MikeT

Be a kid NOW! Adults beat the sense of wonder, the creativity and our uniqueness out of us with time.. Get it back and you'll feel even more as a kid now than you felt when you actually were one. My girlfriend just bought some paintbrushes a few days ago. (She never thought she'd be any good at anything cuz parents beat that out of her). Now she thinks painting might be her life purpose and and she paints non-stop after she gets off work. She's become a kid again! Make your life Better every year and you will never miss the past... Why would you miss a time when things were worse?

There is this one thing that's holding me back more than any other in my life. I've been emotionally manipulated by my parents and sister ever since I can remember. They are deep in stage blue in Eastern Europe and I was raised to be the same religious nut, racist, homophobic and hater of all other cultures. But at around 18 I found self-help. . Now I'm 24 and live in UK, and I am somewhere on the road to yellow. Usually everything is great. I ignore most stuff that comes from my family, I focus on my development, I've found my life purpose, I am in a great relationship with a girl who's also going through Leo's videos and am the happiest i've ever been. However I am going back for 1 week to renew my National ID and i seem to be having bad dreams that reflect how much I hate going back there. The main issue is that my parents love me. They suffer whenever they see that I am not like them and so this issue has come. Whenever I am my authenthic self, they suffer and whenever I am wearing a mask to make them feel better, I suffer within because I hate not being myself and being honest. It's completely against my value system. But it's also against my value system to make other people suffer so I can feel good. But I know the correct choice is just to be me and not take the blame for their suffering. At least logically I understand but emotionally I'm still chained. Since little I had to figure out how to live with them without angering them and deal with their emotions. I've felt responsible for how they felt and they knew how to use that against me. Last year, I had a really bad argument with them when they visited me. After that I didn't give a fuck anymore because they annoyed the shit out of me and for once in my life I did not feel guilty for anything. But then my sister begged me to call them and talk to them since they were supposedly both in deep depression, crying and taking anti-depresants all the time. I've tried talking with them but hearing that they might have been wrong in some aspects completely shatters their reality. It's like i'm destroying their world so obviously they turn very defensive. My father even shouted at me to shut up. They're not bad people. I see them as stupid kids scared of the world who are trying their best to survive even if that means hurting others. I guess all in all, I'm failing to cut ties with them because I don't want to hurt them. I've explained it to myself that it's ok since we only talk like once a month, and I visit once a year at most, but I feel myself scared of going out there changing the world not because of other people might think, but of what my parents might think if they see it. Any advice to get my emotional self over this rut? Thanks