Consilience

Mushrooms are much cheaper and fully organic I know psychedelics aren’t for everyone though, but I consider them to have extraordinary spiritual guidance if that’s what you feel you need, may be worth considering. Great to hear it went well though. Im interested to hear about future updates!

Day 25 - Another solid day. My energy levels have been skyrocketing lately... Unfortunately the sexual energy is as well. As someone who experiences chronic fatigue like symptoms quite frequently, having this level of energy is an amazing feeling, however having really strong sexual urges is difficult to transmute. I updated my YouTube's channel art and am quite satisfied with it. I plan on releasing the latest video on Sunday. Regardless of whether it does well or not, whether Lady Algorithm likes it or not, I know I poured my heart into this one, and I know its quality captures everything I've been trying to accomplish with videos. I consider it a new beginning to my video creation journey and as such, I view it as a new baseline. I will only continue to improve. Maybe the next video I make won't be as good or successful, but in a year's time I will have a linear line of progress, I will improve, I will grow. Regardless of whether this video does well, I know it's captured the vision of my Life Purpose more than any other video I've ever made, and for that I have nothing but self-reverence.

Day 24 - Oof... I keep over doing it... I worked another 4 hours on life purpose. My latest video is nearly complete. Hands down one of the best video I've ever done. When I look back to the first video I ever posted on YouTube and compare it to what I'm about to release, the contrast is shocking. Utterly shocking that I could have made a difference in quality to such a degree. I'm not trying to make it sound better than it really is, but it is living proof that the path to mastery and the potential for improvement is infinite. I'm excited to see what kinds of videos I will be producing in another year. It feels like the urge to finish this, to exert creative energy is becoming obsessive. I ended up not meditating at all today, which is ironic considering my video is on meditation. It kind of feels like I need to masturbate just to purge the creative energy. Or maybe like smoke a joint and dull the mind's energy, I'm not sure. In all honesty it felt manic which isn't good. Tomorrow I really need to take a break and just let things settle down. The way I've been working on this is unhealthy and completely out of balance. I believe this must be a side effect of the no fap/no pmo because usually I do not have the energy to work like this. One thing I do know though, for subsequent videos I'm going to have to find a way to be more efficient. Over the last month I've spent probably 40 hours contemplating, writing, shooting, editing, and filming for this thing and it's only 14 minutes long lmao. Unfortunately, YouTube requires more frequent content than 40 hours/month/video can yield. Overall though I've learned A LOT and effectiveness/efficiency and balance will be my next phase of focus as I continue on this journey.

Day 23 - This is yesterday's entry. I got home at 12:30am and went straight to bed. I got home very late last night after a 4 hour shooting session at the beach. I drove out on a beautiful sunny day and spent the entire time shooting b roll, taking photos, and trying to practice with my camera. It's amazing how much footage I got that isn't necessarily usable because it just isn't the quality I'm after. This new approach to making videos is extremely gratifying though, being able to explore a whole other dimension of skill and mastery I didn't even know I enjoyed so much until my latest LSD trip. However something I'm noticing which I think is a side effect of the no fap - I believe I have an excessive amount of creative energy which I guess is good, but partially bad. When I start working on life purpose work and overcome the initial activation energy required to beat "resistance" (read Steven Pressfield's, The War of Art) I've had a tendency to fly off the handle in almost manic work modes. I can spend hours just working without really noticing the time. Absolute flow mode. And while it's an amazing feeling to be in the zone like that, and while it's also giving me confidence that I'm on the right path in terms of my life purpose, I've noticed I have trouble over doing it. When my mind gets into these creative, creating mode it's like all the energy I'm not releasing through PMO gets released into whatever I'm doing. The down side is, I haven't really figured out how to not over exert myself. It felt like I went a little overboard this weekend. I'll be updating tonight's entry later this evening.

