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Ya mystery is a good word for this stuff, its an element that I feel is often lacking in spiritual inquiry and understanding. You may find value in this video, it points to a lot of what I'm talking about and what I think your wondering about. I also think since you've had a lot of experience in these matters, the video may offer some subtlety you may appreciate.

From my experience with this stuff, at a certain point it becomes impossible and irrelevant to make distinctions, since none of them were ever there in a sense, and still aren't, lol. But to see this, I'm not sure I could describe, nor could it be described, but i'll try none the less for fun. The ability to make a distinction insinuates a someone there making distinctions of this or that, jahna this jahna that. However this supposed character is under no direct control, nor an accurate determiner of any such matters, and to see this, is to see the inability to know something (this understanding can be gotten in many apparent ways, and logical connections, but none the less, it will eventually be seen that "......". It can be a real bummer experience, because this sense of self/Self that felt it knew stuff and knew things, can become real depressed and bummed to realize it could never know and never knew anything, and what it felt like it knew, was just essentially "....." This can happen pleasantly, or what feels like a long drawn out fight of self-independence. This self will argue that it knows, since its thinking and feeling it knows, however the only real truth if inquired into this idea is that there is only something happening, not necessarily the narrative this self voice believes. self experience, voice, thought, feeling, sense, experiences, spirituality, "god word", jahna's, meditation, enlightenment, only prove existence; the labels themselves aren't actually there or connected to what they feel and seem to. The problem with language and typing is generally it comes across that each of these words "experience", "voice", "thought", "feeling", "sense", "god", "enlightenment", are actually things, or phenomena or non-states or non-selfs, that are objectively and independently real, but there really isnt such, the overall happening is literally "....mystery....", and yet intuitively an understanding of such comes and goes.....

I don't know if any of us are going to match exactly want with our bodies or lifes, exactly, its just the way it is, we won't get everything we want. And understanding this, can help. Oh well, my face will always look this, my dick will always be this size, discomfort of some sort will always be somewhere in experience, or eventually. Even the voice in your head that hears this and goes, oh man that sucks, will probably always be there as well..... but hopefully you can let go into something just a little deeper that is there while and when all this is happening, that is unconcerned about such matters and at peace or atleast closer to it then a complaint And like a muscle, the more you can drop into that and come back to that, it becomes rewired or just natural, or grows (all useful metaphors).

Cravings and discomfort of various sorts are probably going to be around in some form for the rest of life. So that said, how do you want to relate to a normal part of life. Fight, anger, frustration, victimization, fear? Or maybe something more positive and relaxed? Worth looking into....

Was it fatalisticly determined that such a body/mind/machine would learn about this so called proof and information that the body/mind/neurons are fixed and cant change and as a result would then become depressed about the information? Not all body/mind/neuron machines that learn about this information get depressed about it, some can feel more relaxed and at ease that there is no control so to say. Is it possible in this moment now, that you can possibly see that your reacting to this information in your own unique way, and that possibly you can also see that if there is no control, then its equally possible everything could become amazing in any second and all idea's of the problems that are thought of as problems and issues that are thought of as stressful, and experiences that are not felt as good or enjoyable all could become something positive and new?

Maybe I'm wrong, but I think this experience is gonna challenge your sense of self. The affirmation video you linked seems to open up energy in the chest and neck chakra area's. This energy that released in you, has opened up a voice that is not natural to you...... yet. It may even change back. I've had my voice change doing energy work, but usually it only lasts a day or so. IT's a bewildering experience. Just dont panic. Reversing it, may be a waste of energy. Look into your ideas of what a deep voice means, or a man that has such a voice. There may be judgements that are creating rejection of this in you. You even said this doesn't fit the image of what you wanted to be or become nor does it match what you think a voice like this looks like in the body like yours. The suddenness of it also seems to be triggering in your concern and that something is fundamentally wrong and that you may of screwed something up in yourself, which again is fear idea's. It will be okay, try and relax in this process and exploration. Ultimately you can't do any harm, but don't use this as a license to do so

Thats a very broad question, care to narrow it down to your particular life?

ya enjoy it, but how much free will do you have in your interest, passion and thus obsession of free will? Its an interesting snake eating its tail.

I'd say lifting some weights and putting on some muscle will deter most fragile, surface level assholes, doing martial arts or boxing (which I think will make you more able to defend yourself faster) can build confidence in your self and healthy discipline, and doing 15-20 min meditation a couple times a week for mental clarity and sanity.

How do you see martial arts changing your friends from "abusing" you. Abuse is a strong word, do you mean, verbally taunt with a touch of humor, or physically rough house in ways that you may not always like or connect with. There is something to be said in gaining some muscle and having some physical defense skills, it can in a sense prevent some degree of that, since the other may see it less desirable due to the risk of your retaliation.

What do you mean, surrounded by people who abuse you? Like at school they pick on you? Can you clarify? I'm trying to figure out will martial arts actually help you or not. That said, meditation can be done for like 15-20 mins a day. So I'm sure you can include both.

