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Theres a few things going on here it seems. Judging by the statement above you sound ilke your trying to mentally fit into some idea of what it means to be god or free or spiritual. Like you read somewhere enlightened people dont want or lack, so you've tried to emulate or become that. A good place to start is just admit, your not enlightened and you dont know what it would mean to be, just stop trying to play a game of trying to be enlightened or believing you are, or close. You also seem like you may be in a spiritual transformation phase, I'll explain. You had an experience of waking up to some peace and perhaps some realization of a greater Truth, but there is still old beliefs and energies/emotions that you hold or believe yourself to be. One of these energies is like a person wanting to do something with their discoveries/bored with their discoveries. I'm sure there are moments were this feeling and energy isn't happening, and then out of the blue "it" happens and you feel discontent and want to do something with this peace you see emerging or start thinking what it means or what your supposed to do. This can be a hard place to be in, some traditions call it sitting in the fire of your karma/ego dying. Next time you sit in meditation, just wait at peace, and notice the moment this feeling/belief/energy comes up, notice how it makes experience feel (dont look for it, dont generate it, dont wait for it). Then notice when it passes, even if it doesn't. If it feels like there is a way to drop it, do so, if not, let it be there. Keep repeating this in meditation and in your daily life when you notice this experience arise. You may begin to organically see that this boredom and wanting to control or do something with this peace is just thoughts and emotions arising, that you can get caught in and in so doing you believe yourself to be this and its story.

Well what exactly did you realize? It sounds like in your description that you see some undisturbed peace in your inner experience from a distance, but its not embodied. Like you can point to it and go oh, thats cool and peaceful, but it seems boring and what am I supposed to do with this peaceful object thing over there, and ultimately you feel mostly bored more so then at peace. Does that make sense or feel accurate?

Well meditation will definitely create something other then your use to and I'd imagine it could be felt as dreamlike and unreal. But what do you want Truth for? If lifes good, why look for anything else?

Stop using the word illusion, its to easy to feel and believe its negatively meaningless. Instead appreciate all of what is like a little adventure in Virtual Reality. The void is one of many adventures of Being VR, and one adventure is called childhood, another adulthood, another is sex, vacations, work, relationships, success, failure, confusion, bonding, fear.

Can you explain what you mean you went through a psychosis? Can you explain what you mean by de-realization? Honestly what are you trying to find in these practices your doing? Your life sounds like its going very well, is that not enough? Why not just live your life, who cares about so called better spiritual stuff?

So what do you want instead? What do you mean you can't except it?

Some things to think about and expand yourself. First of all, would you say the free-will vs determinism debate generally still comes from the mindset or belief paradigm that there is an individual either having free will or no free will? If its possible that theres no-self to begin with so to say, then were's the question of having free-will or no-free will? I only bring this up because I have a sneaking suspicion there is still "someone" in there who has an idea they no longer have free will instead of seeing this "someone" for what it is. Sounds like your protecting yourself or are trying to fit a "no free will" idea that you believe or want to fit into. And no I'm not saying this "someone" shouldn't be there, its so to say there or happening, as is everything, love this, let it be there, dont try to fit an idea, simply drop the ideas and let what IS, IS.

@Shmurda Oh another semi common one is sexual or war trauma. These would fall under Deep Trauma's for many.

Its not exactly what is a example of a deep trauma, because the above could be a deep trauma for some, but the degree of difficulty and working through and facing such matters is what in my opinion would define it to be either deep or a little. Like some deep traumas are so deep that when faced one can lose their will to live while working with it or cause one to not be able to function cognitively like they use to, the world may become very foreign and how you thought things were fundamentally will radically shift to a degree that it will feel like your learning from scratch (and along with this is a tremendous fear, rawness, the feeling in any moment you may lose it, that you may not make it through this, and if it continues for long periods you may begin to wonder if this is the way you will always be and the thought of such is so heavy and real that you may go into depression). You may also find yourself to be expressing in ways that are fundamentally different then you were up to the point of working with such trauma. You may be a raging asshole or feel such rage and hate or disgust that was never there before, but is there for hours, off and on for days, weeks, months and really takes everything in you to work with and through or accept/understand. Or you may of been the most unmaterialistic person and then suddenly your the opposite and not only dealing with this new you, your also dealing with the radical shift and confusion of how you shifted so quickly and to the opposite everything you've been before. And yes these are just a few of ones I'm sharing from my own experience. Some of these that I've briefly shared I think can stem from your immediate relationships of family or go deeper ancestrally/past life or even just characteristics of being male+human, or a combination of the two so to say.

