Ampresus

You should at least give them a try

@Jonac Even if he did I don’t think he would remember

Recently I have had many negative thoughts and it seemed like I was stuck, so I decided to try to laugh more. I started watching what I always liked: cartoons. In particular: Tom & Jerry and Spongebob Squarepants. Now of course, I know, this is not related to any of what is being talked about on this forum. However, in one of Spongebob’s episodes.... Patrick seemed so content with literally doing one simple movement (see pic below). Now that got me thinking: I personally have not been very happy with my present state. I think negatively about most things, don’t find something easily fun and have simply put a hard time enjoying my activities Patrick however clearly is just fine. This must have something to do with that “child-joy” everyone had when they were little. My question: How do I get to be Patrick? (How do I enjoy something so easy so much?)

@Truth Addict ty for your answer and thanks for the compliment

@TheAvatarState Man I’ll watch Spongebob even when I am laying on my deathbed! The show is too genius.

@hamedsf It’s not that man. Alcohol just doesn’t seem practical or beneficial to me. Neither do cigarettes. Just for health reasons man. I struggle with loneliness, and apparently that feeling of loneliness causes the same health damage as one pack of cigarettes per day (or something like that). I want to try cigars though... they seem too cool.

@Psyche_92 Totally worth it my friend

@hamedsf I am too young for alcohol and am actually not planning to start drinking when it’s legal.

@OctagonOctopus thanks for your help man

Tonight is a schoolparty I have been waiting for for a long time. I just finished working out, so I am pretty tired. I have some kind of flow with some girls and have an eye on one specific girl. I just don't know how to approach any of them when we are dancing and the music is killing our ears.

@bejapuskas Probably, but they sure don’t know how to express it.

@Jed Vassallo I thought I made it clear that I can’t “just go to another country”. Let alone knowing which one has the proper substances that raise consciousness. From all I got in this actualizing is that the highest conscious countries are in Stage Green currently.

@bejapuskas Dude that’s the thing! If I were to choose man I would already be in somewhere North-West Canada. Preferably in the forest. Alone, with my own house. I have tried to look up natural places in my neighborhood, but without success. Apparently the nearest one that I could find on the internet is.... far from home.

@bejapuskas I used to meditate 10 minutes every morning, but right now I am on vacation. I don’t want my mother or sister asking me the fuck I am doing every morning (they are dogmatic muslims and I never do prayers). I will start meditating when I am bored at the pool in South-West Turkey (I will be going there in around 2 weeks). I used to do self-inquiry, meditation and concentration practice, but it got way too much. I do have always procrastinated yoga, even though I hear a lot of good stuff about it.

@bejapuskas What is the lie I am telling myself about myself? Probably that I am superior to others who are less aware, that I am better than those who literally get eaten up by simple advertisements and junk food. That I am way ahead with my intelligence compared to others and that I know a lot.

@bejapuskas Not gonna lie, during my orgasms I feel great. It is just that, because of Leo making me so aware, I always feel bad afterwards. I have taken many “small” breaks man. I have gone out to the park nearby, sat on a chair and watched deers for 2 hours. I went to the city centre, tried to hit on girls, failed, went to the central station and sat there for 1.5 hours. I have taken many hour-breaks in my room and balcony. I sometimes go to fun movies alone. All these breaks end up in the same way: I realize I have nothing to do, I don’t know what to do, I know I don’t have friends to call, I am done with internet, I cannot move to Canada, I am sad, I cry. @bejapuskas It doesn’t help thinking others feel the same when I don’t know who they are let alone approach them randomly about something so deep. And what the hell can I do with the info that others have it worse? Am I supposed to forget the gaping hole in my chest now? Am I supposed to stop crying cause others have it worse? It doesn’t do shit.

@Jed Vassallo I can’t just pack my bags and move to another country dude. Until my eighteenth I am, according to Dutch laws, fully dependent and basically property of my parents. Sure actualized.org is fun and games. I already tried many practices of course, but if they actually did something I wouldn’t be here right now.

@Natasha I already watched that video 2 times.

Since I started my journey here, I see everything as a distraction. Gaming, watching videos/Netflix, socializing, going to the cinema, chatting online. I have a hard time sleeping knowing how much time I wasted. My porn addiction was close to gone. Keywords: WAS & CLOSE I think socializing is like a competition, where without grabbing the centre of attention you are doing absolutely nothing. Listening to people’s stories, I always have this thought in the back of my mind that I don’t care about it. I am a boring person, I can see it in other people’s eyes during the awkward silences. I seek social comfort in online communities, because the amount of times I have tried it IRL turned out too unworthy. Oh and I have little success online. I sometimes wish I was flying in space, away from earth without any stress. I can’t stop but look from the perspective that all teen boys and girls have loads of socializing fun and relationships, while me here just doesn’t have it. At the same time I look down on these teens, knowing their whole mind hasn’t opened a bit to the universe. It hasn’t expanded farther than their school and favorite beauty bloggers. I am lonely and it is actually killing me. I have had several suicidal thoughts and moments AND DONT KNOW HOW TO FIX IT. I cry a lot before I sleep.

Honestly just don’t give a shit man. Shit happens to me sometimes too and the more you care less, the more they stop. Saying stuff like “mind your own business” is ofc good and if it really gets to you make sure to say something about it. Am warning you though: reacting in ANY way means they got what they wanted (your attention). That’s why I recommend not giving a shit.

