digitalkaine

My dad has been strictly following an all alkaline diet since 2016. Hes extremely healthy hasn't been sick since really and claims he cured his arthiritis. I tried it for 2 months and felt really good and incoroprate alot of alkaline foods into my diet but still drink coffee and eat garbage vegan/plant based food. I really want to convert to all alkaline diet but everytime I bring it up or anything to anyone else they act like its insane to do. People treat my dad like hes insane most of the time, but I do honestly believe that eating an all raw plant diet can heal alot of diseases. Also curious to hear anyones thoughts on fasting in regards to healing the body?

I'm just wondering. I'm stuck in an extremely negatvie cycle at the moment. No job my business is failing no money I'm being kicked out of my house this week for being late on rent, unknown disease for past year. I havent ate anything at all for past couple days. I can admit that I am extremely lazy and entitled to just feeling like I dont have to work a regular 9-5. I take my art very serious and all my energy goes into that theres never a day where I dont do anything productive. I am starting a new job at the end of the month but even now I'm sitting in my room no food just water and I think about maslows Heirarchy of needs and how it says we need food water sex shelter to be base level happiness but can someone elaborate on that? what about those things make us happy and why? Because I dont understand why I cant just be happy without that stuff. I know Jesus fasted for 40 days to avoid temptation but was he just like miserable the whole time? I'm wondering why i keep having to consume things in order to be happy. I have straight waterfasted for 10 days total myself but even during that time I had money I wasnt buying anything or spending at all but It wasnt that hard to remain someone happy while just doing nothing but drinking water. The depression I feel right now is unreal and it just doesnt make sense to me because I feel like there is a way to transcend my basic survival needs. I do not understand why I am so programmed to only be happy so long as I have food or water or money. My insticts are telling me there is a way to be happy even in starving to death and I cant figure out what is preventing me from feeling that way. Sorry if this is dark and negative as fuck but its a genuine thought I continuously have.

This is what I'm getting at. I'm good at being happy in almost all situations but in my mind I feel like I can be happy even without food and water and while I was experiencing that hunger it was hard for me to retain real happiness. I would sit with no money no food and I could legitimately be happy with little to nothing but was not able to fully transcend it and I just feel as if it is possible to be completely unconditionally happy at the least. It was just hard to be at 100% happiness will actually experiencing that state. In theory it seems possible to me unless I really believe what maslow was saying about how we needed certain things to actually be happy at all.

I was pretty much aware of all of this while I wrote this post. I can tell when I use spirituality to avoid my responsibilities and emtional problems. But since then things have gotten so much better, I'm actually starting a really good job at the end of this month and ended up making a bunch of money within a day of starting my own digital marketing agency. It still bugs me that I need any of that to be happy but I can tell its some part of my ego that is allowing me to feel that way and I know there is a healthier and more responsbile way to actually transcend all that. Not that I have to do it all but something about it just really intices me. Thanks for the critisism though. Action was for sure the medicine lol.

Things have gotten alot better since this post but even while I was in such a dark place I would sit in bed for hours and try to meditate sometimes I would be able to be happier sometimes things wouldnt change at all. I can handle being in quiet and away from electronics for long periods of time.