This is a interesting topic. My first precaution would be at least first to see if its actually not just a real physical issue before going down the road of acceptance. That said, I've discovered or at least played around with certain ways of looking at and approaching pain that seem to help accept and or transcend. Now I don't know how much you've looked into what pain is, but here's some food for thought. When pain seems to arise, is it actually "real" (this can be its own worthwhile inquirey, to find out what real is to you in general, and worth 10-10,000 hrs of contemplation)? I'm sure you've at least once or twice in your life, believed, felt or saw something that seemed to be what it seemed to be, only to find out that it wasn't, or not even close to what you were certain and sure of. If you can really let this in, then when pain arises, you can leave room or space to ask the honest question, is this "what I think and feel as pain" actually as it seems. You see, felt pain, is so certain and true, that to even ask this question for many seems crazy and would never be considered. However, if you've seen time and time again, that just because its felt and seen that way as your experience, doesn't mean its actually the way it seems to be. This one insight, in my opinion has lead to a number of breakthroughs in non-reaction to thought, emotions, pain, others, life circumstances. And it can be taken to such extremes that ya, the being on fire like the monk, may just be a passing background something or other. Now of course, this will most likely not all happen suddenly, it will probably take a tremendous amount of what feels like will power, commitment and practice, and sometimes will lead to stupid results, because sometimes its best to just go to the doctors and get something for a parasite infection, but if you've looked into your issue and no one seems to be able to figure out whats going on, then, yea this path can be a god send and can create the willingness of mind and strength to practice, since your going to be in "pain" anyways with the issue

I agree, God/Existence is more than just infinite combinations of finite things, because there are actually no finite things, lol. It gets into area's/experience that is not possible to understand or relate to as a "human" awakening to God realization. But it really doesn't matter that this is so.

ya it is

@fopylo Congrats, ya self discovery can happen and be found in music, art, relationship, psychadelics, work, and anywhere potentially.

Ya a lot more organic nuance can come out of a interview like this in comparison to a video. Hopefully Leo does more of these.

@Loving Radiance Great report, enjoyed reading it.

Sounds like you had a decent trip and nothing else needed to be shown. Next time do a little more, be moderate with this stuff and increase in ways that are not dumb and based off egoic desire. You seem like you genuinely want to grow, so just do 20-30% more next time. Sometimes what you went through is all thats going to happen and thats just life, for some that would be a mind blowing trip.

Ya no problem.

Hmm when you put it like that, the practice almost sounds like it may reinforce your already strong habit of liking to observe and discern. This may not be easy, but I'd try something different. Sit with your eye's slightly open for 5-20 mins, you decide, but after you decide, don't change how much time your doing it for no matter what. During this time, dont try to observe, but dont try not to observe, and just let all thought and emotion come and go as it does. Vaguely notice, that observation/awarness of experience happens none the less. Hearing happens, sight happens, feeling happens, breathing happens, etc. Just let this be noticed over and over again, till its just normal and natural. Then look what I wrote before on how this may be applicablely helpful in your life.

Ya thats as good as start as any One pointer I'll give you is, dont look for an object of "who" is perceiving, this is a trap of the mind that can happen. Notice when there is looking for a "who" or an "object of what is perceiving, that perceiving is happening and innately aware of so. When this starts to sink in and become natural so to say as in there is not a looking for a "who", but just comfortably sitting, not trying to be aware, just aware, the next mind trap is a voice of "ok now what or so what, big deal, what do I do with this, I want something out of being aware". Just literally smile and let that pass. This may be a good time to start reading more and listening to some new pointers or new stuff to try and cultivate. But If you can just do sitting aware, it may become natural to notice thoughts and emotions more naturally and in doing so, the deceptions and victimization or strong anger attachments or feelings of deserving this or that, or expecting this or that, or fearing future possibilities that haven't happened or happened and no longer happen, will be seen as just thought and emotion patterns, and won't be as strong on the system. But this is easier said than done, this takes some real inner strength and discipline to go through. This is where a meditation practice is useful and helps both elevate consciousness in some sense and gives a place just to be with what comes and goes through the body.

The pointer I'd give you is feel into "that or what ever it is" which feels located in the body.

Notice how this is all in your experience and not nessecisarly something that is actual. You believed something called free will, which you now believe has been disproven by something called science. And now your asking about something called "100% responsibility". Why not "99% responsibility", would you know the difference if it were even something real to begin with? Would you know what 10% responsibility even feels like, or 20%, or 30%? See how imaginary this is. If you get what I'm saying, you'll laugh your ass off.

Existence is existence, its not a "something" that exists. Nor is it a function of sub or simultaneous elements to create the actuality called existence. If you can get to this on a quality level or even a very firm philosophical level that is certain, and not just one of the many possibilities, then the next interesting question to ask is, what does this mean about a so called something called Time. If you can see and understand that existence truely is the case, this means there is no so called time in which existence didn't exist, theres no before it, and there is no moment in which there is a after existence. Time literally doesn't exist except as a "experience or imagination". There's no, "existence started 1 trillion years ago", there for there is time in which things have happened, with befores and afters and laters. There literally hasn't been a moment of time, with a moment after or before. What you think you just read didn't happen in a actual something called time and there isn't a later time when you are done with this paragraph, its only Now that anything Is. Of course the experience of time may or may not continue to be experienced and this is fine either way, to try and convince yourself its there or not there may just keep your mind in a constant rejection of experience, the goal of life is not to see past this. Time can be a relatively enjoyable type of experience and of course it can be painful as well. Perhaps its useful to use what I'm pointing to as a reminder to help you not get caught up in conflicts with time and reality when it feels so painfully certain.

Its funny I made this video yesterday, and today there are like three topics wondering about existence. Interesting coincidence, hmmm. Let me know why you all think, its a good subject to really get into, debate and get to the actual bottom of.