Eonwe5

Hello everyone, <3 I’m writing this post because for the last month, I have been slipping in and out of full-on panic and crisis mode. This is the most challenging and disorienting time of my entire life. And I have come closer to wanting to just end all my suffering at once than I ever thought would be possible. My hopes are that some of you might give me some pointers, some understanding, some advice, some help, that might help me with a gentle transition out of this phase, into the light again. Because I’m trying my best to choose faith, and to see all of this as a birthing process, rather than the path’s dire end. Even though it feels like that most of the time. There is a bushfire raging in my psyche and burning down my sense of reality and identity, and my guess is that this has been sparked by a very disturbing LSD-Trip three months ago. There, I literally felt that I had to die, that I had to go, that there was no other way, for hours and hours, even long after I should have been sobered again. The symptoms that I’m now experiencing didn’t start right after that trip, because in the two months after it life (and reality) resumed more or less as always. However, I think that it must have something to do with that, but more details on this trip later. I’ll jump right in with describing what I’ve been experiencing over the last month, with the attempt to give you a raw description, without already putting any labels or interpretations on it. I'm not exactly very steeped in the whole non-duality thing, just watched a few videos here and there, and I don't want to throw around with any dangerous half-knowledge Here are some situations that I’ve experienced, clustered into, well, ahem, “problems”: I don’t exist - I’m randomly looking at a photo of mine. I think: “Hmm, so that’s me.” --> “Aaah no, that’s not me, that’s just the surface of my body! But then nobody can actually see ME! Noone can ever really make contact with me! I am forever completely alone!” --> panic - I’m feeling anxious and I’m trying to make contact with my inner child to calm it down, something that I’ve worked with for a few years. In my imagination, I as my adult self say: “I’m there. I’m there. And I won’t go away.”, and try to take it into my arms. à My Inner child screams angrily: “But you don’t exist!! You don’t exist!!” --> I don’t know what to answer to that, because I’ve realized that the image of my adult self is actually just a thought --> panic - I’m playing the guitar, and I enter into a flow state. At some point I realize with happiness: “Wow, everything’s flowing and moving on its own!” --> “Aaaargh, everything is happening on it’s own! I’m not there! I don’t exist! I can’t do anything!” --> panic - I realize that all my thoughts, all the images, everything in my mind is just arising on its own, and that I actually have NO influence whatsoever over it --> “But then I myself cannot speak! I am mute! I can’t do anything!! I’m not there!” --> panic Everything is an Illusion - I’m sitting at the kitchen table, head in my hands. A friend of mine gently rests his arm on my shoulder to console me. --> I realize the image in my mind of him sitting there, my internal representation of him, as being just a thought, and not reality. I realize that the sensation of his arm on my shoulders is just sensory data that is arising in consciousness. I realize that the feeling of comfort and connection that I feel is just fabricated out of these inputs. --> I am getting the feeling of being absolutely, terribly alone, that my friend isn’t actually there, that he exists only in my mind --> panic. - Even when I turn around to look at him, I start to question whether he’s really THERE, or whether I’m just receiving an image, sitting behind a screen, where I’m actually terribly alone. - I sometimes feel like I’m not INSIDE reality, or in contact with it, but that I’m looking out from a place behind the screen of my eyes, like I’m not in real contact with anything that’s happening, that nothing can really reach ME, that I’m trapped in a dark and utterly lonely place forever, looking out at a screen. - I sometimes question whether anything / anyone besides the things I’m directly experiencing right now actually exist. If I remind myself of my friends, if I remind myself of my flat mate being in the room next to me, then those are just thoughts, and images, and the feelings of safety and connection that arise are also just fabrications of my mind that follows the images. --> I feel like no one but me exists, I’m terribly alone Noone can truly love ME - Someone says to me lovingly something like: “Oh Jonas, I love you, man! It’s so nice to spend time with you, you’re so (…)” --> I remember that I haven’t done anything for my good qualities, my humor, my intelligence, my looks, my way of being, that I don’t have free will, that I didn’t contribute anything to that. That nothing of the things that people love me for is really ME. Neither my body, nor my thoughts, nor my actions --> “Aah, but then no one really, truly loves ME, everyone is just loving these surface traits that are not really me, Noone can really see ME, no one can really love ME!” --> “I can never be truly seen, I can never be truly loved”--> Panic Nothing has any meaning - I try to console myself in all my panic and pain, by reminding myself: “Everything here is nothing but thoughts and feelings that are arising, that’s all. I can just watch all of that.” --> a moment of relief --> “Aaah, but if everything is nothing but thoughts and feelings, then where is the problem with people suffering? Then it doesn’t really matter if I help people or not! Then it doesn’t matter to try and increase the good in the world! --> Then nothing matters!! I have to go, I have to die - I spend