Identity

Oke, in a way this is very comforting. It's all in my own hands. My own sneaky hands.

I know this has been said many times in different ways, but I just grasped this at a much deeper level and felt like sharing it. the mind is secondary, it arises within consciousness. It makes no sense to explain your way into enlightenment, because all your explanations are part of it. Its like text on a screen, you can write a whole book if you want, but the text wil always be an appearance on the screen. its just that you are so focussed on the text that you cant see its appearing on a screen. better ask yourself; where are these thoughts happening? I know it goes deeper and this is all still dual and stuff, but yeah, maybe it helps someone to stop overthinking, including myself.

@Joseph ICU Thanks! Yeah, actually letting girls come close is suprisingly hard, I notice myself pushing them away quite often. May the growth be with us indeed ??

I am now at a point in my life where I am satisfied with my dating life. It has been quite the journey and I’m certain there are many steps ahead. I want to take the time to gather my thoughts here in this post, to look back at how far I have come and see the lessons I have learned. Hopefully, someone else gets something out of it as well ?. Stage orange limbo phase; being with girls whilst growing up Being with girls didn’t come easy for me. I remember some boys at school were just naturally flowing with girls. Accepting them into their life without any resistance. For me this wasn’t te case. I was stuck in my head way too much, unconsciously pushing them away. It wasn’t the case that I had no options at all or had struggles with being attractive. I was always one of the popular kids, getting along with everyone. All the way from lower school to high school there were actually quite a few girls that liked me and expressed that. However, those were not the girls that I liked. I remember always feeling a lot of pressure from people around me, always worrying about what they were thinking. How would this effect other people’s opinion of me? Will people still like me if I do this? I felt this pressure very strongly when it came to girls. Not only would I worry about the girl liking me, or whether she would reject me, but also would I worry about what it would do for me socially if I expressed my desires for a girl. I have liked a few different girls over those years, but had a hard time even admitting that to myself. I would rather suppress my feelings and go on with life without dealing with it. Due to this dynamic, I didn’t have any relationships during my middle- and high-school time. Neither did I have any experience getting physical with a girl. The first girl I kissed was at 17. At that point, I guess the pressure of not having kissed a girl started to outweigh the pressure of trying to kiss . Short after that, I had a one-night stand during a vacation with friends. The label of being a virgin disappeared. But that was it. Other than that, I was still in the same boat as I was before. Stage orange starting phase; time for change I think I was 19 when I realized I had to do something. At this point I was going to university, where I had surrounded myself with a large group of guy friends, no girls in sight. At this point being with a girl seemed so far out of my reality, it almost seemed like it wasn’t even a possibility for me. Together with a good friend of mine who was in a similar position, I decided to start taking action towards getting better with girls. I watched a bunch of pick-up videos, mostly from RSD. First it was a lot of theorization, but pretty soon I started to take action. I remember the first day we really made a serious effort, oh man. Me and two friends cleared our whole schedule for an afternoon to go hit on girls in the city. We started just giving girls a compliment, just to get used to approaching. The fucking anxiety attack that gave haha, it must have taken me 5 attempts just to gather the courage to do that. Anyways, what I mostly did during this phase is going out to bars with a few friends and just talk to as many girls as I could. We would go on this rampage of just approaching girl after girl. Before going out I would watch some video’s, and afterwards me and my friends would have these hours-long analysis sessions, talking about all the interactions we had, what went well and wrong, etc. A lot was learned here. It didn’t take long for me to see the first fruits of my efforts. I started to kiss some girls, and even had went home with a girl. A whole new world of possibilities opened up to me. Stage orange middle phase; ballin’ After maybe half a year to a year of starting phase, things started to flow easier and easier. It had become second nature to go up to girls and talk to them. Results were flying in left and right. Me and my friends felt like we were owning the bars we went into. Hyping each other up, wing-manning, scheming. The video’s and analysis had been replaced with dancing, kissing and one-night stands. I felt really confident at this point, I had quite some mastery in the field, or so I thought… Stage orange ending phase; darker times After maybe a year of this, the high came down. I started to see the darker side of what I was doing. First and foremost, the whole pick-up act I had learned started to feel increasingly inauthentic. I was constantly trying to appear “valuable”, consciously controlling everything, from the things I was saying to body language. I also could no longer deny the impact I was having on the girls I was with. Rationalizing manipulating girls into things they didn’t truly want. I definitely had sex with a few girls who didn’t feel good about it the next day. Even was with some girls who had boyfriends. I started to see more clearly how me and my friends were shoving all these things under the rug, and denying responsibility for it. Although I was getting results, they started to become less satisfying. The sex I had with one-night-stands wasn’t great first of all. I also wasn’t able to keep girls around. I was only comfortable in the night-club scene, barely had any normal dates or interactions with girls outside of that. I was getting