Day 22 - Worked like a mad man on my video. By far the highest quality video I've ever made. I synthesized cinematography into the creation which feels so amazing. My zone of genius 100% communication, but I also have a talent for photography, which I leveraged for this particular video through cinematography. I will be applying and expanding on this technique more and more as I continue creating video content, as well as improving my verbal communication abilities. Today was also significant because this is where I relapsed on my previous streak. No urges though. All of my excess energy went towards accomplishing those intentions. Tomorrow will also be a significant day. I'm not sure what I will be manifesting, but it will be powerful.

Day 21 - My coworkers and I had a backyard social distancing gathering this evening. Two of my coworkers have wives. In all honesty, these women aren't really the type I would consider having sex with or dating. Partially they are much older than I am, and also partially I think I can find a more attractive female partners. On the other hand, tonight I found them to be more attractive than I ever before (we've previously met). It was like I could feel their feminine energy when we locked eyes, as I listened to them speak, their mannerism, the little details of their behavior. I felt so incredibly open to their femininity that despite them not really being my type, they were beautiful. So beautiful. I could just be with their essence as women and I understood what my coworkers found so attractive about them. Porn seriously disrupts my ability to see the beauty of women on a very deep, even spiritual level. I find I am able to connect with them more, hold eye contact for longer, be calmer around them, and ultimately, create an open space between my masculine core and their feminine core more effectively when my brain isn't fried from porn and pmo exposure. As odd as it sounds, it was a very healing experience being able to connect with women I don't even want to have sex with, yet feel their sexual essence and find the physical beauty in their being. Tomorrow's intentions: Hand write these intentions down after waking Meditate 1 hour Hatha Yoga Cold shower Workout Book airbnb for solo meditation retreat Create an account on Sofi to investigate refinancing student loans Email manager Call pharmacy about prescription problem Eat 180g of protein Record Video (life purpose) Thank you so much! Man it really does feel that way. Your support means a lot. Btw, your post about conflating a feeling state (tiredness) with a particular outcome (I need to rest and not do life purpose work) and how really all of experience is one big placebo effect, that what we feel and how we interpret those feelings which translates into behavior was an extremely powerful perspective. I'm really gonna sit with that one.

This is really powerful

Why does absolute love bring me to tears if it is experienced as nothing? When its not experienced at all? Why does my body/mind react in such a way? And why don’t I remain conscious 24/7 of this nothing? If love is all accepting of all evil, why do we become more compassionate as we become more conscious of love? Why is compassion the response? What is the difference between infinite compassion and infinite love?

Amazing updates man. Was wondering how you were doing. Personally I seem to be hovering at a weird intersection of stage 7-8, yet Ive taken a break from TMI, sort of. Recently I had a very powerful intuitive pull to begin working with the do nothing technique, which as best I can tell is the choiceless attention stage 8 practice. I recently had a meditation experience that felt orgasmic for 60 minutes straight, and nearly all of my sessions these days turn into some level of pleasure. Yet the equanimity and detachment thats building makes me not even care about the pleasure or pain. Even the intention to follow the breath feels like a limit on experience. Just surrendering to being has actually yielded more focus, more introspective awareness, and peripheral awareness than following the breath. After committing to the choiceless attention/do nothing technique, I jumped from stage 5/6 to stage 7/8. It feels kind of off the path of the traditional TMI roadmap but I remember the book it explains not everyone’s meditation path will be exactly the same. Super happy to hear you’re getting to these deep levels of wisdom. Have you had any insight into Love, and what its nature is?

Day 20 - Things are starting to feel really good. I have noticeably more energy, more grit, more focus, and can push myself harder when it comes to the amount of work I'm capable of doing per day. I still struggle with chronic fatigue like symptoms which I can only guess are due to my body's illness, but overall the benefits of no fap are really kicking in. I will say though I have been really craving intimacy, human touch, sex, physical connection with the opposite sex, with someone I find attractive. But this is just part of the path for now. I got the time off for my work to pursue the solo meditation retreat, so now I just need to find a place to go.

Beast. Thank you man.