Not saying this will work for you but forgiveness and love. Alot of people are just victims to how society projects onto them. Stand up for yourself and have fun but show compassion to people who are stuck in low vibrational cycles. If you have a problem with someone in particular talk to them one on one dont blame them for how they might have wronged you but just ask them how they feel. Someone can be talking shit about you but if you pull them to the side and ask them how they really feel and they stand on what they say then thats something you can respect and learn from, but most of the time you will see that 99% of the time people will fold if you confront them 1 on 1 and then they have no choice but to respect you. Self improvement is an idea, its useful to develop different aspects of your being but also consider there is nothing to improve as you already whole. You can be whole while improving your mind, body, and soul because why the fuck not anything possible. I stopped comparing myself and my situation to others when I realized that nobody is better than anyone else. I'm not better than anyone, I'm regular ol me and everybody is unique in their own way. We think we're special but realistically we are all parts of the same whole. Realize also that judgements stem from your own insecurities, the more insecure you are the more you judge, the less you judge the less insecure and more grounded you will become. The best way to stop is to recognize when you are judging others. Dont judge yourself for judging others but just be conscious of when it is happening and observe it with no bias. Ask yourself why you are making that judgement. I'm at a point where any time I do judge someone I laugh at myself because I know it usually comes from deep seeded trauma in my own life and then im able to find out what it is pretty quick and then forgive myself or whoever instilled that fear in me and move on then I'm able to show love to myself and the person I was going to judge. Wanting people to fear you is just you projecting the hurt you've felt in your own life and thats fine, I'm not going to judge but you will never gain any type of fulfillment. Logically if you have people fear you you will only make your own life harder, I can explain why but I feel like it should be obvious that the more ppl you make fear you the more you will have to look out for yourself. You dont need respect or fear from others to validate who you are, even with all the respect and fear in the world you can still be hurt it wont save you or make you happier. I became more happier when I stopped trying so hard to control my narrative and just let the narrative of who I am just create it self. Also just transcending the idea of a narrative at all.

@Tyler Robinson Can I ask why you believe you need that?

I just think about how I didn't really ask to be here alot. My parents fucked at a party and I was born 9 months later they didnt even like each other Never stayed together. They didnt set me up with shit growing up really and I was physically abused alot growing up. I love them alot though and i forgave them for everything it just bugs me that they see me out here wanting to die alot and make me feel like I'm a burden when I didnt ask to even be here really. It aint their fault but they dont got it like me when shit got rough for them they got to go live with their parents and do whatever the fuck they wanted they always had a safety net and I dont have that with them really they're cool with me just living on the streets if it comes down to it. I hate to even say that either because I dont want to have any resentment towards them but I can feel it creeping up on me. Idk how i envision it really. For the longest time I was convinved I was meant to be a star baby! I got really close alot too I was on the road to being a big time music producer I had worked with alot of great rappers from like 2010-2015 but my ego got in the way and kinda killed my momentum. its hard to envision my life being anything more than like living on the streets at the moment to be completely honest. Its not always like that but it seems like anytime something is going my way and I can see a future formyself something happens in the real world that takes me back down. I just dont understand why I cant be happy unless the material world is showing me some type of result and that bothers me because I want to be the source of my happiness even if I'm like on the verge of dying. I dont want to be comfortable but the sad truth is I work best when I have all my vices and everything is line. The best art I've made is when I was fat, comfortable, not sex deprived, high and that kind of bugs me because I dont get why I need that stuff in order to be creative and make good stuff. or why I constantly need to like have coffee and weed and like food to be happy shit is really discouraging. Its so funny that you are asking me to ask myself those questions. because thats usually what I tell other people to do and alot of times I try to ask myself why I feel certain ways about little things, but I guess my trauma with money and working is so deep that I try to avoid it at all costs. But thanks I appreciate it I'm going to really sit and think about it.

Thank u for that lol, I realized I was being a child. I thought I would be able to transcend basic neccessities right down to water and food but in hindsight I feel as if I was just being selfish. I just wanted to run away from everything trying to convince myself I could be happy on the road living off handouts or doing art for pay but idk I just think I was copping out. Doing anything money related just felt disgusting to me just because I hate having to quantify my self worth when I really am convinced that we are all infinite. I realized I'm just going to get a lil 9-5 save up and start my own business and use the money to help others. All my problems have stemmed from me being selfish and asking people for help without wanting to help myself first.

