Identity

First of all, it can be useful to acknowledge the great position you have put yourself in. Building up a successful business that is generating a lot of income is not a small feat. It sounds to me that you are coming to the end of this chapter though. As described in Leo's vid about life unfolding in chapters, that comes with a time of uncertainty. It can be useful to acknowledge that the fears and doubts that come with this stage are natural. What can you do to move through this stage in a healthy way and get out the other end with more clarity and alignment?

Alright, so, I'm chilling, eating my dinner. On a microdose of LSD and smoked a tiny bit of weed, vibing, but very low dosage. During the dinner, the following video is recommended to it and I watch it: Around 15:00, the experienced woman guides the Sky Life girl to start channelling this alien energy for the first time. The intensity of the exchange made me cry. Then, there was a guiding to do this myself. Opening my mouth upwards, this energy came through me, and I was speaking some sort of 'words' much like in the video is shown. The experience also came, more importantly, with a 'feeling' and 'images' although these descriptions don't fully justify the breath of the experience. When the experience started, the internet (which always works) lagged through which automatically paused the video. The experience only lasted for around 15-30 seconds. Exactly when I closed my mouth, the internet reconnected and the video continued. This happened literally just now, so wanted to capture the report as it is still fresh.

Getting back into the whole dating game after coming out of a long-term relationship at the moment. First of all, Leo, perfect fucking timing with your video's. Very helpful. Just wanted to reflect on the interesting difference in power dynamics I'm experiencing with two girls at the moment. One girl is definitely a nice girl, but honestly, I was somewhat doubting going on a date with her in the first place. When we did go out, I felt very naturally entitled to escalate physically. In a way, my subconscious mindset was 'well, if this doesn't lead anywhere on the first date, I doubt I will go on a second date'. Things progressed quickly and effortlessly; drink in a bar, back to my place, kissing, sex. Afterwards, she was the one to further talk about setting up the next date. Texting me again today asking if we should see each other this weekend. In my mind, it's kind of like 'oke, nice'. Then today I was on a date with this ridiculously beautiful eastern European girl. Like, my body and mind is still in awe of just how beautiful this girl is. I've been the one pushing things forwards from the beginning. On the first date, a week ago, we went for a walk and had a glass of wine at my place. But I literally only gathered my balls to kiss her at the very end. I was quick to follow up with some texts to set up the second date. Today, a lot of effort was put in from my side; cooking dinner for us and making a dessert. Talking the whole evening, three hours straight. I tried to kiss her one time, which she rejected. Then, in the last half an hour we got to dancing a bit and we kissed a bit. When I started grabbing her booty, she gave me a 'na-ah'. Bit more kissing before she went. As she left, I said 'we can set something up when I get back in a week'. She responded with a 'we will see'. And still after all these hurdles, my whole being is on cloud 9 just thinking about how tasty her lips are. Isn't it crazy how the perception of our value relative to the other person plays such a huge role in how we behave towards them in these dating scenarios? With the second girl, it's a great time and all that, but I could see how if we were to get in a relationship, that would be a terrible idea for me. I would be this puppy begging for her scraps. I can see in her eyes how she just knows she has the power to do what she wants. Like, if she would not have respected me at all, she would not have come out on a second date. But I doubt there will be a third date. If there will be, and if the relationship would be to continue, it would consist of me doing everything I can to bring as much value to her as I can, whilst she would be there just twisting her thumbs, doing as she pleases. Whilst with the first girl, she is excited talking about how she will put on high heels to try some BDSM stuff. Me being the one who is like 'meh, we will see'. Just crazy to see how the difference in perceived value makes such a difference in our behaviour and the power dynamic within the relationship. Just wanted to share those thoughts and brag about the fact that I went out with this hot girl.

Actualizers looking for stage coral ?

@Emotionalmosquito pretty sure. But I’d have to become the equivalent of that to have her around. Working on it.

