Bestversionofme

Hey guys, idk if you guys can relate to this. I've been addicted to porn since middle school. I've watched straight, gay, bi porn, kinky porn, bdsm porn and homoerotic straight porn like gangbangs, dps, double vaginal, double blowjob( two dicks, one mouth). Lost my virginity at 14/15, didn't have my first experience with a guy untill I was 22. I'm 26 at the moment. I consider myself now to be bisexual, although I've considered myself straight for majority of my life ( even if I was to never have a sexual experience with a man ever again, as long as I watch porn I will be watching whatever makes blood rush to my d*ck, guy or girl) also if I'm out and about if I see a man I find very good looking, that's there and I can't ignore it even if I never act on it. The way masculinity is and how guys interact with each other ( I'm black, as black people it's kinda ingrained to be homophobic, some say white people brought homosexuality to blacks through slavery, I digress) but because the way manhood and masculinity is set up I've never really got to openly express any slight attractions, just hide it. I have attractions to women but they fluctuate from man to women, women to men. At times I've overcompensated my attractions to women because I didn't want to be seen as queer.( I've learned that queer just means not straight, not necessarily gay, but definitely not straight). Upon exploring my sexuality, not just with men but going to swinger sex parties in college a few years ago, I made an account on this kink/ fetish site called FetLife. It's basically a kinky facebook. Ive met folks, gone to munches, went to bdsm and kink workshops. All this is cool but in a lot of ways it feels like i live a secret life and I often feel hypersexual. One for being bi and another for being into all these non vanilla expressions of sexuality. The folks I've met in those space, straight and queer alike have explored polyamory, folks with 3,4, 5 different romantic and or sexual partners, triads. Very unconventional, which is cool but I don't think I can live out loud like that, that would just add to this feeling I have of being hypersexual. Not to mention sexuality with men is very different, guys want to do stuff and there's ultimately no stigma the way there is slut shaming with women. If you download grindr right now you can find a blowjob in 5 mins. I'm not necessarily into that because again this fear I have around hypersexuality. Any way, in a lot of ways any mention of sexuality it's either straight or gay. It gives me a lot of anxiety thinking about that. The labelling? But I'll probably watch leo's video on self acceptance. What's yall take on sexuality ,as far as orientation, or even non vanilla sex. Being the spiritual guy I am I would love to incorporate tantra with a partner I have a strong emotional bond with. ( I've never dated a man and when I picture all that romantic stuff I see a woman, not a man, idk what that means). I also am curious to know the origins of sexuality. Idk why I am this way. Some say you're born this way, you're born lesbian? Born gay? Born bisexual? I have no idea. I was only aware of any same sex attraction because of porn in middle school( from what I can remember). It was the hardcore internet stuff, not the hbo, cinemax) Some say it's from child molestation. I remember having a family friend dry hump me non consentually when I was 11. I didn't do anything about it, but I hated it ,felt emasculated and forgot it completely. It was masked as playing around. I was 11 and the guy was 13. One of my older brothers had did the same thing to me when I was around that age too and was masked as playing around. It wasn't like a sexual I'm getting off kinda thing but it definitely was a power imbalance. I'm sure my brother forgot, yes that was inappropriate but idk if that had any contribution to me being bi now. It's something I think about a lot. My dad's straight, all the males in my family are straight, why am I like this? And I mean str8 str8 , not like me who likes vagina but also can see a hot dude and feel something. I also have a cousin who was raped/ penetrated by a teenager that was close to his family when he was a toddler ( 2 years old, guy was about 15.) He is 100% heterosexual, and a very masculine guy. So I don't know if child sexual abuse or even early childhood sexual experience gives sexuality a detour. Idk but semen retention and some shadow work/ journaling could help me on my journey. My own perceived hypersexuality makes me feel like a pervert although I know hypersexuality is relative. Sorry so long , thoughts?