I'm really not in a good place mentally at the moment. I am an artist who actaully could make a sustainable living just doing art but I have to put my whole ass into it and honestly its hard for me to make art for money because it takes a long time for one and for two it kind of just hurts my soul in a lot of ways to just have to do it in general because something about someone having to pay me and then me draw pictures for them feels exploitative on both sides. I feel like I'm being forced alot of times to just draw things because people pay me. I understand I probably sound entitled but I just wish I could do art for free and take donations. I am terrible with finances its always been this way since I was a kid my parents have always instilled limiting beliefs behind money and I dont blame them. Even today my dad was just mentioning the fact that last month he had to cover part of my bills and he doesnt even live with me and I couldnt handle the fact that I put him in that position and that he was blaming me and I got upset and broke my phone. Honestly Ive always had anger issues but Actualized really helped me deal with alot of stuff especially over the last year I learned how to really understand what I was feeling and not be so reactive. I was doing great up until last year in october I actually lost like 60 lbs and was eating super healty had a 2 month long awakening but afterwards I got sick out of no where. My whole body was basically destroyed for this past year there was multiple times I thought I wasnt going to wake up the next day and even now most of all the things in my body I was experiencing is gone but I still show minor symptoms of whatever it was I was experiencing. (According to doctors it was anxiety even though some mornings I was spitting up blood.) Sorry for all the explination but I just dont believe I am entitled as society makes me believe. I know in alot of ways I am but in alot of ways I am not and never really was. I can see how bad some people have it and genuinely I had a good life except for money has always had a hold over me and I've come to a point where now I'm looking at everything and everybody and In my heart I'm just like none of this shit is real. I cant picture myself working another 9-5 I feel like Im fucking wasting my life away and honestly it makes me feel suicidal. It kind of blows my mind because when I was working last year even while experiencing a spiritual awakening I was not looking at it like that. I had no problem with being a part of society and I was able to convince myself that working a 9-5 was actually benefitial to nourishing my soul as well as connecting with people and bringing positive energy to an enviroment. I was just able to look at it in a way to where it didnt seem exploitative at all I was able to really manuver through working gracefully and figured I would be able to continue doing that then when I got sick everything I thought about life changed drastically. Fast forward to now, Its been 5 months since I've been out of work and I've actaully managed to scrape by just making art but In the begnining of august I took on wayyyyyy too much work for wayy too little money because I absolutetly needed to make rent I was able to finish alot of it but I had alot of people just flat out not pay me anything after the deposit after I finished the work. And honestly Ill even take part of the blame for that as alot of ppl were just hounding me to finish things but they werent up to my standards and the quality just lacked in my eyes. I mean they never said they werent paying me because it looked bad they always loved it but they would just stop responding to me. Its september now and im like 700+ dollars behind on rent I have no food, no water, no gas for my car, my phones done and I had a job interview tomorrow. For the first time in over 2 years I broke down and cried in the shower. I'm lonely asf at the moment I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years and actaulized actually helped me love myself enough to leave in all honesty. I also left all my best friends just becasue they werent on the same thing that I was trying to be on. I isolated myself because I hate being a burden on people and honestly I cant just handle being around most people. I deleted my social media as well even though my business was taking off and I was gaining more followers these two past years more than I ever had before. I love everybody from the bottom of my heart but when I get around people and just start hearing all this toxic shit about all this stuff I dont really care about I'm like damn I love you but from a distance. My dad calls me this morning and he actaully understands what I'm saying in regards to capitalism. And genuinely I dont hate the structure itself at all but to me I just look around and I'm like why are we doing this. My dad just keeps telling me like I know you dont want to do this but you have to do something because I'm in a position where I owe alot of people money. Well to be honest my debt isnt too bad its close to $1500 dollars. I know for a fact I can go out and make all the money and just keep grinding but I think about it and I'm just like why? Then my dad tells me its because we need to survive and I cant see why we need money to survive. I genuinely cannot see how that is true and it feels like the biggest lie I've ever been told. Honestly being told we need anything at all to survive just sounds like an idea that is pushed so heavily on us to the point that it controls everything we do and I cannot stand it. I genuinely do not believe we need water to survive. I genuinely do not believe we need food or money or relationships or anything. I cant explain why but it mostly seems that way because all this stuff sounds like ideas to me. Obviously I eat and drink and I know I could probably die without all this stuff but I dont actually have any way to verify it because I've never died from starvation nor has anyone around me that would be insane, but yet everyday I'm told I need this stuff to survive and I feel like that alone is killing me. My dad is a good guy and it sucks even being as conscious as I am because he mentioned how he had to pay 100 dollars for my bills last month that I still havent paid him back for and my first thought was "I did not ask to be here you put me here." So I got mad and broke my phone and went to the shower and instantly I saw how fucking stupid I was because I can see how my dad and mom were not fully conscious of their actions when they decided to have me so I cant blame them at all and that just made me cry harder than ever. I dont think more money will fix my problems, I dont believe I really have any problems to be honest but the thing that hurts me is being a burden on people. Maybe the whole issue is I dont want to be a burden so bad that its making my life horrible. I've thought about what would happen if someone gave me $10k, and I realize it would not do shit to fix my situation. Sure I would be able to pay people back sure I would be able to afford to live for a while but eventually I can tell I would be right back where I was. Honestly even if I was to break out as an artist and become famous and rich for the rest of my life I would still feel like shit capitalizing on my creativity. I tell my dad I dont want to be here anymore, I tell him I just want to pack all my shit and just run away and do art for people in person. I was so big into graphic design, branding, and marketing, now when I think about it grosses me out, I get nauseous thinking about branding to be honest now. I used to love graphic design, the other day I saw a sign that said "School for Native Americans" Or something and I just thought about how gross it was that we have like symbols to desrcibe some identity that we stole from someone and then sit and make money off it. I know for a fact I need therapy and I would love to go even though I dont think any amount of therapy will really fix the problems in my life. I dont live the healthiest lifestyle but I do sit alone in the dark for hours and just think and try to be grateful for what I have but then its not ever long before im reminded like that I'm not really that great of a person. My whole goal for a while was to become rich enough to help other people who were in the same situation I was in but now I'm realizing how I would just be enabling them to be apart of the same illusion Im stuck in and that kills me. By all means I dont want to take away from what makes people happy either no matter what it is, I talk to my ex girlfriend all the time and she really understands me to the point where its hard for me to speak because I dont want to make her feel bad for the life that she lives. I'm kind of doing that to everyone and thats why I'm alone to be honest because I dont want to like accidentally persaude someone into seeing how shallow their existence might be. I dont genuinely think that anyone who works a 9-5 is living a shallow existance either I think you can be happy doing that, I think you can be a good person and contribute alot to society and still get alot of fulfillment out of life doing that. I just have a hard time genuinely feeling that way for myself and maybe its because I believe I am an Artist. Sorry for all the first world problems. I may be starving and not knowing when I'm going to eat again but right now I'm kind of comfortable just sitting at a desk with 10000 ways to make money if I'm willing to put the effort in which I am and I will but I dont know where else to turn to I guess nobody really understands this is probably the only place that might get where I'm coming from becasue to me everything just seems like an idea to me. Thank anyone who took time to read.