sick of all this. Stage green limbo phase; turning inwards Because I didn’t like how things were going anymore, I started to go out less. I was looking for ways to change the dynamics that were going on. Maybe I should start getting into ‘day-game’? Maybe I just have to be more authentic? Maybe I should go out with other people? I was in a phase of confusion and uncertainty. At this point I also started to get in touch with my feelings more. Seeing how I was suppressing feelings of fear and insecurity, especially about sexuality. I was starting to see how I was lying with all my extravagant behavior to both myself and the people around me. How I needed alcohol as well to make all my shenanigans work. My results radically declined. This period took around half a year. In that half a year I literally only kissed a girl once, that’s it. I went out a few times on my own as well. I felt like I needed to face this issue alone, head on. One night in particular I remember. I had been talking to this girl I thought was very cute for maybe an hour or so. She was into me, but I was just so scared to escalate with her physically. I was no longer suppressing my fears, but neither could I push through them. After a while she simply lost interest. I went home feeling so sad, laid in bed crying, feeling like I would never get out of this rut. I was in this transition period, I let go of a lot of the inauthenticity and manipulation, more in touch with my feelings and desires, but lacking the self-esteem, self-love, self-acceptance and all this to be naturally more attractive. Also, my feelings often paralyzed me, making even interactions that were going well with girls end up nowhere. During this period, I worked a lot on myself. Besides personal development stuff like meditation, reading, fitness, and those types of things, I did a lot of shrooms. The shrooms helped me to introspect so well. They helped me to see all the things that were going on, all the things that I was suppressing. Also, they helped me to build my self-esteem and self-love. Some trips I would be hugging myself for long times, or look into the mirror, acknowledging my own beauty. Stage green starting phase; getting comfortable around girls The turning point for me happened at a yoga retreat. My yoga instructrice invited me to go with her to a yoga retreat in Ukraine (I’m from the Netherlands). I went there with little expectation of getting girls, mostly to work on myself. I went out to dinner with her a few times that week and started to open up about my dating situation. When I told her I hadn’t had sex for over half a year she was shocked. All this time I didn’t even cross my mind that it would be possible to sleep with her. Not only is she a lot older than me, she is also in a relationship. Little did I know she was in an open relationship. She went with me to my hotel room to “talk about my situation more”. I knew damn well where this was headed. When we came back to my room, I was very nervous and scared. I told her I had to go to the bathroom and was so shaky that I peed half in my pants, literally. It was the first time I was being myself authentically and vulnerable when having sex. I was scared to escalate and shaky and all this, but she was very cool about it and made me feel comfortable. This experience was worth more to me than all those one-night stands I had had before. This happened around 4 months ago. Since then I have been meeting up with her every few weeks. This had made me so much more comfortable with myself and my sexuality. At this moment I am seeing three other girls as well, meeting up casually. The whole way I interact with girls has changed. There is no need to play valuable or to manipulate. I am very honest and open about my intentions and desires. I meet girls at all kinds of places now, through university, on the street, in the train, whatever. I go on dates, just hang out with girls, and although I still get nervous at times, its very different. Way more under the motto of Zan Perrion; “A man that adores women is adored by women”. (Highly recommend his book The alabaster girl). So that is where I am at now. Here are some things I see for myself in the near future: - Becoming more and more comfortable being around girls and with my sexuality. - Having more female energy in my life in general, not only sexual relationships but also friends etc. I have been around guys to long, time to restore the balance. - Getting into more committed relationship(s). Although all of this is very nice, I still haven’t had a relationship with a girl for a longer period of time. This is something I do desire and will grow me a lot, when the time is right. Main lessons: - First of all, it is possible to radically change your relationship with women if you put in the effort. It is definitely a journey, but don’t hold yourself back with limiting beliefs. Even though it might seem impossible from where you are standing now, start chipping away at it and your reality will slowly start to transform. - Mastery in dating goes very much like George Lennard describes in his book mastery. Even though you are putting in effort consistently, you have long plateaus where it seems like there is little growth. Then, out of nowhere, you make a spurt upwards, sometimes preceded with a decline. Acknowledge this dynamic, keep it in mind, especially during the hard times. - Progressing in dating is all about inner growth. Don’t fool yourself and others with all kinds of tricks and gimmicks. Face the real reasons why you are not successful with girls. Face your fears. - Being truly comfortable with your sexuality is a massive component of successful dating. If you are not comfortable with your sexuality it is something that will keep you from attracting women all the time. It might not be obvious, but under the surface it will always be there. How can you expect a girl to be receptive of you when you hit on her, when really, deep down, you don’t want what you are asking for? It’s like going to a car dealership to buy a car, asking about all the features and negotiating and all this, whilst in the back of your mind you know you don’t have the money. It’s ridiculous really. - Girls are awesome