time talking to a friend, I don’t really feel seen, I don’t really feel connected with him, I feel like I’m constantly projecting an inauthentic persona, I don’t really feel “here” --> a feeling of inescapable doom, of resignation, of hopelessness fills my body, It feels like “It is of no use. There is no other way. I have to go. I have to say goodbye. I have to die.” --> (this is the same feeling that I had at the end of my LSD-Trip) As mentioned above, one important event that might have contributed to this situation was a solo trip on 100mg LSD that I had three months ago. To make a long story rather short: At some point, a few hours into the trip (which started off with me accidentally falling asleep on my couch and being really disoriented and disturbed when waking up), I experienced the voice in my head, or “myself”, as being trapped telling a story to the outside world. When I walked around my room, feeling panic rising in my body, my inner voice would say: “And I was walking around my room, trying not to panic, and I didn’t know what to do.” Once I then noticed that the voice in my head was acting like a podcast guest, it went: “And somehow, all I could do was to act like someone telling a story on a podcast”. When I then noticed that, and was pretty confused, it went: “And it was really confusing, because it just didn’t stop! That voice kept going on and on.” Et cetera et cetera. This went on for hours and hours, during which I desperately tried to “find myself”, to “turn around”, to “make contact with myself” again, but it all was of no use, like a hand trying to grasp itself. Eventually, I ended up in a state of deep resignation. I sat down with my head in my hands, feeling like I was completely utterly alone, like there was nothing I could do. (And all the while my narrator goes: “And I was sitting there, head in my hands, and I really didn’t know what to do.” Aaaahhhh!!). I sunk deeper and deeper into this feeling of hopelessness, of absolute futility, and it felt like there was a part in me that was really upset, saying things like: “Well I’m sorry Jonas, but I really have to say goodbye.” “Something HAS to change.” “This CAN NOT go on like this!” “I have to go!”. When, 8 hours after ingestion, I felt like I was finally coming down a little, I tried to just “walk it out”, I walked up and down my room, counting my breaths, trying to stay afloat. There was no strength left in me to surrender to anything anymore. Eventually, 10 hours after ingestion, I called a friend to just let him keep talking to me, and I felt a little more relaxed. We talked for three hours, but, dear god, this visceral feeling of “I have to go”, “I have to say goodbye”, “there is no other way”, kept coming back up, and was even getting stronger and stronger. It felt like there was a wise, loving, smiling, higher part of me that was gently taking my hand, wanting to lead me away into nowhere, into nothingness, saying “It is time. Come, my dear. We have to go.” My entire body was filled with the feeling that I, or that something in me, HAD to die, HAD to go, and that there was absolutely way around it. It felt like nothing could possibly keep me here in this reality, not even my friend on the phone. Eventually, I hung up with the words “Thank you, but the rest I will have to do alone”. When an hour later, 4 hours after I should have been sobered again, this feeling still persisted, I texted “I love you” to my mother, father, and sister. I wrote a goodbye letter. I looked at my own picture and said goodbye. I was so tired, but I didn’t want to go to bed and fall asleep, because It felt like I would be carried away by the strong, deep, dark current of a river, like I would either wake up the next day permanently crazy, or not wake up at all. Eventually, about 6 hours after I should have been sobered, the feeling subsided a little. I realized “Okay. I think I do not have to die. Let’s just go to bed, and hope that it will all be over tomorrow.” Well then, surprise, and praise the Lord, I did wake up the next morning, and I was not permanently crazy. (At least that’s what I’ve been telling myself). There were still remains of the “I have to go”-feeling, and of panic inside my body, but over the course of the next two days it slowly went away. Now. uring the last two weeks, on two evenings, that feeling returned. I experienced a very similar feeling of inescapable hopelessness, of having to say goodbye to the world, of there being no other possible way than me dying. My body is filled with the feeling of an approaching end, everything feels like “there’s no escape, I have to go, it is of no use”. I have been able to distance myself a little more from the part of me that feels like that, so last time it happened I could kind of just watch it, let it be there, and then just get up and make myself pasta anyway. But still, every moment now is filled with a subtle feeling of despair, and meaninglessness, something like: “I’m drifting away, I’m lost in a bad dream and I can’t wake up, I don’t understand anything, there is nothing to cling to, everything has always been just a bad joke.” Perhaps someone of you can give me a few helpful comments on what I’m experiencing. Maybe a few pointers in the right direction, what I could do, or not do, in order to go through this as peacefully and gently as possible, and avoid any further major breakdowns. (I’ve really had enough of these, thank you Mr. Universe, I’m full!) Like, should I just wait and try to resume with life “as usual? Should I retreat into a mountain cave and meditate? Should I try to "allow" that part of me to die when the feeling comes back again? Is there something else that can help me? I love you, even though I’m not quite sure anymore what that means, Jonas (whoever that is)

