Daydreamer

So you are an undergraduate and you are working towards a BA?

I give you a woman's perspective: If you want to meet women to date, and become more socially confident, do It in steps. First join groups that have interesting on-going activities and meet women as people first. Make genuine friendships around common interests (something you would really like to do, succeed at, or participate in). Don't push yourself to form 'relationships'. Don't be the guy that only speaks to women he 'fancies'. Speak to all sorts of women. Just make friends, get comfortable being in mixed company - and see where it leads naturally. Don't put pressure on yourself or the women you meet. Build up networks of people and grow a reputation of someone who can be trusted. And don't be a so-called 'nice' guy who is only nice to get something back - that is creepy and manipulative. Be genuine. Before you know it, you will meet someone who likes you back - and you will already share a mutual interest.

I don't quite understand your posts. You say you are a PhD student, but then you say you are 'not doing research yet'. That does not make sense to me, because, by definition, a PhD student does research. How have I misinterpreted your words?

I am curious about any changes you have had since watching these videos. Have you noticed differences in thinking or behaviour? Give me some examples of those changes, whether big or small, permanent or fleeting. Have you applied them consciously or were they spontaneous? In what way have they impacted your life? Thank you.

I felt the impact, the huge breakthrough, the answer. I have to change. I have been freed. I am no longer stuck! I have to change. I feel liberated and now I have a purpose. I feel this deep in my bones. I get it! I have to change.

For me, the only true philosophers are the ones who start with the premise that there is no 'meaning'. This subject is explored by countless writers, however I think that it is worth reading 'Every cradle is a grave: rethinking the ethics of birth and suicide' by Sarah Perry. She discusses how meaning operates and its various illusions and mechanisms. The task of constructing personal meaning, knowing it is an illusion, is an interesting path.

Hi Thanatos13. I really hear you. I understand everything you have said. I lived with such thoughts for many years. It was grinding and unrelenting. I had non-stop suicidal ideation for years, although it gave me great relief to think there was way out if I needed it. I don't know if you think you are depressed - you might not - but I was (am?). The label 'major depressive disorder' seems to fit me. My parents met in a mental hospital. So there is that. There have been many components for me to wade through: physical, environmental, early programming, family dynamics, emotional, psychological, spiritual, relationships... you name it. Each one was a weighty contributor to my darkness. Figuring out the puzzle that I was/am has been a confusing life-long struggle. However, I am now leaving the narrative behind (mostly). These days I am not unhappy, despairing, or angry - actually I am relatively content - but I am still dysfunctional. I can't make myself do what I want to. I avoid going out. So I am left with frustration and maybe a little bit of crazy. It feels like this is the last thing I have to overcome and it has strong energy. Tomorrow I have pledged to myself that I will go to the a paint shop to select paint and brushes. I intend to paint just one wall of one room - breaking things down into bite-size steps. I also intend to take my dog for a walk. If I can do this, I will feel the day to be successful and I will feel more energized than not. It is humiliating to only be able to achieve such small things. I once was hyper functional. Go figure. It was like I had a stoke - even though I didn't. Just to hang out a basket of washing was a major battle. But I am starting to accept that it is what it is. I hope I have not said anything to irritate you. I remember being terribly irritable and hyper critical when people spoke to me. I am still hyper sensitive, but have my eye on it. Better go. Starting to rave. Wishing you well.

I am an avoider. I retreat to my room and the days, months, pass. My 'drugs' of choice are food and the internet, reading, daydreaming and sleeping. Ironlcally, I know much about mindfulness and can observe my thoughts successfully, and even observe myself observing my thoughts. My favourite mindfulness voices are Eckhart Tolle, Jon Kabat-Zinn, Thich Nhat Hanh, Pema Chodron... I am well read in all sorts of material from Tao de Ching to the Koran, from philosophers to medieval fairy tales. I also majored in Science and Technology policy, which examines the philosophy of science. Yet here I am. Default again. Deeply mired in my particular form of crazy. Stuck. Recently I found Leo's videos and, as I watched them, it occurred to me that they too could become part of my avoidance. Although his material rings true to me, and reconfirms what I know, I realize that - in the back of my mind - I am hooking into his material to justify another 200 hours of avoidance. Yep, It is time for me to take a deep breath, close the laptop, and walk into the world slowly and thoughtfully. It is time for me to start 'drawing the water and chopping the wood' - at least during the daytime. I know it will feel unpleasant, but It is time for me to deal with this avoidance issue. Now. Wish me luck everyone.