Mu_

I see, Is it your experience now that there is no future or past or is it just a belief at this point? Also whats changed since your enlightening moment that makes you feel like you lost it? Wouldn't your experience now be of the infinite intelligence happening as what ever is taking place in the now believed/felt experience of loosing it? How could the actuality of the recognition not be happening?

Your getting a lot of good pointers here. Let me ask you this, what did you realize in those 10 seconds? Did you realize the definition that you gave joseph maynor? IFFFF so, then isn't all that is currently happening now and in all future and past moments that infinity wether your having that direct "enlightening moment". If your experience was not the definition you gave, what was it exactly, I may be able to speak to that....

Can you confront the situation with your dad in a sane way or will it become abusive? If its a dead end path that you've tried to rectify over time with no result, its sometimes the best choice to move out on your own, that alone can change some of the things your depressed about as long as you believe you did the right thing, because if you don't you may live with guilt then. Negative environments can create and feed depression, and I know on a more absolute level you can see your role in it, but there is a environmental role to these things to outside of choice. I understand why you would want to bring your mom with you, she's suffering to under this situation to probably. Can you have a heart to heart with your mom on these matters without your dads knowledge so you can come to a good decision on these matters for the both of you so you can have peace making a choice?

Thats also a very good point, but its also true that you can keep on loving blue and red and they remain destructive in some area's and maybe its best to let blue and red be over there and not in a discussion of a particular nature that is gonna trigger them or that they will unconsciously turn into a aggressive debate. Man that sounds higher then though, but it is so not, haha. All that said, I dont see in red blue actually, but I get the metaphor and perhaps its best up to a point to love and guide and point, but then when the hand that your helping keeps lashing out and cutting you, you may need to remove or ban....

Well said.

I was in your shoes man, and I'd been on this journey 15 years. I can tell you without a doubt there is something to discover. However, just because you feel and see the way you do now doesn't mean your on the wrong path. If you truely want to know who you are and the truth of the world, dont be afraid to drop all searching and do something worldy or non-sensical for a while leaving searching behind FULL STOP. The desire to know will reveal itself in some form in your new quest, just live life as you feel.

Have you inquired honestly into why you do this? Thats a good place to start. If your confused, put some of your answers here, and maybe you can get some perspective.

The animal kingdom was suffering long before humans arrived. The birth and death of life has been going on far longer then the animal kingdom. Isn't it possible that the universe has created all this, not the people? Universe through the people who see their "selfs" as choosers of creating what you call created by humanity? Not saying there isn't some free will out there but just how much? If you feel/see a vision of something that you feel will improve something or can be beneficial in a moment of action towards your fellow man, by all means manifest it, but let in the possibility that its coming from a bigger vision and will than your own.

I dont know what your exact definition of mathamatics is, but isn't it true that functional things can be made without math? Trial and error, perhaps intuition and observation and experimentation can build a hut, a modest bridge, a filtration system. So if things can be built without "math" perhaps aliens can build spaceships without math. One million aliens may of went into the process of this experimentation and perhaps our math could of saved them time and effort and life, but doesn't mean it was needed to build what we use math to build.

Hey Uchira, I think a good place to start is asking yourself honestly why are you sad and dark. Really face these with no judgement of yourself or others. Really there is absolutely nothing wrong with any feeling or belief or, anything you did or someone else did in your past. Your more than any of these things. Don't be afraid of anything. You can open up here and perhaps we can give you some insight that will be helpful. Also stop with the drugs right now and for a while till you get some clarity in your life. Until then they seem like things you beat yourself up over.

I think we can only speculate why reality is the way it is, but I will say it being a void is only very partial is it not, isn't it also amazing, terrifying, mysterious, hilarious, meaningless, graspable, ungraspable, and then mysterious again....

You should read about and look into western doctors accounts and mysteries about people dying according the western definition and yet come back alive somehow (usually in ways that defy western medicine) and then proceed to tell the doctors what they saw and heard that lines up with what was going on, when they were supposedly dead. Not saying this proves anything, but will make you wonder just what is consciousness and how was it still going on in so called death.

Science has proved consciousness is created by the brain? News to me. Can you share the articles that "prove" this?

Is life an illusion? Is Leo right? What does it feel like to believe life is an illusion? Is this idea you have of what it would mean for life to be an illusion correct and in alignment with actual life, or is your idea of what living life as though it were an illusion, just that...an idea? What Leo means by illusion or anyone for that matter may be very different things..... Careful what you let in as your inner belief on life, it will have effects on how you live. How does it feel to let in the possibility that life is actually real and something positive that you can contribute to?