Hey there everyone, Just a quick follow-up for anyone who might find themselves in a similar situation: Research lead me to find that what I have been experiencing is depersonalization/derealization disorder. I'm recovering from it, and it doesn't have anything to do with "too many insights", or spiritual matters. This is just the story my mind has created, in a desperate attempt to make sense of what I'm experiencing. There are a lot of helpful channels on YouTube covering the topic, everything I'm experiencing perfectly fits it, and things slowly start to feel normal again. Don't believe in everything your mind says Much love

Hi there my friends, Since I can remember, whenever I do something in front of others that I regard as "skilled", or that I think others might find impressive or "cool", like playing piano or chopping onions real fast (what an example, heh?), I switch into a very self-conscious state of mind where I picture how I must look to others. I stop being involved in the task, and watch myself from the outside. This state of mind also kicks in sometimes when someone is admiring my artworks, or other creative stuff that I've done. I tighten up a bit, and I think of myself as a "superior" person that is being looked up to by others because I'm capable of doing creative stuff or performing tasks that they've never even dreamed of. I don't actively think that thought, it is a subconscious response that comes and goes. This is bothering me, I really don't enjoy being in that state. What steps can I take to get rid of that, and let my attention remain on the thing I'm doing, or just stay "normal" whenever people are admiring some work of mine? Thanks a lot, and have a wonderful day. Jonas

Thank you for your response. Is contemplation and awareness the only way to let go of the need for validation or are there also other ways? I absolutely agree with you, and my rational Mind tells me exactly that, but when these Situations occur, it's like a second me appears that thinks he's better then others. Is that what the "shadow" is about?

Hello there guys, About a month ago I've had a rather stressful time with the flatmates in my shared apartment. Long story short, my three mates decided for various reasons that they didn't want me to continue living with them. I then moved out after a very uncomfortable last month in which I tried to be as invisible as possible, because the three of them were openly displaying their contempt every time I saw them. This last month of living with them was the most stressful time of my life. Every time I entered the flat, I began to feel an enormous stress response in my body, my throat was tightening up, and I felt like living among predators, trying to avoid them as much as I could. It really was no fun living in a small apartment with people that screamed at me that they've had enough of me want me out of here as soon as possible. Even as I'm writing this, I can feel my throat getting tight. Every time I think of one of the three guys, I get a little stress response. Every time one of them sends me a message because a letter arrived for me, I feel a huge adrenalin rush. It feels like I haven't really processed things, and that these stressful events from the past still mess with my feelings. Now my question to anyone who is kind enough to answer, what should I do now? Should I go through all the events again, and get a full rational understanding of what happened and why? Should I meditate on the feelings of the stress response that I get when I think of that time? Should I just wait and let time heal it up? Thank you guys, I hope you have a wonderful day today

Hi guys, I've been substituting my seated meditation sessions for mindfulness exercises on my commute (walking and sitting in train) for a while now. I feel like I'm now making great use of otherwise "unpoductive" time, but I was wondering whether or not I am missing out on something special when leaving out uninterrupted seated meditation. Thanks! <3

Thank you guys for answering @Shin , could you please explain this in more detail? I'm not sure I understand the difference between these two yet. ^^ @tsuki, what exactly do you mean by initial contraction?

