Thittato

10 sun salutations, and then a cold shower, before going to work. Soooo nice.

And now, after work, before going to bed, I just did 25 min of yin yoga. And now it really dawned on me what triggered this yoga-kick. My meditation practice sometimes turn to more physical yoga for some periods when I intuitively feel that that is the best way to work with my process at that particular period. And of course it was the failed skydiving-course, and all the mental chaos that has been triggered because of that, and now I need a more determined method to move on from that, and it seemed, for now I need physical yoga to manifest a more clear direction out of this roadblock in my life that I have encountered. This is what I'm intuitively drawn towards as I'm starting to build myself up again. I'm not exactly sure what I'm building myself up again as, but yoga seems like a very good vessel for helping me surrender into whatever is next for me, and also for helping me mourn the loss of identity I had build up as I had been projecting myself for several months into a whole life within the sport/lifestyle of skydiving.

10 sun salutations and then a cold shower, before going to work.

And then 25 min yin yoga before going to bed after having worked night-shift. Yoga is such a beautiful way of experiencing oneself.

10 sun salutations today, and then a cold shower. The shower is still surprisingly cold even though there is a heat-wave outside. This is my fourth time doing yoga again for this little period that started up last Sunday. I need something physical right now, so this is really nice.

Cold shower yesterday, and today.

Cold shower today, and then later, 25 min yin yoga, which I just finished right now before going to bed. So awesome <3

20 min vinyasa flow yoga today, and then a cold shower. Pretty nice. I've done so much various physical activity in other areas, along with some sun salutations here and there, that it almost doesn't feel like I've been away from the yoga, but still, I could make well use of some good rounds of yoga now. It makes my body feel really awesome from the inside. I don't think I know anything else besides yoga that can really challenge the types of physical patterns one usually get stuck in by habit and make use of the full range of motion that the body is capable of.

Cold shower today as well. Seems like I’m still totally addicted. Been well over half a year now with pretty continous cold exposure. And the yoga I did yesterday feels amazing in my body.

And also now later today just before I'm going to sleep (I've stayed up all night because I'm working night-shift starting tomorrow), I did 3 rounds of Wim Hof breathing, 20 min of Vinyasa flow yoga, and then a cold shower. It feels like I'm going again. I think I've picked myself up again. I needed to process the setback of not finishing the skydiving course as planned, and re-write a new and more flexible story about what kind of role skydiving will have in my life, and re-adjust to that reality. It was quite a defeat compared to where I had projected my mind now for several months. But it seems like this defeat is now getting integrated and learned from, and I'm ready to be back in my power again. In total I think the whole thing has raised my self-esteem. It was a huge accomplishment actually jumping out of that plane once. I had to overcome some serious levels of fear and anxiety. I think there is noticiable less of that fear and anxiety in me now. Encountering that really primal and instinctive fear of death - yeah, there is some really powerful exposure therapy in that. All the little dramas in life. That is nothing compared to that. It puts things into perspective. I'm a more generous guy now. I can't be bothered with what other people do. I just got to do my own thing and continue to grow as a person. I'm starting to feel happy about what this summer has given me so far. This summer is starting to develop into an interesting theme. I'm alligning with where I'm supposed to be - this present moment. It couldn't have been any other way. I'm just an organism, connected into the larger organism of all life, growing and developing as I'm supposed to. Just got to be devoted to the whole process. Bow down to the process. I'm finishing up this day by bowing down to the Buddha on my altar before I'm going to bed now. Peace and love.

Cold shower today as well. Camping was great. Been hesitant to go back to the Wim Hof breathing method since I don't know exactly what triggered that Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo episode I just had. But seems like things are starting to go back to normal now in all aspects, so maybe I'll get back to the breathing as well.

Wild camping First time sleeping alone in the forest. Oh my gosh. This feels so right. Can’t wait until daylight when I’m going to start the day with a bath in this beautiful lake.

