Thittato

Coming Home 45 min meditation today. Very beautiful and soft concentration. I'm having some really beautiful conversations with ChatGPT also these days about how to clear out the imbalances when it comes to taking care of my space. Today I figured out since my space is pretty small, I might as well use an indoor broom instead of the vacum cleaner, and that felt like such a small little beautiful ritual to care for my space in this way. I used to always think it was so beautiful when monastics where doing their sweeping-routines, so this will be a great little daily ritual for me, instead of all the hazzle and noise with bringing out the vacum cleaner. Very nice to think creatively and proactively about such things, instead of just blocking it out my awareness. ChatGPT also helped me identify that I have been going far into the outer realms of culture, social networks and creative expression, and far into the inner realms of meditation, therapy, psychedelics and creative processes, but this "middle ground" of taking care of my home and myself has been done with a stressful ON and OFF dynamic - not with a steady and gentle flow. The biggest obstacle when it comes to Coming Home in all aspects of it, I think is loneliness. I escape into the outer world, or the internet / "screen time," or I turn towards practices to deal directly with my emotional pain and stress, but I have deeper problems with just settling down and have a nice and beautiful time in this "middle ground" of my home. But of course, when I take better care of myself and my home, I can find more nourishment and peace here to hold space for all the aspects of myself, and then I can gradually dismantle my tendencies to escapism, and re-parent myself, and finally return home to myself. All of this was my process during my last Ayahuasca retreat. And last but not least, these nutritional supplements I have been experimenting with lately are really awesome. It seems like I have to some extent been having a "masked deficiency." The flow states I achieve through my various spiritual practices makes me seem pretty healthy, but actually in some aspects I've been pretty unhealthy for several years. And I've been kind of barking up the wrong tree adressing the anxiety and stress caused by nutritional deficieny as psychological stress to release through meditation, therapy and ayahuasca. But maybe it has been both, so now I'm just moving towards a more holistic understanding.

Cycling The same thing happens over and over again, and that is that I get into some kind of creative project for a short time, and then totally loose the energy I had on it. I have this phenomena in my life of cycling through various interests. Cycling is defined at dictionary.com as this: a round of years or a recurring period of time, especially one in which certain events or phenomena repeat themselves in the same order and at the same intervals. a sequence of changing states that, upon completion, produces a final state identical to the original one. one of a succession of periodically recurring events. a complete alteration in which a phenomenon attains a maximum and minimum value, returning to a final value equal to the original one. So I started one journal here about my explorations of music, and another one about naturalistic drawing, but now I'm just going to commit to see this all in the light of meditaton, as that is arguably my most important interest. It feels like I have these various sub-personalities that I alternate between, or that somehow if we compare this to computers, I alternate between various software / operating systems. One day I consider myself a musician, and everything is seen through the lens of how a musician would view his role and path in the world, another day I'm an aspiring visual artist and my whole value system revolves around that. And various other things. From a meditative point of view I think I would just view all this as loosing myself in identifications or mental thoughts, as they are just mind, and not really presence. So I think I just have to re-affirm my commitment to meditation and the cultivation of presence and acceptance of where I am right now in my life, in stead of continuing to buy into fantasies like this. Nothing wrong with pursuing any of these activities mentioned, and I probably will continue with them just as before, but in order to not loose myself in the mental fantasies about them the part about re-affirming my commitment to meditation is now made. Whenever I think something is my purpose and get really worked up about it, I always re-gain a moment of clarity when I sit down to meditate and re-discover that my deepest purpose in life is to keep my spiritual practice going. Meditated for 45 min this morning, and the freshness it gives me is really what I need these days. Everything feels so right when I feel this freshness :-) Meditation is really a project of re-generating my own energy from the inside. I'm looking very much forward to write down my thoughts on the meditative process here.

Inner Strength & Outer Neglect 45 min meditation this morning. Very nice and soft concentration today as well. I've been really doing a lot of investigation when it comes to supplements lately, and it seems to help my sleep, my anxiety, my digestion and my tendencies to sensitivity and overstimulation a lot. It is kind of weird that for so many years I've been so dedicated to inner growth like meditation, therapy and psychedelics, but I've completely neglected some important aspects of the outer world. So I've developed quite a strong resiliance when it comes to dealing with poor quality of sleep and problems with my digestion for instance, just observing and accepting it and keeping on pushing through, and gaining energy from my meditation to keep on pushing through. Because of childhood neglect I'm a pretty messy person in many aspects when it comes to the outer world, although I can keep it together well in my job, but my routines in my home is pretty chaotic. So this is my big project these days - to try to fix these problems. And now with the improvements in many aspects of my life thanks to these supplements, I think I'm well on my way to become less messy. It would have been such a great thing if I could fix these things. And taking care of my home and my routines, consistently one small step at a time (when I don't overthink it) gives me great joy.

45 min meditation today. Very beautiful, soft, mellow and focused energy.

45 min meditation today as well. As a difference I did the meditation in the sauna today, with 3 cold baths after approximately every 10 minutes in the sauna. It was pretty nice to be more intentional about meditation in the sauna. Early in the day it is easier to meditate there because the atmosphere is more quiet and less social.