Thank you again. It starts making sense for me now

Greetings guys, I have started to turn my daily walk to the train station and back into a mindfulness exercise. I'm not sure whether to call it meditating, it's 15 minutes of me trying to be mindful while walking through my small town. Now the thing I'm not quite sure about, is where to rest my attention upon, and whether or not to switch it back and forth. As far as I understand, there are 5 options available: 1) I keep my attention on the sensation I feel most intensely at this moment (for example, a pain in my back, a loud noise, I'm getting really cold...) 2) I focus on one sensation only, for example my feet touching the ground every step, and nothing else. I try to ALWAYS be mindful of my steps. 3) I focus on one sensation only like in 2), but when a sensation arises that is much more intense, I switch to that instead temporarily. Once it's not so intense anymore I switch back to my "root sensation", my steps. 4) I try to be mindful of every sensation at once, and don't focus on a single one of them. 5) It doesn't really matter, I can pay close attention to any feeling I like. Am I missing something or are these the choices I have? If so, Is one overall better than the other? Do different options have different advantages? Or Is it just a matter of personal preference, and every option is right? I would love to get some insights to this, it's something I always wonder about, also when doing seated meditation. Have a wonderful day guys. <3 Jonas

The details of this are still a little unclear to me... ^^ A lot of meditation guides I have read talk about "always bringing the attention back to the breath". In the next sentence they tell me to feel the weight of my body on the cushion, or to explore the sensation of sitting on my chair. I don't really know how to interpret these instructions, does that mean that, when I feel like it, I shift my attention from my breath to the sensation of sitting, and when I've "had enough", I go back to the breath?

Thanks a lot for your great response! Explains about everything I wanted to know. I will start doing those weekly cycles you wrote about, let's see where this will lead me All the best!

Hi there guys, Over the last year I've been watching and reading more and more about the benefits of investing into an index fund / etf as soon as possible - but now I'm just not sure if I should really be doing it. I'm 21 years old and going to university in Europe. (No student debt.) I mean the logic behind this sounds very convincing: If I invest monthly into a fund that covers more or less the entire global economy (with an average annual yield of 8%) and let it sit and grow for 30 - 40 years, I'll have a big load of cash when I want to retire. So every Dollar I put in now will have multiplied a couple of times by then, depending on how much I put in. Right now I have around 100 - 150$ left every month after paying for food and other essentials, that I could be investing. What is holding me back at the moment is the question, whether these 100$ would not be better spent on travelling or higher quality food. Investing my monthly "leftovers" into an etf would make me much wealthier in the long run, but I'm just not sure whether that's the right path to take. Knowing what the future Me will look like just seems like an impossibility. Maybe I will find a very good use for the money and think "it was more than worth it", or maybe I'll have found a job that lets me achieve financial freedom long before I retire, then I should have better used the money in my 20's for, say, travelling and healthy food... Or maybe I'll die before I every see a penny! I was just wondering if anyone has any thoughts on this, maybe different perspectives on the matter could help me out... Have a wonderful weekend everyone.