I want a girl that is seriously tasty. A girl who’s whole body and energy is radiating juicy femininity. I see some thick glossy lips. A booty that lends itself to be grabbed and slapped appropriately, nice and curvy. The look in her eyes is strong, confident, embodied, loving, giving. She has a lot to offer and is here to give, but she isn’t here to play around with bullshit. Her gaze looks right into my soul, because is she fully connected to hers. She allows herself to melt into surrender and love as I hold her. Her body is radiating pleasure. She is like a juicy peach that wants to be bitten into. Her heart is so open it scares me. She is so vulnerable and fearless. Love pours out through her arms as we hold eachother. I can feel it break down my own barriers as I match her love. It brings tears into my eyes to hold her. She is free, we are free. There are no expectation games, a need for the other to act in a certain way. Being together naturally emerges effortlessly and timelessly.

Maybe there is some validity to what you are saying. But what do you want to focus on, what is outside of your control or inside it? All the things you mention; the fact that it is winter, sex-drive, runny nose, are all in the circle of concern. What is inside your circle of control? What can you do inside these circumstances for your game to flourish?

@Khr @hyruga My mother is Russian and my ex-girlfriend was Romanian, so I know a thing or two about the culture @Leo Gura Yup, raised my self-esteem and perceived value a lot over the past five years. Now the content of the upper and lower limit changed whilst the same underlying structure still applies. Doubt this girl will stay around for long. It's weird, because in a practical way I do feel like she is out of my league and that she is the prize. At the same time, I do have this feeling as well that she would be lucky to be with me and I wouldn't actually want to be in a relationship with her. Guess that's also the difference in self agendas. She would be the prize to have sex with. I would be the prize to be in a relationship with.

I've been out quite a few times alone. It was very challenging for me honestly. This idea of me being a lonely creep hitting on girls was a mindset that kept coming up. What worked best for me, is to just own it. Trying to make excuses or lies was just a facade that did not make the underlying feeling go away. A few times, I just walked up to random people and told them as one of the first things that I was alone. The responses were actually very kind in general. Once I knew a few people at the party/club, I actually did not feel alone anymore. There was a base that I could go back to. From that point onwards, the response to a question like "with who are you here" did not matter much anymore, because in the end, it's more about the underlying state and confidence with which the answer is given, not the answer itself. Once in state, the results can start to come in hehe.

Thought this little excerpt from this amazing stream was a funny characterisation of stage Green. From 1:10:36 till 1:11:00 "All Ideas are welcome, all people are welcome. That's how we do around here. If you don't think that way, you can get the fuck out. Because you are not welcome. You don't agree, you are not welcome. Everything, all cultures, all people are welcome. And if you disagree with that, you are not welcome."

Around half a year ago I had an experience with a woman. We were just sitting, talking, and looked into our eyes for some time. I experienced something wierd where her face changed shape and the rest outside her face became blurry. It lasted for maybe half a minute. She told me that during that time window, she looked into my past life and told me I had been a priest in a past life. I was like oke, interesting experience. Lets just park it there and not read too much into it. Maybe it was a past life thing, maybe it wasnt, who knows. That brings us to tonight. Beside an overall quite intense evening where I opened up a lot about awakening experiences and sadness on my heart and more, something I had not done before, a second similar experience happened. My friend and I had been having a deep conversation for a while, when we made eye contact for 10 seconds or so. His face started to change shape, and similar things started to happen as the first experience. I was like “Don’t mean to freak you out here, but there is this vibe in the air, similar to a past life experience I had a while back, do you want to explore it?” He said yes. He also became present and looked into my eyes. Both of us got chills up our spines and both of us saw the other’s face change shape. Accompanied were blurring of the space around the face and the face becoming dark. Neither of us were able to perceive anything more than the wierd sensations and shifting of form. any thoughts? Similar experiences?