Sorry for all the typos and grammar.

Are relative and absolute the same thing within terms of non-duality? If everything is everything else then it seems like all relative concepts and ideas could technically be absolute as well.

Also wouldnt being asleep be the same thing techically as being awake? Leo always says everyones asleep but isnt it just the same thing. Or is just really embodying that and understanding it what makes you awake. Am i just being an asshole?

I've been watching actualized since like 2014 I need to buy it in all honesty

How do you all feel about using competition as motivation? I used to be really competitive growing up and then after discovering actualized I actually started to care less and less about it because it kind of felt really petty to me to compete with others as oppose to building with them. I dont like comparing myself to others anymore on top of that but while I have reached a maintainable state of peace within myself I am and always have been struggling financially. Before I would become extremely depressed just constantly being broke but I dont really feel that way anymore when I start to get low on money. The only thing is I need money but money does not motivate me to do what I love or do anything really. Making really good art motivates me but its also my job. I make art but I never wanted it to be dependent on what anyone else was around me was doing. I was listening to a self help guy on youtube and he started talking about competing in your field but in a healthy way and it kind of spoke to me but I dont want it to come from a petty place or have it bite me in the ass if that makes sense but it almost feels as if that would be a natural feeling for me to have. Like the thought of me trying to be the best artist in my field really gets me going in a way. I'm not interested in putting anyone down I am interested in being better than my peers when it comes to like making art and profiting off of it and I feel like I need it but I dont want to be blind to what might happen if I chose to do that. He also talked about competing with people on your level and not people who are on a whole other level for you and kind of leveling up and up from there. I just feel as if that would motivate me and it feels completely natural but something about also seems as if it can become toxic as well which I would want to be super mindful of. Maybe I'm missing something here and there is something psychologically or spiritually wrong that is making me feel as if it was I need at the moment and there are better options but I cant lie when I say that the idea of looking my art and business as a competition and trying to out do other artists kind of gives me alot of motivation and I trust myself to do it in a healthy way. I also trust the idea of me being able to healthily compare myself to others when maybe I am in that mindset of me competing and I dont see the results I'm looking for and zoning in on those things to continue to level up my craft and business. To be honest most of the happiest times in my life when I was a kid was when I was competing and won something, its just as I became older I began to hate competing, alot of it was because it was forced on me as a child and just because I grew to think that competing is just kind of a lame thing that humans do to feel good about themselves. I think this would be a good topic for a video and I'm interested to hear anyone elses thoughts about it. Especially where competition might fit in the spiritual world because alot of spirituality feels kind of the opposite of what competition entails lol.