Hi there folks, As the title states, I've developed symptoms of a mild depression during the last 4 months, and I think it is getting worse from week to week. I've put it off to write about my problems for quite a while now, but I finally managed to sit down and do it, firstly to get some order into my thoughts and clear up my head, secondly to share it with you and maybe receive some insights and feedback. (Thanks for taking the time) I think that most of my depressive mood comes from my habit of procrastinating. Most days of the week I feel too fatigued and lacking the willpower to start the things I have been planning to do for ages (Planning a trip, starting to paint, reading a book, writing an application letter...). Every time I think about how few of the goals I set myself I actually have achieved, every time I realize that I have let the months go by without actually doing the things I want to do, I feel frustrated, hopeless and depressed. That feeling is getting worse, as I still didn't manage to overcome my procrastination habit. Lately I start not being able to get out of bed in the morning, because I don't want to tackle the daily challenges. I am aware that that's the wrong thing to do, but I just can't make myself to get up... I also started getting thoughts that going to sleep and not waking up again would be pretty convenient... Now, I keep thinking that this is the "night before the dawn", that at some point in the future I will hit rock bottom, in a moment of absolute despair will swear myself to turn my life around, and then I'll have the willpower to change myself. You sometimes read stories of alcohol addicts who keep having relapses, their lives keep getting worse, and then one day when they can't take it anymore they make a desperate wish to change, and after that, their lives get better and better. That scenario is what I keep having in mind when I give in to procrastination, or when I get back into bed after my alarm went off. "I haven't hit rock bottom, I need to experience absolute despair to be able to turn everything around.", Is what I often think. I'm just not sure anymore whether that's what will happen, or if I'll be unable to make the change, and become more and more depressed... I keep using this "I need to hit rock bottom" - story as an excuse to not do anything, the problem is that there actually could be some truth to it, and I don't know for sure what to do. Because it's the most convenient thing to not change anything, I propably will keep procrastinating until I either have hit "rock bottom" or I'm convinced that It is unlikely that I will recover from falling even deeper into depression. Does anyone have any thoughts on this? Thank you for everything guys. Have a wonderful day!

Thank you guys for all your helpful suggestions. I'm still struggling, but It is getting better. Have a wonderful day everyone!

Guys, can I make anything wrong by stacking a whole bunch of traditional plant-based nootropics on top of each other? I consider putting together the following stack: Rhodiola Rosea Bacopa Monnieri Lion's Mane Mushroom Curcumin extract Ashwagandha Is it safe to take these all together? And does it make sense? They all seem to improve very similar aspects (fatigue, brain fog, energy, memory,...)

Hi everyone, this is my first post here. I have been walking on the path of self-development for roughly a year now, and now I find myself in a rut. My main problem is having huge trouble keeping the fire of motivation alive that allows me to go beyond my comfort zone. I spend the last year having periods of 2-7 days of grinding my ass off, working hard on myself and actually doing the stuff that I know I should do, then my motivation slowly fades away and what follows are a week or two of finding excuses, staying in bed a lot, curled up in my sweet warm comfort zone. Then I watch a motivational video that pumps me up, and the cycle starts anew. One example of that is exercising. I have chronic upper back pain and I know that I should do 20 minutes of cardio every day. So, what do I do? I get a flash of motivation, start hitting the treadmill for 4 days in a row, and then, boom, “ I‘m simply too tired today, I can’t find the time, my stomach is full, I’ll take one day off”. I don’t exercise for two weeks, until another shot of motivation hits me and I tell myself for the twentieth time that from now on I will exercise every day, come hell or high water. This also applies to my plan of drawing every day, talking to strangers in the street to improve my social anxiety, meditating, and all sort of other things that require me to use some willpower. I don’t know what to do against it. When motivation kicks in I feel like nothing will stop me from now on till the day I die, and then slowly resistance creeps back in. “well then just don’t give in to the excuses you make up!” - If I consciously try to be aware of the “fakeness” of my excuses I am able to push through them for some time. But eventually I start giving in to them anyway. Then a week later I will look back and realize that I messed up again. I’m not sure whether this could be a biological thing, maybe I have some kind of willpower disorder or something. I have read a lot of books like “ The war of art” that deal with this kind of stuff, and they provide me with a lot of motivation for some time, but then it also goes away. What could I do to make my motivation last longer, and not constantly switch between modes of being either totally out of or totally inside my comfort zone? In the last weeks I have started listening to some “turquoise wisdom” from people like Eckhard Tolle or Mooji, which has lead to further confusion. As far as I understand it (please correct me if I’m wrong) they are saying that you shouldn’t try to find happiness in thinking about a better future, because the present is sufficient and I should appreciate it fully instead of chasing the illusion of “becoming better” – To me this provides some excuse material, because I could just be happy inside my comfort zone and embrace it, because I am enough already. How should I think about that? Any thought on this is more than welcome. I wish you all the best! Jonas