Black Flag

Hello all. I'm writing in the T+11hr come down of an intense LSD trip and I'm feeling quite raw. Background UK. 20yo male. 75kg. Solo trip. Year and a half daily meditation practice. 200 micrograms of 1-p-LSD blotter taken. One previous trip at 100 micrograms of the same batch. The aim of this writing is to inform people in a similar situation. Setting On the come up, I had this Alan Watts audio... To The Gallery of Absolute Infinity visuals on loop, full screen on my laptop. The still at 2:02 in the gallery...I melted... Breathe. Just keep breathing. I was QUITE LITERALLY raining. I was QUITE LITERALLY melting. I saw the battle rage between me. It was in full on rage. I watched it. Lucky him. Me was having an incredibly tough time. Me "won". My ego went in search for all the things that made him it. First it so desperately clung onto the music I was listening to. It couldn't. It was my two hands fighting at the computer to type. There was much suffering. I had to run. There was no-where to run. There was quite literally no way to escape. I would never normally use the word terror but my fuck I was scared. The body closed its eyes. Fuck me so intense. Did i just pass out? Where ever "I" went I have no clue. I melted. HERE. There was a choice. There was a choice to let go. I held on. And yep. I suffered. I have never felt terror like that. I have never felt so scared in my life. I was all alone as well and it was quite tough. I saw the edge. Fuck me. It was huge. Should I have let go? I though I was ACTUALLY dying.. and I fought and fought and fought so much to stay. The Eye of Absolute Infinity. Fuck me. In the feedback I'd appreciate some guidance. I have been completely emotionally drained. Discussion I think i made a mistake in my choice of music. I can identify a time when a line of a depressive song was said and that sent me down a path... The ego didn't enjoy this path. "I" didn't care. lol. What do I even make of that. *Why this song was on my playlist. How stupid. Oh well.* Has any of this trip been enjoyable? Yes. The T+8hrs have been mellow. I feel incredibly creative right now and have an incredible capacity to follow thought trains to interesting ends (i.e. to a word document ). This is nice. It feels like hyper-aware mindfulness. The preceding week to your trip should be overall positive. Do not underestimate this. Events in the week before WILL impact your trip. I personally have had a negative week and have only just realized this in hindsight. Well fuck. I was well and truly put in my place. I set an intention of understanding what a thought is. Well.. here it is lol: Reality is what it is. Language cuts up reality. Language packages Reality away in little boxes. "Your" (lol everytime this is mentioned it makes "me" laugh in a slightly oh-my-fuck-what-have-I-just-done-today kinda way). But anyway. "Your" mouth sends these boxes away to some"one" else's ears. The packages are then opened by "who?". These opened packages are then free for misinterpretation and are NOT reality. Where are the errors? In the "Quote Marks". There is so much nuance. There is so much nuance everywhere. It is ever so subtle. It is so easy to miss. It makes things not quite add up. A note from my notes when I was raining. I quite like it. "So Much Was said Unsaid." The words of T.S. Elliot were fueled me today: "Only those who will risk going to far can possibly know how far one can go." I wonder what he was referring to. If it was Lucy then what a man he must've been. To any man who truly understands this. What a man they must be. I have met not one. This has not put me off. One day I will re-enter the ring to do battle. That day will be a far way into the future... I think I might spend more time on my career/life purpose than Enlightenment in the next coming months I do have to say... There are so many laughs in hindsight. It really is funny. My bruised and battered whatever I am is back together loosely but it still remembers the emotion.... geeezzzzzz. I might edit this post in the morning I think, I might not. I am tired. Yet it is unfinished. Dear Reader. I went to the edge today and I ran away. I have no idea or way of knowing how you have interpreted/misinterpreted this; All I can say is that, I for one, do not know. Metta. Ollie.

Hello all, Is anyone here actually a strategic motherfucker? If so, why? What are you actively doing in your life right now that qualifies you as one of these motherfuckers. Personally I am having troubles with becoming such a motherfucker. In my attempts, I have two journals - one is a book with goals that I want to achieve. These are short (for example running a faster 5km time) and long term goals (such as owning my own place in 5 years) although I'm finding it difficult to write specific 5 and 10 year goals. I'm currently on summer break from uni and I am feeling quite purpose-less. I don't feel that I have a purpose although I'm trying with Leos Life Purpose Course. I also recently set up a whiteboard in my room to handle short term lists that I also write in an attempt to add organisation to my life. So what makes you a strategic motherfucker? How do you plan your life?

You have just opened my eyes to The Great Courses website (http://www.thegreatcourses.co.uk/) . Thanks for mentioning that! I never knew this existed and there are so many courses on offer! I think I might go for that Strategic Thinking course too, I can listen to it in the car on the way to work This has made me quite excited... Okay, so if my goal is to buy a house with x and y rooms, floors etc. How do I get there? I'm finding it hard to plan the strategy needed to get to that place. Any ideas on how I'd do that? Thanks for the tips That's a good idea with the excel spreadsheet. Are you making progress with it?

