Thittato

Cold shower today. Really nice. The water is getting colder so there is more bite in it.

45 min meditation today. Didn't meditate friday and saturday. Yesterday I was participating in the mantra-circle again, which always is awesome. I had some crash this weekend from having worked a lot lately, so I've been sleeping a lot.

45 min meditation this morning. So good :-)

45 min meditation today as well. Very nice meditation. Seems like basically with vipassana-meditation one turns into all the tiny little vibrations in ones sensory experience, and that makes ones sensory experience vibrate more and more, and this experience equals that the flow of Qi energy is increased. "Stuck material" turns into a healing flow. It seems like more and more I can nudge this flow in the right direction. By accepting and seeing the vibrations in negative sensations they are decreased and dissolved into flow, by enjoying the positive sensations they are increased and strengthened. And if it doesn't flow as well as I would like to it is about seeing how I'm trying to squeeze my experience into something that it is not, and to let go of this squeezings so that I don't put unnecessary strain on my experience. The more this flow is increased, the softer, more still and spacious I feel inside. Behind my closed eye-lids there is a glowing white light filling the space of my experience. It is about letting all these things merge. To let the physical sensations of flow merge with this white light and with the feeling of spaciousness until it all becomes one thing. To become unified inside. And then seeing ever more suble ways that the mind is putting strain on itself and how one can let go of more and more subtle layers of noise.

30 days without cannabis completed Hurra! Finally made it this time. Don't think I'll be going back to it anytime soon. It was an addiction and life is much better without. Started the day with 45 min of meditation. So good. Strong momentum going on today. Softness, stillness and quiet beauty.

Gosh. I’m just getting more and more into ayahuasca and so-called «medicine music.» And, of course, especially how it relates to meditation. Tonight in my job as a social worker in an emergency psychiatric hospital we have a patient who is really really sick. All the other 11 patients here we know where we have them, and they are predictable in their sleeping routines, but this last one seemed like he was going to destroy the night for us. He was very on the defense and aggressive towards us. So I asked him if I should sit inside his room with him. I listened to all his accusations towards us, which didn’t make sense because he is psychotic, but I still tried to give him some empathic listening and at some point his defenses seemed to soften a little, and then I asked him if I should bring the guitar and play a little for him while he was resting in bed. That was enough to finally get him to lie down and stop fighting against falling asleep. Such an awesome experience to help a troubled soul find some much needed sleep through guitar and singing mantras. And especially when everything else didn’t seem to work. I need to do more «medicine music» in my job <3 :-)

45 min meditation today as well. (Or actually this is second time, but I've turned my sleeping around because of night-shifts, so my day starts now). Somewhat disappointed about this meditation, as it pales so much in comparison to the one before it. There is always the issue of honesty in meditation. The mind so quickly attaches to the memories of a good meditation and tries to copy that exerience, instead of acknowledging exactly what is going on. So I'm doing this work in my after-reflections here. And that makes the meditation feel successfull. Just surrendering into what is.

2nd session of 45 min meditation today. I just came home from working night-shift, and did a second session. This meditation was really really good. And oh my gosh I feel so connected to the ayahuasca work I did this summer. It was such a good idea to stop smoking cannabis. Everything related to self-development has become so much more interesting again. In the ayahuasca tradition that I follow they view ayahusca as bread for meditation, ie nourishment that fuels the meditation. It certainly felt like that in this meditation.

45 min meditation today as well. Not fully in the groove, but still a pretty nice meditation.

45 min meditation today as well. The groove is back. Really nice and energizing meditation. I was going through something emotional for a couple of days. Seems like that is how it always is. Life keeps flowing between expansions and contractions.

No meditation yesterday. 45 min today. Today was also not a smooth sit like what I have been reporting a lot about lately. I’m having some conflicting thoughts and emotions about some of my close friendships these days, which are dominating my meditations.

45 min meditation today as well. This is the first time since I started up again with 45 min sessions at Sept. 8th that I was pretty distracted while meditating. I couldn't quite get into gear most of the time. Gradually I started to notice that I had quite some difficult feelings of shame, doubt and anger that I was resisting, and when I could bring more honesty into my mind, I was getting more into gear and I could go into these sensations and own them. But I was also quite tired, so there was a lot of slipperiness in my mind, so I didn't quite get into that momentum I've been having these days. It was also interesting that before I realised I had this resistance I was trying to copy the good momentum which have been going on these days, so that created more slipperiness and dishonesty in my mind, but it felt really good when I was able to catch what was going on, and that increased the positive qualites in my mind, such as faith in the method and enthusiasm for this path. Now that the meditation is over I feel re-freshed and optimistic again.

