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Double post, sorry

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I don't want to progress anymore. I feel like I've spent all of my energy trying to ascend but I'm not built for this kind of society. Is it a bad thing that I don't want to strive and follow all of those successful teachers I've been listening for years? I've learned too much, I've seen what life can become, and I feel like a failure now, not being able to stand up and walk again. I just want to be left here. But it also makes me sad seeing the train of life pass behind me as I fell from it and I don't feel like the energy radiating from people in it is for me anymore. It's not really about giving up. It's more like I know that I'm not one of the persons that will accomplish something. Sometimes I just want to numb myself with entertainement and tell myself it's gonna be ok and cosy, sometimes part of me is screaming and raging so hard that I'm not trying to get better at various things. Maybe I've just been fighting as hard as I could to fit somewhere with a heavier weight that the average person do (heavy depression and anxiety, self diagnosed but probably obvious ADHD and/or autism...or maybe I'm just supposing those words will give me a reason to be a lazy, unorganized, bipolar person), and now it's time to give up. But I can't even rest and accept to be nobody, I'm stuck between 2 mentalities and it's the worst thing. Sorry for the rambling. Don't know what else to do anymore.

I've always been drawn to this, but I've never actually studied it despite reading a few books and watching a lot of videos. People always tend to be vague when explaining why this can't be shown to others. So is it just self-persuasion? Or just nice stories and concepts to make yourself better in various ways? (like tarot for questionning yourself or opening possibilites about your future) Obviously, there's no answer to wether all of this (let's generalize but you can go into details) actually works besides just being tools on the good old material plane. But I tought that some persons in here that have studied and practiced some form of esotericism could have experiences and opinions to share.

One would usually say that this is something younger people do, and that you shouldn't care when you reach some kind of maturity. Personnally, I've always been lazy and admire some types of people from afar, but, not being very practical or disciplined, I actually never tried to be like them, do similar routines, or mostly, just BE like them. For example, I admire strong, brute fighters, with a typical male energy (not the only example clearly, as it can also go the total opposite for me, such as admiring very feminine, fashionable women at times) and I'm someone that's very flimsy, lazy, whiny, overthinking, easily discouraged (along with a lot of qualities that people seem to like in me, but I'm just saying, compared to some people I love watching, I sometimes seem to be the total opposite of them) So the question is along the line of, would I need to trust my general flow/personnality, or would I benefit from "forcing" things that seem unnatural to me, beat myself up to try and become as close to them as I can? Or is the fact that I'm not like them a sign that I shouldn't be? When do I know how to give up and let go of things that fascinate me but doesn't seem to be doable for me? Either some persons like me are not built to be this, or I'm just lazy or looking for excuses. Not sure if I'm being clear here, actually I'm still questionning myself on what all of this means, but the thoughts popped into my head and I thought there could be some way to groy from getting a little outside help/thoughts.

Definitely vouching for Bojack Horseman. Going through it right now and it's fantastic. And I'll add Undone, form the same writer. It's about mental health, time travel, and other things. Hard to get into the rotoscoped graphics for me, but very good show, also pretty short, only 2 seasons and so far it looks like the story is closed.

Good advice, I think. I've been naturaly doing this for whatever reason. Actually, now that I think about it, fo the past 3 years while doing music full time, I have been craving for entertainement I didn't allow myself to have just because I was too old compared to the competition and needed to catch up. So...it might be the backlash. It's either this, or simply whatever part of me telling me to let go because this lifestyle didn't suit me despite my love for the art, Anyway...I have kind of let go for a few months now...but I'm at a point where the "maybe you'll get so into it that you'll never get back out" part is getting more and more real. But you're also right about the fact that if I was into self-development/spirituality for some time now, it's probably hard to kill. I gotta try and strike a balance between letting to see what resurface, but at the same time not letting go while being depressed.

I do have some of the characterisics of bipolarity, but if this is an episode, this one is unusually long. I think it's been getting worse for months now. @Raze Thanks, will watch as soon as I can.

