Thittato

8th session of kayaking So the first thing I did when I returned to my hometown was to go on a really beautiful kayak-trip again. I went to an island with a lighthouse on it that have seemed really far away, but the whole trip back and forth only took 5 hours in a very relaxed tempo with lots of pauses. It was intensly beautiful. I think the best thing I can do to move on with my skydiving process is just to totally immerse myself in everything else that life has to offer. My subconsciousness can continue to work on the skydiving thing while I have fun doing other stuff that gives me a sense of self-esteem and mastery. But I'm really hooked on skydiving. I think it is the most awesome thing one can possibly do. I'm glad that I'm starting to become fascinated with it for its own reward, and much less in order to prove to other people that I'm some badass renegade. It seems like everyone who is serious about skydiving are pretty down to earth and humble. They don't use it as some sort of ego-shit. I mean, if there is one thing skydiving has thought me it is that I have to seriously respect my own boundaries. It seems easier to respect other peoples boundaries when I have finally found out where mine are. Now I know when something is seriously difficult and frightening. I really utterly despise the people who tried to push me, and I feel so much love and respect for the people who understood what I was going through and respected that I had to take things in my own tempo. I don't want to be the person anymore who tries to push people. I want to be the person who understands and respects. The most beautiful people are the ones who give you total permission to be exactly who you are. Here I am on the way towards the island I was visiting this evening. I have tears in my eyes thinking about how much beauty kayaking has already given me.

Cold shower this morning as well. Now I have left the skydiving school and I’m on the train on my way back home. Holy fuck that was intense! Glad to be done for this time. It was a success according to what I had planned. It seems like I really do want to become a skydiver, and now I have really made the right preparations for the next season. But I’m fucking glad that now I can take a well-deserved vacation. I’m fucking badass. Very few people would have continued to pursue this stuff having encountered the challenges I have met. A lot of the skydivers told me this. I’m starting to feel ready for the training. Now I know what it feels like to jump out of a plane from 4000 meters above the ground. I don’t have so many unanswered questions about the experience in itself. So I’m getting ready for just following the procedure for how to freefall safely and then activate the parachute, pilot it back to the landing area, and then go in for landing. What scared me the most I think was the idea of hanging under the parachute alone and having to figure out on my own how to fly it back to the landing area. I used to think I would be so in shock from the free-fall experience that I would be totally spaced out and not ready to think about logical procedures. But it feels very safe to hang under the parachute when doing tandem at least. It is not like I’m freaking out because the most intense part is already over and under the parachute you have quite some time to get an overview over the situation and start to plan the landing. So I just have to get a better understanding of how one is planning the landing. In free-fall you are held by two instructors, one from each side, like in this picture I’m posting, so if you space out and don’t release the parachute they will do it for you. You’ll get around 45-50 sec in free-fall together with them where they are going to teach you how to become stable in free-fall and be in the right position for releasing the parachute, and when the parachute is released the two instructors will let you go and then you are on your own. So next season it is time to be released and be on my own. This baby-skydiver is getting ready to leave the nest ?

And then sauna and cold-showers tonight as well. Good to just blast it out. Somehow I still feel very vulnerable. I’m fed up with being a clown in this skydiving group. And I’m fed up with explaining my situation. These people are some sort of elite of something I cannot quite reach up to. But still I’m addicted to this whole thing. And then they respect my efforts, and give me a lot of support and praise for the investment I’m making. But I shouldn’t seek other peoples approvel in this thing. It is my own thing. But I guess I’m forced into a corner and some of my deepest vulnerabilities are coming out. Which I’m keen on exposing, feeling through, and surrendering into. But it is hard. And I’m keen on just forgetting everything about this thing for a long time. And next summer I’m keen on just being a normal skydiving student who is not in the «special needs» class. Which basically just boils downs to: «Shut up, and follow the instructions.» And probably I’m capable of that now, because I’m really fed up with all my excuses. The only one I have left is: Not right now; next summer. And I believe in that. Either I have found something better next summer, or I haven’t - which means: this is it. And that should be pretty ok. Because these people are beautiful in a very profound way.

