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Why are speculation and idea's any less True then the passing of "looking at hand" or sensory experience? Are not both equal as experience? Can you see at times that your definition of Truth seems to hinge on your definitions of Truth to be so. Why something is Truth and why something isn't all hinging on..... "......"?

Breaks are good. Invest in what your heart is now interested. Down the road with new perspective, you may see all this in a new light.

What are you labeling as hatred, selfish, inferior, compared and self-love? See if you can lock down a definition of each before you then try and make a comparison or distinction.

I think bipolargrowth said some good things for you that you connected with, so keep reflecting on this. His second paragraph in particular I'd read some more and I'll expand off a few things below. This is deep stuff. Read your original post again, and see if theres anything that doesn't sit true, like you just said it because you believed it to be true and it isn't actually or really known to be. I do think there is a self hating like pattern and I think its something that you've gotten truely in touch with. However don't let it be the full picture or conclude you Absolutely hate yourself, leave room for what you don't know. Something worth trying when you get into this pattern, is don't wiggle away from whats going on, and DONT blame or shame or tell yourself this is wrong, bad or shouldn't be this way, just let the energies/pattern of whats happening happen. At some point when your in the thick of this, just be like ya I hate myself and I get enjoyment for this for some reason, if thats what feels so true. Really own it without shame or blame or some idea it shouldn't be this way or its a sin that its happening. Just own it. Then ask yourself what do I get out of this and how long do I want to do this. Honestly look at if this behavior is getting you closer to what you want in life or in the moment or not. Don't rush this to some idea you think you need to get to, like you must answer in a way that is some how good or to make you stop. Be as honest with yourself as possible and own that honesty and see what changes. Maybe you will hate yourself to some degree for some time longer, maybe not, maybe you will see that its not serving you anymore and you'll naturally be able to go yeah, I'm done with this. Or maybe you will still do it, get some sort of satisfaction and it will pass naturally when your not blaming and shaming and holding onto the idea's of what it means about you. However, if you do want this to change, accept that it won't happen over night or over weeks, it may take time and to accept the time it takes to change and give space around the issue. Don't blame yourself that its not happening as fast as you'd like, just accept change takes time and take the baby steps and ups and down it will take to let the change occur. Feel free to message in the future if this is confusing or need further advice.

This sounds like a lot to unpack here and a complicated one to work out in a forum post. Lets start with relativism. How do you understand relativism and what role are you playing in this?

Ya I get you. Keep it up. Just be careful with ultimate statements. Why tell XXX negativity will and can haunt you again? What good or use or truth is this? You can get a little worked up, perhaps a little cocky, and maybe a little insensitive at times. Just be mindful. Also I'm not sure I follow that Oneness can be separate? What would separate itself from itself? Only god is between stuff, and as a result its never not God and never separation.

Haha, dont let my youtube channel fool you into thinking I'm wealthy, I make no money on it. I'm pretty average by society standards, perhaps lower class for the boston area. I'm happy to hear your as content with your life as you are, its a great place to be. Ya what I shared is pretty basic enlightenment 101, but that basic lesson does go very deep. Deeper then I've taken it. I'm not sure i agree that this is all philosophical, and not practical, but ya, this ground IS. If you want to use the words, pain, suffering, happiness, love and all that, I'm ok with that.