I was about to lie but what the hell, let's look at the actual reality. I probably stopped meditating regularly more than one year ago now. That was the only kind of spiritual exercise I was doing. Daily 20 mn meditation. My diet is...ok I guess. Avoiding packaged stuff, bread, sugary drinks, alcool, not smoking...also a vegetarian if that matters. Formerly vegan but no more willpower left for this. Right now at least. Sports : I've been doing muay thay a few years ago, but I stopped after ending in the hospital after a bad sparring incident. Thankfully nothing bad in the end, but I think I'm a bit scared now and finding reasons to avoid getting back at it. This was the only sport I actually liked (fighting sports in general), but getting older and having 2 cardiac problems doesn't help my medical anxiety, I've had a few good streaks of training at home (light weight stuff/HIIT/running) but a few events in my life lead me to lose motivation and I haven't done anything serious for a bunch of months now. My work's fine, always the same it's been for a dozen years now, night work that allows me to work or play on my laptop, read, or whatever I want for 6 hours out of 8. Writing this makes me think that I've been neglecting basically everything that's recommanded to be healthy both physically and mentally lately. Maybe I should look any further if I want to regain some mental strength. Not sure it's gonna fix all of my problems but it can't kill me. As for having a vision...I have none right now. I've been doing music for the past years in the goal of doing it profesionnally, and I've been making progress, but even if I did, the fact that I naturally lost interest means I probably wasn't made for this anyway (not saying this in a pessimists/loser way, just that it doesn't go well for me doing this on the long run, having pressure making projects for other people) But yeah, since I stopped, I can think of whatever I want, even if I had all the wealth and I support in the world, I sincerely wouldn't know what to do with my life. Your last paragraph does make me think. I could try to turn the tables by changind my point of view on this even and try to view it ad an exciting opportunity to reset. If only I knew which direction to go. I'm the only one that can think about it, so I better start doing it, but my brain is so fucking numb... EDIT "fuck everything, they suck" Not really...I mean, humanity has got me pretty depressed and I can't vibe with most people and feel like everyone is faking in a way, trying too hard to have fun (I know it sounds weird, not sure I can explain exactly). But mostly, it's more like, I can't resonnate with basic human interactions anymore, I'm also faking in my own way. I also feel like, despite the fact that I didn't experienced half of what the average human has in my life (for example, I started dating pretty late in my mid 30s), I've seen it all, I know how people and the work (not in details obviously, just...humans, in a kind of abstract way, I feel like I know them already and they're not interesting anymore to me)

42. (if my writing sounds childish or clumsy, it might be because english is not my first language)

I used the skills I liked the most and got better at those for a few years. I was having a bit of success (extremely relative, but for me at least), but then I just burned out and now it's been months since I haven't tried again (or rather, I did but got pushed by some terrible negative force that coul've been saying something along the lines of "this is done. We don't want this anymore, just stop.") So I decided to do what I couldn't do for years while I was working at my craft and worrying to waste time : enjoying art I like created by others. It felt good at first, but after a few weeks it started to feel very annoying. I love it but...I can't just do that. It feels...stuck? Empty? Irritating? Can't put the right words on this. So there I am stuck in the middle of being able to create things technically but my mind not letting me, and on the other side, appreciating art but my mind doesn't want to either. What the hell? Those have filled my whole life for 40 years and now none of it feels confortable for some reason. Adding to this a very long time depression, and anxiety and other symptoms (self diagnosed ADHD or autism, maybe bipolarity, I don't know, I do check a lot of common boxes of those), I just feel worse and worse, not even good just resting in my own skin. I feel like I'm going towards what society calls "crazy" (simplifying, of course. I just mean that...I can't take living and society aymore). I've been exercising, eating well, have a wife, good friends, etc...but none of it seems to help me feeling better. I'm sorry if this sounds like venting. I just don't know how to live anymore. And I thought a spiritual community like this could have interesting thoughts, even if I'm losing all hope in humanity (I have this weird feeling that...I don't have all knowledge, obviously, but still, that I've seen/heard it all. That life is over for me an that I'm fighting for nothing. This is so weird)

Sorry, no breaktrough here, it's just a weird question I just wondered about : can you feel the effects/states of some aspects of weed are giving you, without actually consuming it? By whatever other spiritual/mystic/neuro hacking (I don't know much about it, just read the term) means or whatever came to you on your way to "enlightening"?