@tsuki yes I do have a fear of being perceived as gay. But it's not even gay, it really boils down to masculinity and man roles. For one sexuality is seen as a one drop rule so if I say I'm bi my identity will be ignored and will be perceived as gay, I will have to always correct people. My interest in women will be ignored. In some ways it is easier to be straight passing and otherwise unseen, because although my true bisexual identity is ignored if I'm perceived as straight also, whether you're seen as bi or gay there will still be stigma and mistreatment, even rejection from loved ones and ofcourse an overall misunderstanding. Nah I'm not hypersexual in a sense that I use sex to avoid my emotions. But I considered myself hyper sexual in a sense that I'm easy to arouse. I see a hot women, I'm turned by her curves and pretty face, I see a bearded muscular man I'm turned on by his physique and seeing that I don't really hear gay men talking about women in that way as well as men or straight men talking about men that way as well as woman I just took it that I must be hypersexual. To like girl butts and guy butts, to think an ass is an ass regardless if it's a guy or girl, no biggie. If people can wrap their mind around homosexuality, why can't they wrap their mind around bisexuality. Throw in the different non vanilla stuff that I'm into I start to think I'm hypersexual or just a very sexual person.

@AtheisticNonduality Yeah that's true. I'm not too sure if Greeks are a great reference point though because they also liked young adolescent boys. I don't really know what's a good reference point to be honest. Experts say they don't really know how sexual orientation/ interest come about. They say it's a complex web of biological, hormonal and environmental factors. Why do people like feet ? Idk. People who have feet fetishes don't know why either. But ultimately having a feet fetish isn't wrong or unethical unless it was unwanted touch or something. Why do guys like transgenders? Who knows. They like the feminine face,curvy body, tits everything a woman has except they also have a dick. It's pretty complex to figure out why someone likes it. But ultimately it is harmless, who does it hurt? It's taboo and seen as weird, even today folks are trying to find language for it. But idk..

@Thestarguitarist14 Actually when I started going to the bdsm events, munches, kink parties and made a FetLife account, I've met a lot of women who are into kink, bdsm, swinging. It's like another world. Doctors, lawyers, business professionals black, white, asian, old and young, single and taken. Married couples who just want to spice things. Young folks in their 20s. The thing about sexuality and couples is you don't know what people are into. So idk about that. I've seen some pretty wild stuff in person and not just on my web browser.

@No Self well in my case I don't really know if I was sexually abused. When I journaled to try to remember unprocessed memories, the two dry humping situations came up( which I had completely forgot about). (Both situations dry humping fully clothed btw). To be honest it scared the shit out of me once I only realized a few months ago, because one was my older brother so I felt pretty awkward that I couldn't talk about that and fear that it would damper our brotherhood. After talking about it to other people and people who have had far worse situations, I've decided to not count it as molestation but a gray area of inappropriate behavior or acting out. Yes he should have known better, yes he's 6 years older than me and I was like 9 or something but ultimately it wasn't a repeated thing and it's not attraction or any kinda incest stuff. The victim narrative doesn't really help me. Then I spoke to my cousin who was literally raped as a toddler by a teenage boy. He's not bi or gay, I can't really say he's hypersexual, that's relative af. Him and his girlfriend are swingers, but I can't say that's hypersexual. But he's a very macho dude, loves his guns, always at the range and he takes no shit. So talking to him made me reexamine the notion that if a male child is sexually abused he will become gay, bi, feminine, he'll be a child molester now because he was abuse. Or even just hypersexual. Idk how to define that.

@Thestarguitarist14 yeah I love femdom porn. That stuff drives me wild. If I were in a relationship I'd want to incorporate tantra, bdsm/ femdom/ maledom stuff, kink, maybe even on special occasions inviting another woman or man or couple in the bedroom. I guess I need to get rid of the shame of what I like but it's hard because these are taboo. Especially male bisexuality, female bisexuality is praised

@Javfly33 Yeah I know. I'm interested in tantra for connection. All the other stuff I mentioned just seems fun and cool and turns me on when I watch porn. But all of it has to do with sexuality, and me being bisexual and my experiences and atractions to men.

