digitalkaine

Hope everyone having a good Sunday. I had a really rough last week but I feel really good today. Everythings going to be allllll rightttt. I been getting into Smooth Jazz lately hope y'all enjoy this.

It's so lame to have this type of attidude and act like somehow you're not being pussy. It's totally acceptable to just not like the way things are on this forum and have whatever type of attitude he has, but obviously if its not welcome here I would just leave and go somewhere else. Not make a big ass scene under the guise of somehow being "Manlier" or whatever. Thats soft as hell to be honest lol. Just relieve yourself of your duties and move on to somewhere else that fits your worldview or make your own forum. To me its more weak to just waste any time or energy crashing out in any capacity. If I don't fuck with the energy in a situation I address it head on and try to find solutions or understanding, and if we cant come to an understanding then I just move on as fast as possible. I don't have the time or energy to sit and just argue with people for not seeing the world how I want it to be seen. It's not even personal either its just more about what type of space do you wan't for your life. Obviously there is other people who resonate with your ideas why just make a ass of yourself when its other places that will accept you despite your beliefs. Not saying people shouldn't feel welcomed here but the whole power aspect of this thing is kinda sending me. I'm not even saying I can't relate with bro either but I would just have more respect for myself in this situation and I'm trying to put that as lightly as possible. Feel like theres more power in just being humble and assertive.

I've been watching Actualized since 2014 before then I didnt even know what self help was. I just always had the attitude that I knew everything and I was special. In alot of ways I really was special I was like nobody else but I constructed an identity that was very contrarian so it just happened naturally mainstream stuff made me sick. I ended up working at Wells Fargo in my early twenties and I felt myself being forced to be a people pleaser type so I searched "How to not care what people think." I found Leos video which ironically has the most views to this day I believe. From there I was sent into self development and learned basically anything on Actaulized along with anything referred by Leo. I had already done alot of psychedlics, I wasn't like a psychonaut or anything but for some reason using psychs and praciting things I learned on Actualized never really crossed paths. My whole point of writing this is just because I've been going back through alot of the old videos here and there and then also comparing them with other videos and content I've seen online and to me it's just the best. It didn't make me richer or healthier or happier by any means really to be honest as much as I wanted it to it just never did, and I'm not blaming the content I think the root of all my issues stemming around any conceptual problems are mostly due to my beliefs. Ironically the things that made me see the most results were LOA shit. I manifested a high paying job by believing that I am all realities including ones where I am no longer poor. I manifested a different living situation by believing I was somewhere else. My life has gotten dramatically better within the past year externally. My main issue now is I'm lonely and always desepreately looking for women to connect with and be with or try to have sex with which sucks because prior to like 2018 I've never had that problem and i've always been with alot of women but I'm sure my last relationship really fucked up the way I view dating along with maybe just the way the culture is at the moment. The most success I seen recently was by doing obnoxious amounts of LOA shit I started to see alot of girls between like feb-april but I feel like it costed me like time, money, etc. Not to mention I lost alot of followers on social media probably just by being annoying/ unhinged so in essence fucked with my business as well. It just drove me to the point where I put down the LOA shit and just went back through Leos old videos. I started to relearn about my ego and how attached I was to all this bull shit that didn't really mean anything. I started meditating more and just doing my best to stop identifying with my body and mind and just realizing how most of my issues are illusory. I'm not ignorning anything I have going on my life I still am balancing all these things but I just feel different about it. I'm not saying Actualized is perfect either but when I compare it to other stuff it just makes the most sense. Its very clear and straight to the point. It's engaging and inspiring as well as deep and impactful. It just always blows my mind that there are no other content creators in this field that are as good I guess so I am highly appreciative.