Doing both has radically shifted how I experience life. Both practices seem to feed off and enhance the other. One of the best integration tools and ways to go deeper into trips is through meditation, one of the best ways to deepen meditation is through psychedelics. Beautiful combo

Day 19 - Today during yoga I had a huge surge of sadness wash through my body and I just cried man. No clue why, or where it came from. I didn't bother analyzing it, or trying to understand what was happening, I just let the emotions run through me. It felt like they originated from the center of my chest, my heart chakra, and would then pulsate throughout the rest of the body and physically release and exit as tears + a softening of muscle tension. Tonight was a lot of soul searching, a lot of self reflection. It was a lot of abstract, mental and emotional integration work from my last LSD trip and what the implications of those lessons were. Perhaps the emotions I felt during yoga originated from that trip, who knows man. It all kind of feels connected. I'm gaining clarity on my purpose and continuing to trust in the principles of patience and surrender. On the topic of this current no-pmo journey, I think I've hit another semi flatline. It seems to go in waves where some sort of peak will occur during a given day or days, and if I can just ride the wave out, the sexual impulse and energy eventually subsides. Yet with each knew impulse, the wave grows in strength. Every time in my life thus far I've caved to that wave. I must say this journal and transparency is incredibly helpful, so whoever may be reading, thank you for your support. It means a lot.

Day 18 - I don't have much I feel like sharing today. Just another day on the path yo.

If you masturbate at all Id cut that out too in addition to the porn. @Michael569 ‘s post is great.

Day 17 - Woke up in a very interesting state today. I woke up and was just angry, but angry specifically at a woman I'd been sort of semi dating right as COVID19 really kicked off. It sucks because I really liked this woman, pure stage green hitting yellow on the SD model, super attractive. However, right as we really made our intentions known that we were into one another, COVID lockdown happens and we're supposed to start social distancing. We keep hanging out, but at a distance which at first was fine, but it slowly just kinda puttered the 'relationship' out. Without really being able to act on physical urges or touch at all, the chemistry just slowly sank. We stopped hanging out as much, she started taking longer to respond to texts, and now we've communicated like twice in the last two months. Part of me feels hurt and frustrated that she just stopped showing any sort of interest and left me hanging. I would say she did the backing away not me. I've analyzed the past and seen places I probably fucked up building attraction, but with the fact that there's a pandemic and no possibility for real physical intimacy, I don't know how much I can blame myself. Yet on the other hand, she didn't back away from much. It wasn't ever really dating. We made out really intensely once at the beginning of lockdown/social distancing measures, totally breaking the rules. In a way I regret not pushing harder to facilitate sex in that moment because we'd already broken the rules, why not go further? But I think apart of me just knew it was really not okay what I did. I live with an immunocompromised family member so I was really putting them at risk. In hindsight making out at all was really fucked up on my end, completely selfish. But if I had actually pushed for sex perhaps the emotional bond would have been stronger, and we would still be in touch. It's not like we could really do anything about it now though because of the pandemic.. Part of me is angry that it didn't work out because I was really into this person, but part of me realizes that without being able to act on anything, there's no real relationship in that. Playing friends as the lockdown continued would have been worse. We can't act on each other, I can't act on anything with anyone right now with my living situation. With her specifically though it just sucks man. I really connected with her physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I have no clue whether or not it will rekindle when things go back to normal. For some reason my intuition is telling me not to though. I can't put my finger on way, as I assume it would be very difficult for her to find a man like me. Not to brag, but I am just a very unique individual among the population. Everyone on actualized.org is imo. But yeah, there's just this gut reaction that tells me it will be a lesson learned. Once the lockdown ends, I'll be hitting the streets to meet random woman and gain experience so that next time I meet someone with wild chemistry, I have the experience and masculinity to keep the attraction. Accepting that frustration is important. I did my usual 1 hour of meditation this morning and just marinated in the anger, let it dissipate through a surrendering and turning into it. There's something powerful about total surrender and a letting go of unfulfilled desire. As the great Spike Spiegel once said, "What ever happens, happens."