Well the subtly to what I'm pointing to is that "physical" pain can't be separated from as you call the mental and/or elements out of ones control. One guy sprains a leg, no big deal. Guy two sprains his leg and its the worse physical pain he's ever known and needs to be taken to the hospital, can't eat, sleep, complains at the top of his lungs. Guy one, not only sprains his leg, but continues to run a marathon, get in a fight and sleeps just fine at the end of the day. Guy one goes on to heal his leg, doesn't think anything of it, life doesn't change. Guy two is afraid to play sports, go down stairs, do anything that could possible hurt his leg again. Develops back pain as a result of muslce disorders because his walk is constrained due to the guy protecting his leg even though there is no injury to it any longer. Example 2: One person can put needles through their arm no pain, or perhaps some discomfort. Person two almost has a heart attack, nearly dies, freaks the fuck out, goes through excruciating pain. Do you see what I'm pointing to? Pain is not a you do this to the body, it does this in response, and as a result it means its a horrible or good thing about life, the individual, or the causer of such. And I hear your points as well, and agree, not everyone is prepared for every type of pain or issue and as a result discomfort and suffering will and does happen. What this means about life is another matter which I also point out as well. Such does make life itself horrible, good, right, wrong, malicious, sad, not worth living, and many others that get added onto ones outlook as a result of going through difficult, painful, suffering, hard times (and yes this unavoidable to). Again, I never made a claim in this topic that life is love or happiness itself. I will say though, its not negative.

Im sorry if you've taken my actions this way. Can you point out how in this instance I said your lacking perspective? I just introduced stuff and said if your interested there may be something there if intrigued. I've agreed with some of your points and felt differently on others. I often take the side of bringing more into the picture for perspective sake. Can you point out where I'm not looking at your perspective because i believe mine is more coherent and larger? Not that it bothers me but your first comment on the last page which seemed partially targeted at me since it seemed very targeted at the type of wisdom you thought was woo woo or unicornical and was right under my post, "I always say it's easy to talk philosophy as long as you're living a comfortable life. But what happens when someone comes and rapes and tortures you? All of the sudden, you'll be suffering and in pain. All of these unicornical ideas about happiness and peace of mind will fly out of the window. And you will be left with hatred towards life and God and everything. Hippies on drugs won't understand, because the high effect is stronger. But drugs don't last forever." This was right after I was responding to Someonehere on some views about happiness. None of it was about saying life is love, happiness, and nothing else, that was never my claim and none of it was responding to you in anyways. Maybe you lumped me into a larger idea going on in this topic or something that rubs you the wrong way about such idea's. Also to your same point your bringing to my attention, how was a response like you gave at all respectful of what I was talking to someonehere about. If anything it seems like you made no consideration or responded to anything I said, just gave some idea's you had with utmost certainty and called such notions as unicornical. I then went on to explain in a non condescending way my points about such claims. Perhaps I've taken a position in the past, but in this instance it seems like its not the case, and it is perhaps you who should take in your own criticism in this instance (I honestly don't care if you do or not, but since you seem interested in this line of respect). Im open to hearing your side and looking at this more, but as of now I've said my piece. Also in my brief recollection of our past talks, youve asked me questions or challenged notions and I would go about explaining my reasoning (Your not the only one on this forum who's done this, its pretty much the norm). Not once have you I felt you took anything into consideration, which is odd, since it was you who asked, and most of your responses have been on the defensive convinced end of he spectrum (again, a very common norm). I'll try and be more aware in future exchanges, and please bring up anything you feel in regard to such, but as of right now, I've said what I feel is true, even if I'm wrong.

Reconcile with peace goodness and love? That was never my intent to do so, nor is there a need to. I was merely pointing to new mountaintops and vantage points. I get you man, I TOTALLY get you. I spent years in this frustration of trying to reconcile what I heard from teachers about life BEING love and happiness and peace and would get so hateful and angry and frustrated about these exact matters your pointing to. Who the fuck is this god or life that would do such things, this is NOT a loving god, this is at best a chaotic god, massively imperfect, and far from love by any meaning I then understand. What helped me was to see leave room for what I didn't understand or see, to not assume what I was seeing and deducing was "objective", not to assume life/god had volition and caused such things with intent, to see the non-objectivity of things, to peer into and see the oneness of suchness without filters or idea's and feel the reality melting love and peace in it all. Forgive life, forgive god, forgive yourself, this helped to. If you assume god must of done such matters in the way you see and feel them to be, then you've already jumped many conclusions about life and see this as objectively so, and its result is your hate and frustration of something you believe to be true. And yes this to is an unavoidable part of existence, with no good, right wrong, awful, a joke, stupid, not loving, not happiness attached to it. Holding onto the story that life is Love, Happiness and Good, can be just as much a corner stone of belief to get worked up around when its not met to the expectations of such. This to was a lesson to learn which helped drop more and more suffering.