Maybe. But maybe not. Surely, parents can help kids grow in less shallow ways, but I'm sure there's plenty of examples of parents doing the right things as much as they canm yet still losing control. Hell, even we as "responsible adults" know what the better things to do are but we still fuck up. So you can control a kid up to a certain point, but then other things interact. Social pressure to do the same as the other kids, the way the society we live in communicate to us. A kid won't take your word 100% until he dies. He'll experience and test the parent's authority. Anyway, that shouldn't stop us to try our best to raise kids if we do, but I've seen kids, or adults, raise by parents that certainly didn't obtain the results they were going for. Parenthood seems like the most complicated thing ever, requiring an extremeeely hard to achieve balance, in order to get the results you think are the best for the child. Otherwise...Seeing kids zombified on tiktok certainly annoys me. And it certainly is more powerful than what we, older people, might have had experienced by other means growing up. I mean, Other social medias, Internet in general, video games, television... But I think it is also kind of wrong thinking that this will absolutely destroy them. I was overhearing kids talking Tiktok and memeing, and was super mad, but then I remembered. We were like that in our own way. We had our ways of numbing ourselves (and still do but hey), ones that our parents and adult society in general were thinking as badly off as we do of Tiktok. Won't these kids grow up? Did video games and Internet fuck us up and make us unable to think straight, for extended periods of time, and have ambitions at all? And, last point : we cannot stop Tiktok. we cannot stop society evolving the way it does. You think your kids will not have Tiktok? They'll have worse. Look at how fast technology is evolving. Deepfakes, IA generating believable pictures so easily just based on a few words...and of course, the long-awaited technology-fueled dystopias (I'll leave the opinion to each individual, since I am not sure that transhumanism would actually be such as bad thing as it seems) based on old science-fiction concepts So why fight it? Why not make the best we can of this train? Youtube is full of cringy dumb stuff right? Is this all the medium gives to us? Certainly not. It changed my life personnally, since I was able to learned form so many teachers as opposed to way older times were you'd have to believe that one popular book or person in the media without being able to have much sources or alternatives. Tiktok is pretty fucking damn addictive. Not gonna lie. I do uninstall the app every now and then because it's hard to stop scrolling. And it certainly doesn't have a way to help brains get stronger or learn better. But, I love the very condensed and quick aspect of it for glancing at a given subject, Then it's all yours to get down down a rabbithole there or on some other platform or book. Also, for simple fun and comedic purposes, it sometimes does a very interesting job or being able to catch attention and be creative with so little. This is an interesting form of creativity in a way. But yeah, besides that, child porn bad. Just don't make the tool 100% evil or just point it and say how bad it is, because again you won't stop it (by all means, do report problematic child content of course, but just like you would on any other platform), and I don't think this is very enriching to act that way. All that being said...I might be biased. Shit is addictive so I might try to defend it more that it should be?

@flowboy Got it, thanks for the precisions. That being said, I'm still not sure how to go deeper and fix it, find the source of the problem Sure. Anything.

Oh certainly. I'm never thinking about drugs anymore after what happened just with weed, anyway (4 hours or so of thinking I'm actually dying, Was too horrible, can't take the risk. I'm too sensitive and or ADHD/autism/whatever this is I'm not diagnosed with, to ever risk again. Even super mundane things can trigger small panick attacks sometimes, so...).