@SFRL Thank you ?

What a mindfuck Yeah, I was wondering, for me this whole journey is very bittersweet. Is that the way it stays, or does the bitterness disappear? Or do both the bitterness and sweetness disappear?

In the latest video (min16-18) Leo says reality is an infinite field of consiousness. You create your self by carving out a part of this consciousness and calling it yourself. At least, thats how I understood it. This confuses me. It feels like “my perceptual field” is limited not only in a conceptual way, but also in a fysical way. I can only look from my eyes right? There is a limit to how far I can look, feel, think, etc. I understand that the fact that I call this “my” field of perception is ego. But, if I stop believing its “mine” it doesn’t mean I can now somehow see things that I couldnt before, right? Wouldnt these limitations still be in place? the mindfuck probably goes a lot deeper, eh?

@Leo Gura Thank you. I really appreciate the time you take to answer questions. Thanking you is really crucial to my survival. Just like pointing this out is needed to preserve my self-image. Just as pointing this out. I will stop now.

@Leo Gura But if you are enlightened, totally seen through the illusion of self, enlightened gurus such as Sadguru, Peter Ralston, Eckard Tole, etc. You still aren’t aware of everything in the universe right? Like you dont know stuff like symply the order of a deck of cards laying on the table. Isnt it more like you realize that you are part of the whole, but still remain the part? Like a page within the book is part of the book, yet doesnt hold all the information of the book? Im still assuming there is a you to begin with, right? im confused lol.

The impact weed has on me has radically changed. A few years ago I would smoke a bunch with friends and it would be just chill, fun and games. Now, after doing spiritual practices for a while, a few hits of a joint can send me on a crazy trip. Last week I literally took 3 puffs by myself, had me laying on the floor for 4 hours lol.

@Flatworld Crusades Thank you! @Good-boy Ive already got the life purpose course sir. I will stop being a pussy though and start taking radical action. I will post progression here soon.

I'm watching the latest video now. Imagine Actualized.org becomes a religion and people literally believe we are god giving itself a colonoscopy. A physical man looking into his own anus. That shit would be hilarious hahaha The eyeball on the colonoscopy machine, hahaha, Leo man, you're killing me.

