Fuku

Sorry for double posting but I'd like to add a separate question to my original post : How do I know if what I think I like is what I actually like? Maybe I'm frustrated about it because I'm confusing love for art and love for doing art myself? For some reason I just can't accept the fact that I love music, drawing, or other crafts, and that I wouldn't be actually practicing those myself. But clearly my brain is stopping me from doing those now. Hence why I'm wondering if I'm not confusing my feelings about loving something and doing it myself. But if I'm not doing it, I feel useless because I'd just be someone average that has nothing in his life and those people bore me (most of them, obviously I can just love somebody for their vibe/soul) Sorry, I'm trying to clarify some stuff but it seems like instead I'm just going in circles more and more...

Thanks for the suggestion. I kind of hate the idea or relying on therapists because it's very new to me and I feel like every one of them will recommand some meds to me (I have medial anxiety and even the slightest new medicatio I take can turn panick attacks on pretty quickly...and reading about things like antidepressants and the like is pretty scary for various reasons. I also feel like getting medication would be like hiding the deeper problems by just putting a patch over it. Besides medication, I'm under the impression that most therapists are here to make people talk and realize things about themselves but I've been doing that in depth for dozens of years with close friends and my wife, and I feel stuck. I just let every little thing out but then the words kind of disgust me and I feel bad for stating the obvious, aka there is no solution to my problems and I'm too self-conscious about things. That being said, I don't have any experience with therapists and those are most certainly biases, maybe they can surprise me. Also thanks for the books you recommanded, I'll take a look into those but I see the word trauma used on both and I don't think I've got any trauma, life was shockingly nice to me and I don't even seem to have a reason to be in such a deep mental health mess.

Sorry i advance for my english, not my first language and I'm very tired. I've always loved art : music, drawing, movies...and I've been creating on and off in those mediums. For the first time I settled on something that actually looked like it worked for me (music). I've managed to actually finish stuff and even sell them, which was nearly impossible to me (been avoiding finishing and showing what I've been producing my whole life. And I'm getting quite old). As I started seeing a path I seemed to walk on with confidence for the first time in my life, depression hit me again. And now I've been pushing back my orders for more than a month where as before I was producing super fast. Does that mean that I somehow don't like creating? I'm pretty sure I'm usually having fun when I do it, but right now I just can't seem to have any faith in it. My brain seems to be telling me "give up", but not in a "you can't do it" way..I can't explain why. I've been training for so long, totally forgetting to consume what I love (read, watch movies, etc...but I always end up not doing it cause I've got so much to learn and try doing music...I'm so behind what everyone is watching, reading, playing, and I miss it a lot but I feel like I'm not allowed to do it cause I'm so old that I have to start a dozen years ago if I want to catch up to the level of the industry), and I reached a goal that's very small but that I thought for me was unattainable, but I also feel something's not right despite all of these efforts. That's what people usually suggest to do. Work hard in a field you love, remove distractions...but is it possible that some people's path isn't actually to produce something of value and just to consume? But I can't accept that for some reason. I feel so stuck and I'm getting older. The usual advices doesn't apply. I'm totally lost.

Impressive! Great job. When you say lifting, did you follow any specific source for exercices? Or do you have a personal program? (what type of exercises, how many times a week...?)

I've been happily living in couple for almost 2 years. Soon to be married. I was consuming less and less femdom porn. Occasionally cause I know despite all my partner is doing for me, she can only go as far in this kind of kink. But I really, instantly react to mean girls hurting guys physically and emotionally, and I fell into the rabbit hole again. It's like, when the words or images are right, it puts me in a trance, or rather like a dear i headlight. As much as our sex life is great, the most arousal I've felt lately comes from unspeakable, degrading kind of findom I've seen. I feel like I'm on the verge or falling somewhere and I don't like it, I know kinks are ok but the way I react to this and it suddenly kicked in that strongly...I don't feel good about this. Like it could destroy my couple and almost my life sometimes, like I just want to be a slave to a brat that doesn't care about anything but humiliating and hurting me. I want to, if not get rid of this ideally, understanding why I feel this way despite being happy with someone for the first time in those 40 years I've lived. Most averages places I've asked are always like "it comes from your childhood, or some kind of minor trauma, etc"...but as long as I can remember being aroused sexually, I've always been attracted to women's feet, and later on, everything in the bdsm/femdom realm. But without any kind of mistreatment from my parents or anything (Well, my mom is over protective so maybe I'm doing this to balance something, but still, that doesn't help, I need to find a way out cause I've got things to do with my life and I'm getting my brain fried by findom/femdom more and more these days, instead of working on my projects). Fuck I hate being run by this. But I truly love it. Like I'm made for this. Anything helps honestly, I just thought people around here could help me go deeper or see things in another angle.