Lol

I found the thread I was refferring to maybe I painted it in a worse light then I had originally imagined. I think I kind of have a better understanding of what was being said. I owe it to this forum for me being able to dramatically make changes in my life. LOA stuff has really dramatically changed my life as well. Actualized helped me understand reality and myself and my emotions. I take it all with a grain of salt but really if I didn't reach out to this forum a year ago when I was really at my worse I dont things would have ever changed so I'm extremely greatful for this community. but I do have a better understanding of what the core is. I guess my whole issue was just seeing radical changes but also feeling the same. The whole reason I wrote this post was because last september after reaching out on this forum a member sent an LOA channel and it was talking about how we are all realities and universes. I had no money but I just continuously told myself I had money and a job I loved I imagined it until I just felt as if it was true. I genuinely felt as if I was any reality I wanted to be just because I believe we are god and to me god is just everything including anything I can imagine. So why wouldnt I be all universes and realities and whatever one I concieve and chose to be in is what I am. Even my dad was trying to project onto me the fact that I was broke. He was trying his hardest to help me but everything he said was just what he had percieved and was percieving at that moment but it didnt feel real to me. I just felt like I had a job and I was able to support myself and that was how it always was and been. Within a week of talking to this forum I applied for a graphic design position on craigslist with no type of degree and got it and I havent been poor since. I also manifested all kinds of other shit since then things are just great 90% of the time. I've been at this place since October but recently they gave me more responsibities. I want to be a good employee but naturally I'm very rebellious and also kind of messy. I made some pretty expensive mistakes and it bothered me which made me start to think that maybe thats kind of who I am. And then it made me think of that post I had read which is why I came here and wrote this.

I can't remember where I read it, but a user was talking about him making changes in his life it was very surface level stuff but I just remember Leo responding by saying "The core of who you are never changes." Reading that really bothered me for sometime now and I'll just be as open as possible I cant determine whether or not it is true and if it benefits me to believe it at all. I was down really bad about a year ago and was constantly posting on the forum asking for life advice because I couldn't break out of the cycles I was in. I got heavily into LOA stuff Joe Dispenza manifesting shit etc. I inquired about manifesting on this forum to which Leo said "once you realize Albert Einstein is imaginary then lets talk about spirituality." which was great to hear once I started to wrap my mind around it. But this one user had told me that the way I'm talking to myself and the language I'm using is the reason why nothing was changing. My beliefs were that nothing was happening and so there for nothing was happening pretty basic stuff. The she put me onto a youtube channel called "Be Something Wonderful." ever since then my life has got drastically better. I went from having no job being poor on the verge of su*cide to finding a career making so much money, meeting so many people, moving out of my house getting my whole life in order basically and I feel like I have to attribute what continuously happens to that channel and this forum. I still struggle however with things and while I still "manifest" I cant come to grips with what Leo meant when he said the core of you never changes. Just because I felt like i've changed. But also I do feel as if there is some truth to that statement, that I dont want to believe in because I desperately want to change for the better. I cant tell if thats really true or if maybe Leo may have been projecting his own limiting beliefs which is fine but its just nice to hear other peoples opinions. I love this place and I'm in a way better place mentally but there are more strides I would like to take in my life. I believe its all already mine right now but then just reality just kind of sets in here and there every once in a while. I would like to believe I can make whatever changes I want and be whoever I want to be. This doesn't mean that I'm not content with who I am. Its cool if I am just this forever and I know that is the case but I also believe that anything is possible and change is inevitable.

Appreciate it. I guess I also get wrapped up in the LOA stuff. Because it feels very real to me but again I also am always skeptical. I just attribute alot of my success recently to "manifesting" spaces and just like really believing I am whatever it is I want to be no matter what. But I also dont want to be delusional and thats how it feels sometimes even though I've seen dramatic changes. Even though I see those changes I still see lingering limiting beliefs and aspects of "who I really am" that seep through. Maybe one day it wont be that way but I do struggle with it when I wish not to. I wish to just be able to believe I am whoever I want to be and move forward with that and not buying into old limiting beliefs or thought patterns that hold me back.

Okay thank you. I wasn't trying to make it into something it was not but again it just stuck with me. I'm just very skeptical I suppose but I want to make changes that would benefit me in my life. Sometimes I feel like a pulling back sensation but I believe I have the power to overcome it so hearing that helps in some sense, appreciate you.

I'm going to see if I can locate it. It was very disheartening to read to be honest but again there may be some truth to what he was saying or maybe some context I missed but I dont remember exactly I just know I read it and it wasnt in reference to grifting. At the end of the day it probably doesnt even matter so long as I believe I can change whatever I want about myself that should be all that matters.