Thanks I already figured that. I guess I'm just looking for a quick fix boost to make money as fast as possible. I have everything I need to live on my own with my art but its hard to find the motivation I need sometimes to get stuff out. Its sad I have to rely so heavily on my artform as a means to live but I know thats something I have to fix within myself. It doesnt have to be as bad as I make it seem I just cant imagine working another 9-5.

I'm really surprised Leo doesnt have any videos on interpersonal violent conflict. Maybe its not the place for that type of content and I can see how it might not aid in personal growth. I dont like fighting but I grew up fighting and even to this day exist in an environment that is violent and conflict driven by nature. To be honest ever since I've picked up actualized about 7 years ago I've grown to basically let go and chose peace when it came to any type of altercation. Its never hard to flip the switch and remove my idea of self from any type of conflict or aggression with another male. I've had anger issues from the time I was a young kid till about my mid 20s and I was always quick to get physical, all that is gone and as a matter a fact I'm actually extremely fragile at this point. I have to be clear when I say that the only time I did fight was in self defense, but the thing that is different from then to now is that back in the day I would be quick to pop off if you said anything bad about me, I would never swing first but I had a mouth that would get me into shit fast. Thats all but gone now and I'm not afraid to defend myself physically but when it comes to mentally I often shy away and let people just say how they feel about me now matter how disrespectful it is. That is mostly because my idea of respect and disrespect dont really exist, to me when people say anything negative about me no matter how true or not true it is it often just seems like a projection of their own insecurities so its hard for me to take anything personal and I really embody that. In all honesty, a lot of my friends are just hood as fuck, I dont know how else to put it but I'm just being as candid as possible. I grew up flip flopping between like projects & really low income areas to nice suburban houses when I would stay with my mom until I was 12 and then just basically moved in with my dad in the hood. I got into fights more in the suburbs to be honest but when I moved in with my dad I began to experience gun violence and other shit like that. The first time I had a gun pointed at me was my freshman year in high school just walking home. I've seen people get shot at parties, I've seen my friends beaten half to death, I myself have been jumped and had to fight, I've had friends who have died to guns or get shot. I have friends who have shot up parties or threatened people with guns. Just all kinds of violent ass shit that almost kind of seemed normal until I started writing this right now. Dont get me wrong I didnt grow up in a crazy ass place like chicago or anything like that there are way worse places than where I lived in Glendale, Arizona but I know the affect its had on me and my friends growing up. Its all kind of besides the point though because what I was saying was that my friends are serious guys, I've been on this all this Buddhism and inner peace shit for some time and changed who I was entirely. It really throws all them off when they see me in situations where something happens and I'm disrespected and in their heads they think I should defend myself but I just choose not to because I really dont see it the same way and basically just shrug it off. To them I already know they think I'm like a bitch or something which again I really dont care about but in my eyes anything is better than harming another person or getting into any type of conflict. Thats all fine and dandy, I've been living like that for some years now. I guess this is where things start to get fucked up for me however though because in all honesty I'm kind of tired of choosing peace at the moment. This is going to sound fucked up but I'm just being as honest as possible, I dont want to continue just being like egoless and so radical when it comes to being peaceful and not engaging with other guys when it comes to butting heads and all that. I had a portion of my life where I would just avoid going out because every girl I was with has always been extremely beautiful and its hard to be out with a girl and having to just basically bitch out anytime some dude tries to get at her because I'm trying to be Christ like and I see no difference between me, the girl I'm with or the drunk guy getting at her. I could recognize that they we're all an extension of myself and each other and theres no reason to snap back or get into some shit with anybody over anything . I mean I'm really good at ignoring it or just finding a way to say something to the dude to let him know that like I see what you're trying to do but its all peace and love this way lets just have a good time and respect each other. I've basically avoided having to fight sometime now having that mentality and its always worked in my favor because anytime I have went that route the dude has actually been cool afterwards, along with the girl not doing anything to disrespect me to my surprise because I feel like If u just constantly seen your man bitch out it would make you less attracted to him, but maybe in hindsight I wasn't bitching out and just choosing a different way to dismantle somebody elses defense mechanisms just by being open and honest with them, I'm not sure. Either way. I've been single after a 5 year relationship and getting back into dating and I feel like not holding that same type of toxic male aggression is kind of preventing me from being able to do multiple things in my life. In all honesty I kind of miss being that fucking guy. I miss like having the