Evelyn

It has happened many times by now... Sometimes I have very good days when I meditate a lot and I am very aware and present. When I go to rest at night sometimes my mind switches off and for some seconds I become pure floating, boundless consciousness, amazing but terrifying. As I drift to sleep I begin having sleep paralysis, weird dreams where I bounce between infinite consciousness and terrible vivid nightmares. Two fears come to life: I am sleeping and someone is entering my house trying to rob/hurt me or some otherworldly being like a demon/alien is trying to posses me/hurt me. They are incredibly vivid and the fear is very intense, such that many times I wake up screaming. I don't have these fears normally, this only happens if I was meditating a lot during day, it feels like my subconscious opens up to reveal hidden fears. In order to sleep peacefully I have to "numb" myself before bed, thinking of all sorts of things, which is frustrating because if I do that I no longer have the beautiful no-mind, no-self, boundless conscious moments. I wonder if anyone experienced something similar or if you have any advice on how to deal with it. Thank you. (I have to mention I grew up in an abusive home, and lived constantly in fear and terror of my father. There was a lot of humiliation, psychological and verbal abuse. I was not sexually or physically abused, but I witnessed that towards my mother. I did several years of psychotherapy and inner self work (around 9 years now) to solve all the issues I had because of my upbringing. I am fine now, I think I got over traumas and eveything, but these fears that surface only in sleep after an intense aware day make me think there is something very deep hidden and I really don't know how to tackle it.)

@winterknight I took a break from practice, but now I am at it again, so I have some questions and would like your advice. When I do the practice and focus on the "I" feeling I still have thoughts jumping around, incoherent and chaotic. It used to bother me a lot and I tried to stop them, but then I realized only the mind is bothered by them, awareness does just fine. The mind trying to get rid of itself is like a snake biting its tail... I am starting to see more and more of its countless tricks but I still fall in them quite easily. Lately I have been realizing I cannot understand awareness with the mind, it's impossible, but it does not let go. I try to focus on the I feeling, or the present moment awareness, but the mind jumps around a lot and is very distracting. Should there be like a gradual quieting or it's just me that isn't making any progress? The moments of clear no thoughts last like 1,2 seconds at the time, then the mind jumps with some random stuff, then refocus and so on. But I am also able to focus on the I feeling or awareness with the mind jumping around. It's a bit noisy, but I can do it, I can keep the awareness while in the background is a crazy party. But I am not sure if this is right, so what should I do? Focus with the noise and all, not giving it any attention, or try to find only silent awareness, I feeling? When I say focus I don't really mean focus intensly, it's more like a relaxing, when I "focus" I remember to relax and be who I am. It's like both a relaxing and a redirecting of attention. Also, I understand all that you say, all that Leo says or similar teachers, I understand more and more and I feel like all I have to do is jump. It's like when you see an illusion and all of a sudden it flips in your mind and you see another thing, it is the same thing, but different. I feel like all I have to do is flip something in me, it feels so close yet I am unable to see it. That is why I feel like thoughts are of no relevance, but I also feel that they hinder me from flipping ;))) Thank you very much for reading and for your patience (Sorry about the window below, I am on my phone and cannot delete it.)

@Matteo No, it does not make you realize that, but it stops the suffering of trying to get enlightened. This trying to achieve it is actually what keeps us from realizing it, I think. Because it implies we are not already what we seek, we look to the future, to something else, instead of just being here and now. Simple being. I think that is enlightenment in a nutshell. I had small glimpses of it when I did basically nothing, just relaxed profoundly. In those moments I also managed to have a still mind somehow . I know now that it's always there, it is basically you, but you keep identifying with the mind, your feelings, etc. and cannot see it. This is my biggest problem too. I have a terrible monkey mind and unconciously identify with my thoughts, feeling, emotions, body, etc. It is not about what you have to do, more about what we have to stop doing. This is what is very hard. When I had those glimpses I felt like enlightenment is the easiest thing you could do, the most simple and obvious. So much so that we cannot see it .