How is it unrealistic? Most women I've known (which, granted, is not a lot, so please don't hate on me for saying this but that's how I feel with my limited knowledge) are submissive, but as much as I think that's an average, I also believe there are women that truly enjoy being dominant. Yeah, I hear that kind of theory about foot fetish originating from the first years, with the example of a mother too busy to give lots of love/attention to a toddler, that would then often be at floor leve, so seeing mostly his/her mother's feet, and...the rest of the reasonning is kind of logical I guess. We love each other, are honest, and being insecure, she often suggested to me I could see someone else. But I know that would destroy her. I ust know, I can't. But I've seen a few pro dommes before starting to get in relationships. So I've kind of explored it, maybe not long enough. I'm not sure this can be qualified as fantasy as I experienced it and loved it...at least the few things I wanted to out of lots more. Well, I wish my brain would understand that. Sex is still a very powerful thing, even on the screen, it feeds something in me and I can't help but coming back to it...even if I truly love real sex.

I love women, sometimes even feel like I worship them, but this is complex as I know it's not the role I feel most men should adopt if they wanna satisfy most women. I didn't think I could develop purely male traits but I did with time in my couple, even in bed, and I like it. I also love some aspects of feminity as far as I can perceive, but females also feel alien to me. I learn to know the people disregarding their gender in the end, but I can clearly see difference, some social contructs, some not. On one hand I just wanna worship women, on the other hand I feel some kind of strong independant side in me and my thin experience of relationship seems to tell me that, despite the true love that's between us, men and women (or any couple) are not meant to live together sometimes. But I might be wrong, really. On any of those questions. Almost 100% confortable expressing my emotions (if you mean when in couple, obviously not on the questions I started the topic with, but I think that's an exception, we talk about everything as far as we can). I'm someone that's not perceived to be angry, and I'm not most of the time, you really have to push me far or trigger certain thins (hitting on weak/"dumb" people or animals, otherwise, you can say pretty much anything and it's usually pretty hard to trigger me). As for fear, I have anxiety problems. Most of the time I think it comes from either health (speak about something and I start getting afraid I have it or I jsut imagine symptoms and derail into panic attacks), or time (I will never have enough time to satisfy both my crreative need and the desire to consume an exhaustive list of things I want to watch/read/listen to) I love mother and same goes with her. Also my father. We're extremely different and the 3 of us are clumsy in relationships but we know we love each other and I only feel warmth when I'm not annoyed by their conservative views of the world. As for patterns it seems obvious that anxiety comes from both of my parents. I don't think anything else is noteworthy. I never tried working with my inner child. Will look into it even if the concept didn't resonnate with me the few times I heard about it in some spiritual teacher's videos. I feel like this whole child track is "wrong", but where else can I even look at... I think I get the idea and I've already heard it before, but I never managed to see how my kinks fit this pattern, sorry... I'm not sure I experienced any of those... My brain feels number than ever these days, I'm experiencing a deeper and deeper depression, so I'm having trouble putting the pieces together, but maybe being the opposite of protected and loved coming the form of being hurt and degraded is valid? I'm having trouble actually feeling this idea but that's as far as I can see. I mean, being loved and protected, what kind of fetish does that usually generates in a child? And thanks for the books recommandations. Will take a look.

This might sound creepy but the furthest memory I have related to femdom is me age 8-10 year old or so, playing with other kids the same age at a marriage. We were playing in another room from where the parents were, and I just remember this game where a girl lined boys and tried us as "chairs" to see "which one was more confortable". When my turn came my parents came to get me cause they were going home so I couldn't played the game and that left me frustrated I think. Again this might sound weir but that's what I remember. Also...for some reasons I always found sex "disgusting" for a long time (now that I experienced it, pretty late, I love it, but before, I didn't care and mostly masturbated to femdom almost exclusively. Anything else often was to follow along what other boys/teens liked I think) Pretty sure I would. Good question. I don't think I can say unless I experienced this. On one hand I think I was fine for most of the times I did stop watching porn (few months I'd say?) but at the same time when I stumble upon it and crawl into the rabbit hole again, I feel like this something I absolutely can't dissociate from me, the feeling is stunning, almost if I connect with something greater that makes me abandon myself to...not sure how to explain it.