energy of someone who like used to steal peoples girlfriends and beef with and get into shit with all kinds of guys, as dumb as it sounds. In a sense I miss being toxic and just having that energy. I really hate the idea of going back to like stealing someone elses girlfriend and I would never do that again but I miss the energy that came with it. I'm confident now sure, but its mostly in the sense of me in my art and career and my abilities to create good shit as a musician and artist. I dont have the same confidence I used to have when it comes to conflict or dealing with women because I mostly dont want to hurt anybodys feelings or get physical with someone like I used to but its taking its toll. I know the best option would be to talk to women who dont have those types of values but in all honesty thats just what I'm attracted to and they're attracted to me when I'm in that mode. For example, this really beautiful girl took me out on a date last week actually and I couldnt like really pull the trigger on like getting her to come home with me or even see me again after and I could tell she really liked me. There was even some point on the date where some drunk guy looked at her and was like "I like your hair" to her and I just grabbed her and kind of laughed at him and moved to a different side of the bar. Even thats too much for me lol, Id prefer to just let my guard down and awkwardly laugh letting the dude know I'm not a threat and we're just here to have a good time but I feel as if thats like worse than what I chose to do instead. I mean I dont wanna go like ape shit on him but back in the day I for sure would have said something that could have lead to a fight for sure. Dealing with women in general is hard as fuck for me as well. 5 years ago I would bag like straight 10's. (Even saying that phrase is hard for me because it feels disrespectful and kind of rude) but its true. Now I can open with a girl and get her to talk to me for a little thats not a problem, but Its hard for me to throw on that assholeish charisma that worked really well in the past and get her to spend time with me. I was really lucky that this girl even took me out last week but of course I fumbled it instantly lol. I just feel like back in the day I was manipulating girls by playing with their emotions. Being sweet and then being an asshole when they didnt give me what I wanted and just teetering back and fourth but now currently I really hate the idea of doing that to someone. I cant stand the idea of just poking at someones emotions even if its in a way thats teasing because like its a fine line between being playful and becoming toxic and I feel like the girls I like always want that toxic side that I'm not really willing to give to people anymore. Its all mostly because I care and I get it I sound like some submissive beta nice guy ass dude but Its genuine asf I really just give af too much about how people feel about themselves and I'm really just into boosting other peoples confidence and not having any role showing them anything they might consider conceptually negative about themselves. I dont even make jokes with my best friends like how we all used to because I dont want to make people feel bad about themselves even if its in a joking matter. I did have an insight earlier that it might be okay to tease a womans emotions in a way that might seem toxic to myself so long as my intentions are always good with her and I'm doing it in a way that wont cause any trauma. Its just hard for me because I def make boundaries for myself. Alot of it has to do with me being a kid growing up my mom would say the most absolutely fucked up shit to make me feel bad about myself and I feel like I've projected alot of that in my early 20s. Not sure where I'm really going with this anymore sorry if I'm rambling I've thought about writing about this for months now but it seemed like things were getting better. I think I'm getting closer to something but I just have alot of pent up feelings about this stuff that I cant share with anyone. I appreciate this community and all the work Leo has put in to help people I've just never really heard him go deep into toxic male aggression and conflict. I mean I'm sure he has but idk nothing really sticks with me and maybe its because I wanted to avoid it all together. I must also say that I know its wrong and I know it would cause me more problems but I dont wanna be afraid to get into altercations with other guys anymore. I really enjoyed the spiritual side of myself and grew to heal alot of my traumas an love myself in a way I didnt think was possible before and I know this sounds crazy but in a sense now it feels like I'm neglecting some part of myself. I realize its the ego that has that idea but just even having the energy that I'm ready to go with anyone like how I was in the past might actually do more positive for me at this time in my life. I spent years just being selfless and really focusing on putting others before myself and in turn everyone around me benefited but I just feel like if I had a different mindset when it came to that one area in particular that it might boost me in a way that I need right now so I can continue to do good for myself and others. I'm just being as honest as I can I get how dumb it sounds but I'm human I'm just tired of these things holding me back. It would be different if I didnt exist in the environment that I do, but I don't, unfortunately physical violence and butting heads with people is a part of the social circles I'm in and in a sense the art I produce. I dont want to be scared to go to a club or bar because I know there are guys there who want to fight me because of what girl i'm with, or who my friends are, or who I am, or some dumb beef we had in the past. I just wanna go with the intent that I dont mean any harm to nobody but also that I'm just ready to go if it comes to it.

