GaiaGoddess

I was making it through the course very smoothly until now, and i'm at an impasse and don't know if this will affect my ability to proceed. I am on Video #52 where you do the guided meditation to find the trauma that created your fears that are causing your negatively motivated values. My theme of negatively motivated values is stuff like "fear of not growing, fear of not living an actualized life, fear of being tied down by a normal life with a normal job taking up all my time, fear of not having freedom", etc. I don't think these fears are bad and they also weren't caused by any trauma. The guided meditation was a dead end for me, in fact I never had these fears until very recently (and i'm 46 years old). they certainly didn't come from childhood trauma or anything related to my childhood. These fears are a result of finding out about awakening, enlightenment, personal development, etc.which only happened in the last 10 years of my life. Basically I don't want to have a normal job, live in one place my whole life, know the same people my whole life, visit the same places my whole life, and live like everyone else lives. So having a fear of that happening is not a fear I got from any trauma, therefore it doesn't feel right classifying it as a negatively motivated value. So it seems backwards to me to try to get rid of this negatively motivated value, and I dont even know if I can anyway since it's directly related to becoming self actualized.

All I keep coming back to is the fear of not wanting to live a normal boring life like everyone else. My parents both lived lives like this, that could be where it comes from, but I still don't feel right calling that a fear, I just call it learning a lesson in life to live in a way that you are happy with. It's the same reason why all of us are here in Leo's group. So I could ask everyone else in here, why are you motivated to live a self actualized life? The more I think about it, the more it feels positive to me, even though in the course it was almost like we were directed to find negative motivations. I mean when it comes down to it, the reason that anyone does anything in life is to avoid pain of some kind (starvation, homelessness, illness, etc.) We're always striving to avoid negative outcomes no matter what, it's just human nature.

Thanks for your replies!! I am not giving up, of course, and that sounds more accurate anyway, about it being a positive not a negative.

I am in the same boat as you! I am 46 and still didn't know what my passion was! Until tonight. I am taking Leo's "Find your life purpose" course and i just had a breakthrough! I highly recommend you take it. I also want to travel, and need money to do it, but everything I tried wasn't working out. Now after meditating for a while and thinking about a few things he says in his course, my vision is clear now and I know what to do! Good luck and don't give up!

I am running into a strange problem. Ever since starting personal development and actualizing myself, I have noticed that relationships don't work for me. Is this an actual problem that people can have, when they start growing and evolving as a person? I have been on this journey for about 10 years. In that time I have had 2 relationships. In both of them, I don't know how else to word this but I feel like I am too actualized for them. So I end up feeling like I should just be alone because having a boyfriend makes me feel like they can't relate to me so I end up dragging myself down to their level vibrationally and they start to feel like a toxic anchor to me. They have no knowledge or interest in the things I enjoy, they are stuck in the mode of "sitting around smoking weed watching video games and tv" EVERY weekend. My most recent boyfriend was an extreme example of this. That's all he did on weekends and that's all he wanted to do with me. I took him to a few spiritual music festivals that are life-changing for everyone that attends, but not him...he felt uncomfortable and left early and it caused a major rift between us and we ended up breaking up partly because of that. It really hurt me to end that relationship because he said I made him happier than he's ever been, and he was alone and depressed for 5 years before meeting me, all his other exes left him too so I felt guilty leaving him but I just knew it wasn't going to work with us being so different. Even when we were together, I still made plans for festivals and camping, and most of the time ended up going alone. I did more things alone than with him. When I would tell him about a new book I got, he wouldn't even ask me what it was about. When I would tell him I want to eat healthy, he would buy me pizza just so we could eat together. When he would come over and I'd have an educational documentary on, he would sit down and grab the remote and ask if I wanted to watch wrestling or some fictional tv show with a subject matter I couldn't have cared less about. My relationship before this last one was mostly the same way, he just wanted to sit and watch movies and tv shows, and when I would show him my arts and crafts stuff I was working on, he would laugh and not know what to say and it made me feel judged. He did go to music festivals with me but instead of using it as a spiritual experience, he would go just to do drugs and meet new people to do drugs with. I feel like no matter who i'm with, I am pretty much alone. Can anyone relate to this problem? I do want to be in a relationship but it seems like I am never happy in them because I am too "actualized" and end up feeling like they might as well be an alien because they are so different from me. It seems like most men are like this, not just ones I date but also male friends, my brother, etc. I feel like it's going to be a very lonely life for me if I can't find someone who is actually interested in making themselves a better person and has an interest in me making myself a better person.