Probably not...more free time wouldn't mean better results or more happiness but I'm fine with the time I have and my job I think. I mean, ideally I'd wanna spend my whole time working on music the whole time, but I'm still lucky to have a job that allows me to do so while earning money. (even if night job is certainly having an effect on my health and depression...I've always been depressive tho so it's not the cause) Because I'm late to "the game" (I might wanna chose the road where I only do the art I love spontaneously to share it whatever the size of the audience, but right now I believe the road is learning how to make a living of it and that's a game which I'm not very skilled at. I know my potential and how lucid I am but as for learning seriously I started very late. Definitly what I wanna do. I experimented it firt hand with the lockdown, I didn't worked for 3 months or so and it "felt like it". What I wanna do with my days. I might be wrong but I feel like it's actually for me yes. I enjoy it so much I get lost in it. I just have to start even with the intent of tweaking 1 small thing for 2 minutes and I'm still doing music 8 hours later. Nothing noteworthy I believe. I'm just an only son and she does everything she can and always did until I lived alone and even then, she's still offering help to do chores only I should do. When I said overprotective it might've sound like a big word but she's adorable, just anxious and always trying to do things before I can even think about it. I honeslty don't know haha...sorry My fiancee is very understanding and as much as she don't like being separated from me, I think I could do something like a few days? I don't know. Sorry if I didn't answer everything, it's just that I didn't have answers

I think I get it, thanks! Even if this doesn't "solve" this problem at least I will have learned some interesting way to proceed today thanks!

@mandyjw I just read the first page and I'm not exactly sure where to go with it, but it was definitly interesting to learn about Kali. On top of looking like it would make pretty epic fictions to watch or read , I actually felt like I was resonating in some way with what was being told here. It also felt pretty...reassuring? Maybe that's just the fact that an archetype guides my thoughts. I'm not sure I'm smart or analytical enough to interprete all of this tho, but working with archetypes definitly seems like an interesting idea for someone that's as mentally distracted as me. I've also aways had this tendency to not wanna stick to something and not "read the manual" ever since I was a child (even if I'm interested in learning in small bits), so it could be good for me to have this kind of "guide" to work with. I think I'll browse for some books about Kali/indian mythology and try to see if I can go further with this. Anyway, thanks. Still not sure how to proceed but this is opening doors, for sure. As for the link between sexual energy and creativity, I've often heard that an I can kind of get the idea (well I mean, it is obvious in a way), but I feel like this kind of sexual feelings/arousal is different in my case, at least it feels different. Not sure how to explain it. Anyway, thanks a lot. EDIT : @Nahm Oh I see you've corrected "women" to "men" in your previous question. So, to answer that, I'm pretty sure every men doing this is enjoying it (on the moment that is, not that it's actually something they know benefits their life on the long term...even if lots of people in this kind of kink pride on it as a lifestyle. And I mean..that's ok if you're feeling ok. I'm not.)

@mandyjw Yes...I'm intererested in all of thoses but actually never got past occasional streaks of "basic" meditation. I always feel like I will dig deeper but this might just be me reassuring myself to keep procrastinating on those subjects. I will look into your links. Do you feel like Kali is linked in any particular way to my problem(s)? Or do you suggest I'd rather read and then search the answer for myself with this archetype as a prism for personal interpretation? (not sure if clear, englsh is not my first language) Anyway, I should not even ask and just dig those ressources myself instead of asking for spoonfeeding. Thanks. Work : I don't respect this work cause it doesn't serve any purpose that's linked in any way to what I feel like I should be doing with my life (which is easier said than done cause it's "artistic" stuff and it's not a simple path. Making tiny steps on the side to learn and enjoying every bit of it tho. Videos : it depends. But I tend to like people that genuinely seem to have fun degrading/hurting men. But of course it's also for the money as it's often their "profession". I've met some in real life and it's kind of easy money in a way so, yes, it's often also for money most of the time I suppose.

Yep. Not a work that I respect but it offers the benefit of leaving 80% of my work time to myself to do whatever I want with access to my personal laptop.

Active/creative or anything passive is fine? Active : making music, making videos, combat sports/martial arts (but I can't do those anymore since this year because of medical reasons so that really hurts me since I don't think I love another type of sports that much....Even if I should try something else when the whole covid situation allows it) Passive : watching movies, series, anime, listening to a wide range of music and discovering stuff, spending time with pets, debating

