bejapuskas

@Preety_India I feel you, I also had this judgement, its fine. I guess the judgement does not come from nothing, right. Even if you communicate, one person might be shy or afraid to tell the truth about their feelings and this can lead to collateral damage. It is tisky. But I think its less risky than most people imagine, if you communicate well though only... People are naturally so dumb, they can't read each other so well, you gotta talk about everything, then its fine. For me I always judged casual sex, then I tried it. It was a nice way to explore my sexuality and to become less of a slut-shamer because I saw the value of opening up in it. It made me understand myself more, there certainly was a shadow. I think you might try if you have any respectful men in mind... Did it suck tho? Yes, first time definitely. Its just not as good as having sex with long term partner where you know each others bodies and minds well and youre way more comfortable. But I guess you can become more comfortable with time and experience. Still for me though, relationship Is the way to go if one wants good sex. But I dont judge casual or even polyamory at all, Its just more complex, risky and sloppy.

I kinda agree with this, the romanticization of specialness tends to create unrealistic expectations. I mean yeh if they dont come to you its their loss, perhaps you havent found the right person yet. Even though you probably have some traits that are keeping you from getting a girlfriend that you can work on, it seems to me like youre putting a big burden on your shoulders. You know, good relationship is not about constantly guessing the other persons exact needs, youll never get there, its about communication and people are afraid to communicate because they are encouraged to shut up way too often you know.... Its sad. Perhaps once you stop caring and start being yourself, girls who are direct and sexually open will appear. Thats what many guys experience when they stop caring. And thats what you want, right.

@Preety_India You should create a "I am Enlightened, ask me anything" thread. I would believe and give you power.

@Shin Thank you Shin for doing this. This forum is going through some big changes right as we speak. All these people speaking up thanks to you. So much love youre creating. Thank you everyone for being so vulnerable and open, I would tag you all but it is way too many people acting brave on this thread, keep up the good work. If anyone feels unwell here because of something that was said, just DM me yeh, I am here for you to talk. Also feel free to use the report function to make us mods aware of any potentially banworthy behavior. The topic is sensitive so obviously a lot of violence is gonna be going on here.

@Harlen Kelly Ok then, sorry for assuming. Why would you then have this extensive argument about what issues are the biggest problem when the other side is not denying your view, but just coming up with counter examples to balance out the statements? Why would you go so far, I dont want to assume anything more than this.

@Lucas-fgm I think Matte has been quite clear on describing his context, even in very vulnerable ways, and coming from a place of valid experiences and feelings which have shaped his views. Why would you call his post nonsensical?

@intotheblack This sounds very interesting what you are sharing. Would you mind sharing, if this is true for you, how your rebelion against these labels affected your life and personality, clothing, make up etc...? I think this is also something guys often misunderstand, how girls are fucked by gender roles and how their personalities rebel against that, which often results in them being slut shamed...

@Thunder Kiss Yeh after all it is another imagined duality, dont take it so personally, have fun exploring It is no big deal to just be and do what you want. Of course there is an element of upbringing etc. that is why I say, dont take it so personally. You can be whatever, its fine, express yourself, communicate, find a compatible person who Is clear and all. Normally I dont agree with people using this masculine-feminine binary duality. It is uninclusive language towards certain people, which occupy even this forum, although they arent seen as often perhaps because they feel marginalized. However in this thread where we discuss gender specific issues and their perception which is very strongly affected by biology and life experiences connected to biology, I think its extremely useful for us to use this terminology, differentiate between male and female POV.

@Harlen Kelly Obviously Preety knows about these rape statistics, she lives them. It is weird of you to assume that she Is not aware and to continue bashing things into her head that she already knows. The girls in this thread have shown guys so much love and understanding it is actually surprising considering the topic is rape and trauma. It is actually insane what kind of girls we have here. Can you please assuming that these girls are biased in a way that somehow overlooks your experience when that is clearly not true? Stop assuming feminists hate you, stop assuming women just want to target you. They love you so much even though you act this way, it is amazing, you just do not see it and keep acting hurt... Realize your worth and move on, you are lovable man, all these women have shown you. I am sorry you live in such a bad reality when a better one is literally offering itself.

I am sorry you are so RedPilled. Get those nonsense teachings out of your mind, it is not helping you. You seem like a really lovely human being who has a lot of compassion, but I would not be surprised if somebody here got triggered by what you say. I think you are very loving and kind, but just naive and oblivious to what is happening in the real world, sorry to break your illusions, but it is so. I am happy you are showing interest in learning about this. If I can ask you, are you a virgin?