Day 16 - Today was quite a bit more difficult. I felt sloth like and as though all of my energy was stuck in my sacral chakra and desperately trying to be released. I actually ended working on life purpose work for well over an hour today, yet I felt like today was a waste somehow. Interestingly, today felt like I had pmo'd. The lethargy and total lack of motivation I get from pmo was how I felt today except I was horny. Weird combo. It wasn't until the day was nearly over that the energy finally relocated itself and I didn't feel like a sack of potatoes. I must admit, it does feel like I am denying a very deep part of myself by not masturbating. This usually is the line of thought that justifies relapse. But seriously, when I get on streaks even as little as these, I feel the enormity of the sexual energy of my body. I'm not sure how to properly relate to this energy after the 90 days are up. Perhaps like a weekly release schedule would be good, but I'm afraid that giving in will just turn into porn relapses. What I really crave is real sex with a real woman, but covid has made this an impossibility. Surrender is the only move at the moment.

They are as real or unreal as this sober realm

Day 15 - I visited a tree last night that I consider my friend. It always sparks intense emotions and awareness, especially when there's physical touch. I pressed my palm into its trunk, and at first, nothing happened. I then sat on a rock near the base of the trunk, leaned my back and head into against its surface and just chilled, entering into a state of being. Then I was presented an intense vision of doing a solo meditation retreat near the beach. So... I will be attempting a solo meditation retreat soon. More details to follow. Today was great. I made huge progress with my video creation process. I managed to get a really good microphone and make the appropriate post production edits to get it sounding extremely fucking good. Like top tear level quality. I have a vision of what I want my next video to be, and the pieces are slowly falling into place. I'm really taking my time with this. In terms of the no pmo goals, today was good overall, but now as I'm nearing bed, I feel A LOT of sexual energy build up wanting to be released. It's crazy how good keeping this energy inside feels, but how desperately it wants to exit the body. I am truly fighting a primordial force of nature here.

One time I was tripping on mushrooms and hiking. The first part of the hike was just hill land, very open and empty. As I entered the woods, the weather turned extremely grim, cloudy and the energy of the trip turned sour, and dark. As the hike progressed in the forrest, it started raining which only solidified the negativity. However, as the hike was nearing its end and the forrest opened back up into the clearing, the rain spontaneously cleared and the sun shined through, forming a giant double rainbow and the most beautiful sunset id ever seen. The entire trip had been a metaphor for life. Entering the dark woods is like going through extremely difficult phases of life but there is beauty on the other end. Or even life is suffering and death is merging with God. The trip can be conceptualized in multiple ways and all meanings are valid. Moreover, because I was under the influence, I used uber to go home. And the uber driver’s name was Wisdom, an Indian man who started spitting life advice the whole way home. He was the guru, the trip sitter to help guide and connect all the dots. One of the craziest trips of my life. Another more brutal example. When I was in high school, I got super obsessive into bodybuilding. I spent 6 years studying and applying these training and nutrition principles on myself, experimenting with what worked and what didn’t. Long story short, I got very muscular and into great shape, and was armed with a very high level of exercise and nutrition knowledge. I even double majored in Kinesiology and Nutrition in undergrad. Well as Im just learning about enlightenment and actualized.org, learning non duality, I get sent to the emergency room and am diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. First of all it felt like a test to see how much I was embodying these new higher consciousness principles. Yet more amazingly, out of the myriad of possible autoimmune conditions I could have developed, I get the one I was the most well equipped to handle. All of my exercise and nutrition knowledge was now being put to the test in a whole new way as my interest in bodybuilding fell away and was replaced with pursuing consciousness and life purpose. The amount of grace, humility, and love the disease has taught and still teaches me is a difficult to communicate. Ive been able to handle it extremely well though because of my history. There are a couple of more personal big ones that have happened in my life, but most synchronicities are smaller and you have to really be aware to observe and register.

Day 14 - Another difficult day at work. Clawing my way to financial freedom is extremely fucking difficult with 100K in student loans. And then it feels like doing it while having to manage the energy swings of my health is like playing life on legendary difficulty. But I've also realized sometimes the best approach to life is to just breathe. Things change. Things change so radically. My present situation will not always be so, and if I don't appreciate what is here now, I will never be able to again. Surrender has been a major theme of mine during 2020. No real urges today.