1st person self and 3rd person self are all one self and more then this one self currently realizes. You are the awareness within/of all these. Recognizing this more and more can grow what you call first person self into a self that is embarrassing of all that 3rd person self recognizes in a way that is tangible and felt. Listening to Brittanys advice (through introspection, dedication and understanding) can help with this shift. Meditation, practice of gratitude, and recognizing just how you experience through mind/body can all help in this development. Be open to the teachings of many enlightened people and integrate what you understand into your life. This will change first person POV. Also cuddo's to you for being so young and open to all this. I will point out some dimensions in your thinking that may help you in your development. Yes resistance to "what is" can cause suffering, however what you've defined as "what is" is only partial. It is on the one hand "what is" from your 1st POV and there for it is a "what is", however this "what is" is your current felt and seen belief system which is creating "what is". This is not a inherent "what is", like a fire under your skin causing burning, its one that you create. Its not a "what is" defined by the objective universe, its only defined by you and those who agree with you (other humans). There are other humans who perhaps you have not met in your circle that do not see your "what is" as you do, and probably find you attractive, funny and a cool small guy to hang out with. Your negative idea's of yourself is creating your "what is" (and yes these idea's are very likely inherited by your influences around you like your peers, the t.v. movies you watch and a long history of similar thinking over the last ?? million years). Hope this helps

Great, if you do find something, let me know, I have a follow up question if so.

Sounds like you connected with the truest aspect of your heart.

Since you make a decent amount of money, I think you may find some use out of working with someone 1 on 1. You may get good advice here, but if you can afford to try somethings like get a massage, this can help cut some of the stress out of the body if your at a critical level like it sounds you are, find a life/spirituality coach or psychologist, and stick with it for a few sessions to see what comes of it.

Let me ask you some silly questions that may help shed some light. Why do you need to trust people and why do you care if you do or do not? Could you not be yourself and let people be untrustworthy (wether its true of them or not) and judge you? Think about it, it may be revealing.... Also meditation is shown to move you up the spiral if that what your interested in and can help one become more compassionate and empathetic.

I think these are interesting questions, but need more context. What are you looking for, and perhaps what are you dealing with that makes you want to look for this thing?

Thinking about suicide and having thoughts of it are one thing, lots of people go through this, but aren't serious about doing it, which is a good thing. You don't sound serious about doing it, another good thing. Perhaps you should ask yourself what are the things you do like about being a live, and do more of those and dont worry about what it means to have some suicidal thoughts occasionally. If you are seriously considering and feel a lot of emotion to do so, then call a hotline or seek some help privately or with family, it can open up things.

You ever practice meditation before? It can be good at teaching you how to learn to drop going into your thoughts and emotions (takes practice). As you do it more and more you become better at not being sucked into these things and are then more at ease. Start small like commit 5-15 mins a day. I think leo's got some videos on meditation, or you can simpley choose to sit for 10 mins and just focus on the sensation in your feet. Everytime you catch yourself going into thought, wether its something about the past or the the future, just come bac kto the sensation of your feet. This can help ground you in your body with time and less in mental activity.

Hey again Zeldor, So you sound like your still pretty young, how old are you again? You may want to find a job so you can start to become financially independent and gain some life experience (mabye even buy the LP course for yourself). Are there any examples of people who do what you would want to do? IF so who? What are the skills and knowledge they have? What could you do or learn to bring you closer to that? Those are places I'd start. you can even share your answers if you need more guidance.

Hey nothing, For starters I'd look into a few conclusions you've made. 1. That money within your LP will poison it. This may be true from where your currently at, but not inherently so, you seem to have a gauge on that it is poisening you now, but does it have to remain. Perhaps looking into your relationship to money can enlighten you. 2. Don't worry about being orange, or green or purple, etc.... Just look at your life honestly. Do you need to earn a living? If yes, then ask yourself what you'd be interested in doing that can earn you a living. If you can't earn a living just yet doing what you would enjoy, can you put some time and energy in getting that started while you find a job that can pay you now. Does this new job have to be looked at as slavery, it it possible to see it as a blessing getting you to your desire, and appreciate the job in the now, as such. Almost like the job is connected to your passion job, one and the same