I went through a similar situation. I grew up in a terrible family and had depression very early, but then during college I did several years of psychoanalysis. It really helped and I also learned to do it to myself alone. However, I also got really obsessed with enlightenment and the search, to the point I was getting depressed again... I was suffering so much that I was not going anywhere or doing any progress. Then, the best thing I did was to give up the search. The moment I did, I realized there is nothing you can really find or achieve. The search is futile. You already are what you search every moment of it. Now I just want to be myself. Just be without any restraints. It feels so much liberating than "searching for enlightenment". Searching for it puts such a strain on you, while being yourself, just being is quite simple, you are actually doing it all the time . And I had the insight that that is enlightenment, we just cannot see it with our minds churning in the background...

@winterknight Thank you again for your work here and answers. I think I had an insight and I'd like to share it. Basically I have given up my search for enlightenment, even thought about boxing all my books about the subject. I could not stand it anymore, all the effort, the frustration of not getting any progress, the desire of getting somewhere, the dissatisfaction with my overactive mind etc. I decided to end the suffering because that is what it was for me. I decided to be myself and enjoy life. I also decided that the only thing I would do until the new year is to quiet my mind, but not to achieve enlightemnet, oh no, I even started to hate the notion, I threw it out the window already. I just wanted not get so identified with thoughts and suffer. I also wanted to cultivate more present moment awareness. I decided not even to do self inquiry. It required effort and it began to stress me. Funny thing, I immediately felt the pressure and burden fall off my shoulders. I just sat as I usually did, but I no longer did it to achieve enlightenment. I sort of did it for myself. I even saw it as a game, each time I remembered to be present I sort of chuckled to myself that the ball is in my field and imma run with it as long as I can. Then as time went by I started to let go more of my desires, worries, fears, whatever came, and relaxed more and more into the present moment. I no longer had to achieve anything, do anything, get anywhere, I was just doing it for myself, being myself, enjoying the moment for no reason. I know it's all obvious and might even sound stupid but while doing so, my mind got so relaxed that I realized the core of my being is just that: pure being in a way it cannot be described in words. Just simple being. It's extremely obvious but when the attention is on the mind you sort of cannot see it. Also I understood what surrender is and it's so sweet actually. I will continue on this route, whatever happens, happens...

@winterknight I know this was asked before in various forms, but I am still confused about something. When I do the self inquiry I focus really hard on this I but then after a while my mind just sort of gives up since I have nothing to really focus on. Then the focus automatically shifts to the sensations of my body or the room, there is just an awareness of what is going on at the moment and I relax. Should I continue going back to focusing on the I or just be aware of what is going on. Also I still have thoughts going on most of the time, I try to ignore but I fell it's like a broken TV, going on and on, sucking me in from time to time. What should I do about it? Was it the same for you? Thank you a lot. This topic is amazing .

@winterknight I started yesterday searching for this feeling of "I". I flexed my fingers, watched my breath, walked, looking very closely at who is doing it and who is observing it. I got the feeling no one is doing anything and no one is really observing anything. They happen by themselves and somehow are aware of themselves. There isn't anyone really observing. Is that the point of meditation and quiting the mind? I usually watch my breath, but that is not the point, the point is to realize no one is watching the breath and no one is doing it, it happens by itself? Am I correct in these things!? Thank you. Edit: I got a new insight, I don't know if it's correct. I don't know how to really put it in words. It feels like the thing I am searching it is the thing itself. The reason I cannot see it it is because it is the thing itself. The reason nobody is doing anything or observing anything it is because everything is the thing. I felt like my whole body was alive and being this thing, this consciousness, my feet, hands, body, all was the same consciousness, there wasn't a part telling another what to do since it was all the same. For the moment I cannot get deeper because my mind is translating all this into words as I feel it and I get into thought trains, or I tend to freak out or get excited... -_-...