I appreciate you not wanting to gaslight me but, he did def say that on this forum. I wish I could remember exactly where it was but It stuck with me. I even tried to search "Core of what you are." "Changes" etc. I just cant find it but I didn't look to much into it. I also remember the user being bothered by what Leo said and basically kind of saying the same thing I'm saying right now. As for what you said though I think its super valid and I appreciate your response. I do believe I can make complete changes in my being but its just nice to hear it from other people I guess esp on this forum.

Yes. Sorry for not being clear. I've made alot of changes within the past year however, I still feel as if there is truth to what Leo said about how "the core of you never changes." I do not want to believe that. I would like to think I could change the core of who I am and be whatever I want to be. I know this stuff is kind of relative, maybe there are people who change the core of who they are and others that don't. Does it benefit me to take this as truth? or would it be delusional to assume that I could change the core of my being. Mostly because again I watch alot of LOA stuff that is about just assuming whatever Identity you want and again I've made so many changes However I still feel as if there is truth to what Leo said and there is aspects of myself that will never change no matter what I do. I just dont know if it benefits me to believe that.

I recently got sober and was at a bar with these 2 girls on saturday. They were trying to force me to drink and smoke over and over again. This one girl tried to do airplane her vape into my mouth like I was toddler lol. I honestly cant stand being at bars sober but who cares just keep drinking your water its only as weird as you make it.

The way she breaks it down actually makes alot of sense. I've really been into manifestation and law of attraction for the past year especially. I seen some results and breakthroughs but alot of stuff has gone downhill for me so it makes me believe in less and less. The way she describes it in this video however makes it a little more concrete I just dont know how valid all this stuff is. Sometimes I feel like Im wasting my time just sitting there visualizing a better life for myself at times because nothing really seems to change. In fact things probably got worse lmao...

Beautifuly put, almost brought a tear to my eye to be honest. Im just so skeptical it makes it hard for me to have unwaivering belief sometimes. I go out of my way to look up how things like LOA might be a scam even though I believe in it so much. Or I'll watch videos that debunk things that I learned on actualized, or just try to find some way to debunk things that ressonate with me and it really kind of feels as if my descernment has been corrupted at times. I think I do bite off more then I can chew when it comes to the attraction stuff. I do believe I am God and I know subconsciously/consciously/unconsciously I have created this reality I live in. I like the way you put things and I'm struggling to say I will get back to that unwaivering faith I have for myself but I will make it truth, thank you.

It was easier to understand death and everything else as just a figment of my imagination before I got sick. Death became very real after that with the things I've been experiencing for the past couple years. It's became easier to cope however. My ego wants to find a way to squirm out of this stuff so bad and any questions I have I pretty much know how you're going to answer them. Understanding Albert Einstein is imaginary benefits me as much as it doesnt. Meanwhile I have to eat, I have bills to pay, I actually would like to have experiences with my family and also please the shallow aspects of my ego. Understanding that nothing is real leaves me with nothing but the present moment which is fine, but then it wont be long before reality sets in again. In writing this I've narrowed it down to just that. If everything down to my ego is imaginary what aspect of what I am actually understands that? Because I can sit here and understand that my ego is a figment of my imagination, but it's my ego that wants to use that information for selfish gain. Am I simply just imagining that the ego wants to do that? If I'm just imagining my ego will use any information for selfish gain, can I simply just imagine that it won't anymore? Am I just imagining the nature of what the ego actually is? It just feels like whatever I learn is going to be used to just cope and escape. I've noticed this with self help stuff lately, its like learning things is nothing more than a hit of dopamine at this point. Even in understanding that dopamine and my brain is imaginary my ego seems to get off on it rather than actually understand it. But again am I just imagining that my mind is doing that? am I imagining dopamine spikes? I'm imagining you and this conversation, but again my ego just wants to use this to better my physical 3D life somehow. I'm just imagining that my life can get better or worse at all though. I'm just imagining that people rely on me. I'm imagining that understanding that everything isn't real will somehow bring me peace. But even then peace is imaginary. I dont know where it leaves me, but even the notion of being anywhere is just a figment of my imagination. If anything I'm just left with a lifetime full of questions that I honestly do not have the time or resources to answer at the moment, but I think they are very important so I suppose I dont have a choice.