Plenty of orange, blue and even red to go around in Amsterdam. Not to say there isn't green and yellow.

@Wyatt Thanks for your reply, those are some valuable tips! I've found some people who run their own massage business and am meeting up with them to ask how they did it. Also, I've got some friends who can help me with making a website, get more views, etc. Definitely going to give more people massages and ask for their feedback, that's for sure the next step indeed. The youtube videos is a good tip as well, don't know why I didn't think about that, but that's an easy free way to learn! Luckily I don't need it to support myself financially with this for some time, and even then it will only be a partial income stream I think.

I think Leo is very much aware of this dynamic. He even talks about this danger in some video’s. His whole stick is direct experience and combatting ideology. Not to say it won’t happen that it becomes one, but there is only so much one can do.

Thats what I was thinking

@Leo Gura In some video's, including the last, you mention that it is possible that once you start to deeply realize God, that you can start to align yourself with "Its" will. This to me seems contradictory to "everything being perfect". Seems to me that there is a difference between what God wants, and what the ego or devil, or whatever, wants. Is that not falling into the trap of chasing goodness instead of realizing Goodness? Also, I'm confused about this whole free will thing. This question has been on my mind for quite a while now. I concluded for myself that there is no free will. There is no self, therefore there is no free will, it's just a movie being played on a screen. However, you say that "you are a splinter of God's will". This really confuses the fuck out of me.. So there is a self that is separate or something? This statement really throws a hole in the whole mental model I've been constructing here lol. Could you explain your views on this please?

Oh, Btw, the woman from the massage course today gave me my score of a maya calender test, or something like that. This was the result: "YELLOW SEED" Yellow seed is the energy that brings out your potential. It is the sexual energy, the driving force behind all creation. By building lasting structures you can materialize your dreams. This starts with doing. Often you will have to leave your safe heaven behind. Build a safe fundament for your own creations. Can fear making steps and not come into movement by itself. Strength: Growth Looks pretty fucking relevant at this point lol.

@Leo Gura Ahh, that makes sense, thank you! Looking forward to the videos. If I got a euro for every time you said "I'll shoot a video on that soon" I'd be rich by now! haha just playing

I am now in a phase of creating a vision and laying a foundation. This could on the one hand be seen as one of the first two stages, but it feels more like a chapter for me. Around 2 years ago I moved to a different place and started to create a vision for my life and to build up good habits, whilst also in the process of completing my studies. Im now really hitting this chapter full force and its coming together beautifully. I have a good year left for this. Next chapter will be financial independence, for which I really have already started now, but this will become the main focus a year from now.

For a while now I've been feeling an increasing desire to be understood. As I grow, I can share less and less of my experiences and insights with the people around me. I especially feel the urge to find a girl who understands me and with whom I can share stuff. I wonder whether this urge is something healthy which I should pursue, or if it is just a baby blanket I am reaching for. I remember having similar urges a year ago. Then, when I faced my loneliness these urges subsided. Then again, I'm 23 and have never been in a committed relationship, maybe it's a healthy step. But is being driven by this need to be understood a healthy place to come from, or is it a crutch to fulfill my loneliness?

@zeroISinfinity Thank you, I am going to do a trip tomorrow. Facing my loneliness will be my main purpose @ivory Yeah, exactly. That's the thing I'm not really sure about. But my life is going really well and it just seems to go better at an increasing rate. . I cry on a regular basis about just how beautiful my life is. That being said its also quite though at the same time. I've worked a lot on self-acceptance. Now I feel like I just want to hug someone and never let go. @Nahm Pfff, man, that's so ridiculously wise once again. I'm working on that and going deeper and deeper... but it's just so fucking much. It's so fucking total. It's so much so fast it got me squirming on the floor saying ffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccckkkkkkk. I know in theory "I" am all alone, and at moments I can grasp that... But in my daily stuff I don't. I don't think I can let the light in any faster then I am doing now

@DrewNows Awesome video, very relevant. Thank you. ?