That in the picture is a tally counter. As I do continual breath awareness, each time I remember to bring my awareness on breath I press the button. I am basically training myself to remember more often. It's my third day using it and I am impressed. Quite impressed. I remember more often than before and keeping track motivates me a lot. It gives something more tangible to the practice. Before there could pass hours or many minutes before remembering, now is almost constantly. I use it almost all day, except when I take a shower, wash hands or cook food. Give it a try! (Yes people started noticing something weird on my hand and I am like uhm oh, nothing... Rapidly hiding or removing the tally )

There is no separation between our bodies and mind and whatever is wrong in ourselves will express as a disease. The fact that we use modern medicine to "cure" us actually stunts our evolution because it does not let us grow and fix our issues. Our disease is a warning sign that we got something wrong. I have an example some days ago I had another sore throat, the tonsils were red, swollen and with white stuff. This illness of mine was recurring quite often, I think I took more than 10 times antibiotics because they would get very bad. I could no longer ignore it and I started to wail and cry from the perspective of tonsils. I had a feeling of liberation and then I realized what had happened to me. I did not accept myself. I could not "swallow" myself. I was also in an inner conflict of always wanting to be myself, to express freely and not accepting and loving myself. I realized this and decided to change. Next day the tonsils were less swollen and red. Now I don't feel them anymore, though I still have some small white dots. Never in my history they went off so easily without a battle with all sorts of medicine and home remedies. I am still thinking about removing them because they cased me so much trouble... Then again they taught me an important lesson... The problem with modern medicine is that it separates the mind from the body and not only that but the body itself. I knew someone with psoriasis and the "doctor" said it has nothing to do with food and the bowels. But it is actually something with the intestines that leech toxins which erupt on skin causing psoriasis. The guy actually cured himself and is able to stay clean only if he avoids certain foods. If he listened to that "doctor" he'd be still sick. I noticed this guy gets easily annoyed and irrigated, and has other issues which might cause his illness... But he does not believe me...

@cetus56 I saw that video, is quite good. BTW I just did another exercise fousing on a vase in front of me. I don't know if this has to do with the eyes focusing too much, but it felt like reality was getting foggy, or purple, or dark and sometimes the edges of things got blurry or they shined in an unnatural way. Also parts of the vase seemed to disappear... I had those visual effects "naturally" during normal breathing meditation where I wouldn't really focus my eyes on anything. Hope is not bad for the eyes... Or my sanity .

@Shin It is weird because it feels so "unnatural", like you are not yourself.. but that is the point . In theory it sounds good, in practice is quite scary. Also, it felt like between this body and everything around it there was no difference. And this is how, ladies and gentlemen, people go insane .

I looked at my fucking hand and got bored and sleepy. I figured it's not for me because I would just look at various parts without being ablen to focus. Then I took the pencil and focused on its tip and things started to get weird. I started to self inquire and got the feeling I was in a dream, everything felt like just in my head, and then I broke myself . I felt disconnected from my body and mind, like I was an awareness above and beyond my head looking at what my body and mind was doing. It felt like "I" was an automated puppet. I did not feel attached to what it was doing. Most weird and awkward feeling ever. It lasted some minutes then I got back to "normal"... I felt so much more comfortable identifying with myself... Heh... ... Oh and yes, I got the shivers and my bladder almost let go from the fear and realization of it . Now I can feel "myself" resisting so much to do this exercise again

@PsiloPutty For some reason, what this user wrote really made me go fully into it. He explained it in a way that resonated with me, in a way that seems easy to follow and achievable. I even bought the key he used and I have to say it is amazing, just as he mentioned. Also started taking ormus. I am yet to try the mushrooms, though I have no idea where to get them in my country .

I've also been on and off since high school and read countless books and watched zillions of videos. I stopped doing that. Now I just sit on the couch and do nothing, being aware of breath, sounds, body, whatever enters my awareness. I saw a video of Sadhguru of why it is so hard to get enlightened: because we are on and off all the time. He said it's like you try to cook something and you switch on the stove and then switch off, on and off, on and off and so on, the the water never boils. Same with enlightenment. Since like 2 months I have been trying to be on all the time, made it my sole priority. I use continual breath awareness as explained by this user: https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/12385-how-i-became-enlightened-fast-and-how-you-can-do-it-to/ It is a very useful tehnique, but you need a lot of determination and will... You can give it a try .

Back then it felt ridiculously simply and easy, in a way I cannot comprehend now. It was as simple as pushing a switch. I think it only happened because my mind was asleep. I think that is the key, the switch is to shut down the mind somehow. In meditation, after a while I feel like dozzing off, perhaps I can use that to trick my mind into falling asleep while awareness is still there...