Gryner

Title isn't just a clickbate - It's true that I followed Leo advice and ended in mental hospital with psychosis, but it doesn't mean that Leo advice are always bad. I need to take full responsibilty for my actions and I can't blame Leo for that. The reason for this topic is to look for help and to share my story for others. Addicted to games/internet/media since childhood I'm in my early twenties now. When I was like 4yo I got my first playstation and that was the beggining of me diving into virtual world. As a teenager I began to close myself even more and spend more time in front of my PC screen. When I went to University the problem was already huge, whenever I felt bigger stress I was escaping to my smartphone or laptop. Finally, after wasting so much time I decided in 2017 to end my addiction. I was following Leo channel for 2 years now. I watched his video called Overcoming Addiction - The Root Cause Of Every Addiction and I really understood what he told in that episode. I realized that it's due to fear of emptiness that I can't stand. The solution he suggested was: mindfulness meditation do nothing technique strong determination sittings After that I saw Leo reply's for those topics: I decided to put end to my addiction and cause I didn't know how to meditate effectively for 10 day straight I decided to go on the 10 day Vipassana retreat. I didn't had stable meditation habit before my retreat, so I went for hardcore practise without any training before. Vipassana retreat For first four days nothing extraordinary was happening. On the fifth day I was feeling so much love and compassion, I went to my teacher to told him about my experiences and he said that it's completely normal and most people experience it at the end of the course. On the day 6 I went to my teacher at the meditation hall after last meditation (it was strong determination sitting meditation) and I said to him that I arrived on Vipassana due to my internet addiction. He said that we won't talk about it now, cause it's private thing and he said that I need to wait for the next day. After that converstation I was going to my room and I lost control. Very strong emotions hit me and I couldn't control them. I was near the canteen and I saw one of the students there and I decided to be near him during my experience. It was something like purification I was alternately crying and laughing. At the end of this experience I thought that I will pass out and after that I said without my control "it's ok, there's nothing to fear about, just observe". I said this even that I knew the rules, that I can't talk to other students. Immediately after that I went to manager to tell my story, he and teacher calmed me down and I went to my room. On the day 7 I went through two strong determiation sittings. At the 5pm I realized that I could pass out and after that, teacher decided that I should end the course. I went to the motel near Vipassana retreat and I slept maybe there for about two hours. When I woke up it was the beggining of my psychosis episode. Psychosis episode & mental hospital I won't write about my whole psychosis episode cause this post will be too long. Instead I will just write the most weird parts of my psychosis episode: From strong introvertism I was strong extraverth. In the motel after I woke up I was catching up to people and talking. I felt like every they word means something and like I was understanding on the deeper level. One guy told me that he never saw anyone so open in 10 years, but others did not respond so well to my hooks. I was moving in time like I went to next century. I asked my father about the time and he was not able to tell me what the time is. He was checking his watch and he was not able to tell me exact time. I felt during worst parts like I can talk with other conscious people and I was shouting my name and age and something like this "It's my first Vipassana course. I don't want to go further, leave me alone". I was mostly talking that in car with my father (we were going back to my hometown) and sometimes I felt like deeper conciousness was talking through my father and sometimes we were back on the 1st level (normal existence). I was feeling like I had so many open wounds in me, I was extremally sensitive. For example I was fearing electronics items, if I heard ringtone I was fearing it so much. It was probably deeply connected to my internet/media addiction. I was fearing that we play some game and I couldn't go to sleep. I thought that maybe I am still on the Vipassana course and everything that is happening is just a dream, and I will wake up eventually. I was born again - Between day 8 and day 9 (since first day on Vipassana) my girlfrend was sleeping with me and I couldn't move (probably because of fear) and I asked if I can open my eyes. It was extremally dark, but I just managed to do it like new born baby. Probably I was close to experiencing death during my psychosis "trip". I was an alien... and this was the most weird part of whole "trip". On day 9, when I arrived with my parents to hometown, I was talking in english "deeper wisdom", "deeper inteligence" and was talking with high pitched voice to my girlfrend and my mom naming them "feminine" and to my father with lower voice naming him "masculine". The root cause of calling them "masculine" and "feminine" may have been due to converstation with my teacher on day 7 where I told that I can feel masculine and feminine energy inside me. On day 9 my mother, father and girlfrend couldn't reach out to me and calm me. I was feeling like God - I felt so special and it was like I have everything I need inside. I wanted to go outside of my house and just experience life and I wasn't fearing anything. I was talking about drugs like Ayauasca, and I don't remember that part. My mother told me that I said that. In fact I don't remember few more facts like I losed being concious. Everything in me was completely out of my control. I was talking about Leo and I thought like he is one of the strongest force that is pushing me forward in my psychosis. I was misleading people and naming them using internet persona. For example I was learning programming from guy X and I was naming person close to me as X. I was also talking about 5-MeO-DMT, but probably cause I heard that from Leo. Never took any psychodelic to attain enlightenment or for any other reason. Above list is just a collection of a few experiences during my psychosis episode. When I arrived to hospital I don't remember first few days. I landed in solitary room in psychatric hospital, cause my psychosis episode was that strong. Strong ego, psychosis, kundalini syndrome or... what? I spent almost 3 weeks in hospital and it's now almost 2 months after my psychosis episode. I'm still on my psychotropic medications. When I arrived to home from hospital I was really weak, sometimes it was hard for me to get out from bed. I felt like my whole nervous system was devastated, my hormons level were probably out of control. I was and I am still fearing normal, social situations and I have strong irrational fear/tension. I can't live normal life now cause meeting people makes me really stressed out. I went to hairdresser last week and I had panic attack - I had heart palpitations, my hands were sweating and I felt like I will die. I don't know how I will get back on my University cause in October I need to be back in shape for studing. My body and my mind (fear, tension) are not ready for sitting in classes for hours. I don't know exacly what happened to me, but doctors said that it was strong psychosis episode. You guys know much more about energy, kundalini awakening and other things and I beg for advice/help. I wonder how can I recover faster, cause since I left hospital month ago I am sleeping for 10-11 hours and living very basic, simple life - I sit mostly in my house and going for walks once a day. I can't meditate right now, cause I fear to close my eyes and sit still for extended period of time. If you can help me please reply to this thread. If you need more information about my psychosis trip let me know, I can explain each part with more details if that's necessary. @Serotoninluv, @Nahm, @cetus56, @aurum, @Leo Gura