15-07-19 I have been gone for too long, I have noticed. Meditation is going well. I am doing 10 minute-morning meditations every single day. I hope it is working. I am trying to quit porn again (this will be the fourth day without it). Many impulses and temptations have approached me, but I have slain them all so far. Abraham Lincoln's story is really interesting. I am definitely enjoying his biography. My biggest obstacles are: porn, gaming, not socializing, not having a hobby, spending too much time in my mancave and not trying yoga.

Alright let's start very easily with this. This journal will be about my life, in many different fields. I will talk about everything that is in my mind and won't leave. I will talk about people who inspire me, or just their quotes. I will talk about my way in becoming a succesful man. I hope this journal will make ''planning for my future'' easier. Since I joined this forum, I noticed that a lot of mature people struggle with things I couldn't come up with myself. You guys have low self-esteem? There are actually people who are in depth with spirituality? There are people who share actual knowledge without misleading me? You mature people keep suprising me, but without further ado let me start with a generalization of my life. My Life Oh wauw what a suprise. The journal is about my life. I am a 14 year old boy who is new to self-actualization. Before all of this, I used to game a lot. I did a lot of unneccesary things in general which I only later discovered. I despised books, didn't understand why someone would read those if all the information in the world is already on the internet. Gaming got replaced with books after this forum happened to me. Gaming already got boring, I only did it because I was bored. Which doesn't make sense now I think about it. I got introduced to actualized.org with deep spiritual video's, so I needed to take a step back and watch some of his older video's. After laughing for 10 mins about Leo looking like a balloon in his enlightenment stream, I finally understood how his channel became from ''all about succes in life'' to ''non-duality, spirituality etc.''. I don't know what the first word means, but that is fine for now. I used to be a Muslim. I prayed 5 times a day and kept myself from doing sins (not always I admit). Since watching Leo's vids, I basically dropped all those beliefs. Now I meditate instead of pray, read self-help books instead of gaming/Quran and focus on myself and my values (oh btw the Quran is so difficult to read jesus christ). I don't let myself get lead by a force I can't question. My mother and father are still heavily Blue same with my sister, but there is another person which I would like you to meet: My brother. He has classic autism. He doesn't understand a single thing about Islam, or the world. He needs to laugh if we force him to do prayers with us. Don't worry, he gets taken care very good. My parents really love him and so do I. Looking at him, I always wondered what it would be like to live without forces. Without how anyone tells you how to be. He doesn't follow up rules from a book. If he wants to, he can rage or smile. Be angry or extremely sensitive. He still inspires me and I am planning for making him my teacher for spirituality. After posting a topic about him, someone suggested I should try to look the world from his perspective. That's what I have recently been doing and I must say, it is pretty funny. I am about to start reading ''Mastery'' by George Leonards. As I said, I am new. I only have read 2 books about self-help, where in the second book many words were difficult. How can someone use words like self-assertiveness, integrity and self-acceptance? Who even made all those words up? I still don't understand some important knowledge, but I guess that's fine. I wonder how difficult ''Mastery'' is. As a last note, the story about Rasputin is in my head. Mostly because of the song. I wonder if gaining power with manipulative love is actually possible.

I realize that I started this path all wrong. Instead of starting with fixing my life, I started with chasing enlightenment. Therefore I will change my way of living from the fundamentals first. Meaning I will focus on all the points Leo mentioned in the following video: As you can see, the video isn't that new or anything. In fact, the video is all the way from 2014! Haha! Yes I will be starting from here. This is why I have the following question: Are Leo's older videos still valuable for someone who wants to start at the basics? When you look up certain older topics, you can see that Leo has made several videos on those topics in the past time. One in 2014, one in 2016 etc. I was wondering if his oldest videos still can be valuable or if I should start around 2016. Thanks in advance.

You can skip the entirity of my backstory and head straight to the bold questions down below if you aren't interested in where I am coming from. This topic is something I think all of us are familiar with. That moment during meditation where your legs start screaming, your back starts yelling and stress levels are rising. At least for me that has happened quite often back when I meditated 40 minutes a day. At some point I couldn't handle the stress any longer and quit for a long time. Now I am back on it. Specifically: I am meditating for 10 minutes every morning sitting straight on my bed. The thing is that my legs start screaming around 7 minutes. When I tried to meditate again for the first time I recalled how much I hated this. The pain makes ''looking at your thoughts'' so much harder. Now I do have a solution for this: sitting on a cushon. To be more exact sitting with your ass on the cushon. My legs still touch the ground. This is perfect for me, but I recall Leo saying something like: ''You know sitting on you cozy cushon for 10 minutes a day won't do much right? Why do you think all those Zen guru's are sitting on rocks? Because of the suffering!'' Not exactly what he said, but something close to it. Now my questions are: Is using a cushon to meditate a yes or no? Will 10 minutes every morning make much difference? Hey Leo! I remember that you used a lot of cushions to meditate on during one of those solo meditation retreats! Does it only count when you meditate all day?

05-07-19 I am almost consistently meditating 10 minutes every morning and reading is getting more and more exciting. I think I am starting to move forward again. Although I will post a topic about if suffering with meditation is a good or bad thing. More on that in the Meditation sub-forum. Still watching porn unfortunately... oh and the test week ended. I am planning to do shamanic breathing on my favourite song: Droopy likes your Face. That is gonna be a fun ride.