Fourth skydive tandem-jump completed :-D Ok, now I have finished what I came here to do. Feels really good and I’m also really exhausted, but in a good way. It feels like I have one full season of skydiving now. Not in a traditional sense, but in my own way since my plans didn’t exactly go as planned. It was a huge disappointment coming home from the skydiving course I did end of May / beginning of June since I was so invested in becoming a skydiver. I had the identity of already being a skydiver without having gone through the training, and that was a disaster for my ego when it turned out I couldn’t handle the training. But I left the course having done at the very least one tandem-jump, which was also a huuuge barrier to get through, and I kind of had to get forced out of the air-plane, so when I decided to come back here again my goal was to do three tamdems in order to acclimatize myself to do the course over again next summer. My primary goal was just to leave the plain by my own free will, and I succeeded with that on my first jump this time. After having jumped out of the airplane four times now it feels like something that is starting to become familiar to me. The ride up to 12500 feet always feels very intense and scary, but also kind of fun, but not once this time have I thought that I’ll abort mission and not jump. As soon as we leave the airplane it feels pretty damn awesome. If I go back to this training again next summer I will just have to be really determined to follow the procedures and orders and not over-think the whole thing so much. The focus should be on mastering the task at hand, and not on enjoying and/or experiencing some new and wild experience. Learning to drive the car before I can enjoy the scenery. But I had to be a passenger a few times to get used to the new and exceptionally wild scenery, before I can return to the boring task of actually learning to skydive.

Also had to do a really long and warm shower to calm down from this, and then a really good and solid cold shower. I’m feeling so happy and fulfilled. This is just totally awesome! It has been a few days since I did yoga now, but I will get back to it very soon. In fact I’m going to go ahead and do 10 sun salutations right now.

Third skydive tandem-jump completed :-D What a totally awesome experience! I’m starting to get my confidence back that I can become a skydiver. The most liberating part about this jump is that I jumped together with a really awesome guy that I had great chemistry with. The guy on the 2nd jump was also really awesome, but he didn’t take part in the experience with me the same way that this new guy did - but he was a very friendly, solid and professional guy, and made me feel really safe - but I think he is a more introverted. But this new guy, I could really blast out all my joy as the parachute opened and we could talk again. I was screaming with so much joy, and he laughed deeply and took part in that joy. It was like totally rock’ n’ roll awesome. Everybody says that this just keeps getting better, and it seems like that to me as well. This third jump was like really deeply, utterly fulfilling. Like I don’t feel I have to do anthing more in life now. Of course I have to, but what a great feeling.

Second skydive tandem-jump completed :-D Such a relief. This time it was much easier. And hahha, I went out of the air-plane by my own will. They didn’t have to force me. That was my goal - simply to jump by my own will and not freeze up as we moved towards the door. I’m far from as high as I became the first time. Now I only feel calm and glad. Probably I got so high the first time because I had such an extreme level of anxiety before the jump, so I was just intensely relieved to be out of the door.

Sauna and cold shower session tonight. 3 times in the sauna, and 2 cold showers. Feeling really relaxed. So good. I totally love the sauna. My biggest sauna-dream is a sauna right next to the sea in winter-time. Sauna combined with ice-bathing equals something really really awesome. Maybe after skydiving and then doing psychedelics right after the skydive, before going into a longer sauna and ice-bathing session, maybe some yoga in-between. And then ending the evening with having sex with someone you deeply love, who also took part in the whole journey. That would be the ultimate. Probably there should be some kayaking in there somewhere as well.

Cold shower this morning. No practice besides that. I have a lot of time to just chill at this skydiving school since the weather is bad and the airplane is gone until tomorrow and I’m not participating in any course. Probably I needed that because I’ve been working so much before I came here. I was having a very strong reaction yesterday, but probably it just takes some time to settle in here, especially since my situation is a bit unusual. Lots of people are trying to tell me to just go and do the solo-jump, so there is a group-pressure here that can be pretty bad, but fortunately they are friendly at the same time. I don’t have it in me right now to try to psych myself up for a solo-jump, but if it comes after doing a tandem-jump I’m open for the possibility. If that doesn’t happen I go for 3 tandem-jumps and then I’m not going to think anything more about this shit for a looooooong time. Jesus Christ how mentally pre-occupied I’ve been with this stuff for a long time now. I’m really glad I got into kayaking and camping at least so I have something else going on which is very fun and not everything is about succeeding in this crazy shit I’m not currently succeeding in. I thought my plan was bullet-proof, but unfortunately relating to other human beings can sometimes be the most challenging part of any activity. I was somehow relieved to hear that at some of the courses 50 % of the participants figured out skydiving wasn’t for them. Maybe they could have figured out it was actually really fun if they had made the emotional and mental investment to get through those barriers. But of couse for most people it might not be worth the investment. Maybe not for me either as this sport seems to require so much and there is so much waiting time etc. But I’m going to cling on to these 3 tandem-jumps until I get them, and then we will see.