@Hello from Russia Yeh I was trying to point at a less worrysome perspective one can accept for their own. Like if she was Iraqi, I would probably be speaking differently, but since she lives in Germany, where the wages are so high for almost anything you do... You can even make amazing things happen for cheap these days No big deal for a European.

Why does your dad call psychology useless, because it earns less? I think if you live in Germany, you are getting decent money basically no matter what your job is, why would you be afraid of you dad's judgement?

I am not quite sure how all of this connects in your mind and what kind of answers you are seeking. Could you be more specific?

Communism never ever existed in the world, perhaps in like small communities. The kind of soviet regimes still had this kind of system where some chosen ones can get rich by snitching rebeling people to the elites. (Who were elites precisely because the regime was not communist) Also, a political system cannot be communist and discriminatory at the same time, which all these regimes were. True communism would require more development and maturity from people, but undoubtedly there are people who would be able to live in a more just world with less discrimination.

@ivankiss Oh wow you even guessed the time it happened

@Preety_India @mivafofa I guess guys don't usually understand so well because they are victims of this type of abuse less often, although sometimes still yes. And it's sad. I just think it is unfortunate that it is a kind of a taboo to talk about this from the female perspective and nobody educates guys about this, not even in sex education, it's all taken for granted. I have even heard some stories of kids who literally thought rape is fine.

@ivankiss The word exactly tells me you actually know

I guess I am not stopping you guys at this point. Just like if you wanna do psychs, don't do them in a big group. It can really suck, trust me...

I was watching this podcast with Mark Laita from Soft White Underbelly who interviews all these outcasts of society and so called lost people. He even helps them financially because he is rich as fuck (does photography for big companies), gives them emotional support, shares their story, but he said that he is not expecting them to get better, because that's probably wanting too much in most cases. The reason why his channel is called Soft White Underbelly is, because it symbolizes a kind of vulnerable place of animals, and most of the people whom he interviews had seriously bad childhood. So like his videos are supposed to prevent that from happening and alarm the next generations in order for them not to get to that place in the first place. (being a killer, heroin addict, rapist etc.) I know some people who got back up after being addicted to hard drugs but those are serious people who did insane inner work. Not for everyone. Prevention is the best way. Good life purpose idea btw... Yeh no, I don't think all pedophiles were sexually abused as kids. Most child sexual abuse cases are done by other children who usually do not know that rape is wrong literally. Like the most common age of a child rapist is like 12 years old, not even kidding. That's not to say that the older people cannot be more smart and sneaky, but the kind of pedopsychopath is extremely rare. If anyone is struggling with being a victim of rape or with some intrusive thoughts related to the topic of pedophilia, rape, murder... This forum, the serious emotional problems section, is open to these people, you will not get banned. There are also many places you can go on the internet to seek professional support from people who are understanding and compassionate for these issues, even on youtube there are youtube channels.

Being a pedophile does not mean that you go around raping kids and stalking them on playground, although that's how the word is usually used. The actual definition is different: "Pedophilia, also spelled paedophilia, also called pedophilic disorder or pedophilia disorder, in conventional usage, a psychosexual disorder, generally affecting adults, characterized by sexual interest in prepubescent children or attempts to engage in sexual acts with prepubescent children" Notice the "OR". There are many pedophiles who are in fact ashamed of their feelings and seek therapy, that is not legal in most countries. (But for example in Germany it is possible) There is even such a thing as pedophilia OCD where a person has intrusive thoughts about potentially being a pedophile or even killer OCD, rape OCD etc... For these people, self-love actually is the cure and like the only way for them to accept themselves and better their mental state. (Those are the people who are not criminals) There also is not much evidence that long prison sentences, death penalty or life-long imprisonment would solve such issues or like keep people from committing crimes. If somebody is seriously unconscious, they are not gonna say like "Oh, I wish I could kill this person, but that death penalty man..." They just go do it without thinking much. Why would people go to prison for punishment instead of as punishment, when the end goal is to make them into better people who do not cause harm? That's not what isolation and violent treatment does to anyone. It just fucks people up.

@ivankiss I get you man. I just think there is a difference between caring what other people think, adhering to their social games bs and trying to include everyone in a conversation, make them feel comfortable and listened to...