45 min meditation today as well. Very nice concentration. I also did a very intense session of sauna and cold baths yesterday - it helped a lot in processing out a lot of the stuff that was put into motion during last ayahusca retreat.

45 min meditation today. Very nice. No meditation yesterday. Lots of resistance.

45 min meditation today. Skipped meditation on friday and saturday somehow. Today my concentration went very deep. I'm continuing with my experiments with magnesium and melatonin, and it seems to make me very tired and sleep suddenly seems very accessible. For years I've been going on overdrive, having difficulties falling asleep, constantly seeking overstimulation, prone to lighter hypermania, etc, and it seems like maybe I've found a way to finally bring my system to full rest now. Interestingly, thanks to meditation and my other wellness practices I've had quite some resilience in the face of very poor sleep quality, but it was getting increasingly uncomfortable, and it seems like now I'm crashing completely (in a good way), so it is pajamas and wool blankets atmoshpere here at home.

45 min meditation today as well. Very nice and strong concentration. Feels so efficient to use meditation to integrate and land all the processes from last weekend.

45 min meditation today as well. Very tired, but I got through it without falling a sleep, and it was a nice way of settling down more after this busy weekend.

45 min meditation today as well. Yesterday I came home from an ayahuasca retreat that lasted from friday to monday. The ceremonies were on saturday and sunday, but we were a group of 5 friends who had rented a cabin together nearby from friday to monday. The 5 of us made up the kitchen team for this weekend, so it was a very intense and rewarding experience of doing ceremonies, taking responsebility in the kitchen, and staying in this cabin together as a group. I cannot possibly imagine a more full and intense weekend. Fortunately I can rest today and tomorrow before I start working again doing two night shifts from wednesday to thursday, and from thursday to friday. Looking forward to do a lot of integration and landing now, and also to use this afterglow and inspiration to play a lot of guitar.

45 min meditation today as well. Very nice and deep concentration. Finally I've started to look into how I can improve my sleep. Thanks to the night-shifts I'm working, and also being slightly manic easily in the evenings, and being a sensitive person who easily gets overstimulated, and seeks to become high and overstimulated through my creative and intellectual interests to get into a flow state, my sleep has been utterly trash for many many years, but through the surrender and acceptance I've developed through meditation, ice-baths, yoga, etc, I've managed to just ignore it and push on through, but it is actually quite terrible, and these last days I've experimented with magnesium and melatonin supplements, and oh my gosh, I've been sleeping like a baby. It seems like magnesium in particular is really helpful when it comes to overstimulation and sensitivity.

45 min meditation again this morning. Going deeper into concentration again.

45 min meditation today as well. Very rejuvenating 😊🙌

Thank you 😊❤️💫🙌🙌

1 hour meditation this morning. Very nice.

45 min meditation today as well. Very nice and revigorating.

45 min meditation today. Really beautiful. There has been yet another pause in my formal meditation practice, but I do other types of practice, especially devotional singing, but oh my gosh what a strong effect meditation can have. I'm somehow very lazy about my meditation these days, and it is related to the low levels of existential suffering I'm having these days, so I'm not compelled by my suffering to push on for further meditative development, but ideally I should be able to meditate even through this laziness, especially when I see the profound effect it gives me. Why do I want to walk around with a foggy awareness, when I can walk around with a crystal clear one? There are some interesting paradoxes at play here. Do I really need a crystal clear awareness when I can fully accept and embrace a foggy one? But still I seem to suffer less and be more energized when I clear my mind and body through meditation. Aaaah, all these cycles. And then one eventually always return to the perfection of knowing everything is exactly as it is supposed to be and it couldn't have been any other way. But can I abide for longer periods in this clearity, or should I just allow myself to lazily drift in and out of whatever way the nature of experience presents itself? And fundamentally, do I even have a choice one way or the other? Let us see how things develop. I guess I can only try to stay open for the ride.

❤️🙏

45 min meditation today. Centered and powerful energy.

Did an ayahuasca ceremony this weekend. It was really great, but I came down with a cold and spent sunday and monday in bed. Today I was well again in this felt like my big integration day. I played a lot of guitar and sang the hymns, did weigh-lifting, cold shower, two good forest walks, and 30 min yoga and 3 rounds of Wim Hof breathing in the evening.

45 min meditation yesterday, and 45 min meditation today. Very nice and energizing.

45 min meditation today. Very nice. Powerful and deep. Concentration still hasn't established itself fully, but it is on the doorsteps. Lots of process stil that I have to breathe into and ground by focusing on the bodily sensations they create, and thereby counter-acting the tendency to spinn around in the mind.

45 min meditation this morning. Going into deeper concentration again, or the at the least to the entrence of it. Much of the noise in my mind is starting to quiet down, and there is more energy and focus on the object of meditation. On the remaining "noise," I welcome and open up to whatever suffering is there that I'm resistant against - feeling how the sensations manifest in my body, while staying with the breath simoultanously.

8th session of ice-bathing this winter 45 min meditation this morning, and then 3 rounds of Wim Hof breathing and an ice-bath down by the beach when I came home from work. An amazing warm shower after this, ended by a solid cold shower. I'm getting to point where I can just shower in cold water again without thinking about it being cold and me feeling like I have to endure it. The ice-bath was amazing. So empowering. Wow.