Navyissuedwife

Turns out Leo is right, marriage is surely a bunch of chimpery.. I am 23 years young, a young wife and a young mother. My whole life I have been convinced by society that as a lady you must marry and you must submit to a marriage. Now, I've only recently been more aware of myself and my own behaviors that I am now realizing, that not only is my husband all wrong for me but he may not even be able to grasp some of these basic life lessons and concepts. I think to myself, wtf is marriage really......and then I realize, damn, I really put myself in my own trap. I married too young and too fast to even realize who I was with, I mean I'm still realizing who I am and what I want. This person I married, at first, didn't show red flags necessarily but, right after bootcamp, he's pure chimpery......PURE CHIMPERY. Like, the Navy does their job well..because now I have a possessive, obsessive, controlling, clingy, vapid husband. I feel like he can't really get on my level of thinking, we just can't meet eye to eye, especially being long distance. He just doesn't get why it's not healthy to call me 20x in a row when I don't answer, or why it might be suffocating to call me right after you hang up. Or maybe just because you're married doesn't mean we have to share everything! like social media account, bank account, ect... I love being my independent self, and I am on a journey of fixing these issues i'm having in life currently. As a wife who stays at home with two kids.....I am put in the backseat, ready to follow this chimp around the U.S. so that he can do his chimp things and live his chimp life. I CANT DO THAT TO MYSELF, & you know sometimes I feel like the greatest gift to my children would be for me to leave this relationship and find a true sense of myself, for them, so that they can learn too. AND IT IS. the hardest part is taking that leap to get going. Not knowing whats next or where i'm going, seeing how I do have two kids I can't run off and go find myself, I have to be a productive member of society, so it's a matter of finding the right time for me..... I used to believe in marriage but now I feel like it's literally a joke, but maybe I just need to find not the perfect person but, that person that wants to learn and grow with me...and then DONT get married....because what is modern marriage a HUGE scam for businesses ! Like the chimpy ass lawyer i'll be paying for my divorce!!!! GAH!! What are some thoughts on marriage? Would you ever get married? What do you believe works for you?

@Simon Zackrisson I'm going to have to read this because I've always wondered about that.

Thank you for that insight, you're very much appreciated!!

You're absolutely right! I've been noticing the same thing thru out my marriage. I love my husband and I want to be able to help him as well as myself. I just want the best for both of us.

I agree 100% I am to blame as well. I should have realized what I was going in to, although I did not expect these results out of myself. I was a completely different person not even a year ago. I didn't think the way I think now. I didn't understand the things I understand now. And being in an actual committed marriage is still teaching me things about myself!

REAL forgiveness is what started me on this journey of self improvement!!! If I never got thru this point in my life of understanding I would be a very hurt and lost individual. My parents were very neglectful and abusive type people when I was growing up. My dad never ever realized how much his behaviors affected us kids, even when I started developing illnesses from the behaviors. As a 16year old girl living with just her abusive and neglectful father and evil stepmother, I vilified him! The sound of him chewing could send me into rage mode. As I got older and realized I too was falling into the trap of family cycles I realized oh no I can't be like my parents, so I started improving my thoughts, about them and myself. I guess making these realizations made me want to look positively and knowing I can't blame my parents for who I am today, they have no say in my life or the way I conduct myself, they didn't teach me to better myself, I did, so how can I hold them responsible for the negative impact on my life. If I was smarter back then I could have done some things to change the situation. Today I respect my father and I love him very much, I see how much of a great man he is, and that he too must teach himself self improvement and he has, and I'm very proud. Forgiveness of him was the greatest gift I've ever given myself, playing the victim would have gotten me no where.

This is very true, I love that quote. The observer is the observed, very true! I feel like my culture that I grew up in is very vague. Being a white American with no religion experience I'm left with essentially almost a blank page, I take away what I want from other cultures and I instill those values into my own life because I see that it is right for me.

I understand the demands of the military, I've seen it rip apart my own family. I grew up a military brat myself. My thing is, I don't blame him for the what the military has instilled in him, but there comes a time to be honest with yourself and when I ask him to please be open to self help and self knowledge , he is at first but then it's like the next day he didn't learn anything.....like he retained no information. I'm desperately trying to get him more involved in his own thoughts and his own self awareness but if he doesn't want to put in the effort then I'm not sticking around, you know. He will have to figure this stuff out without me. Even being apart it's very hard for me to work on myself because when he's not busy in class ( he's still in a school)he's literally blowing up my phone. & I hate being on my devices all day, so I explain to him what would be healthy in this situation and he's still a clinger. Haha I'm hoping I can provide him with more resources when we are actually living together so he can get better help but if he's still wanting to be stuck, I'll be moving on. I realize I have way to much potential to just be a 3rd generation military wife. I definitely do not want to be my grandmother or my mother.

This is crazy, I couldn't imagine the pressure that you probably have to deal with. I'm lucky I didn't grow up with religion being taught to me, but I still had expectations to live up to...I just don't think I've really cared about hiding anything from my family. It must get frustrating at times.

I myself believe I've learned thru experience maybe a lot more subtle.... Just going into areas of another culture than yours is very eye opening. I have been to several countries and the culture shock is just...life changing haha. Like seeing how the Japanese live compared to what I know is still very much mind blowing to me....so many new and unusual concepts that you don't see anywhere else.... I feel like travel can only make you smarter if you learn how to observe and appreciate your surroundings. Hell, just going from the south to the east of the U.S. Teaches me about culture and life and maybe about the kind of person I might want to be...if that makes any sense....

I never thought I would be this way but I am surely an advocate for just saying no to marriage. You can live with someone and be with someone and not go thru with a marriage like process. As long as that person is on the right understanding, and understands boundaries!! So IMPORTANT to understand and establish boundaries in all of your relationships!!