@ivankiss Yeh I known you are a heart centered guy. I dont think Its a waste of time to talk to you about things, how others might perceive them, I appreciate you being a part of this forum. .) I understand you are a serious learner. Sometimes one makes a low quality post without thinking much perhaps and it triggers some people. Just be more mindful in longer conversations. As you said, its difficult to see into other peoples minds and the truth about experiences is all about interlretation and subjectivity, people come from different backgrounds here and we need to communicate concretely and compassionately in accordance to this. Sometimes jokes or things that are not said seriously can point out at some harsh realities of the people who these jokes target. For you it might be joke, for somebody else it might be hard to interpret as a joke because they might think you are not considering their presence on the forum and life experience seriously enough for them to feel safe about expressing themselves. I mean sure dont date girls who you cannot tolerate, its for both of you guys' greater good. But then if you ask a question, dont overlook responses from people who are trying to give you different perspectives, if they are reasonable and not just some troll content yeh.

I think you guys agree on the fundamentals like having boundaries in a relationship, comminicating, not being dependant in relationships, not fucking up each other psychologically etc. That's all good. Can we acknowledge that we actually agree on some things and discuss them? @ivankiss I know you acknowledged that calling the person one's having sex with daddy is not always an issue, and it's good that you don't completely neglect the variety of perspectives and subjective experiences presented to you in this conversation. But you also say that one cannot really know what's going on in somebody's head, so why would you assume you know the cause of this? I mean, you even said that this behavior is toxic "in most cases". How do you know this, are you just guessing? I don't know whether this is fair. And there are people on here who have wounds and unaccepted sides of themselves, I am sure you can relate, it's serious stuff. I understand they cannot really stop you from behaving like that, because you can just type and press enter, but if we as a collective moved in this direction of presenting one-sided views and neglecting the multitude of perspectives, this forum would become totally useless and we would be unable to arrive at conclusions. There is benefit to not triggering other people's wounds in a group conversations. Even if you were right about this, by offending or triggering somebody with your language, you are making them feel unsafe and practically that means you are losing their perspective. If you are seriously trying to understand the human psyche, which I think you are, you should consider not being as violent in your communication, because even hurt people have valid perspectives to share and it might help you actually understand them and decrease your judgement which might often be based on nothing.

@EmptyInside I think sometimes it is useful to acknowledge the benefits such mindset gave you in the past. That way you can understand why you have it in the first place. I think you already understand. Did you find yourself fearing your father's judgement/anger? I mean, many behaviors and mindsets we learn are from parents. You might find it very difficult to put your needs above other people's needs because you think you always have to please them, otherwise they might get angry. (like your father did) Likely you estabilished this to prevent conflict. This, in relationships where sexual shame can be an issue, can mean that you can be a great giver, always putting your partner's needs above your own, being extra careful, make sure you get consent on everything you guys do together. Many people actually lack this, yeh. You can even use this to your advantage. When I was having this conversation with my girlfriend, she put it very nicely: "It is sexist to assume that it is not enjoyable for a woman to suck a dick." And same goes for guys of course. Like you might not see it, but there are people who genuinely care about seeing you happy and satisfied, the same way you want to see them happy and satisfied. Now with having sex in general, I think you will get pushed into it somehow with experience. You don't seem like you are asexual and you actually do not want to be intimate with anyone. I think it is an issue that sex is portrayed as something more sinful, more violent, more non-consensual, more non-desireable etc. than for example kissing. It can actually be very intimate, passionate, loving, it can involve a lot of connection and compassion, energetics... It is understandable that when your family and culture programmes you with all this sexual shame and like romanticization of platonic relationships where sex is not involved, you will think that this is literally true. I guess you will understand all this when you find the right person. People are sometimes very intolerant and do not want to discuss sexual shame of their partners. And that is also not your fault, right. So I hope you find someone who will be happy to communicate all this with you and fulfill all your crazy fantasies and for whom you will also be happy to do all these things you want to do

It is good that you've arrived at so many observations yourself, if this is all true and honest description of what you are experiencing, you already have many of the answers you need. I think certain amout on arrogange or being unavailable is needed in order not to burn out and to set proper boundaries for yourself. But I think you can speak your mind without being arrogant. The way you speak it out can range from absolutely blunt to genuine. Try to be more genuine and considerate and I think you should be fine. I honestly think being genuine, considerate and humble are one of the most important traits for good relationships. Sometimes for growth facilitated by relationships you don't need a person who spits the truth straight into your face, but rather someone who speaks to you where you are at. What do you mean by people who inspire you? Do you need other people to become inspired? Loving does not necessarily mean letting people in more.