Thanks it was really hard to write this to be honest. I will do that for sure

I'm probably stating the obvious, but I've just never heard anybody say it and I looked it up online and dont see much about it. My belief is he was crucified and then basically was able to reach a stage of permanent enlightenment. The whole crucifixion itself is a metaphor for death of "self" Everything that happens and everything he says while on the cross makes it seem so.

Theres so much propaganda and misinformation I cant tell whats up down left and right. I have a socialist friend whos like 25 years old and she loves fidel castro and basically says Cuba is doing well, I just saw that they reached 100% vaccinations and their death rate is declining on twitter but when I try to research it on my own It gets so messy. I dont have anything at all against socialism or capitalism. I'm sure it sounds ridiculous but I just adapt to my environment best I can and just be happy with the present moment even being conscious of all these conceptual, and relative limitations. I hated capitalism for like my whole life but it didnt do shit for me really, even if I did want to exist in a socialist society I'm sure I would need big money to make the changes and I'm all for revolution if need be, but at the same time I cant lie I am grateful for just being alive and I do consider myself to be somewhat free even though I have to work like a slave to maintain the freedom I believe in a sense its fair because its not like I gotta go forge for nuts and berries and shit, I just sit in my room and help people get cars and make money selling art at the same time. I'm aware its not like this for everyone in USA obviously, I'm very conscious of my privilege in this aspect. But I'm interested in knowing exactly whats happening there. Is it as great as the people on twitter make it seem or is it just socialist propaganda and if so why?

I figured, I Just never seen anything in depth about how the crucifixion itself is a metaphor for shedding of ego. Its almost put in a way as to where it is fabricated to help whoevers learning about it to subconsciously apply it in their own lives. It seems more like an instruction manual for like a real time awakening or some shit lol.

I had an awakening and I know I'm slow but I've never been religious unless it was forced on me. During my awakening I kept realizing how everything in the bible is exactly what I had been practicing, then I started learning more about the bible and how everything seems like a metaphor for consciousness and spirituality (Duh obviously) but it was always so hard to see because I had a bias against anything in it and I thought devils and angels were just nonsense but now I see how they use them to represent different aspects of reality that are often misunderstood. I believe the devil is nothing more than fear and misunderstanding, The holy trinity is mind body and soul. Crucifixion/ Resurrections is being shed of all imperfections embracing extreme state of vulnerability. Taking the right hand side of god means he was at permanent state of enlightenment. He made a blind man see not in the physical sense but he awakened him. Dont judge because it brings you closer to what we are. etc I could go on all day. I think to get the most you have to see the bible for what it is including all its flaws.

This is what I'm saying, it seems like almost a last fight with his own ego before he fully transcends.