As I am digging into my fears and insecurities around sexuality and relationship, this interesting insight came to me that I want to share. This excerpt from the book Letting Go by David R. Hawkings gave the insight: "The real cause of "stress" is actually internal; it is not external, as people would like to believe. The readiness to react with fear, for instance, depends on how much fear is already present within to be triggered by a stimulus. The more fear we have on the inside, the more our perception of the world will be changed to fearful, guarded expectancy. To the fearful person, this world is a terrifying place. To the angry person, this world is a chaos of frustration and vexation. To the guilty person, it is a world of temptation and sin, which they see everywhere. What we are holding inside colours our world." When I go out into the world with my girlfriend, I am fearful and anxious. Especially when she is radiating her feminine beauty in a party situation. What I see, is other men as potential preditors that can capture my girlfriend. I am in fear and feel the need to be defensive and control. In reality, it is not the external world that is causing this. It is really my own guilt that I am projecting. During my pick-up fase, I was an unconscious preditor. I did not care about the girls and their potential boyfriends. In one instance, I actually kissed a girl in front of her boyfriend. Now I am carrying that guilt and am projecting it onto the world. Funny how karma works. Now I am ready to let go and forgive myself. Anyone that can relate?

I feel insecurity and fear at the core of my being when it comes to sexuality. Any recommendations for how one can go about healing that?

@bejapuskas Yeah, she really does want me to enjoy it. And I do to some degree. But it’s challenging for me to feel into my body and just enjoy the sensation. There is just a tendency to want to manage and control: should I come or not come? I should be liking it and showing her! Instead of just letting go. haha, where do you smell daddy issues, from my or her side? Yeah, we do talk about our parents, our upbringing and trauma’s we picked up along the way. That being said, fully healing them is another thing though. I’d say the relationship with my dad has improved tremendously the last couple years. Not perfect, but it’s quite good. From her side there are some deeper wounds.

Hello, yes life is good and safe on this side. I hope things are the same for you. Thank you for your insights When it comes to the question of giving or receiving, honestly, I think both. Probably more with receiving. Giving in terms of oral or something comes quite easy. Receiving orally is way more challenging for me, although the desire is definitely there. It is more feeling my own turn-on that is the challenge. Also the balance between on the one hand feeling my turn-on and being grounded in that, whilst on the other side also being in touch with her. My focus can easily get lost on either of them, both ending in an undesirable way. Luckily the communication between my girlfriend and me is good and strong. We openly discuss what we like/don't like and what our desires are. These desires are also quite well aligned. The problem is mostly that I get blocked when trying to make them a reality. The idea of writing out sex stories is a good one! I have written a few in the past, but short and few. Also, love the idea of sharing them with my girlfriend. Yeah, that is a great idea. I think she will also really like that and it could spark us to further explore those fantasies The frustrating thing is, that she is sexually open, our desires align, we communicate about it, she provides the space and encouragement for me to act them out, yet even with all these things in place, I still fall into the same patterns. I get scared, into my head, lose connection with my desire, literally feel my sexual energetic pathways closing until I have this blocked feeling in my stomach that seems impossible to overcome in that moment. I do feel like the past few years it has been healing and getting better but in small gradual steps. I want to bust it open with some dynamite hehe.

Haha interesting. I'm from NL as well. Would be my preference to go here. But now that you mention it, maybe I should not limit myself to it. I'll let you know if I book a spot

My natural desires and expressions definitely lean more towards sexually dominant. That is what pulled me since I was young when watching porn and in my fantasies. Not to say that I could never be submissive. Nope, never tried cuckolding and/or humiliation therapy. Not sure what that is to be honest. Could you provide some more insight please? Hmm, if I had to choose between assertive and passive, I would say passive. At least not assertive in an overly masculine sense. A healthy sense of boundary and confidence is definitely attractive to me. But yeah, I like it when a girl gives me the vulnerable eyes and melts through my presence. A certain fystiness can also be very attractive though. A kind of 'come get me' attitude. Through the age of 14-24 I have watched a bunch of different types of porn. However, the period that lasted the longest for me was also based around a more male dominant category. I mostly really enjoyed when the girl was really taken away, emersed in the experience and was showing her pleasure strongly. I haven't had any gay experiences. Also have not really be compelled to explore, at least consciously. When I was growing up there were some short periods where I doubted my sexual orientation. However, they were not very prominent. Also, my attraction towards classical feminine girls is definitely there. Maybe if I would be truly open, there would be some degree of attraction towards males, but honestly, that doesn't seem to be the core of the issue and I would not be open to exploring that further at this point in time.