But isn't that why we are all in this forum? Because we believe in self actualization? I don't want to be with someone who doesn't think they can always improve, especially when they have many bad traits.

No I attract these men because I am willing to love them when no one else will. As I find out, there is a reason for that.

Maybe we do lack self discipline, I suspect that about myself as well. Maybe we are just perfectionistic hedonists, where we need things to be 100% enjoyable before we can do them.

I am 46 years old and unemployed. Over the years (many years), I have taken countless tests, read countless books, paid for countless courses, and have gotten nowhere. I know what my interests are, but the truth is, I am not happy no matter what job I have, no matter what field it's in, no matter anything, I am just not happy unless I am not tied down to a job. I've even tried starting my own thing like websites, blogs, making crafts, I've researched literally hundreds of ideas on how to earn money online or in non-traditional ways. The minute I do anything even if it's one of my hobbies, I lose interest. I am desperate for a life purpose to come to me but for the life of me I can't figure it out no matter what I do. I even saw a therapist and a psychologist about this. They both told me to keep doing what I'm doing, just bounce around from one job to another, because nobody is happy at their jobs anyway. Ugh! I want to be happy all the time, not just on weekends or after I quit yet another job that I hate. So I am asking for those who have taken the course, do you think it would work for someone like me?

Yes!! All of that! I get more excited learning what to do, researching it, and planning to start it, than I do actually doing it. and i don't think it's depression or lazyness that keeps me from enjoying doing things, I think it's exactly what you said in the last part, I don't feel like I have enough time to do and consume everything, so by commiting to something, I am shutting the door on everything else I want to do. This is why i wish i only had one hobby, one interest. I envy those people who eat, sleep and breathe whatever it is they do for a living. There are things in life that are that important to me too, but they aren't jobs, they are feelings I get from enjoying things I love in my free time. And the more i enjoy them, the less I want to think about work because work takes up 1/3 of your time (or more, sometimes) so work takes time away from being able to enjoy life!

That's never been a problem, I can love myself no matter how depressed I am at a job, that is why I quit jobs because I know I'm better than that. But it doesn't make my jobs get any easier.

I am sorry for the confusing quoting stuff happening, I am only responding to you Shin, for some reason it is doubling your response and it added a whole different quote that isn't even part of your post so I had to delete it, this forum is wierd with quotes! Anyway...I feel like I am already living my purpose outside of a job, it's really just the job part I need help with. Maybe I got confused about what the course was about, maybe it's just to find things you enjoy in life. But i don't need help with that, I full well know what my interests, hobbies, values, beliefs, and morals are. I just need to know what I should be doing to earn money.

I could commit to something that felt right to me, it's just that nothing feels right. Everything loses it's joy when it becomes work. I don't think I am meant to commit to anything. I was talking to a psychologist and my regular therapist about this and they both have said I should keep doing what I'm doing and just bounce around to different jobs all the time, only take temporary jobs, part time jobs, seasonal jobs, etc. I would be ok with that except finding a job I like is such a difficult task that I don't want to have to keep repeating it forever.

It isn't an issue of finding things I enjoy, I have TOO many, for that matter. My issue is that I want to enjoy them, not turn them into a job. But my favorite thing in life is not something I can turn into a job, and that's going to music festivals. But i dont want to work at them, a lot of people volunteer to get in for free and that would ruin the whole thing for me. I dont think I need a life purpose exactly, my problem has always been I need to know what job I should do.

Well then I know what my life's purpose is, it's to just enjoy the things i enjoy as much as possible. But that's only 1/3 of your life. 1/3 is sleeping, 1/3 is your free time, and the other 1/3 is working. I don't want to waste 1/3 of my life on something that I am forced to do that I don't enjoy.