Not for me. Been a long long time since I didn't smoke, but meditation peak kind of feels like...calm and hovering over everything while feeling your body fully to me (to simplify it cause there's probably a lot more adjectives to describe it), where weed felt...different. Being more sensitive. Accessing different kinds of thinking. Tunnel vision but in a...good way? Going down deep holes. Sorry, my limited knowledge of english language on top of terrible memory (plus been a whiiile since I didn't smoke, maybe 7-10 years) might not allow me to remember fully what it was like. But I know it felt different to me compared to meditation. That being said there is different meditations, different people, and this also matters for the effects of weed that vary too. Wish I could go back to weed to be more precise, but this is what actually triggered my worst cycle of panic attacks, hence why I stopped. I just rememberd the good parts of feeling stoned.

I understand this concept of trauma not being necessarily huge and that it can come from a pretty early stage, I've heard in other places, but I can try and think as hard as I want, I cannot understand even the smallest part of my life where this could come from. That being said...I'm having trouble remembering my past. I don't think I erased anything to protect myself. I was probably just so focused dealing with neurodivergence my whole life that I wasn't vry attentive to what In was living in this present. Maybe. In this case I think my prevous answer still works. I kind of feel life leaving me and it's probably annoying thinking that my future will just be that. But at the same time I also feel that what I'm doing right now aka consuming a lot like I couldn't do for the past year, is a part of me that I had lost. Maybe the idea is not trying to make a living of my passions and just have balance between doing and consuming. Kind of hard to swallow because this means that I'll end up becoming nobody and leave no legacy (I'm not sure we want childrens...and it scares me that I might just end up freaking out and run the idea of having one just cause it's getting late and it seems like the last thing to do to fill my life with purpose...not just for myself, but also to bring a happy child that can matter in the world) @PepperBlossoms I suppose the lesson here is,..don't try hard? As in, it's all in the intent. And if it's too tryhard it is what fucks things up no matter what Interesting

I get the idea of how things should work to get better at something. I understand all the keys. I was on that path. But it doesn't seem to make me happy. That's why my problem is more vague than just not giving up on something, knowing how the progression curves and all that stuff work. The problem is more some kind of existential crisis about why I spent years learning something, why it seemed to work, and why it doesn't now. Also why I don't think anything creative or simply productive would make me happy (after all, this is something like my 3rd or 4th path doing this kind of stuff. Granted all at very level, but still. Music, drawing, making video...) Honestly, the more I talk, the more I feel bad asking anything to anyone else, because despite this inner will to refine things in some way, it all just seems like I don't even know what I'm asking anymore, my thoughts go in circle despite pushing them all I can, it kind of makes me feel nauseuous spiritually (hard to explain, sorry), I feel shame, and it makes it really hard for people to help, and I feel like I'm wasting their time. So, this is a vicious circle I can only escape by not doing anything. In a way, maybe the only way to actually understand is to do somnething that seems obvious but I never did for really long, now that I think about it : meditate, and reflect on myself. I like to think I'm someboy interested in spirituality and person evolution, but I'm actually not. I just read and watch things about it. But I never put to the test the usual methods that are actually supposed to help find my true self...which would be...some somrt of meditation, not sure which, and some processes like shadow work and whatnot. If I knew how to find a good way to start that, since it's not an "exact science". Yes, I know there's also drugs but my anxiety is so strong, panic attacks can come very quick sometimes, even just from a simple medication that I don't know. I actually stopped smoking marijuana because of that. Worst panick attack of my life, lasted for hours, thought I was dying for real.

Being a non-native english speaker, I'm having trouble fully understanding your question. But what I can answer for now, is that, even if my current situaiton feels confortable, I am kind of disheartened by the idea of my future being "just this". I wish I could fully appreciate my play/watching time, but there's always somethign in the back of my head. Not sure if this backgroud thing pointing the fact that I'm not doing aynthing is right, or if it's an annoyance and I should just let go to fully be myself, which may just be...a "normal" person. It seems like nothing but, on a different level than before, I still feel that sensation of being torn left and right, and never fully be able to be present. Sorry, I know all of this is kind of vague.