Thank you everyone for replies. I will continue this thread and tell how everything will come out. At the moment hearing about holotropic breathing makes me scared as well as hearing about meditation practise. I'm in the point where every single thing connected with meditation / enlightenment makes me scared. You need to really see how big and shocking experience that was for me. @Nahm was probably right about trauma... in my psychosis trip between first and second day I thought that I died, my whole body was paralized probably due to fear and I felt like new born baby. In hospital I was pushing my bed and I thought that I can pass through the wall, probably cause I remember that I recalled Leo's video about paranormal activites. If I will be able I will make a reply for your messages guys in the coming days. If you can give me any help with faster recovering I would be glad to hear about it.

@Nahm I'm so grateful for such a nurturing, kind reply. Thank you so so much. I contacted course manager, but he advised me to contact main manager and gave me e-mail address. I will send them mail in coming days. My brain scans were 100% ok. They didn't know what was the root cause, they assumed that this could be due to sensory deprivation during the course. They assumed that prolonged mediation, where I had closed eyes and not much incentives could leed to my psychosis. They also assumed that I am really sensitive and that was my reaction. Doctors are not interested in listening to my experiences during the course so I think they won't understand the root cause. I experienced a lot of fears during the course, just to name a few: Our rooms during the course didn't have door lock and I had this irrational fear that somebody might come to my room. I fear insects and I wasn't able to kill them due to Vipassana rules. It was the middle of the summer and course was located in the middle of the forest. You could imagine how stressful this could be to my phobia, where big inscets where flying everywhere. I remember when I was going to toilet I was automatically searching for my phone, cause I normally go with my phone to toilet as a habit. That shows how much I am connected to stimulation and how many fears it compensates. I think that huge inner fear lead to my psychosis and above factors are just a small part of that fear. I've had problematic childhood and many fears since I was very little, but I didn't have access to them. Mostly my problems were interlinked with connection with other human beings. I am very shy and right after the retreat I was very open and I wanted to talk to other people which I mentioned in first post as going from strong introverth to strong extraverth. I was going to one therapist and already I was on 5th sessions, but I am wondering if I should change therapist cause she mostly sits and we are not working on my fears beyond me talking about it. I am thinking about psychodynamic therapy. Have you been taking psychotropic medications? I really have fear of taking them and I also fear that I might have another psychosis episode. I am from Poland.