Oh yeah I already know I'm a dabbler, actually there are several definitions of it, renaissance person, scanner, multipotentialite, there are several books about this, but we are told it isn't something to overcome, it's something to embrace. They NEVER suggest only mastering one skill or putting all your energy and time into one interest. We don't stop doing things because they frustrate us, we stop doing them so that we can do something else too. We like doing everything we do, we just can't narrow it down to just one thing forever.

This is me, as well!! I have been struggling with what I should do for a job/career for a decade now. When people say "what would you do if money was no object, if you could do anything?" My answer is always "Surf the internet, hang out with friends, go to music festivals, go out to eat, relax on the couch, etc." lol I enjoy my silence and solitude too, I need it almost every day. I also have no passion for solving problems or providing value, I just want to exist. We are human beings not human doings! I hope we can both find a way to make it in this world.

I think someone being a "loser" is subjective. Obviously my ex's daughter doesn't think her dad is a loser, nor does my other ex's mom think her son is a loser. Is there a checklist you can go down and see all the criteria for being a loser? If I were to keep thinking I deserve better than any of the guys I have dated, I would be a 46 year old virgin who never experienced love or learned any of the lessons that relationships teach us or learned basic relating skills. I would be mentally and emotionally messed up from being alone forever. I don't ignore warning signs because i'm afraid of being alone, I weigh the pros and cons of giving them a chance to see if things get better. In every case, why we broke up wasn't even because of one of their warning signs anyway.

.5 to 1%!? I am never going to find even one, ugh , lol Yeah i do meet a lot of guys at festivals, but they are small festivals (a few hundred people) and most of the guys are in a relationship or we are just friends (not attracted to them).

That sounds good, 100% is impossible, i think. So far I've found guys with less than 50% for sure! I hear ya! Most of my life i have struggled with this too. Most of the guys I have liked first never liked me back (enough to be in a relationship), so I've had to choose from guys that persued me, and most of them I didn't like enough either. To me, it's a miracle people are able to get into relationships at all, lol Yes, I have found that my relationships pretty much just offer me companionship and entertainment, although i don't need them for entertainment, I don't even consider myself a fan of being "entertained" per se. I do miss the companionship of just having someone around to do things with, however those things are usually not what I would do ideally. It is sad that we have to keep things to ourselves and be lonely even in a relationship. Now that I'm single, it's a different kind of lonely but I'm glad I found this forum so I don't feel so alone anymore!

Yes, I have found that my relationships pretty much just offer me companionship and entertainment, although i don't need them for entertainment, I don't even consider myself a fan of being "entertained" per se. I do miss the companionship of just having someone around to do things with, however those things are usually not what I would do ideally. It is sad that we have to keep things to ourselves and be lonely even in a relationship. Now that I'm single, it's a different kind of lonely but I'm glad I found this forum so I don't feel so alone anymore!

I dont think it's narcissistic to feel that way! It makes total sense to me. And i'm glad to hear there are guys out there who want that deep connection not just a shallow purely physical relationship. And i hear ya on the being single thing, I didn't have my first date until I was 26 years old! After that boyfriend I was single again for about 15 years. Now they seem to be falling into my lap quicker than I can get over the last one, lol

Thanks for the reassurance and the hope! Funny thing, just yesterday a guy came into my life who appears to be perfect for me and we have lots of things in common including our lifestyles! Crazy how quickly the universe works sometimes!

I am struggling with this same issue. My last 2 relationships were both with men who made me feel like I was light years ahead of them as far as self actualization. I felt lonely as hell in both relationships, lacking a deep connection with either of them. I don't think it's good for a self actualized person to be with someone who has no interest in self actualizing. I felt dragged down by both of them, and feel extra guilty and sad for leaving the last one because he, like your boyfriend, was a good guy. I felt like I was giving up the type of man I'll probably never find again (since I am 46 already), but I just couldn't be with someone who was not on my level.

I have had this issue with my last 2 boyfriends and strongly feel the answer to this question is no!