@Ancestor This is really well said, the only thing I'd clarify is about "illusion" which also answers your secondary questions. But first a few things need to be said first and understood perhaps. Now you may have noticed by now that words some how mean something to you as you read this sentence and all the sentences you encounter, magical isnt it, and even when you don't understand what your reading, there's still understanding of the experience "not understanding". Curious isn' it dont rush to define how (theres philosophies and theories you could invest your life reading since theres a ton of them which may never get you to the actual reason), just notice how there's consciousness of "whats happening", pretty much all the time. For now lets just call it a part of your being-ness, and there are others that in time you may begin to notice, integrate and in so the experience of experience and being in time will change. Now "illusion" is just a word, however most minds will hear this and interpret it to mean something, like a lot of westerners hear it and think "Oh, its just illusion, its not real, nothings important, non of this is real, its just a dream right, a thought, a empty thing", feelings of meaninglessness and sometimes idea's and desires to just not give a shit about anything will manifest. This isn't what the insight of @Johnny5 is saying. The information is just an unraveling of what a lot of minds and materialists assume about the outside/inside world is. It should leave a big question mark of unknown, perhaps mysteriousness to experience or atleast eventually as you work through your unique reaction to letting this information in. @Johnny5 post is also not saying nothing is real. "Nothing is real" is just words experienced as you read them. If there was TRUELY nothing, there would be no anything to experience, and there would be no experience or stuff to experience about. Since your new you have not encountered books or people saying a lot about something called "nothingness", and perhaps this is a good thing because a lot of them like to make claims about there is actual "nothing" when its actually either pointing to a experience/insight or an ideology which is often misquoted.

@ardacigin Congrats, but just out of curiosity, did it just take one time to see through this and it passed? If so congrats. Then again, I wouldn't call that deep trauma, perhaps very light trauma. Not trying to diminish anything your saying, but deep trauma is a whole other ball game and will shake you to your core and working though such matters will test you greatly, if not make you question your foundational core and everything you think you know and have learned. All your insight and meditation skills will be tested and probably fail to some degree and IF your sanity hasn't been tested and perhaps tested over periods of time far greater then you would ever like it to be (perhas days, months, even years), I wouldn't use the words deep trauma. I'd wish it on no one, but in retrospect having gone through a few myself, I can say it can defiantly strengthen you and put some things into perspective.

I would never, lol But ya I get what your saying and I like it, its a healthy good perspective, it feels good, I said what I said to also point to something as well. But thank you for the insight.

Sure sure, but how is that infinity stands out from itself as you've stated?

Whats gone to far and feels its to late, what believes a thing called life is meaningless? Sounds like just idea's to me. Stop and look at how these are just ideas and how they effect you emotionally and how you relate in the moment, I bet they've created a pretty depressive outlook on whats happening and whats going or possible to happen.

@Max_V Ya I feel you man, its overwhelming how much death and suffering there is out there. Its infinite. And your right, your single body is powerless to change that fact. You can only do what you can and feel driven towards. Stop putting so much obligation on your shoulders, the universe is not putting that demand on you. Its okay not to feel and think about every possible tragedy, loss or unfortunate thing happening. You can equally think about every positive thing happening and how wonderful that is for that. Its in your hands how you want to relate to this so to say and as a result what time of life experience will transpire. Can you see that. By what you've shared, I don't know if you will be able to accept this now, but maybe in time as you see deeper into this issue, you will see that death and life are intertwined, suffering and pleasure are intertwined. Wars lead to and are not separate from the freedom and change that can occur as the victor is determined. Organisms being eaten or displaced in the process of another species gain or development are often two simultaneous happenings of loss and prosperity. But again these examples may only help one part of your mind/soul. You and what seems to be happening externally is all One happening of "....." that is something beyond words in action, and its so whole. Sure some things may never logically or emotionally make sense, and thats ok as well. So much is mysterious and happening out of anythings control.

