bejapuskas

@Bojan what does disorganized mean for you?

@Bobby_2021 You are justifying your toxic behavior by saying it is ok to be that way from a place of privilege where you are not likely to be slut shamed like your love interest is. What would help your relationship stability more than virginity status would be honest communication. I bet the girl doesnt know about all the crap you have said here about her, otherwise she would have left. And it wouldnt be her not surviving, but you. I understand youve had those beliefs instilled in your mind by the culture you grew up in, but this is not a forum where we excuse low consciousness behavior like you do for yourself. I have given you Indian examples of how your ideology is based on nonsense and your mind rejected it, exactly because it is biased. There is nothing wrong about you essentially, just your beliefs, words, behavior etc. You are perfect, but you believe limiting bullshit about yourself which is hopefully going to make the girl leave you.

@spiritual memes google some possible solutions Its an underused tool @Danioover9000 I find value after reflecting, not only after taking.

@Lyubov Yeah I have the same experience, I think I get what you mean now.

That is totally understandable. I meant maybe like people who say first that they are not serious and then catch feelings later. Do you make it clear that something could maybe happen in the future? @Hardkill Maybe also get better at recognizing whether somebody is really sensitive when it comes to talking about sex, you might prevent causing some collateral damage.

That's interesting, don't you then find that your relationship, if it goes serious, falls apart, because maybe you did not feel like you have the responsibility to be for example 100% honest from the start and it surfaces later? Do you think the intention at the start matters in this way?

@Bobby_2021 Ok maybe you meant it that "her value" is your perception of datability, your preference, which is obviously on you to decide, I just got triggered by the wording then. I have lived in India for a year and a half and I know what kind of things can happen there, you never know. Been invited to child wedding also. Discriminatory ideas about women are normalized to a high degree in so many households. Not all of them. There is not anything wrong with your stage blue ideology if it is decided upon consensually, but not if an insecure man imposes his anxiety on the woman who is slut shamed if she divorces this anxious man and is then labelled as "not a virgin anymore therefore less valuable" by other such men. I hate western culture too, trust me. But I do not understand what else other than your bottomless assumption and superior physical power made you think that you are to be the leader? Ofc man can suffer from a dominant woman who might divorce him because she just thinks he has to earn more than her for example, but that is another story. I don't understand your assumption of patriarchy. To give context, one of my exes was from an arranged marriage, where the wife was highly educated, two degrees, could easily earn money. The husband did not have education, was earning money in some corrupt ways. Yet, she got enslaved by the husband's family, because she was assigned female gender at birth. Not separating and staying in shit can also be bad for the kid, maybe worse. Sure, keep demonizing my stage green ideas, but that will not save your relationship from insecurity.

Secure x) after a little bit of work

@Bobby_2021 I never said I do not see the male side of the problem, but I do not see you seeing the female side of the problem. Of course if you do not want to marry a traumatized person, that is on you, but saying somebody's value has decreased because they have been violently raped is so disgusting. They might need a therapist, I hope they get a therapist, instead of being stoned to death by their radical religious family. If you think that about a person, you really should not be with them. You should just leave for the other person's good imo. Also I don't care about body count.

Would you guys mind to elaborate more on why you regret those things? Like what they lead to? In my case, it was hurting more after longer time of commitment to toxic relationships, and also just suffering from not being truthful for a long time. But then it helped me to understand some stuff about myself too, which I am grateful for.

You are talking about marriage, which is serious, so I will be harsh here. You do doubt her, stop telling this lie to justify your mindset. Why would her having sex in the past bug you? Do you try to understand her context? Do you like to be called by your mum when you are out with friends, and even asked to describe everything you are doing in detail? This might just be a symptom of her wanting to escape your possessiveness. But if you have these 4 month long trips and it is not safe for her to go out alone, do you just want her to stay inside? What do you think she should do in this case? Do you want her to quarantine? If you trust her with not responding to hitting on her, what is bothering you then? It does not sound to me that you are ONLY worried about her physical safety. I hope if some man had nonconsensual sex with her, you woud not think it decreased HER value? Stop with these stereotypes and "speaking for everyone" statements. You are not speaking for everyone. Watch yourself justify the very things you are insecure about, trying to present yourself as more reasonable. You are interested in your marriage, but what about her marriage? Do you think this marriage has one or two people in it? Are both equally important, or is the woman just "dramatic" and the man is the one who knows the truth? And they definitely do not skin the woman, right. I would imagine the woman could even be honor killed. Maybe it is this horrible reality of people being in danger if they try to get a divorce.

Same here, getting into relationships I would feel ashamed of, feeling like I had to commit to them.

There is data that supports the claim that 3rd dose helps a lot, most sick people in hospitals are either not vaccinated at all or do not have the booster

Perhaps dettach from any notion at all?

