Mu_

Sounds like you connected with the truest aspect of your heart.

Since you make a decent amount of money, I think you may find some use out of working with someone 1 on 1. You may get good advice here, but if you can afford to try somethings like get a massage, this can help cut some of the stress out of the body if your at a critical level like it sounds you are, find a life/spirituality coach or psychologist, and stick with it for a few sessions to see what comes of it.

Let me ask you some silly questions that may help shed some light. Why do you need to trust people and why do you care if you do or do not? Could you not be yourself and let people be untrustworthy (wether its true of them or not) and judge you? Think about it, it may be revealing.... Also meditation is shown to move you up the spiral if that what your interested in and can help one become more compassionate and empathetic.

I think these are interesting questions, but need more context. What are you looking for, and perhaps what are you dealing with that makes you want to look for this thing?

Thinking about suicide and having thoughts of it are one thing, lots of people go through this, but aren't serious about doing it, which is a good thing. You don't sound serious about doing it, another good thing. Perhaps you should ask yourself what are the things you do like about being a live, and do more of those and dont worry about what it means to have some suicidal thoughts occasionally. If you are seriously considering and feel a lot of emotion to do so, then call a hotline or seek some help privately or with family, it can open up things.

You ever practice meditation before? It can be good at teaching you how to learn to drop going into your thoughts and emotions (takes practice). As you do it more and more you become better at not being sucked into these things and are then more at ease. Start small like commit 5-15 mins a day. I think leo's got some videos on meditation, or you can simpley choose to sit for 10 mins and just focus on the sensation in your feet. Everytime you catch yourself going into thought, wether its something about the past or the the future, just come bac kto the sensation of your feet. This can help ground you in your body with time and less in mental activity.

Hey again Zeldor, So you sound like your still pretty young, how old are you again? You may want to find a job so you can start to become financially independent and gain some life experience (mabye even buy the LP course for yourself). Are there any examples of people who do what you would want to do? IF so who? What are the skills and knowledge they have? What could you do or learn to bring you closer to that? Those are places I'd start. you can even share your answers if you need more guidance.

Hey nothing, For starters I'd look into a few conclusions you've made. 1. That money within your LP will poison it. This may be true from where your currently at, but not inherently so, you seem to have a gauge on that it is poisening you now, but does it have to remain. Perhaps looking into your relationship to money can enlighten you. 2. Don't worry about being orange, or green or purple, etc.... Just look at your life honestly. Do you need to earn a living? If yes, then ask yourself what you'd be interested in doing that can earn you a living. If you can't earn a living just yet doing what you would enjoy, can you put some time and energy in getting that started while you find a job that can pay you now. Does this new job have to be looked at as slavery, it it possible to see it as a blessing getting you to your desire, and appreciate the job in the now, as such. Almost like the job is connected to your passion job, one and the same

Is it just me or does it seem impossible to place yourself on a theoretical spiral graph. I mean how can anyone say how much of their ego is still left or how much awareness, non-duality, oneness one has realized. I mean its fun and all, but it just seems like a good choose your own adventure on where you think your at, at this point in time, or how ones reflection on themselves/characteristic at a given moment could be summarized to fit neatly on a spiral graph of identification?

Are you comfortable looking into a mirror for a few minutes. Do you notice any self judgements? These can be good places to start inquiring into why you feel this way about yourself and can lead to better authenticity and accepting of yourself. This translates to just being you in conversation.

What he said......

A good place to start is why are you interested in self-inquiry? Of all the things in the world to go towards whats bringing you to this subject?

Yes?

Ok ramana....

Lol at the title. Haha love and kindness.

Pretty cool man, sounds like it could be a life changing thing. You may want to ask the ashram directly, I'm sure there are lots in the same boat. I'm sure there will be odd jobs of some sort that can be created or found (most likely under the table, since your not a resident).

Good point, one I think Ken said as well. If thats what it is, then I get it more, although within this spiral thing at yellow/turq it does seem to cross into the realm of non-duality/oneness/truth area. However still higher development, lower development, arent these all just same same with labels of something called higher than that, and lower then that. I mean a beaver builds damns, are we higher because we build what we call superior damns? Or more developed because we can type on a computer or appear to have more meaningful conversations. I mean beavers can hold their breath longer than you or I Aren't these emotional/moral/cultural developments just a matter of preference and how the organisim see's/feels/tastes/touches/sense at a particular snip of time pointing at it. Dont get me wrong, I prefer what would be called a general higher development encouraging some sense of order and non-rapiness, but is this higher on a actual line of development? I do wonder, is there an actual evolution along these lines like SD depicts or is it more of a here are now as a result of god, and its not really so linear or needing of some sort of life over time or lifetimes? I honestly dont know.....