Thanks for asking. It feels weird. I made some music again but it didn't feel that interesting. Nothing really does, when it comes to creating. So I defaulted back to my older mode of playing games and watching movies. It feels kind of weird but I also very confortable. This fuels me but...not for creating. It just kind of fuels my soul. On the contrary, the content that used to put a spark in me (philosophical, spiritual, self development) doesn't seem to go anywhere, in fact, it's kind of starting to...disgust me? Even physically, just right now I was watching a video of one of my youtube subscription from this one guy I really like that thought me a lot, but it felt bad. And I'm thinking about basically deleting all of this kind of content minus a few that could still go other place than rather just repeat the same basic ideas with different words. I know it sounds off point considering what I was talking about, but I what I mean is that my energy in general is leaning more towards passivity, neutrality, and even if some part of me doesn't like it cause I was convinced it was not the way and every smart people I follow say it isn't, it still feels right somehow. Maybe this is just a break. Maybe my energy, my will, are pretty much dead at this age and if I had to make something, it should've been earlier. For now, I'll just stay in that dark and comfy place of being hypnotized by the endless content I like. It feels weird after years and years of being on a roll, but I just physically can't do aynthing else right now. Sorry for this disappointing answer that's not really in the right mood for this community...

Update : I started doing a bit of music again. It's probably the thing I'm best at and I keep on getting better even if in very small ways. That being said, I don't really feel any joy rom the process and I'm even ashamed to send what I've composed to the people I work with. On the other hand, during my breaks, I started watching movies and series again, and reading comics and books, play video games, and this feels...like home. Always interesting to me. Maybe I should not be trying to accomplish anything creative after all? I don't know if it's because I'm getting old, but my whole soul is whispering some. Even tho I'm not really interested in them, I feel like I should've had children long ago, and they should be teenagers or adults now, and I could finally "rest" from their education, and tell myself I lived my active life and I'm slowly going towards retirement and I can now get back to those passive passions that I used to like. And what's so bad in just living for fun? I refused that idea but it's starting to seem more and more ok to me. What if social media, spirituality, all of these successful people, have actually just caused me pain by making my mind believe that I could be someone exceptional and successful when I'm actually not "made" for that? To achieve anything? I'm so torn. I'm split between those 2 opposite paths, I can't tell which one is wrong, and it's causing me great pain. I just want to be able to flow through life again.

Thanks, I've already seen the Eckhart and Julien ones. Rewatched them again tho. Basically it can be summarized by : be present. Which is probably the most important advice of all to navigate this world, and that I thought I kind of integrated considering the amount of time I-ve heard or read it, but clearly, this is not the case, otherwise I wouldn't be where I am right now. Besides that I don't even know if I'm chasing success that much. I just feel aimless. Maybe I'm confusing things. Maybe for example my love for music could be transfered into talking about music online, and not make it. Who knows. I definitly have ot find a way to dive into my shadow or whatever method could be used, I actually never took the time to do so but I don't know where to start. @Eph75 Thanks. I know of this, and it could just be the simple answer to what is happening. I do feel bad for not knowing the basics and not being a ble to sit throught learning them, despite having produced so many things. Maybe I just subconsciously see the gap between myself and what I consider like "real" artists and this is what's so disheartening to me. Maybe I just need longer breaks. I'm pretty sure I won't be able to resist my whole life without creating anyway. I've already had huge pauses and at some point it just itches too much to get back into it.

I'm not sure nihilism is the right word for this cause I'm having a stereotyped version of it, probably, but I've become either disgusted or bored with people, and I'm wondering : can you give up on people and still be considered awakened? I feel like the answer is no because Love is also incompatible with giving up on humanity, right? But what's the point on not giving up on humanity when clearly, the vast majority wants to die and is so egotistic it would rather burn the planet than stop being egotistic and slow down on capitalism and superfluous confort?)