I hear what your saying and I agree that he was enlightened before and after but the crucifixion itself seems as if it does metaphorically represent the death of "self" It seems like its written and portrayed as a physical death but almost seems like a real time explanation and guide almost of dissolving of all insecurities and acceptance of imperfection. "Crucifixion and resurrection." When you start to preach enlightenment to a bunch of people who are so consumed by selfish greed the egos ultimate defense mechanism is physical violence. What he taught threatened the structure of society in Rome during that time. The crucifixion itself is him metaphorically and physically being freed from his ego and dissolving of all imperfections. The moment in which he is near death is the exact moment he is in truly perfect form. The belief is that after the crucifixion he was thrown in a cave and believed to be dead just to reappear 3 days later. My belief is that all that is true except he had never died in reality, and the death as told in the bible is metaphorical and what it represents is the idea of sense of self, as in that moment he was selfless in being tortured for the sins of everyone else *Transcending himself and everyone else*. He has one last bout with "god as the father" or "himself" saying "why have you forsaken me?" Questioning fairness in his direct experience. He believed that by going around awakening people it would make the world a better place. But at the same time he still knows better. "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do" The way he's conditioned himself psychologically is allowing him to seek forgiveness for the outside world in himself as he's being tortured, as he understands the outside world is himself. Meaning the thieves beside him are still programmed and projecting previous traumas and being killed in result of something that is basically outside of their control. The environment created these conceptually deficient people so how is it their fault that they project how they do? No one is to blame and this punishment can never fit the crime. Hes begging for the one true way to heal the environment *forgiveness*. In this instance he's talking about everyone involved, as in hes forgiving the soldiers torturing him and everyone else who is taking part and basically the whole world. He finally lets his ego go and understands that what is happening is fair. His last words are those of acceptance. "father into your hands I commit my spirit." Him accepting things as they are completely, death of ego. I believe he did not die at all after, instead he was taken out of the cave near death and was brought back to Kashmir by Buddhist monks. In this state he was awakened and completely stripped of all insecurities. His extreme vulnerability, physically and mentally was absolute freedom at that moment and he understood this.*Total acceptance of imperfection* There was no one to blame for what occurred and it happened just as it should have. He understood that if it would have went any other way that it would imply some kind of imperfection in that instance. He didnt have time, energy, or the will, to judge or hold resentment for what had happened to him and in his understanding he found nirvana. In the bible they describe how after his death he takes a seat at the right hand of God for eternity. I dont think this implies a physical death rather a state of enlightenment that was everlasting. I get the bible states hes basically referring to the father as something outside of himself but if you change the word from "father" to "self" and if self includes everything else it basically seems like hes asking himself for forgiveness and than accepting the current state of the world around him.

you're not evil just conceptually deficient, You convinced yourself that you are not whole already and that by somehow being with this girl will give you some sort of validation. Understand the nature of your trauma that means going back in your mind and finding out what makes you project they way you do and understand without bias, accept what youve done up till this point and forgive yourself. Do the same with the girl dont project your insecurities onto her understand that she is human and that either way she cant give you anything that you dont already have. Acceptance and forgiveness is key. Be radical about it if you want things to change if you dont then dont beat yourself and start applying shit when you're ready. What you did is not evil you just project toxic behavior onto your environment. When I start feeling anxious or depressed I tell myelf "Present moment" then I try to consciously feel everything within my perception meaning i become one with everything around me. If im in a room I become the room and everything in it, and bring myself to what is actually real and that is the present moment. Dont hate her for what she has done, if she hurt you it wasnt personal and she nor anyone owes you anything which isnt a bad thing because if you were able to see that you might have been able to connect with her below surface level. In all aspects of your life eliminate neediness. First accept that you are needy and how natural it is for humans to be like that and then continuously spread love to yourself about it. keep focusing on your consciousness, and spirituality become radical about it and done hide from yourself. The more you accept your flaws and sins the more confident you will be and the more you will able to prevent things like that in the future because your actively being conscious about being toxic. You're not acting like its not happening and sweeping it under the rug. Learn more about women and their psychology as well as men too and how relationships are built and how attraction works. You projected your idea of evil out of misunderstanding so the more you understand the more you will be at peace.