Cold shower today as well. I think this skydiving-thing is starting to land in me now. Actually I think I will go up there again in the middle of August and do three more tandem-jumps, and then I will re-do the course again next summer. I think my problem here has been my all or nothing attitude, which was triggered pretty hard again. Either I'm a full-time skydiver, or I'm a full-time spiritual meditator. Something like that. I can just relax and let the process follow its natural course. I have already started it, and there is no need to rush it. It was more difficult for me than the other guys at the course, so I'm just taking a slower and more gradual route. And besides that, I have a lot of other things going for me, so this doesn't have to be so all-consuming. Like with everything you do, snowboarding or rollerblading, it is not like you do it once and then you decide that that is something that your are going to really go for. It is more like "yeah, that was fun." And then you do it again, and it was still fun, and then it starts to develop, and suddenly you have a pattern going with it where it is something you return to again and again as a natural organic process. Skydiving isn't something I decide on. If it keeps coming back to me as a natural urge and interest, well, then I guess a pattern will start to develop. And so far it seems like something I have to do again. So I'll start to plan to return to the dropzone again and do a few more tandem-jumps, and if the passion is still there, then probably I will do the course again next summer and be much better mentally prepared for that type of bootcamp. And in the meantime I have lots of other fun stuff going on.

Cold shower yesterday and today. Still very unsure about what to do about everything. Seems like I have made a mental construction where I was getting into ice-bathing and the Wim Hof breathing method, and as a parallell process I was also getting back into rollerblade skating, and a natural progression of those two things combined seemed to be getting into skydiving. And now I'm wondering if this is all just some manic fantasies pulling me away from my spiritual path, or would they be a natural progression of how my spiritual path was meant to unfold? Lots of conflicting emotions about all this. I guess the question is are there still some very unhealed parts of myself where I'm building up an ego-structure around doing cool things because I have some wounded parts of myself that are seeking attention and acknowledgement and I'm still trying to prove myself to the world? And are those forces pulling me away from my healing-path? Or am I just having fun and challenging myself, and that is a natural unfolding of getting more and more in touch with what life is really about? Well. Time will show. I certainly have to experience some uncomfortable emotional conflicts these days. No way around that.

No meditation today either. I went to visit the local skydiving club as they were at the local dropzone today. The tandem-jump I booked for saturday got cancelled, and today they didn’t have any tandem-instructor. But it was nice seeing how they ran this much smaller club. But they couldn’t jump much today either because it was cloudy. Only once did the airplane bring jumpers up in the air, and when we left I was as much in doubt about all of this as I have been lately. Seems like jumps are often cancelled, it is difficult to book a tandem-jump, this requires an enourmous amount of time and resources for something that only lasts a few minutes each time you are lucky to get up in the air after those perfect weather conditions finally arrive. And it is expensive. But the people doing it are damn cool and nice. Glad I decided to do it again, though. I was totally up for it this time. So it seems after all this processing at least I’m a tiny little bit more relaxed about that part. Some kind of anxiety regarding this has left my body. But it still seems like a big hazzle the whole thing. And I know it will still require A LOT of me if I continue the training. On top of all this doubt I’ve been starting to dream about the woman I was dating last summer again. Seems like for a while I could manage to get my purpose hi-jacked into my mental projections about the skydiving world, but now that this projected fantasy has dissolved into doubt and questioning my motivation for doing this, my purpose gets hi-jacked back into romantic fantasies about this woman. Basically everything is back to doubt, insecurities, lack of purpose, shame, not feeling good enough, etc. Maybe I was managing to make a narcissistic projection of myself into a mental image of myself as a cool adrenaline junkie skydiver that I could «thrive» on for quite some time, and when this dissolved it revealed I have some issues regarding self-worth and lack of direction in life that still needs healing. Basically Wim Hof and ice-bathing gave me an escape from all this this winter, as I had a new spiritual project I could hype myself up about, and then this lead me further into projected ideas about myself as a skydiver that I could hype myself further up about because that seemed like a natural progression because Wim Hof was also doing stuff like that - world record for swimming under ice, bungee jumping, etc. I’m like constantly seeking extreme things. I guess the only real good thing right now is that I seem to have a greater tolerance for this misery I’m in. I would have desperately searched for something new to cling onto before. This seems to be my pattern. I’ve been carrying around so much unbearable pain that I always escape into chasing some ever-changing projected reality of what I think will be my dream-life. It is easier these days to just let it suck. Giving myself permission to just experience all this fully without trying to find an escape. Seems like writing like this helps me remove my resistance to this experience, so maybe, finally, at some point, I can own it.