I always feel huge resistance trying to find a life purpose. Maybe it's because of depression, maybe it's because I haven't engaged in the right path that would feel natural to me. That being said, I wonder these days : what "happens" if you just surf life consuming other's creations without having a particular life purpose other than basic survial (in the traditional sense) needs yourself? Of course, nothing litterally happens, you probably just live like "most people". But spiritually, is being curious and having fun fulfilling enough? Or will I always feel the lack, the missing part that I envision when I try to project myself in this type of situation when I achieved nothing in particular? Personal backrground : I'm asking this because I've always loved art but I'm objectively bad at the ones I like, and I can't really produce anything, just rough, unfinished stuff for myself. I know there is a process to fix this. But doesn't the fact that I still didn't produce anything being middle-aged mean that I believe art is some sort of life purpose for me when I actually just feel a connection and feed of it? Not by being an artist (people always conflict on the meaning but say an artist is someone that uses art, no matter the result) myself? Thing is, I also feel a resistance to letting go and only being a consumer even if a truly love various forms of art and I want to experience a lot more. Basically, I'm stuck in the middle of those 2 very rough paths, and even trying to envision a middle way where art would just be for fun irritates me. So my thoughts about this are going in some sort of a loop and I can't seem to find a way out. I don't even know what I'm asking here. I just feel really lost and I'm hoping a fellow human has any idea or experience that could spark a new way of thinking, or anything else.

It's probably not new, but I thought this little game could be interesting and enriching.

@Leo Gura There's one thing I don't understand. I'm not saying your feelings or realizations were wrong, but when you basically say people can't reach those levels or consciousness without 5 Meo DMT, it frustrates me a bit and I'm not sure why. This will never happen but say I realize the things you realized with alcool, or any drug. Would that mean that keeping on taking these drugs is a good idea or that it was in the first place? And, more important and maybe a bit more clear, does that mean that all the """masters""" in the past all took 5 Meo DMT to reach those levels of englightenment? To be honest I know I'm anti drugs/psychedelics cause I can't really take even the slightest drug well and I'm very reactive and had horrible bad trips with basically nothing but...I think that even if I'm biased on this, my previous questions still stand. At leasr the previous one.

What do you think about it? I'm trying to get out of my usual way of thinking. Like "it's ok, to each their own, as long as you don't hurt someone". But actually, what if this hurts myself? It might seem like a lot, but I think that since my teens, I've been masturbating to literally 90% of femdom porn. All kind of sub-fetish that includes female domination. And male domination too, anything that's degrading or inflicting pain. I practiced it myself a few times in the past year and I loved it, I think it's an awesome experience and pushing the boundaries of pain and/or domination really puts you in a very particular kind of transe at some point. Submitting to a woman is the thing that absolutely, instantly turns me on (even if I can and had have some vanilla relationships and my body also reacts instantly so at least there's that). Now it might have something to do with the fact that I feel like I'm often not worthy of having a relationship and didn't have many, and in this regard I'm wondering if it's sane to actually keep that fetish in my head and masturbate to it (it's not compulsive tho, it was at some point but now I'm switching to nofap -only once a week in the beginning- and it's working). So basically 1) does femdom always hide some kind of trauma, and how can I ever find it cause I can't pinpoint any specific moment that would have turned this on, I think I was attracted to this from a pretty young age. It was foot fetish first but yeah. 2) What do you think about this fetishes and kind similar ones including domination and pain? Good/bad for the mind? Any good books or video on the subject maybe? Not sure if this topic serves any purpose but I'm trying to review certain aspects of my life and understand/get rid of some, so there it is.