Have you looked into why you feel this way? Just isolating yourself may not ever get to why you do such.

https://integrallife.com/integrating-shadow/ This may be a good first time at broadening your understanding and perhaps working towards shadow integration.

Do you want to let go and find out? If so, go ahead, if not, dont. If you dont want to find out, ask yourself, why not? If you don't want to know, don't inquire

How do you mean complete? Whats your idea of complete? Do you have an idea that you somehow need to live a life of happiness without a source of happiness coming from anything outside of you, like other people, wordly activities, food, money, etc....?

If you feel like you have free will, use it. Try and stop, or do less. Then once you've done less for a week or two, do less the next weeks. Then again the nex few weeks. Keep doing less until it feels like you can't do any less and then stay with that for a while, like months. Masturbating some is fine. Maybe eventually you'll do less again. Then less again. Trying to stop all at once can be very hard and cause you to stop and not want to try at all.

Can you summarize the point your making. Is it that because there is suffering and or pain that happens in a body, like knife slicing through my leg will hurt, makes reality not happiness and not love? And if so, does this frustrate you and/or make you want to counter statements of life being Love and Happiness? Also I'm not saying Rape or torture feel good or not, and that its someones responsibility if they are suffering through it, or that they should just learn to like it if it happens. Part of my point was that there are examples of pain from the body not being "from" the body, but of mind or unknown reasons why some feel pain and some dont through the same experience or situation. And its in this point that there is a lot to maybe see and understand about your own belief of what is pain/suffering/cause/non-cause/the actuality of such. Its a interesting investigation if so intrigued. Also there was no idea of me being special that I overcame my sexual trauma's and was uneffected by such, that wasn't the point. It was to communicate that these circumstances which you objectively believe to be one way, are not objectively so. I honestly think I was very fortunate to have the outcome that happened. It could of been a lot more troubling.

Yes it is easier when you have a comfortable life, but no one said it is easy taming the ox. Your examples are extreme cases so to say and have merit, however they are also partial and I think in that new partial space there may be possible growth for you. I'm not going to say rape or torture won't cause pain and discomfort. They "can". I've been sexually abused, but didn't feel much about it and still have no pain about it. Pretty much a none event for me. Same with a couple of ex's I've met who've gone through something similar. AND I've met people who are in great knots of pain and suffering from the same things. Torture is most likely going to be painful in the moment, but the hatred with life, god, and everything afterwards is another matter which my whole previous paragraph was addressing, and one can become much freer so to say in relation to such matters. Sure some tortures of the worse kind may leave a person in a forever bodily pained state, but even here there may be possible transcendence of such pains possible. There was a guy named Nick Yarris, look him up, wrongfully prisoned, tortured, and yet still has a great attitude towards life. Also many monks and yogis and normal every day people have demonstrated what they call mind over pain with horrific body mutations, cold plunges for periods that will kill the average person, dehydration practices that would kill the average person, physical stunts that would kill the average person. The list is large in this one. This again points to the notion that the physical being damaged or pushed to its limits wont in and of itself cause a person to hate and suffer, sure maybe discomfort and pains, but not ones that traumitize or cause a person to look poorly on life because of.