No meditation today, but much less of an identity crisis going on. I'm neither clinging on to some new "identity building project" nor feeling any big lack from not clinging on to such a project. I'm pretty ok just being myself today. But also, I've felt really connected with my friends and my family today. I guess a lot of my stuff get triggered when I feel lonely. So much is simply about connection and belonging. But then again, regarding those things, it certainly helps being connected to oneself in the first place. The older I get the more simple it all seems to be. And by the way the tandem-jump that I booked today got cancelled because they didn't have enough experienced jumpers to run the local dropzone today. They are a small local club, so they are dependent on getting a certain numbers of experienced jumpers for every day that they choose to open the dropzone. I was fine either way. A bit relieved that I didn't had to jump today, but also proud of myself for actually feeling ready and booking that jump. Tomorrow I will go visit the dropzone with a friend. It sounds for certain that they will open tomorrow, but I don't think they have a tandem-instructor for tomorrow. But I think just showing up and getting to know the local skydiving family will be nice regarding whatever direction this will take for myself. They all seemed very supportive of my own story regarding all this, so they are very well-familiar with this huge fear this triggers in a lot of people. Will be fun to just go up there and watch some local skydivers do their thing.

30 min meditation today. Still feeling like crap. Trying to just surrender into it. Guess I neeed to return back to the experience of letting it burn. I've often found before that through meditation burning emotional pain can transform into burning passion. I just need to fully comprehend the totallity of my experience of life these days. And then I can own it, and then it will transform into power. By just really letting it suck. I'm having an identity crisis, like so many times before. My mind seems to take up identity with something, and then eventually, usually sooner than later, I can not sustain that identity any longer (from an internal perspective the forces building up that identity suddenly just dissolves again - from an outside perspective nothing has necessarily changed), and then I'm dissolved again into mental chaos and bewilderment. So I need to process out this chaos again, and clear up space for clearity. This doesn't look so dramatic from the outside. And I've been through many cycles of this before. But there is always a new element to it that tends to pull the rug out from under me. Some new layer of something to fully comprehend.

Holy fuck. I'm not really feeling good these days. And it won't go away. And it has everything to do with that failed skydiving-course. For 3 months, at least, I've been investing my whole identity into making skydiving into the ultimate in my life. Like the absolute totally next step in my progression in life. This summer is totally going to suck. Like really hard. I'm lost. I'm bewildered. Instead of just getting the shit over with by just doing the fucking stupid jump I'm getting punished in hell for not doing it. I'm getting really painful penalty rounds for no good at all. Doesn't feel like I have any choice at all. I just need to get back up there again and do the fucking jump. So I have booked a tandem-jump again now on saturday at the local skydiving-club. But it doesn't seem like the weather is going to be in our favour. But if it is I'm jumping tandem again on saturday. Feels like that is just delaying the inevitable anyways. Making the jump myself. Shouldn't be so hard on myself, but no doubt about it that this totally sucks. I guess, if life is forcing me to do this, well, then I have no other choice than to surrender into it. Resistance is futile.

45 min meditation today. It felt like I had an identity crisis before I sat down. Like there is no category or group of people what so ever anymore where I belong. And then I just relaxed into all these feelings, sensations and scenarios, and now after the sit I feel very relieved regarding all this. Some kind of cramp that came wanting me to find an identy to cling to, and now I'm relaxed enough to just rest with things as they are.

30 min meditation today as well. Just sitting. Well, maybe that is exactly what I'm doing these days. Suddenly my interest returned to 'Just sitting.' My practice has always been informed by Just sitting, but I tend to do a little bit more vipassana/investigation. But now I'm surrendering into just sitting. It is much more Zen, and a little bit less Theravada. In Just Sitting one is supposed to already exemplify the awakened state of mind. It has a bit of "fake it 'til you make it" in it. You are just sitting there. Nothing left to do, except just being. Beingness is its own reward. Beingness is meaning enough on its own. Nothing to add, or substract. Reality is as it is. Always here. Forever, always present.

30 min meditation today as well. Really nice to just sit in surrender and breathe deeply and relaxed. I feel like I'm totally letting go of the notion that I'm meditating to get anywhere these days, and instead I'm just doing it for its own sake. The luxury of just sitting there and being with myself, my breath, and my feelings. There has been so much striving to get somewhere. Now it is time to just enjoy it for its own sake. Pretty much the same thing which is happening with my guitar-playing these days.

30 min meditation today as well. So nice to experience what this illness did to me in term of getting more humble and real. It seems like some aggressive/obsessive edge is out of my system for now. I'm more laid-back again. These days, when I meditate, it is really nice to just sit in surrender and make sure I breathe deeply down into my abdomen. So much joy with my guitar these days. Finally it is an integreated part of my daily life, and just something that gives me energy and fun, instead of lots of frustrations.