There is a girl that I have liked for a very long time. I fell for her when I was 14 years old. At that time there were definitely some vibes between us, but for some reason, I never dared to tell her I liked her. So, life went on. We went to the same high school, where she had a long term relationship with someone else. Although I was quite popular, I never had a girlfriend or did much at all with girls. It didn't come naturally to me, I wasn't comfortable with being with girls, probably because I wasn't comfortable with myself. During the whole of highschool, I remained to like her, but never dared to tell her or do anything about it. So, from age 18 to 20 we saw each other a lot less. We went to universities in different cities. When I was around 19 I also started my pick-up journey. I watched a lot of RSD material and went out to bars with some good friends trying to get girls. This progressed me a lot with attracting girls. I had a bunch of one night stands, which gave me some confidence, but it didn't help me to address the deeper issues preventing me from being comfortable with having a girl in my life for a longer time period. When I was 20 I moved to the same city the girl I like lives, to do my masters. I went out with her and some friends regularly. There were definitely some vibes between us ones again. We made out a few times whilst going out as she was single at the time. My feelings for her started to rekindle. However, I was in this pick-up journey, which was at that time just starting to become fruitful. I had this idea in my mind that I shouldn't get in a relationship right now, rather I should master attraction for now (probably just denying my fears of facing my feelings and telling her). What I did was suppress my feelings for her and stayed on my pick-up journey. Around a year ago (I'm 23 now) this pick-up journey started to feel really inauthentic to me. It also became clear to me that I was not addressing some deeper issues, as I still didn't manage to keep any girls around me for a longer time period. It also just felt wrong and I was sick of manipulating girls all the time, playing mind games all the time trying to appear "valuable". So I dropped a lot of the game mimics. Instead, I went inside, also did a bunch of psychedelics. For a good half a year, although I didn't stop trying completely, I did not even kiss a girl. I realized a big part of it also had to do with me not being comfortable with my sexuality. Now that I was no longer suppressing my feelings and fears, I didn't even dare to try to kiss a girl. A bunch of other stuff happened as well, but pretty much I transitioned from stage orange to stage green in the dating domain. Around 5 months ago I had a breakthrough. I told a woman that was attracted to me, my former yoga instructor, my whole story. It was the first time that I became intimate with someone whilst feeling really fully authentically myself. Since then we have been meeting every few weeks to hook up. It helped me so much to become more comfortable with myself and my sexuality. Now I am in a really good situation when it comes to dating. I feel like I can be vulnerable and be authentic. Also, I have a few different girls in my life as well, with whom I can be honest and are cool with casually hooking up. I also met this amazing girl just 2 weeks ago. She is probably also the reason why I feel like I need to resolve the issue with the girl I have had a crush on all this time, as I can see myself being with this new girl. Anyways, let's get back to the main issue. Tomorrow I am going to get a drink with the girl in question. I am convinced I want to tell her that I have liked her for all this time (which, to be honest, can't be THAT massive of a surprise to her). It will be really scary to do, but I think I can do it. Telling her that I liked her in the past will be challenging, but not the problem. I don’t know what I want to tell her about how I feel now. Partly, because I don’t know how I feel right now. Also like I mentioned; she is in a relationship now. I think I should have some kind of a plan in mind though. Telling her I liked her in the past, but not anymore, would be a lie. She definitely still moves me. However, I am also not sure how much. We have seen each other every now and again, but mostly in group settings. I don’t know what it would be like to really be with her 1 on 1 for longer time periods. So what do I tell her. Yup I liked you a lot in the past, still have some feelings for you, oh btw how is your boyfriend doing? I think it will be an awkward situation if I don’t know what I want. But then again, I don’t know what I want. All advice is welcome

It went really well. We had a good time talking, and I still felt a fysical attraction to her, but it became clear to me that I did not have a desire to be in a relationship with her. I told her that I had liked her for a long time, and we discussed that. After that we talked some more, and left as friends. ?