yeah I think being stuck in stage orange kind of fucked alot of things up in my life. As an artist I think my business thrives more when I have a holistic worldview. I can see how just wanting to capitalize off of comission drove me into a really dark place. I get less work I started getting less people hitting me up for art because of my attitude and the way I project and then the art suffered greatly because I was doing it all for money.

this really kind of bothered me at first when i first read it. But after the past week or so it kind of stuck in my head and the more and more I kind of just acccepted it the better I feel in some ways. I feel less neurotic about all these changes I was trying to make and the way I was trying to improve and it seems like it kind of freed up alot of space in my mind to actually focus on things that are more important.

lol this shit is so toxic, maybe we can all luv each other instead

oh god i seen this video a week ago couldnt even make it halfway through. Idk if i would say that without porn this guy wouldnt exist I feel like ppl like this have existed throughout history. I still dont think porn is like healthy by any means but I'm struggling to understand why that is the case to be honest. All I know is typically when I meet someone who advocates for porn I dont usually kind of dont agree with their worldview and kind of just think they're coping. I really try to understand why I'm kind of repulsed by porn stars, people like Adam22, etc. and other people who are considered to live the degenerate lifestyle. I do lean towards more the opposite view at this point but If im completely honest I feel like there may be some kind of hinderance in my psychology just by being so neurotic about consuming porn and while agree with alot of nofap people I also think that its just not healthy to be so anti anything. I know alot of ppl would say like balance is important but idk I just know being so judgemental about it isnt really benefiting anyone.

I do cover art for musicians <3 I wanna get into fine art and fashion though

if you want to help people you can teach me how to make money because im utterly broke lol.

Yesterday I had a very odd experience when driving home from my friends house. I felt like an overwhelming sense of power the best way I can describe it would be as if my higher self was slapping the shit out of me and waking me up. I dont know where to go from here anymore. I've meditated alot. I'm broke and alone. I dont even know if I really want money or a girlfriend anymore. I've had alot of sex in my life. Yesterday during this experience I just felt like this insane amount of energy, I did nofap/porn for like a month and half along with quitting drugs. Then I went back 2 fapping w/o porn then I finally watched prawn like 2 days ago. But stopped fapping again and prob wont watch it for however long. I still have sex sometimes. I feel like maybe the fact that I didnt fap gave me all this energy but I dont know what it was really. I think I might be crazy or losing my mind. Yesterday when I was meditating, I just kept envisioning like a higher self version of myself just beating the shit out of me and forcing me to focus on things that would make my life better. I had so much energy and then today I envisioned the same thing and conjured up that same enrgy for some reason it feels good I dont know why. The thought of a better version of myself sitting there and beating myself up and just being my own master/sensei made me feel stronger and focused and like I wanted to make better decisions and stop fumbling around. The more and more I kept doing it the more I realized that this is basically what edward nortons character experiences in fight club except hes not conscious of it. I started to watch alot of fight club content after that realization and tried to understand what it was about because I relate to it I guess. I keep having this internal battle. I dont want to blame Actualized because I actually love the content but in all honesty it doesnt feel like me. I hear so many people who are probably more unconscious say "I miss the old toxic you." Sometimes I miss that person too. I actually used to really be like tyler durden as cringe as that may be, that was like that was my natural state growing up and in my early 20s then the corporate world kinda swallowed me and ironically I found Actualized by searching how to not care what others think of you. I'm just writing this because I feel this urge to revert back to how I used to be and I can feel it very deep inside of me. I just dont want to be "toxic masculine." but I have this urge to project egoic masculine energy in my art or in certain aspects of my life. I meditate alot and I'm very aware of my feelings but Its been a while since I've been at peace. I think one of the biggest reasons why may be because of my health and financial situation. When all my bills were paid I didnt even have to meditate to actually be at peace and all loving the only thing was during that time I had little to no romantic relationships, idk what it was but like being even i guess semi enlightened was not good for me dating wise I feel like I came off really weird to alot of ppl. I feel like I'm at a point I could easily get a girlfriend which I do want like instictually but I would just hate to waste someones time while being as broke as I am. The thing is I think I have a decent opporitnuty as a felon to make money if I do kind of embody this "self destruction" type mindset and just push through with my art. I came up with a plan that actually may work but I'll just be honest, being all in tune with my feelings and shit is not helping me with focusing on my art while I have little to no money every day. I felt alive yesterday and today when that energy came about and I just want to channel it into completing art. I just feel as if majority people would consider it unhealthy. I also practiced alot of letting go this past week and I let go of alot of shit I kind of stood firm on. I feel alot better because of it. I just get really confused sometimes because people make it seem like all this shit is so wrong, but its not like I want to hurt anyone or even bother anyone but I feel like just by embodying certain things that I'm not allowed to simply exist with that energy. Like I do like the feeling of being dominant and just taking things over and wanting to have control over things and having power, as well as being able to express myself freely, but its not like I want to hurt anyone or judge people or put anyone below me. I would like to have all that stuff to help people and lift people up thats kind of my goal with my art. I love expressing myself but I've always been kind of a leader in alot of aspects alot of people listened to me growing up and for some reason I just feel like the art is just a vehicle to spread a message. And im not like trying to push anything political or in your face or tell people how to live but I just want my art to just make people more conscious I guess or just see things differently or feel things they might have not experienced before.