@Value I think it is a combination of not being attached and still wanting to give your best. Ime, communication only may not solve the issue, talking about shame and all that. There is just something mental or spiritual that could be going on and that just kind of transmits when the moment comes. It's like you can clearly sense the other person's mindset changed.

@Pavement @Knowledge Hoarder I don't think it is a troll post. Nor do I think the OP necessarily hates their boyfriend, as @vizual suggested, but their mind might be functioning poorly because of how many lies they have to maintain. (watch last week's video) Minds can get lost in such forests of constructs and think about bizzare realities. (although this reality might not be bizzare for some couples who might be trying to learn from having their relationship open) For me, vMEME yellow heterosexual guy POV is to be a feminist and stand up for the oppressed, but have standards and not let people shit on your head. What do ya'll think about that?

This is not embarassing, you are fine. The shadow that is causing this might be not accepting your inner child, creativity, innocence, playfulness... Which sounds kind of accurate as you said you take self actualizing very seriously, which is not bad of course. I always recommend Teal Swan's video on pedophilia for shadow work purposes. It might be helpful. Projection wise, what you describe as pedophilic behavior might not actually be pedophilia. Pedophiles are both offending and non-offending. The ones that have offended are the ones that are most likely to offend again. Non-offenders and Pure OCD people are not a real threat, they are often more self conscious. You might be projecting "acting around kids without being aware of how it might seem for others" instead of projecting attraction to minors. Sometimes mind does those tricks. Porn addiction is what usually causes people to offend and predate on kids, people who are bored of the stuff they can find online so they go out into the real world or social media world. You can check out Elizabeth Letourneau's work, I did some interviews with her in the past. She is a world class policy advisor in child sexual abuse prevention. She is really smart and kind. As you have already discovered, you value purpose and career over girls. So just having sex once might only confirm that for you. Just keep your standards, do not shame yourself, even if you do have pedophilia, you might still also be attracted to adults, which is a really good thing to keep in mind. Do you experience sexual attraction at all? Maybe this is a stupid questions, but some people might not and that is also ok.

@Knowledge Hoarder I am sorry for not answering for a long time. When I talked about being in the mood, I was refering to a mistake I made in the past. The stuff Leo talks about related to pleasing other people in bed and really focusing on that, I misinterpreted it and basically just put all of my energy into pleasing people whenever they asked for it (in bed) and that kind of escalated to me burning out, because they got addicted to how reliable it was I guess. So being able to say no when I was not in the mood necessarily would have helped. But that is not everyone's problem, just agreeable sensitive people. It can also just be targeted at guys who, because of their low self-esteem, would just go and have sex with whatever girl was available to them, without thinking about their own standards. Once they hint at it, you might be able to start directly communicating, that is ideally what should happen. Indirect consent can be problematic, especially with a person you do not know and are just hooking up with. It is good that you can see how purpose is more important than girls, by which I do not mean one should not pursue relationships. I would question your intent of like aiming at being able to get laid whenever, because in the process of just hooking up and never getting serious/attached to one person might cause you to like spend too much time just hooking up and perhaps not picking up the lesson that it is time to stop and settle down. You might meet an incredible person halfway down and not recognize it, because your mind would be somewhere in the future, where you are able to have sex whenever you want or whatever. Do you know what I mean? I am not saying you are doing this, I am just providing some food for thought.

@tashadwoodfall Hey, I think I can relate to what you are saying. I think you can still work on it if you are open to that. When I was thinking about opening the relationship up with one of my exes, it was because I thought that if we had sex with other people, I would experience how it is supposed to be done and then teach her, and that she would maybe experience how it is when the other person is not trying and realize some things. This was naive to think though, direct communication is better. It might take time and patience though.

@RttPtt

@Knowledge Hoarder Thank you for clarifying. I think if as a guy you don't feel comfortable / in the mood / ready, you should just say no. Don't focus on losing virginity. I feel like so many people waste their creative potential on just finding a person to have sex with, when it is not the most meaningful thing they could be doing only if they were not so pressured, having their self-esteem based on nonsensical things. I get the struggle, but even after sex, it is easy to fall into the trap of chasing it and never finding a meaningful purpose. Could you elaborate on the second point you made about not having sex when you could have? If you are ok with sharing. @CodyXarex Wow, that's insane, thanks for sharing that. I think what you said is very valuable.

@Knowledge Hoarder Not funny.

There are so many pressing global issues you can work on solving, have you heard about Effective Altruism? Or 80000 hours?

Virgin shaming literally leads to sexual assault / rape. A person might think that sex is the ultimate good that one can get in reality and they just consent to it no matter what, even if they are not ready. And then while it is happening, they start feeling awkward and after some time they might realize they were assaulted/raped.

I am a guy, but I thought this might still help. When I am receiving, it is almost like I can sense the intent/feeling of the other person. If they are stressed/insecure/worried etc., I will not be able to enjoy anything they do to me. Are you confident about yourself or no? Sorry if this was already brought up before.