Thittato

Also 3 sets of kettlebell snatches, including warm-up, today, now in the evening. Vinyasa flow yoga and kettlebell snatches have turned into my foundational fitness routine that I return to again and again. It feels like a really nice combination.

Saturday: 3 sets of kettlebell snatches. Sunday: 20 min vinyasa flow yoga Monday: Light parkour style stuff in a park with a friend Tuesday(today): 20 min vinyasa flow yoga We have a big and dangerous guy again as a patient in the psychiatric hospital I'm working in, which reminded and inspired me about the necessity of staying fit, so my practice is turning to physical practices again for a while. It feels very right regarding where the combination of meditation and therapy has brought me for this period. I'm continuing therapy, btw, but there will be a little gap between last session and the next one.

4th session of therapy Wednesday. No meditation Thursday: 4th session of therapy. Inner child healing. Projecting a 6-7 year old version of myself into a chair with a pillow in it a few meters in front of me. The therapist has revealed a charge around my inner child that was already active at this point. I describe how I see myself as this 6-7 year old. Sad, insecure, looking down into the floor. Then I pick him up as the pillow and put him on my lap and hug him and tell him that everything is going to be all right. I get tears in my eyes and feel incredibly sad. So I just sit there and hug him. It seems like the sorrow is endless. But at some point he actually starts to feel comforted so he is happy again, I put him back into his chair, he looks happy and he want to run off and play with his friends. Amazing session. Very interesting to work with projections like this, and to see that the images I get up are coloured by deep emotional unfinished states stored in me. Friday (today): 45 min meditation. Deep and mellow concentration.

No meditation friday, saturday, sunday and monday. Today (tuesday): 45 min meditation.

Third session of therapy Tuesday: 45 min meditation and third session of therapy. We did a guided regression journey deep into my first memories of abandonment and being alone in this world. Memories of me being left alone as a baby crying for hours without anybody coming to comfort me came up. I'm not sure if I was being "manipulated" into these memories, or if they are actually true, but at least they became powerful images of early abandonment and some truths about life I could have possibly internalized at these moments. So the point of this regression journey was to catch the moments when these "truths" about life where being made, and to gain full access to these feelings and to understand that now I'm a grown up who has the skills to re-parent myself and offer myself regulation and comfort. So naturally this created quite some waves after this of these feelings hitting me pretty hard, but surprisingly I've been able to surf these waves pretty well. I think I have most likely been able to process out a lot of the charge around this already, but it remains to be seen. Wednesday: 45 min sitting in the feelings from yesterday therapy-session. I had quite some panic about being back into therapy again and thinking that there is going to be a really hard job ahead of me now, but surprisingly these feelings where alleviated quite a lot as the day went by and I was really in a nice state of flow throughout the evening, but feeling more vulnerable and probably emotionally accessible instead of in my normal stubborn defensive persona bubble. Thursday: 45 min meditation. Really deep and flowing concentration. Felt magical and down-to-earth at the same time.

Yesterday: 45 min meditation Today: 1 hour

Yesterday: 45 min of meditation Today: 45 min of meditation. Very nice and deep concentration both days.

Second session of therapy Yesterday: The 45 min of meditation already mentioned, and then second session of therapy. I'm very impressed with this therapist, and I'm very satisfied with this therapeutic work we have already done in only two sessions. Engagement in my job has increased quite a lot. Not only the results from therapy so far, but the sense of safety in knowing I'm in good hands related to my various challenges in life. Since I'm a social worker in a psychiatric hospital I'm working within the therapeutic field myself, and I'm experiencing a lot of the classical dynamics in such a field, even though it is not psychotherapy I'm doing, but still there are a lot of the things like transferrence and counter-transferrence and stuff like that I'm experiencing, so that going to a psychotherapist to clear out a lot of the experiences that can tend to get clogged up inside myself related to this social field I'm operating in - that only makes a lot of sense. Today: 45 min meditation. Very nice and powerful experience.

45 min meditation today as well. Very deep and nice concentration.

No meditation yesterday, just resting after the 4 night shifts. Today: 45 min meditation. Very nice. Super energizing.

Yesterday: 45 min meditation Today: 45 min meditation, and 20 min vinyasa flow yoga. Super-nice. Been working for 4 night-shifts now. The flow has been really good. It helped a lot with that one therapy-session. I'm looking forward to the next one.

45 min meditation today as well. Super-nice :-)

45 min meditation today. Very nice :-)

First therapy-session Aaah. Finally. It was really nice. I had very good chemistry with this woman. I will use therapy as a way to improve my self-esteem while I'm undecided about continuing to stay in this job or not. There is quite some anxiety and self-doubt etc that I can really snowball into when I'm not feeling mastery and when I'm not getting recognition in my job, and since my job changed so much three years ago, I've been really digging myself into this shit. I think I could potentially feel a much greater sense of empowerment in my job if I can turn this negative loop around. Perhaps it would still be a really boring job, but better to leave it with empowerment if I choose to leave. With some engagement in these gestalt therapy-processes it will also be much easier to just see my job and my situation in life as an external mirror for my inner state. It can be really fun to look closer at the social dynamics in my job, and how they trigger me.

Alright, so I've been having it really terrible, but seemingly what happened was that we had a huge influenza-outbreak at my job that was really starting to hit at thursday the 19th, and then, in my manic state after having temporarily conquered my burn-out with meditation, I went on this long cross-country skiing trip on friday the 20th, and I was already frazzled from lack of sleep, burn-out stuff, and some mild cold stuff that has been going on the whole winter which I have never fully recovered from, but by share luck (or unluck) I was finally granted a good night of sleep before this skiing trip, and I pushed my body way too hard, and then when I woke up on Saturday I was totally crushed, and now I've been having the flue since then, and it didn't hit me so hard physically. Some running nose and fever and stuff, but the depression that came along with it hit really, really hard, and of course all these burned-out narratives got really badly mixed into this state. But it does feel like it is depression that comes from a temporary infection. So anyways. Not sure how to proceed with this - but I have finally booked an appointment with a therapist now, and that is way over due. The depression has hit so hard that it has been impossible to meditate, and I have more just been really disgusted by how hard I have to fight myself to keep a flow going by sitting down again and again to meet and breathe with these really, really uncomfortable feelings, but now there is finally some lightness entering so I think I can do a session of meditation. All of this was in many ways a very unfortunate process, but I'm glad it finally pushed me to seek out a therapist again. It is very scary to see how much hubris that can build up when I'm feeling good, and now I'm literary at the point where I'm praying to God for help and guidance.