this is a very subtle message, and will take a radical openness to perhaps see. Lets start with suffering. You said "God is no more peace than it is anguish.. Stress.. Pain..sickness.. Death.. Murderer.. Rape.. Theft.. Cancer.. Sorrow...depression.. Madness.. Loneliness.. Disability.. Disasters.. Chaos.. Hell. Before we move further in this conversation (if you wish to)... Justify why and how is "peace" being cherry picked here as the essence of God and not infinite other horrible stuff. " What I'm about to say may sound very humanly detatched, but it makes the point more clear for you to hopefully see the point more easily. For starters death, murder, rape, cancer, disability are event's and the others are responses or experiences of such events. Yes from "one angle" these issues as you feel them are very much on a spectrum of potential heaviness or suffering, "for humans". This doesn't mean these issues are that way objectively. They may not even be that much of a big deal to some humans going through them as well. Yes they can be, but not always. You also live knowing these go on so to say all the time on earth, yet they don't each weigh you down each time they happen. They only impact you when they happen to you or you think about them. It may start to dawn on you that there is a "inmaterialness" or a non-exactness or inherency to these so called believed negative events. Perhaps it may seem that meaning is only applied to such matters, by you or mind. While this may not be ultimately true, its a healthy stepping stone in many traditions to go forward with such wisdom until you see with deeper subtlety what I'm pointing towards. Also, I'm not talking about a clever re-rationalization of murder, rape, cancer from the belief/feeling that they are already negative, but a radical understanding that they aren't those from the get go. This may require more "awakening" to see innately the truth of what I speak, but one could say that as One awakens, to Oneness, or "The only thing/non-thing" such event's/happenings are seen as ones own unfolding or body. When such a awakening happens questions such as does anything really happen to Only Thing There is, when a murder happens, a dog dies, a monkey rapes another monkey, a meteor hits a planet, when a galaxy fades......Again these are all just appearances of Oneness and in such the already convinced beliefs of pain/wrongness/suffering of such believed actualities, can be understood in new dimensions. You may also weep like you've never weeped before from the impact of such insights. But either way, One could say the Heart is freed in new ways, to feel, understand, love, embrace suffering, pain, sorrow, joy, non-attachment, and as such a growing or more constant happiness or peace can be ever present, while such currently regarded horrors, are no longer taken as such from their original assumption, but again from a new dimension of understanding. Warning, this is not a full picture, but a pointer, this isn't a message to believe there's nothing going on or one should not feel or care, or to go out and do what ever you want since there is no consequences.

Sams great, so is Jordan. All people are potential teachers so to say. One could say dependent on where your experience/mind is at, there language and outlook is just perfect to show you more of what you don't know and learn more about yourSelf. Dualistic outlook, non-dual outlook, neither is greater or lesser nor a problem.

Well, ULTIMATELY, there is just life, so no its not a distraction.

Well if there is only Truth, what does that say about the "dream".

What do you mean separate me and them?

Ya, and in time, after catching ourselves time and time again believing we knew, only to find out our first reaction wasn't as we thought it was, it creates a inner humbleness. We may naturally pause before speaking and instead of jumping to conclusion we may inquire for clarity or give the benefit of the doubt to the other before reacting.

Often as a seeker, whats most attractive is finding out whats REALLY going on, what God is and a promises that are unconsciously attached to such notions. Notions such as you will have THE answers, ALL the answers, you'll be the One who knows, you'll be SAFE or FREE from suffering, because you become God or something other then you already are. And while yes something along those lines may occur so to say in unique ways, you may never learn to be ok with Not Knowing, The Unknown, and the challenges that come from such, if you will. This video is a tribute to this beautiful aspect of Ourselves, an intrinsic part of Life so to say.

This is something that can come naturally from time, struggle and observation. "Trying" to be modest can come off as insincere. Contemplating that we all come into this world the same (we own nothing), and leave the same (leave with nothing), can show and reveal a potential modesty. Same with understanding we all share the same emotions, poop, pee, eat, experience family, work, struggle, laught. Understanding nothing is promised or supposed to be ours in life, can help ground one in the joys of what we are given. Laws are not promised, rights are not promised, fairness is not promised, food is not promised, good health is not promised. I made a few video's on this that may better communicate this.