Interacting with women has given me loads of self reflection. Women will test your emotional mastery like no other. Can you go up to a super attractive female and keep a conversation going without getting flustered?

The good ol materialist paradigm. What causes it is that you and reality are not separate things. Your mind is literally locked in with the fabric of existence. Ive encountered some WILD synchronicities the more Ive gone into consciousness work.

Day 13 - Today was very difficult not in terms of this whole no fap thing, but in terms of life. Work was really tough. On a positive side, I got a new microphone for my videos which should be taking my YouTube channel's audio quality way up. I'm very excited. I have a very strong vision of the types of videos I want to make, a type of video which is radically higher quality than what they're currently at, and part of that vision involved much better audio haha. So what happened on day 12? Well honestly it was a really stupid mistake. So as you may have guessed by me starting this journal, sex has been on my mind a lot. As a sexual being, I have certain fetishes or preferences when it comes to sexual acts. This is pretty normal I assume most people like certain things when it comes to sex. Because it's been on my mind more, I decided to google about one of my particular fetishes and see how other people conceptualized and thought about it. I'd never really read anyone's opinion on this particular fetish. Well low and behold there is an entire reddit page devoted to this fetish. The first google link was an entire thread devoted to people talking about this fetish and making seem normal, fun, and sexy, which brought me some since of comfort. Well me being completely dumb and unaware, I decide to checkout this reddit communities home page in hopes of seeing more threads of people talking about it. TURNS OUT THIS THREAD ISN'T ABOUT COMMUNITY... It was about sharing porn and the one thread I landed on was in the minority. So I'm immediately presented with porn videos and gifs of my fetish just totally in my face. Honestly I should have known better, but I'm not really familiar with reddit. For some reason I assumed there wouldn't be porn on this page, but um... yeah. SO I'm sitting there face to face with these enormously arousing videos and gifs completely caught off guard yet immediately my mind went into meditative mode. I started asking myself, "Are you going to do it?" "Are you going to give in?" But despite the extremely high state of arousal, and rock hard manticore (got this from Alex Becker's channel) I just watched in complete detachment, studying how much my mind was craving the release of all of this tension. Admittedly I went watching multiple videos just studying how my mind was responding and whether or not I would pull the trigger and unload the magazine, so to speak. I truly think what stopped me was this journal. Even amongst the porn all I could think about was trying to finally create this change, and prove to this community it can be done and there are powerful benefits associated with freeing oneself from PMO addiction. Eventually I closed the reddit page, and then I remembered that one of my rules had been no porn. In the moment of shock and a hyper metacognitive state of detachment/desire/arousal I had completely forgotten that was one of the rules I'd set for myself. However, I view this as a test. Perhaps I was unconsciously trying to fail by landing on a reddit porn page, I don't know. Maybe I'm just justifying my own rule breaking, I don't know. But in a deep sense, I didn't fail. I just let go, didn't touch myself, and closed the porn. This was the first time for as long as I can remember looking at porn, a fetish no less, and just walking away. It felt extremely empowering, but also totally idiotic that I didn't think redditors would be sharing porn. Moving forward I will not forget the 2nd rule of no porn and if I do land on porn and keep watching, I'll reset my timer. I'm open to criticism or feedback on this, but anyways, day 13 was a success, no hiccups or anything. And I'm very happy I didn't relapse yesterday.

A self consistent illusion does not make it real. Apply your skepticism of the self to the whole universe and all that will remain is THIS. To be direct, there is no world outside of experience, yet experience, life behaves in such a way as to imply we’re all living in an external world which exists when we sleep and will exist when we die. This is the intelligence of consciousness manifesting. In the most absolute sense, this is an illusion though. The universe is literally your direct experience of this moment. In meditation when you are alone, in the darkness of closed eyes, that is literally the entirety of formed reality. Very radical insight though. For the purposes of self survival and the social matrix we all collectively live in, yes science is useful and so is government, criminal justice systems which use DNA evidence, etc.