I like your positive sentiment and I'm pretty sure its useful to some who read this (I've often said the same thing myself), but between you and I, what exactly is this supposed "you" in the standing out and whats it standing out above or below?

Your getting a range of advice and avenues to look into, and encourage you to look into what feels right. What I'd be curious in hearing from you is whats wrong with comfort in sadness melancholy? Like where does this rule come from that its unhealthy and is it, is it really? Might be a mind bender, but.....

This is a profound insight honestly, and ties together the whole package so to say. But if you don't have any other of those insights, theres nothing to tie together so to say, lol. Its funny, there is so much more, but at the same time your never lacking even in not realizing such, nor will be lacking if they so to say are not seen, while at the same time if they were to become awake so to say, this insight you are sharing is EVEN MORE PROFOUND, while at the same time its all going to be equal in the realization that its ALL ".....". This insight is a real ego check for some, particularly if you feel like you've reached super high places in comparison to others and some how feel special or like you've earned some badge because you put so much effort into it and as a result you hold this badge like its 1st place or that somehow effort makes one stand out or it makes one more important.

Great, but again this isn't Solipsism, not by the definition and intent of the creator of the philosophy nor those that argue for and against solipsism. If you personally want to call it that, fine, but don't be surprised if people argue with you. Its just like if you wanted to call a dog a cat and wanted to argue about it.

Ok I'll bite. Ok I am sentient as well, here I am, here it is, I read what you typed just now and see it, no need to prove as you said. You say your experiencing the same thing, Are you saying that I should have doubt in your recognition of proof of being or question if its really true since I can't experience it? If so why should you believe your own experience then if I can't prove you exist, since my experience is the only proof of reality?

No I'm not trying to control how you respond, but I am asking you to put yourself on the otherside or the other shoe. Maybe take a few hours and cool down and think about the question. But again "if you have ideas of someone that they dont like would you like them to tell you nicely or at least inquire into what you mean or your reasoning or go ape shit and attack and accuse you before you have a chance to explain your intentions? " For example I could assume your a total monster and will never learn anything and feel this way because its how I perceived your responses, OR I can ask and inquire and try to better understand you and your reasoning before taking actions or making aggressive comments towards you. Do you get what I'm saying? Your actions create the world so to say.

So if you have ideas of someone that they dont like would you like them to tell you nicely or at least inquire into what you mean or your reasoning or go ape shit and attack and accuse you before you have a chance to explain your intentions?

@Roy Calm down a little and don't jump to such conclusions of someones intentions, you really went off on this person without any evidence that he meant what you thought he meant. Sure he said an analogy, but it doesn't mean the analogy itself is inherently degrading since it can and is used both ways and it sometimes it can be used in play, and sometimes it can be used just as an expression, and sometimes it can be used in a way that is less encompassing of a persons totality. Even if he was a little disrespectful (which I didn't feel he was) is your attack at him going to help him see another way? Most likely an attack on him like that will just make him more defensive and may even reinforce a belief of women that they are just bat shit crazy around women that they are just crazy people (I say this because i'd imagine a person who sees women as objects is more likely to have other stereo typical idea as well).

Lol, no one here? So why make a thread in which it appears theres someone who wants to learn something? Then why all the appearance of a person (who claims they are no-one thats not here) who's not agreeing with any of the experience or advice on the matter "no-one" made a post about. Seriously man, your just doing whats called the Advita Shuffle, using No-self and no-body as a way to hide behind any type of self reflection or a way to defend against any info that is not in alignment with your believed awakening.

pages 6-7 of your responses to me are rather like hey man the shit I know is deep, and you need to look at this stuff. Another one is basically a defense to a comment I made about your angry posting tone that I perceived and asked you about. Again must of been my perception not yours. Theres another 2-3 threads where I've experienced or witnessed this in you with others that its not worth it to me to comb through, but again its probably just my perception (and honestly it could be, which is why I asked if your angry).