Thittato

30 min ganja yoga today as well. So good. I only smoked a little this time, and that was so good. Yesterday I smoked a little bit too much so it was getting a bit too intense. It is important with this to not let my greed take over. Greed for getting higher than I need to be. It easily starts to take over and then it turns into chasing getting higher and higher - instead of just relaxing into the beautiful effect that even a small dose gives to this yoga-practice. If this practice sticks with me I will probably smoke less than what I have been doing now - and it will probably only be in order to get the yoga done and then to get on with my life, instead of whole evenings dedicated to cannabis. I guess it takes some time to figure out ones dose. Todays dose was really perfect. I don't feel intoxicated right now. I just feel mellow, grounded, soft and relaxed. If this was early in the day I could have easily continued with the rest of the day without being distracted with being high.

30 min ganja yoga today as well. I feel good enough again to do yoga, at least this soft and nourishing yoga that ganja yoga is. And wow. It is so relaxing for me. It is like magic. It is my tiny little superpower that I have access to this medicine. Especially nice to see how it takes care of me while I'm recovering from this cold. This cold is like a cleansing that I'm going through. I'm noticing there has been a lot of stress lately around the concept of "getting fit." Maybe I've pushed my body a little too far lately. I mean, you get high and motivated from it as well, but it can easily make you push yourself too much. Together with a high pressure at my job I think my body needed some down-time and a cleansing now. I'm thinking I'm going to become some super-athlete in all areas, but yoga in itself certainly takes you far. It is like bringing it back to the source. And learning to rest in the source. I'm always reborn after a session of yoga. Reborn as a fresh, optimistic, joyous, creative, more loving and understanding version of myself.

30 min ganja yoga yesterday as well. No practice today. I woke up with a pretty heavy cold, and I've been in bed for the whole day. Been working a lot lately, and now I'm having three days off, and then just one evening shift and then I will have three weeks off. Totally needed. After society opened up again it has been really wild at our emergency psychiatric hospital. It is as if the people with severe psychiatric problems have been bottled up during lockdown, and now they can finally unleash all their craziness. I'm very fortunate that I've managed to save up my hollidays until now, because I think the pressure on our department has never been this bad and I cannot see how I would have handled not having a longer period off now. So it seems like when I have some days off finally I have time to be sick, so then I can just surrender into it. I've been pushing myself in lots of ways lately, so having a strong cold can be a nice reboot.

30 min ganja yoga, 3 rounds of Wim Hof breathing, 20 min of vinyasa flow yoga, a good and long warm shower, and then a good and long cold shower. Holy smokes. That was awesome. Exactly what I needed.

19th session of kayaking Started the day with 45 min of meditation, and then I went kayaking around two islands nearby, which took 1 hour. Wish I could be out longer, because the weather was totally perfect, but I'm working evening-shift so I had to make it a short trip. Anyways, it was really really nice. The meditation this morning was also really good. I was just melting into softness. My mind was present all the time.

On the other hand - I planned (as it unfolded) on doing 20 sessions of kayaking this season. Before the winter. I'm not going to invest in a dry-suit this winter, so the season is soon coming to an end for me because the water is gradually getting colder and colder, and you can only kayak safely for so long without having a dry-suit. So two more sessions and I'm done. And I'm already enjoying more respect in my job because my level of fitness is increasing. So maybe I don't need to take that martial art thing too far. I mean doing some shadow-boxing at home is very satisfying regarding getting more prepared for encountering violence at my work. So maybe I should just continue with what has become my plan - which is to go deeply into rock climbing this winter. Let me keep my focus on that. And continuing with having yoga as my spiritual practice but also consciously direct it towards supporting and nurturing my rock climbing. It is all about getting more into the body. And I think there is something really powerful about rock climbing when it comes to that. I mean, we are coming from the apes. Genetically there is something inherited deep inside of us longing to control ones body in such a way that one does through rock climbing. It is a really bad ass thing to do.

18th session of kayaking Pretty awesome day. I started the day with doing a good session of shadow-boxing. Then I went kayaking for 1 hour. Then I visited my mom and had a really great conversation with her. She is also a person who seeks to optimalize her flow, so we have a lot in common. After that I went climbing for 3 hours. My climbing-buddy has catched a cold so I had to go alone, but that was no problem. I have already found a new climbing-buddy which was there, so he introduced me to alot of other people. Seems very easy and relaxed and fun to get to know new climbing-people. So anyways, on my way home, I reflected a lot on my interest in martial arts, because I've been so intensely fascinated by UFC and mixed martial arts lately, and I'm noticing in my job because I have gained weight and strength lately, that the violent psychiatric male patients that I sometimes work with (I'm working with many other different types of patients as well which are way easier to help therapeutically because they don't pose any physical threat for me), they seem to have a lot more respect for me simply because I have increased in size (and probably also my energy is much more confident). But I'm thinking, if there is one thing that would really increase my confidence in my job exponentially that would be to start training in martial arts. So anyways, I sometimes do shadow-boxing, and that felt really good today. So I will just include some more shadow-boxing every now and then to start with. But maybe all this kayaking and climbing and everything else I have been doing physically will eventually lead me into martial arts. I'm becoming a very well-rounded athlete and maybe the point of that is to bring it all into martial arts. I mean, no reason to goof around with lots of various sports if I can just go directly to the source regarding what will be extremly helpful in my job. Of course yoga is the foundation for all of this. So from that I guess I can just branch out in whichever direction I feel inclinded towards as long as I keep on working on my foundation in yoga at the same time. Anyways, for now, I'll just continue in this pattern that I'm already in, but I'll also add some shadow-boxing to the mix to begin with, and maybe at some point I'll join a martial arts club and have my focus there instead of on kayaking and rock climbing.