I have alot of friends that are girls while also not having a girlfriend of my own. I do have some romantic relationships from time to time but nothing ever serious lately. I'm just writing this because I had 3 seperate conversations today with 3 different girls that were all similar and I like I dont want to be an asshole or rude but Idk why they all do and say the same shit. The first girl is my ex whos been with her new boyfriend for like over a year now and their whole relationship is a mess. Today she comes into my room and starts telling me about how she found text messages between him and some girl about how he wanted to give her a massage and then she contfronted him about it and then he broke his ipad over leg and had to go to the hospital for it because he cut his arm. This type of shit happens like weekly and then she just tells me how she talks to other dudes and even asked me if I wanted to hook up with her soon and I just said no. She then started talking about how she felt powerful because she was talking to her boyfriends cousin (while saying this shes getting ready to go hang out with her BF because he threw a fit and wanted to come pick her up). I'm just like how do you feel powerful if you just do whatever he says all the time? She kept going on and im like dude I really dont want to talk about this. She knows I hate hearing about toxic relationship shit so she was like "alright I'll shut up." Not in an angry way but she just knows that im not interested in that stuff. The second girl is my friend who like without my consent basically just starts telling me about this dude shes dating and how like he wont let her break up with him, and I'm just like what the fuck does that even mean? like how does someone not let you break up with them. and then she goes on about how he just shows up to her house and like demands she sees him and then she does it and then like last time she cornered her in her room and was yelling at her. and the whole time I'm like trying to be her friend because it sounds like its abusive but I just dont understand like how it even gets to that point if you dont want to be with him to begin with. Dont get me wrong I got my own problems for sure which is probably why I'm single but when I hear shit like this I'm like wtf. I get being in love and shit but like I really dont understand how you just continuously chose to just do things like that knowing the outcome and then like complaining about it constantly. And then I'm not going to lie it almost makes me feel like I'm in the wrong for like not being insecure or something, but maybe I'm just around the wrong type of people? I really hope everyone is not like this but this is all I see most of the time. Like these dudes get all insecure because they're dating hot girls and then it becomes abusive and the girls act like its such a huge problem but continue to stay thinking they can fix them or something and its just like why even waste your time doing that. truthfully I really dont care if my SO gets attention from men as long as shes like not being blatently disrespectful then I wouldnt give a shit at all, and even if something was to occur where she did do something behind my back I would just leave. I wouldnt like hate her or disrespect her or be petty back, like I understand we're human she doesnt owe me anything and I'm really just usually appreciateive of any time spent but like I dont have to deal with that. It just seems like everybody has an attraction to being in toxic relationships and its just kind of annoying in all honesty. Everyone talks about how they wanna be with someone who is fine with or without them but they continuously chose people who are willing to crash out if they dont get what they want. I'm really not trying to act like i'm the most secure person on the planet either, I have insecurities for sure but I'd really rather do anything then just be in a toxic realtionship where I'm like doing all this stuff that isn't me just for someone to love me.

Thats what I've been thinking too. Seems like hes maturing and giving genuine advice.