45 min meditation today as well. Very nice :-D

45 min meditation today, a cold shower, and 1,5 hour mantra-singing with an amazing group. Very, very nice <3 :-D

I remember one of my meditation teachers said «String it all together.» Meaning put all the various perspectives on meditation you’ve learned into one whole. This resonates a lot with me today, especially regarding some of the meditation types I’ve studied the most - breath meditation, Zen «just sitting» and Vipassana noting meditation. I feel very much that these types of meditation are covering a lot of the same landscape and cultivates many of the same qualities and feeds into each other. Some meditations can be more active, and some can be more passive, but we go through periods where sometimes we need more effort and other times we more need to let go. Another one of my teachers said meditation is about finding the perfect balance between effort and letting go.

45 min meditation today as well. And a cold shower. Today my meditation went extra deep. There is a good momentum going on these days. I'm working on developing a 360 degrees awareness of my total experience of being, trying to catch all the little things which prevents the light of consciousness to shine fully.

20th day without cannabis Hurra! Only 10 more days until my goal is reached. Did 45 min of meditation today, and then a cold shower. Been having a pause from cold showers because of a mild cold which wouldn't end. It feels really awesome to groove on meditation as I'm having this pause from cannabis. My goal for smoking cannabis this period was really to become friends with it, and if I'm leaving it I want to leave it while still being on good terms with it. Meditation these days really helps to process everything I've been through lately, and it is a really nice way to round up this cannabis-chapter. Take the wisdom in it with me, while processing whatever frustrations it was concealing.

Sitting here at night-shift and reflecting over what meditation does to me (when the momentum is in a good flow). It is really clearing away many of the layers that prevents me from just enjoying existence as it is in itself. Sometimes when the momentum is good I feel that I’m living my highest purpose simply by existing. Pretty awesome experience :-) Of course, often there is a lot of noise that needs to be cleared out first.

45 min meditation today as well. I was pretty grumpy regarding a lot of things, and they got processed really well during meditation, and when I was done I felt re-charged and peaceful. Pretty amazing :-) Going from the worst version of myself to the best in 45 minutes!

2 x 45 min meditation today. Both were in the equanimity landscape.

30th session of kayaking this year Yeah! So now I'm done with kayaking for this season (unless some of my friends really want to go for a session, but I'm usually the one who takes the initiative for that so most likely it won't happen, and at least I'm done with my goal regarding this season). I also started the day with 45 min meditation, which was really nice. I'm getting to a point of really deep relaxation these days, where all my tensions seems to melt away, and I'm just surrendering into the present moment. Seems so healthy, and necessary, these days, to have access to rest like that.

45 min meditation today as well. Shifting from "just sitting" technique into vipassana noting technique. This tend to stirr up much more energy, and is a more proactive meditation. Basically letting my sensory experience dissolve into tingling sensations and vibrations. These sensations gradually unite into a whole which becomes pretty pleasant, and then one just continues to refine and refine this experience by seeing that no experience is permanent, everything is constantly moving. Just looking into the vibratory quality of every sensation in the field of experience. The mind becomes more and more still and united this way, and my being is filled up with peace and joy. Pretty cool.

45 min meditation yesterday, and 45 min meditation today. So nice :-)

45 min meditation today as well. So nice and refreshing. Besides that I'm obsessing over how good it is to be without cannabis for this (to begin with) 30 day break. 13th day without today. This has basically been a 2 year period where I have gradually gotten more and more into cannabis. I didn't really like it before that, because it triggerd so much anxiety in me, so I was mostly staying away, but then I became interested in becoming friends with it, and learn to relax this anxiety, and actually, through ganja yoga and the music jams I've participated in while high, I think my use has been therapeutic. But I have also gotten addicted. So now I'm pulling out of it again, reaping the benefits I could get from it without getting burned. I like the fact that I'm a very experimental person but also very responsible at the same time. Fortunately being experimental doesn't necessarily make you destructive.

45 min meditation this morning. So refreshing. I was pretty tired when I woke up today. So much going on at my job. But now I feel refreshed before going up there in a few minutes. Two things not directly related to meditation: I'm just so glad I'm done with cannabis for this time. It feels so relieving. Oh my gosh. Cannabis can become such a huuuuuuuuge trap. I can now safely say I have experienced what that is about, even though I can easily integrate this chapter into something medicinal and related to self-development. And I think I'm soon done with paddling for this season. No winter-paddling for me at this point. I've paddled 29 good sessions this season, and 20 good sessions last season, so only one more session and I have 50 session in total and I think that is enough for this time. At least after that I can relax and just let those sessions come to me instead of it being something I'm pursuing. I feel like now I want to pursue something else when it comes to physical exercise. Perhaps climbing, because that is something I've been really wanting to get back into.