No practice yesterday. Today I started the day with 20 min vinyasa flow yoga. Then I visited a friend and we did 30 min ganja yoga together. We also smoked cannabis together and had a lot of really fun and interesting conversations. This friend lives in another town 1 hour by bus away from me, so the whole thing was a nice little journey back and forth. When I came home I did 25 min of ganja yoga. Didn't smoke more cannabis, but I'm obviously still high. So today I've done 3 sessions of yoga. Pretty awesome. 75 min of yoga in total. Interestingly that even though my day has been totally saturated by yoga, 75 min of yoga is just a very common standard class when you go to a studio. So maybe I should soon start to go back to taking studio classes, because that is a much easier way of getting stronger doses of yoga in, with the group-support and being away from home and everything. Anyways, the day has been totally awesome. This is medicine.

20 min vinyasa flow yoga today. I have this program on youtube that I really like. This is the program I've been doing the most. I think I will continue to do this program as much as possible just to really get the flow down. It is very efficient. Only 20 minutes, but it feels like a full work-out.

No practice today, but yesterday I also had a session of 30 min ganja yoga together with a friend in the evening. It was pretty nice, but unfortunately I smoked too much of the joint afterwards. We had planned on doing one more session of ganja yoga after that joint, but I had to go out and walk instead. It was pretty demanding and I almost got sick, but I managed to breathe really deeply and ground myself in my body, and it ended up feeling like it was walking-meditation I did, so in a way I was getting a second session of ganja yoga, just not exactly the way I expected. I was pretty shaken from this when I came home. Part of my negative history with cannabis is not only the paranoia I have frequently experienced, but also occasionally smoking too much and getting sick and vomiting. So feels like I was experiencing that aspect as well in a more conscious way.

20 min vinyasa flow yoga this morning. Gosh. Rock climbing is opening up such a new interest in how the body moves, and it is amazing how that translates into a new interest for the yoga postures. Rock climbing and yoga is the perfect match.

No practice yesterday, except a good session of rock climbing. 1 hour meditation this morning.

20 min vinyasa flow yoga, and a cold shower, this morning. Starting to get those feelings of deep, intense gratitude, and purpose, again.

Yesterday I did 30 min ganja yoga together with a buddy, and then later in the evening we also did a 15 min guided ganja yoga lying down meditation. This is by far the best session of ganja yoga I've had so far. My buddy totally digged it as well. Today, when I came home from working evening shift, I first did a cold shower, and then I did 25 min yin yoga. I'm noticing I'm becoming extra inspired to do yoga because it seems to help a lot with my new interest in rock climbing. Actually yoga and rock climbing seems like the perfect match right now. Rock climbing gives me both the strenght and the cardio which I crave to get more of than what I get from my yoga practice. It is also very fun and creative. And yoga helps with my restitution, because rock climbing is pretty hard on the body. I'm pretty sure I will get very much into indoors rock climbing this winter. So far I'm only climbing once a week, but I see myself probably switching it up to two times per week pretty soon, and then eventually three times per week. The momentum I've been having in this sport has only continued to increase, and now, even though I started this summer, I'm already much better than my friends who started one year ago. This is probably thanks to my yoga-practice, because it gives me such a good foundation to learn the skills of rock climbing from. It would be really interesting to get the momentum going even much stronger, and I feel very enthuasiastic about the prospect of going several times per week combined with continuing to deepen my yoga-practice.

20 min vinyasa flow yoga today, and then, later in the evening, a cold shower. Super-ultra-nice

Damn. My first text disappeared ? Ok. So 45 min meditation today, and a cold shower. I’m noticing that I’m not expecting to get anything out of the cold showers anymore - like get into a super-fresh state or anything. I just do them because I like them. Pretty nice. But it is really out of the question to not finish with a cold shower (I always do warm shower first) because I don’t want to leave the shower warm, sweat and foggy.

20 min vinyasa flow, and a cold shower, today. Super-nice.

And then I went climbing again this evening. So awesome. This is a really social sport, with a good representation of both genders, and it is easy to get into conversations with new people. The climbing gym feels like a very attractive place to be. Not somewhere hidden away from people, but a place where "it happens." I love the energy of places like that. And especially when I start to get into a flow state regarding my own climbing it feels especially nice to be in the midst of such a nice crowd of people. The flow-state feels amplified by the energy of the crowd. And when I came home I did a good and long cold shower. Been doing cold exposure consistently for almost a year now. I feel very grateful about this. Actually on days where the only practice I get to do is my cold shower - I think that is good enough. Those cold showers are really powerful.