Fair point, I was actually going to delete my post because of this point exactly, I don't want to take away from anyone helping themselves with something. Although I did not actually say delusional, but yes perhaps a little critical. I still may delete it shortly after a question to Leo...

Forget what these other guys are saying, even though I like them and they speak with the truth of their own experience and beliefs. What is not being shared is the fact that you are exactly where you are as reality itself. What do you want in your life now, just live man, be kind, and see over the course of your life what works, causes you and other suffering and change as you want/will/have no choice in. These theoretical stages on a spiral are just a pie chart dissecting this reality in a way that is just theory (with yes some theoretical pointing and truth). Are you happy in general? IF so just leave this spiritual shit behind and carry on. Trust me, the time will come (maybe your on this journey now) when you will want to look more into Truth and things will move on their own and with your interest..... If not, then this spiritual stuff is an option and may be a key to your destiny and happiness (in which case, listen to these guys .

I think Preetom is right on. Also don't worry to much what Yoooooouuuuuu think the mind will do or not, its like worrying about what number a random number generator will land on. Its okay to be no-body doing nothing. Accept the time of being as it is, motivationless or if theres motivation go with that to its natural conclusion. By the sound of it the current you/your mind is judging your none action/motivationlessness according how society see's such things This sounds like I place I lived for a while and the hardest part was just being what ever I was moment to moment, because I constantly judged the time/experience in a way that I've been taught. As a result of being raised in common society, we are taught to be productive in some particular success driven way or producing relevant things (art, volunteering, being of use to society, etc) and when we no longer feel driven or motivated by such its labeled as a problem or depression or you need to "seek" help. This dialogue has probably been yelled at to you by your own mind now, or friends or family who think your in a problematic state. I literally just worked, came home and watched videos of enlightened people not even listening to what they had to say, but just feeling their presence. My ears would of course be working and involuntarily picking up this or that, but I was not trying to find or listen to anything. Learning interestingly enough still took to place and slowly new functioning and perspectives emerged on their own without much trying. reminding ones self of these new truths were both spontaneous and something I would feel like I did to bring those truths back to for front. Hopefully your following what Im pointing to here. Stay strong, its not easy in phases like this, but just relax, the worst that can happen is you do nothing.

Not being on instagram does not mean you don't fit into society. Just let people know you'd rather be doing other things if they ask why.

Ya this same realization hit me a few years ago as well, after about 15 years of seeking I think I knew so much and was vry right and wrongy about things within the views of liberation I learned. Very liberating to let it go and expand.

This has been common in my experience as well.

How much does it shit in the woods? I think its a really good question, one as a 20 year spiritual practitioner have found myself blindly thinking suffering goes on more then it maybe does. I can see how this has formed a perhaps false idea of reality, and served as a reason to feel as though I have a solution to all this suffering (not to say the spiritual life and lessons can uplift or benefit humanity). Its also weighed on my heart in a belief that reality is a lot worse then maybe it actually. I mean if we are to take into account any use of happiness surveys that ask how much a person feels content for what ever reasons that feel they are content, or summarize how they feel during a question of if they are happy, who is to say thats not happy? From what I've read it seems like people stat being relatively happy/content 50-70%. Interesting though that this is across 100 or so countries (a really interesting side fact is all countries when asked what do they think is the average level of happiness of the general population, they answer 30-50% lower then reported). Its really easy to think everyone deep down is really just a mess and suffering, and perhaps it is this way, but the percentage of people that have psychological issues (anxiety, depression of all levels, bi-polar, suicide statistics, etc) It's maybe 20% of the population. Sure maybe people are "self" medicating via drugs, alcohol, and food, and what ever craving we can think of, but perhaps some of this is a projection onto a generalized whole from a spiritual slant. I mean I believe a lot of the people who get into spirituality and the ones that awakened to something greater, had a lot going on, perhaps more then the average joe, their experience of humanity may not be a actual reflection of the human condition. Im no expert, but if I had to guess the general okayness/not suffering/kinda content of the general population is 40-50%, 20-30% pretty happy (even if its not for reasons of self knowing, bliss, god recognition) and then a gradual gradation going down into the into unhappy/suffering levels. Still lots to improve, its just not what I think the people who are really suffering and seeking spirituality generally think. Again I'm talking about general feelings of ones life, not if there isn't impactful emotional moments or tragedies, I think these are more common and most people face stuff that is regarded as hardship, but I'm not sure if that makes "most" people not like their life

What is your goal, what are you looking for to begin with?