Ok I actually never did journaling. I don't know why and how, but I might as well try. So, this will not be about spirituality values right now (cause I feel like I'm getting """better""" at viewing the world and myself in general), but rather about more classical self-development things. I feel a strong need to pass through stage orange (to simplify) values. Cause I spent a lot of time alone with my night job for 10 years and missed a lot of social life. I could just start moving my ass out when I have free time but I also feel like I really need a way to free myself from work because I can't bear the thought of wasting time working for someone and something I don't care anymore. When I achieve that and find a way to sustain myself (this is going to be a long way but at least my work leaves me a lot of free hours during the night to think, plan and learn), I think everything will come together. I'm not waiting on any kind of personal business success to be happy or grow myself spiritually tho. This is always happening on the side. But it will at least give me fulfilling day and free time of my choice. But I feel like a piece is missing. If my daily life is not fulfilling and I missed experiences (work, relationships - in my whole life, none lasted more than 2 months for different reasons, once I left, once I was thrown out very harshly-). I also miss knowledge. I'm not someone practical at all. More on the artistic side. So 2 things from there : - I have to try and find a business that lets me use one of the things I know how to do (well, badly, but that I know I can learn to get to an acceptable level) : illustration, video, or maybe music. I'm really drawn to Youtube videos too. Not sure if this should be a part of my business like promoting, or literally my full business. I have one "niche" that could work in my head but I'm not sure you can actually still make money only from Youtube views. If anyone passing by knows, I'm listening. But pretty sure it's only part of a system of making money, not the main way. Currently trying to make lists based on ikigai and such. I'll be generous and give myself until the end of this month and start doing actual work. - I have to learn about more practical things. I have no general knowledge, basically. I only fed myself with entertainment so far in my life. So I'm pretty good at analyzing what I know (movies, comics, animation), but nothing else. So I decided to gather a list of books. I love reading books but I don't really read anymore because Internet and games took all my attention. Got rid of games, now I have to limit my Internet use. I also love researching things (might this be a piece of the puzzle of my life purpose? Maybe a less utopic job that I didn't think about?), so I cross-checked sources from people I like, and looking for average opinions and popularity, and made a list of books in various domains that I can read to enrich my general knowledge. It's just a start, but if anyone's interested : History Science Business Esoterism/Paranormal/Magic Psychology Spirituality/Philosophy Religion (I don't like the idea of religions, but I'm also drawn to it for some reason, plus it's good to know what you're talking about when it has such an important place in the world) And, not my priority even if it's what I like the most so far, but fiction (I think I'll "reward" myself with those if I advance far enough with the rest), as I didn't read many classics or popular books either. I don't know if I'm still a fast reader as I was like when I was younger, so I'll see how fast I can read one book, but my goal, even if it doesn't seem to be a lot, should be something low like 4 books per month. One (average) book per week should be doable. Random things I have to keep in check : - Stop trying to convince people who didn't asked for advice or a debate. You did this too much. Justification everywhere. Trying to change people. Even if it's for the better, if they're not ready, they're just not. You feel it when you're talking to them so change the subject. Also don't react when people react harshly to your different views of the world. Don't try to justify yourself more than you should. - Stop smoking/vaping. Just stop already. You don't do it most of your day, barely vape a tiny bit everyday, but for some reason when you're with friends, you smoke cigs. Need more mindfulness here. - Not buying anymore books to minimize space and spare money. I will read the books for free or paid ebooks, and buy the material versions later if it's a book I really liked. - Question the type of sport you should do. Muay thai is super fun but this type of sport might be too much for my frail body at my age. One day, you'll get hurt for real. Maybe I should try a lighter martial art or just another sport. Team sport? Would help me to communicate better too. - Start doing other spiritual practice besides meditation, reading and listening to videos. Probably kriya yoga. - 20 mn daily meditation is steady so far, but I have to start making it longer progressively. Something like 5 mn per month?

See title. I'm starting to get used to the "quiet the thoughts, relax, be everything" type of meditation. I want to go further, explore other things. What other types of meditation exist, and what specific purpose do they serve?

I get you. I really don't think I'm doing it for social status tho. Rather to try and learn some qualities usually linked to the average male that I lack and that can be useful in life (not only in flirting, dating...). For instance, I lack the kind of alpha decision/initiative taking. But to link it back to relationships, it's also useful as it's clear that somewhere in my head I feel inferior (as opposite to equal, or "one with", not superior) to women in a way. I am opened, honest and do speak my mind and keep the stances I believe in, but I lack some kind masculine presence (physical escalation, to take an example). My exes were all very patient and helped a lot in making the first steps. Anyway...not sure if I'm or make any sense, I'm pretty tired and my english (and ideas in general) are falling appart.

@Consilience That's great! Exactly the kind of stuff I was looking for. Thanks man.

@Colin The 5 second rule! Love this. Will definitily implement this in my routine. Thanks.

Be mindful of what you're doing. Stop thinking about the why and the future. Get rid of doubts, find what you like and do it. Also : is a video game real? As in real life, real achievments? But most people and probably you, enjoy it, right? Why play it if it's not real?

He's still banned in several countries and I remember the hate wave was pretty hardcore at the time. Anyway, no need put a number on this I suppose. What he went through was still kind of hell. Put him on the right direction at least. About his program ; sure, he doesn't invent anything. But lots of teacher (or artists) don't. They just take what they like in different things, present it in their own way (many people wouldn't be able to listen to someone like Sadhguru or Eckhardt, but they can listen to guys from RSD because they're more energetic and seem closer to the average viewer/listener). Nothing bad here. Either you chose your prefered type of speaker, or you just sample from everyone, it's what I do and it's interesting hearing different voices on similar ideas. PS : it doesn't seem to be 1000$ btw. Quick glance gives me 300 to 600 depending on the package. But these guys offer so much value anyway. They put out regular valuable content on their individual channels + RSDfreetour. Long , interesting and often hilarious videos. I don't feel the need to join a program right now as I have pretty much all the cards and I know I need to actually do stuff to advance, not learning more. But if any RSD teacher comes by close to my area for a seminar, I'd totally go and give them money, they deserve it.