Yooo, this looks amazing! I would have signed up right away for the one happening in The Netherlands in September, but I can't on those dates unfortunately. Will keep an eye out for the next one. Thanks for sharing!

Hmm interesting. The thing is, creativity is something I do feel quite connected to. I love to dance and pre-corona I would often be at the centre of the dancefloor. There is also a lot of creative expression in my work. It is more cognitive, but I am constantly creating new content and workshops. Drawing is something I have been wanting to go deeper into for a while. Maybe I will give that a try.

I've read the way of the superior man and watched some video's from David Deida. John Wineland I hadn't heard about. Just watched the first video of him, like his energy. Thanks for sharing, will look at some more videos

Oh, great question. Funnily enough, that is something I haven't explored a lot of yet. Fears that I am definitely aware of are linked to my sexual performance and its consequences. It's kind of a web of beliefs and thoughts that, a perspective I took from pick-up, that is causing that. It goes something like: I need to be 'good' at sex and satisfy the girl --> If I don't, she will be unsatisfied --> She will look for it elsewhere and cheat. On top of that, there is also a fear about what that would say about me. That fear might actually be bigger, to become 'the guy who could not satisfy his girlfriend and therefore she cheated on him'. However, this fear is not at the core. This is something that is built on top I think, not the foundation. The foundation I would have to explore more.. a great question to journal about, thank you! It shows up for me as a disconnection. A feeling of the energy being blocked, not open. It also has to do with a feeling of not being good enough and a fear of how other people see me. More exploration of the fear, noted.

Things I have tried so far to heal: - A few psychedelic trips over the past years - Quitting porn, haven't watched close to a year - Conversations, trials and tribulations with my girlfriend - Mindfulness, awareness, meditation - Some theory, mostly through video's (not extensive) - Some journaling here and there - We just had our first therapy session on this topic last week Area's that seem interesting: - Deeper theory through books, teachers, retreats - Implementing structural practices (kegel exercises?) - More mindful masturbation - Healing the relationship with my mother (trauma at least partially came through my relationship with her, have not explored/healed deeply yet). - Continue therapy

I'm 50 trips deep hahaha. A few have been around this topic, but most haven't. Maybe more could help, but I am at a place now where I am not compelled to take them. Feel like I need more grounding and integration before coming back to them.

Hmm, I am in touch with it to some degree and it changes depending on my state. These states can vary a lot. There have been experiences where I felt confident, powerful, sexually alive. However, these states are quite rare. It is more common for me to have anxiety. Also, my connection to my sexuality is fragile. I could be in a good mood, feeling confident, feeling my turn-on. And just a subtle comment of denial from my girlfriend can cause this to block. In those moments I literally feel the blockage in my stomach area. There probably is some form of shame somewhere there, but honestly, I am mostly aware of fear.

The first idea was to write a long post about it but figured to not get lost in too much story. But yes, I have experience with sexuality. Five-ish years ago I got involved in pick-up, had a bunch of one-night stands and stuff. Now I've been in a relationship for the past two years. Even though there have been a bunch of experiences and some healing, I still just feel this disconnection from my sexuality. My assumption is that the fear stems from a denial/rejection of my sexuality during childhood (or maybe also past lives/family lineage). All the other stuff that happened were built on that rotten foundation. How can I go back to fix that foundation?