Back to skydiving So yesterday I arrived at this skydiving club again for my second stay here. It was a big party evening and I was relieved to see many of the people I did that course with was here for the weekend. The party was great, but today I’ve felt lonely as fuck because I have only booked a room here, in order to do three tandem-jumps and I’m not part of any course or group, and I feel a bit awkward about the whole situation. And the weather is bad and the plane is gone for the weekend so no skydiving this weekend. Skydiving is a very unpredictable sport with a lot of waiting because it is so weather dependent, and there is always something going wrong with the plane or whatever, but the good thing is that at least I don’t feel afraid of jumping now. It seems way less terrifying than last time. Of course I know I will get a reaction when I get into the plane and it takes off, but I feel very settled with my decision to jump already being made, and should I get a strong reaction in the air-plane I will just make a really firm and logical decision to override whatever my feelings tell me. So with that being said, now I only need to figure out a way to kill time until we can go and do those jumps. Actually I hope we can do all in one day. But I will just cling on with all I got to continue to stay here even though it is lonely and boring as fuck right now, because I really need those three jumps to wrap up my «skydiving career» for this season. I might do the course again next summer to become an independent skydiver, and this is why I’m so set on doing these three jumps so that in total I have done 4 tandem-jumps before I start doing solo jumps which should make me well-prepared. But I’m not sure I will return to this because it is such a hazzle. It consumes so much time and money, and it is so unpredictable, but at least I want to get the sense of accomplisment that comes from overcoming that intense fear and horror I experienced leading up to my first jump, and then I might be able to leave this thing feeling satisfied with it as an experience I invested all of myself into for this spring and summer.

Cold shower, and then 25 min yin yoga, this morning. I’m really starting to seriously enjoy this yin yoga program that I’m doing. It really is a perfect 25 min program. My body feels amazing thanks to it. Interesting how much deeper I go into each pose now that I’ve been so regular about them. But I still feel there is a huge potential for going even much deeper into them. Maybe I should just continue to deepen my experience with this program for a while.

25 min yin yoga today as well. Melting into the floor. Melting into presence. Melting into devotion.

A good nice cold shower this morning. So happy I'm keeping up this routine. It seems like it has been well-established long time ago. When I'm thinking about how yucky it is to exit the shower directly from a hot shower it feels like this ending with a cold shower routine will stick with me. It is simply much better.

2nd session of 25 min yin yoga today now as I came home from working day-shift. Oh so nice! Such a great flow at work today as well. Yoga is so fun!

Cold shower this morning, and then 25 min of yin yoga. So good how flexible my body starts to feels again, and especially my spine. It's like all parts are more connected and co-operate better. More fluidity in my body.

7th session of kayaking Cold shower today, and then later in the day 2 hours of kayaking. Pretty nice. Feels like I have it down now. I don't need to worry about technique anymore.

And then I did a cold shower as I came home from the 3rd night-shift. I almost went out in the kayak, but I managed to restrict myself as I have one more night-shift to go. Feels like I haven't been showering in a couple of days.... Hmm.... Guess I've been pretty busy. Well. Anyways. I'm really glad that I'm keeping up the cold showering. It seems like it sticks with me. I guess it feels too terrible going out directly from a hot shower, being warm, sweat and foggy in my mind. Much better to feel crisp and clear. We are passed the warmest season here as well, and the water in my shower remained cold enough for me to get the cold shock through-out this warm season as well, so it is pretty cool that I can keep up with this cold exposure the whole year easily available from my home. Maybe I should aim for one whole year. I've been consistent enough so that this year so far counts.

Same 25 min yin yoga program when waking up again before going to a new night-shift. Sooooooo nice. I’m doing 4 night-shifts in a row now. This is the 3rd. So there probably won’t be any kayaking before I’m done, but nice to give my body some rest from it and process everything I have learned so far, and focus on yoga for these days instead.

