerblading-session was so awesome that when I came home I was super-inspired so I did 20 min with vinyasa flow yoga to round off the rollerblading-session, and then, I even needed something more to really round off the day, so I went down to beach and did a cold bath, and now I just came out of a really long and warm shower, and I feel really relaxed and fulfilled. Life is good. Interesting how I have been so pessimistic about the pandemic and everything lately, thinking life isn't fun anymore, and then *BOOM* I'm having like the most awesome and flowing rollerblading-session ever today. It has been a year since I took up rollerblading again, and I've been doing it pretty consistently, and things are really starting to flow now. Interesting that there are improvements every session that I do. I really love this transition from feeling like a clumsy and insecure beginner to gradually seeing my confidence and sense of flow starting to grow more and more. It is such a big deal in the beginning, and then suddenly it isn't a big deal anymore.

30 min meditation today. Nice sit. Felt like I was much more into surrender now, and there was less resistance. Life is as it is.

30 min meditation today. More peace and groundedness. My mind getting quite still, but at the same time there is an undertone of sadness going on. Not overwhelming sadness, pretty mild. I'll try to enjoy it. Like in a poetic way. My theme these days is still going beyond my obsessions/fixations. I still have this narcissistic false self thing that wants to create an identity out something, like "I'm an ice-bather," or "I'm a guitarist, " or "I'm a yogi, or "I'm a chess-player." After I landed from completing this ice-bathing adventure, it was pretty obvious that this has happened once again, like getting really pumped up about being on this new and exciting path. I have to say it was really good, though, especially since it was very helpful in quitting alcohol. BUT there are still some pockets left of shame and grief that I seek to escape by going into these manic obsessions, so I'm still working on seeing through these defense-mechanisms in order to really empty out all that I have left of shame and grief. I also have to say that the charge of what is left doesn't feel so strong these days, and I also feel a lot of self-love here and there, so it seems I'm well on my way in emptying out the shame and instead filling myself up with self-love. Probably quitting the alcohol was very necessary in order to complete this work. Not only does the alcohol in itself work as a very destructive filler for this lack of self-love, but I think it also, in a chemical way, feeds my tendencies towards mania. The difference between self-love, and what I usually try to compensate for the lack of self-love, is that I seek various forms of entertaintment and stimuli instead. Like if I can get really excited and stimulated about something cool and awesome going on in my life, that will make me feel filled up for some time, and when it fades, I'll try to find something else to get stimulated by. Self-love, I think, is not necessarily so exciting and stimulating. It is a more warm and peaceful kind of feeling. LIke I'm good enough as I am. No need to be so hyped up about everything all the time. Life is as it is.

30 min meditation today. A combination of stillness, peace of mind, and at the same time sadness.

Gosh. This is how long it took before what I wrote in the last post moved into release. 11-12 hours. Energy is open and flowing in my whole body, and there is activity in my heart- and 3rd eye chakra. Interesting this dance between contraction and expansion that keeps going on. I want to start to write more about meditation. Like make some kind of summary of what my understanding of this process is so far.