30 min meditation today. Getting better. Almost back to normal. I'm pretty sure the BPPV episode was triggered by the stress from the skydiving-course. What else? It was a pretty stressful experience, so seems pretty normal it would have some ramifications. But it has been nice with some days of surrender and rest. I totally needed to crash. This whole thing has been like I'm having a manic episode where I get obsessed with something, but then there is a support system where I can live out my mania and get supported through the experience, and also get some purification out of it, and come out on the other side as a more humble and grounded human being. So basically exposure therapy. That is what I tend to view everything as. Something great comes out of everything. These last days I'v been having some really great days with my guitar. It seems like whenever I crash in one area of my life I find a way to develop in another area. In the end I want to connect all these different branches into one unified whole.

30 min meditation today. Totally crushed. But there is something nice about it. Just sitting in total surrender. I listened to a talk yesterday by my old meditation teacher. It is about finding joy in failure. It is pretty awesome. Like it is a good thing to get pushed into a corner with no wiggle room because it forces you to let go of whatever identification you were holding onto and let go into even more freedom. I think my training in meditation helps me a lot when I'm having these periods in my life. Not only am I mentally prepared, so that it doesn't spiral out of control, but I'm also able to find a sense of satisfaction in it all. So much stress involved in trying to maintain whatever ego-configuration I have going for myself. In many ways it feels better to get it crushed and then enjoy surrender. At the very least it is a very helpful way of approaching the inevitable fuck ups in life. There has been a lot of suffering in this process lately. No denying of that. But it is so interesting how meditation can transform that suffering into some kind of spiritual satisfaction. It also seems like whenever I'm "broken down" a new sense of creativity, easy, flow, humbleness, and joy, is arising out of that, once it has been processed well.

Sudden attack of "Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo." So very surprisingly last sunday I had to go home from work because I was suddenly very dizzy and started vomiting. I consulted with my doctor and he thought I had so-called BPPV. I have now received treatment for it and it is starting to get better. Apparently some crystals in the ear are somehow thrown out of their normal position, and end up in a place where they start to irritate your organ for balance, so you have to receive treatment to "shake them" back to where they belong. Apparantly it is not dangerous at all, but the sense of dizziness and nausea was totally all-consuming, so I wasn't able to do anything but to lie in my bed. It was a pretty nasty experience. But I tried my best to use my meditative experience to deal with this situation, and it was interesting that even though my only choice was to lie completely still in bed to get any sense of rest from the symptoms I could get a decent amount of meditative pleasure out of lying there. LIke grooving on the simple sense of existence even when totally ill. They have often said that buddhist practice is a practice for dying, because at some point we are going to lie there on our deathbed totally stripped from everything that gave meaning to our life before in a sick and hurtfull body, and at that point we have nothing, except from the qualites in our heart and mind. So in that sense this BPPV experience was a practice for dying. It felt so bad at times that it felt like I didn't care whether I was going to live or die after this. It was pretty interesting to touch upon this experience of being willing to accept that I might never get my normal life back again. I'm not saying this lightly. I'm pretty humbled by the whole thing. Like oh my gosh how vulnerable life is and how quickly things can turn around. But it was really comforting to see that through my meditative practice I had some training for a situation like this. So if one can be willing to just let go off everything, then it is easier to find the meditative pleasure in a situation of being very ill. It was also very interesting how all my therapeutical issues was coming back in full force again. I still feel disoriented from it. Almost like an ayahuasca journey where everything is dissolved and you're just lying there wallowing in your karma. I meditated for 30 min today when I woke up, and today it feels like the treatment really did work because I'm slowly getting back to my normal sense of self and balance again. The meditative experience today was very calm and blissful, but afterwards I felt very vulnerable. And many of my experiences lately have been pointing me back again and again to how dissatisfied I am with so often loosing touch with my vulnerability when I get obsessed about some project or hobby that makes me think life is really awesome or something like that. I'm really tired of getting fixated like this again and again. There should be a more integrated way to relate to my various interests. I'm also very much questioning what does it mean to live a deep and rich spiritual life, and am I constantly getting pulled back into more superficial activies and groups of people because my commitment to the spiritual path isn't firm enough right now? So yeah, there is totally some escapism going on in my life. I'm not fully getting what I'm searching for. I'm going to go buy a hammock now and just lie in the forest and rest and contemplate upon these questions. Maybe this failed skydiving-course, and this BPPV experience, can help me turn me back towards what my heart really yearns for.