25 min yin yoga today after having worked night-shift. Gosh. So amazing. Feels like the kayaking has made my upper body a lot stronger, and that is positively influencing some of the yoga postures - especially downward facing dog, the plank, and chaturanga. I'm just so damn grateful for yoga. This time I want to focus on this 25 min yin yoga program together with that 20 min vinyasa flow program that I follow on youtube, for an extended period of time, so that I really achieve the full potential of those two programs. Yoga and kayaking seems like a really good combination. So interesting how they are both two really meditative forms of exercise. My body is yearning for experiencing a deeper flow with both of them.

I did for half a year. It is amazing! Now I don't do the breathing so much, but I still do the cold showers. I started out pretty gradually myself. The way I got hooked on cold water was that there is a place where I go to do sauna where they have a cold bath right next to the sauna, so being able to go into the sauna so quickly after cold immersion made it much easier. Others turn the temperature in the shower down gradually. Listen to your own body and figure out what is the right dose and pace for you. If one is pushing oneself too hard one is easily burned out... :-)

6th session of kayaking Today me and a friend went out in pretty strong winds and lots of waves to paddle. We paddled around the island where our kayak-club has its base. It is a 4 km paddle. This was totally next level. It felt almost like rafting on the sea. Oh my gosh how much I love experiences like these. We were both close to falling over several times, but we managed to keep the balance. It was like really at the brink of my paddling ability, but still within what I felt was reasonably safe most of the time. I’m sure my self-esteem will have dramatically improved regarding paddling under normal conditions now.

5th session of kayaking Visited an island nearby again with another good friend. He is also getting totally hooked on kayaking. This is the future! We drank a beer together and had a really nice and inspiring conversation around life, history, nature, and kayaking ❤️?? My paddling technique is getting better and better. Today it felt like something I have already almost mastered - totally the opposite of what I felt last time, but it is paying off that I’m kicking this off with such a total focus as I’m giving it. It was not as difficult as I thought it was. Flow is already available. Gratitude. Love. Silence. Understanding. Empathy. Forgiveness. And Deep Fulfilling Joy ❤️

25 min yin yoga this morning. So nice. I’m really going to keep at it with the yoga for a while this time before my focus moves into other types of practice.

Started the day with 50 min of kayaking and then I went back home and did 45 min of meditation, before I went to work to do a day-shift. My day at work was pretty awesome as well, as I had new resposibilities I haven't had before but which I mastered really well and many of my co-workers were positively surprised by the flow-state I was in the whole day. In the evening I went rollerblading in the local skatepark with some of my skate-buddies. I was still in a really awesome flow-state. Seems like kayaking has been the missing X-factor in my life this summer that I finally found. Skydiving was supposed to be that, but since that course didn't go as planned, I was sort of left in a vacum having to process the lack of what I had pictured for this summer. But now I finally have something that gives deep value to my life, and that adds deep value to everything else that I do. It seems like women responds much better to me as well. I must have way less of a needy energy that seeks external validation these days because now I have something that gives me so much value and indepence from everything else. When I'm in this high that I'm in right now I usually quickly tend to crash, but I hope that kayaking is something really substantial that I can use to really bake it out. It seems like it gives me much grounding, and not just this fragile easily crashing high that I so quickly go into. In other words - kayaking is the perfect new addition to my yoga and meditation practice - something that really helps to ground my restless and manic energy.

Thanks for mirroring my experience of appreciating my surroundings more lately!! :-D It is totally way more accessible to deeply appreciate them through kayaking. I'm a pretty restless guy, but 10 min into the paddling and the restlessness starts to melt away and I start to tune into nature and get into this inspired calm meditative flow state. The sky and the ocean and everything feels so big and expansive as I'm sitting there in the middle of it as a tiny small vulnerable human being in a tiny little boat, but yet it is so peaceful and nice and safe, and it makes me feel so at home in the universe. I usually don't like being alone, but when I'm in a kayak I totally love it. Perhaps it brings me back to when we were sea-creatures, because you really feel as part of the sea when sitting in a kayak because I feel so immersed in the water, and less like I'm riding on top of the water as I would have felt in a regular boat. Maybe it also brings me back in touch with the feeling of oneness I imagine I must have had as I was lying in my mothers womb totally immersed in nature and being nurtured by nature from all directions. Please let me know how it is for you if you get back into kayaking, and I hope that you do <3 :-D