Semen retention actually helps. For one I slow down with porn or come to complete stop ( temporarily, for however long i retain) There are ways to channel your sexual energy into something creative/ productive I wish @Leo Gura made a video on semen retention, I'd want to hear is take on it. It's definitely connected to actualization. There's a guy I subscribe to on youtube called Sexual Kung fu and he talks and has practices on transmuting sexual energy. @Michal__

@Thestarguitarist14 But isn't that normal? Especially for a teen. I'm 26 , a millennial and this is the day and age of pornhub and xvideos. Unlimited amounts of porn. The youtube of porn. If I had to go sneak and find my parents vhs or dad's penthouse or whatever magazine was cool back in the day that's one thing. I was in middle school in about 07' this is pre smart phone but post youtube and beginning of youtube styled porn. Now kids can watch it on their smart phone as long as they have WiFi. How is that any different? If not worse

@Meetjoeblack @Meetjoeblackhow is it more women for you if I still like women? Gay men aren't attracted to women. Maybe you misread what I wrote. I wouldn't call it curiousity seeing that curiosity implies unfamiliarity . I'm 100% sure i find both women and men attractive .@Meetjoeblack@Surfingthewave I like how you tied that last line in there from my screen name. That was clever. And yeah it's a process. I plan on finding a therapist before this negatively affects my overall mental health and well-being.

I wrote about this before but no one replied hopefully I get a response this time. My whole life I considered myself straight, my attractions towards girls were deep and very obvious from as early as I can remember, then middle school I was introduced to internet porn. I would watch straight porn and would be turned on by the woman and the guy ( unaware that I was attracted to the guy at the time just thought it was admiration). Which graduated to watching gangbang porns and double penetration and then gay porn ( I enjoyed the homoeroticism and there being a woman there). But full on gay porn was a bit confusing and shameful but I chalked it up to straight but curious. I've had gf's and plenty of friends with benefits( all girls) that I thoroughly enjoyed the moments we shared. But when I was 22 away at college, after 4 years with my ex gf had ended I decided to explore my sexuality. I enjoyed the sexual situations I was in with men and had to acknowledge my attraction to both now that I acted on that curiosity. Bisexuality especially amongst men is not taken seriously. There's this straight or gay line that always put me in a state of anxiety. When in situations if someone were to ask me if i am straight I'd probably say "uhhhh sure" but if someone is to ask am I gay I'd say no. It's not 50/50 for me but it's definitely something worth mentioning. But idk ,there's not too much research or conversation on sexual fluidity. It gives me a lot of anxiety. Also in the future every woman I have sex with or start a relationship with I want to tell her I'm heteroflexible but I'm afraid of rejection and her just thinking that I'm gay.

@Surfingthewave I like how you tied that last line in there from my screen name. That was clever. And yeah it's a process. I plan on finding a therapist before this negatively affects my overall mental health and well-being.

@Nahm What you're saying makes sense but I guess I have a need to be reaffirmed. To say sexuality has never been black or white, it's never talked about it being grey, especially amongst men. It's not widely known. So I end up feeling alone on my journey.

@Pharion you're right. It's just difficult navigating without a blueprint. It makes me think about manhood and masculinity in regards of how I present in the world. "Is this too gay or will be perceived as gay?" Thinking no women would want me. That I'm tainted goods. It's horrible for my self esteem. But I don't really hear about men being sexually fluid/ bisexual and being open about it. I know it exist but it's more of this shameful secret. Even to be straight and being in touch with your feminine side. Hopefully I find the peace of mind and tribe of people who are supportive.

I'm in the same boat. I've been edging but sometimes I relapse and ejaculate. I really want to to be multiply orgasmic and have dry non ejacaculatory orgasms but it is hard

You should try kegals and reverse kegals. Great excercise. Also you can try working out more, it increases testosterone.

I'm not sure who has read this book but in this book it talks about ways for men to separate orgasm from ejaculation to have more fufilling orgasms. Initially I bought the book to enhance my sexual experience. As I got deeper in the book it said to not have sex doing these practices with multiple partners. You will absorb their energy and have their karma(something to that effect). To me I wasn't sure if I should brush this off as Taoist dogma or not. Excercises like the microcosmic orbit, the big draw and power locking. There's a spiritual element to these excercises. I meditate daily, but for the purpose of mindfulness, not necessarily a focus on opening chakras and having a Kundalini awakening. I had a bad experience with that before biting off more than I could chew as a teenager. Mindfulness has been my goal for meditation since then. I'm a single guy and love to have sex and it's not always with one person. Should I feel bad because I'm not in a monogamous relationship? I'm also thinking about being in a polyamorous relationship when that time comes. I have a very high sex drive, although I do no fap to control my sexual energy (mantaak chia also believes ejaculation releases chi energy and makes you weaker, not just in masterbation but sex as well). I'm also bisexual. Has anyone read this book, done the excercises on multiple people in a time frame?