40 min meditation today. It was really nice. Feels like I have much more space around my suffering because of the yoga I have been doing lately. Before I used the vipassana to go directly into wherever the stuffering manifested and made it dissolve into vibrations, but it feels like my embodiment is growing and that now I also use my body - like breathing deeply down into my abdomen and relaxing my shoulders and jaw, for instance - in order to create more space and a much more pleasant "climate" in my being so that the meditation technique is executed on a much friendlier and more relaxed climate. I've always been aware of these things, but lately it is as if they have been coming more alive. Even when lying in my bed before going to sleep I use the breath much better. One of my favorite spots to breathe into is my lower back. Amazing to feel when the lower back expands because of the breath.

Cold showers on saturday and sunday as well, but no other practice. Today I did ganja yoga with a friend (but without the cannabis). First a 30 min program, and then we chatted for a bit, and then we did a 25 min program. She and her boyfriend are going to join me next time and then we are going to do it together with cannabis. She really liked it, and it was really nice to do yoga together with someone again. Maybe we can create a little group of ganja yogis together.

A good and long cold shower today as well.

Good and long cold shower today. Pretty nice.

20 min vinyasa flow yoga this morning, and then a good and long cold shower. Super-nice

And then 25 min yin yoga now in the evening as I came home from a climbing-session with two friends. Holy smokes. This day has been amazing. I totally outcompeted my two friends in climbing today, even though they have been doing it for over a year and I only started this summer. It just demonstrates that because I have a regular yoga-practice my athletic abilities are surpassing theirs - because they don't have a regular physical practice, even though they are very active people. Anyways. I must have been in a very strong flow-state as well. I was just totally celebrating that this whole cannabis and ganja yoga thing went well. And I'm sort of very relieved that I'm out of cannabis now and I'm getting a break from it. Even though my experience this time was very positive I feel like I should also very much respect that people easily get addicted by this thing, and/or have some difficult experience with it because of the paranoia it tends to bring up. I usually only smoked cannabis for much shorter periods before, and I would always leave it feeling burned and angry at it for once again bringing me into paranoia and negative shit. For some strange reason I didn't approach it as I would approach a difficult psychedelic trip - as a therapeutic experience - which is kind of strange. But I guess the negative stigma I had against cannabis made me just judge it as some toxic shit or something like that. So anyways, being happy and at the same time relieved that I'm returning back to my sober self really brought me into a very good flow-state today. Not exactly what you would suspect after smoking for two weeks. But this ganja yoga has been really amazing. I don't feel foggy at all anymore, and probably I'm not going to feel like that tomorrow either. It probably has a lot to do with perspective. I'm pretty sure there is a strong collective trauma around cannabis that has been shaping the way most of us view it (and perhaps also use it). We all know a lot of people who misuse it and are stuck in their lives. And it has some very sneaky qualities which easily makes you infatuated by it. And most people think it is the devil himself. At least here where I live. So all that has been very much amplifying my own shame, and made it into something I have to distance myself from in order to get away from this shameful version of myself. Anyways, I'm going to have a long break from cannabis - at least two weeks - just so that I can take this integration period really seriously. If this is something I eventually end up using more frequently it will have to make its way into my life very gradually. Let me just celebrate for now that this went really well, and then I can continue to associate this with something very positive before I embark on more experiments with it. Yoga is awesome!

20 min of vinyasa flow yoga, a cold shower, and then 45 min of meditation, this morning. I thought I had to kick-start this pause that I'm now taking from cannabis with some solid practice, and that felt really good. I'm a bit foggy from all the cannabis, but I feel lighter because of my practice, especially the meditation today was really good. Looking forward to continue to "clear up" and reflect back on everything I've learned during this immersion in ganja yoga. My primary intention has been to use it to go deeper in my yoga, so it will be interesting to see how my yoga feels in the coming days. Anyways, it already feels like a success because my relationship with cannabis has been improved tremendously, and I feel very satisfied with my explorations. I do think there are some disadvantages with cannabis as well. Especially the sense that everything else than being stoned sucks. I experienced a mild version of this this time. It is like cannabis takes the juice of life and multiply it while high, but then there is less of that juice the next day so your appreciation of daily life gets dialed down a few notches, and then you feel you need cannabis to get the juice back again in the evening after having "survived" a day which was less juicy than usual. But this might also be something psychological going on because now I feel very enthusiastic about spending some longer time without smoking again. I'm also a bit of a high-strung person, so maybe I can learn more about just relaxing into the after-effects of having smoked cannabis the day before. But in general I was just much more relaxed around the whole thing than I've ever been before. Ganja yoga has really made cannabis into something medicinal for me. So this has been 15 days of applying medicine. It will be interesting to see if I'm more relaxed now without the medicine than I was before I started this period. At the very least, I have prolonged my yoga-period with 2 more weeks of lots of inspiration, and now I'm currious and enthusiastic about seeing how my yoga-practice will be sober again, so that in itself is already a lot.