Did you take this course?

I'd like this too.

I usually just go through with a pencil and/or highlighters and highlight or make notes in the margins when I come across something I like. I do find it quite satisfying when I flick through when I've finished and there are just golden nuggets jumping out at me left right and centre. Although with Meditations I did seem to be highlighting the majority of the book!

I think you mentioned this in your "How to be a leader" video. I hope how to change a system comes up soon! Thanks

I am very much looking forward to this too.

physically 19 years young

@DreamSpirit Couch surfing is a great shout! I think we might be using that and Nomadic Matt's blog is an incredible source of knowledge and inspiration! Thanks for sharing! Another option we're thinking about is going inter-railing. Anyone had any experience of that?

I haven't had much experience of this. My attempts of getting my friends to start meditating haven't worked very well... yet. I think leading by example would be a good way to influence your daughter. I wouldn't know how to go about this though.

@DreamSpirit Hi I really want to go travelling this summer. Thanks to some failed internship interviews at uni I now only have two options for this summer which are to get a job at home or go travelling. Easy choice, I think I'm going to choose travelling I have no idea how to go about it though. Me and a friend were talking about it, we were thinking about inter-railing round Europe. What do you think about that? We're open to ideas atm too, where have you been and how did you organise the trip? where did type of place did you stay in and where did you get food etc? My friend isn't completely committed yet so I might be going solo... I'll cross that bridge when I get there haha Any advice would be a great help!

I usually spend around £30 although it varies depending on I need. When it comes to food I feel I shouldn't skimp, the food is turning into my body after all. I am British and I usually shop at Sainsburys too! What a coincidence.

I have a university professor who is shredded as fuck - its definitely possible.

Try changing the word motivation to inspiration. When I go to work or revise my lectures I'm inspired. This is because I know what I want to do and I know that by studying and learning I can give back to the rest of the human community. So find something that inspires you, and do it for someone else. That is my advice.

I usually do mine just before I go to bed. I'm not sure this is the best time as sometimes I'm quite tired and that makes it quite difficult. I guess the best time would be when you're most awake, alert and aware of things going on - whatever time that is.

Hey I'm glad you had a good day I think I know the feeling - like an intense feeling of presence? I come into uni in the morning and people ask things like: "How much coffee did you drink this morning?" with a shocked look on their face and think I'm weird but I don't mind. They're missing out! I'm not sure how often this happens although I do get it fairly frequently.. as to what triggers it I'm not sure either. A good sleep or just hearing the birds sing in the morning. I'm not sure though, it usually just happens by itself I think

Where is this cake, key, prison puzzle from? Is it from a video of Leo's?

Hello Actualized community So I've been telling myself I've been meditating for almost a whole year now daily. However, I'm not sure I'm doing it right - "There's no way of doing meditation wrong, as long as you are present with what is rising in you in the Now, you are meditating" - Yes I think I realize, its just that I feel that I'm not getting anything out of my meditations anymore. What I've been doing is sitting for 20 minutes each day. Things I attempt are counting breaths, strong sitting, mindfulness, do nothing and inquiry meditations. However, I don't feel that I've had any major insights or revelations in understanding myself... I just sort of sit there. Some little things I've noticed however is that when I'm doing do nothing for example, sometimes when I notice a thought, I cut it dead. Other times I realize moments later that I've been lost in thought for a few minutes. I never feel that I'm watching the thought moment by moment. Any advice on this? Another thing is that I feel I am becoming identified this "philosophy" (even though I know it shouldn't be) of "trying to become enlightened". I took some questions like: 'Where do thoughts come from?' 'Who is the perceiver of thoughts?' 'Who am I?' to the Buddhist teacher that comes in to take meditation classes at uni. His advice was to ask those questions of myself when I'm "meta". I don't really understand this either - I felt something once you could describe potentially as meta although I can't get back there. I feel I intellectually ask these questions because I want to make myself look further along this journey than I actually am. So my question on this is how do I truly understand these questions? I don't feel my meditations are helping me to understand. I just don't know and its starting to frustrate me that after all this time I don't feel that I'm improving. Any advice? Thanks for reading

What time do you wake up/go to bed generally?

@A way to Actualize Thanks for sharing!

@David Miller Do you find ADD affects meditation? e.g. sitting still for periods of time?

You must master the art of the staring contest. Even when the stare becomes awkward and creepy, DO NOT look away. Only the weak fall first. @Dombey Thanks for mentioning the StayFocused app, I'll be using that from now on! @AHappyTeddyBear At 18 I was in a similar situation to you. What I did was go into "Monk Mode" - look up a guide on reddit, I found it quite useful.

Yin and Yang are harmonious. One can not exist without the other. They are in a dynamic balance so if you want more Yang (masculine) energy, it is just as important to focus on the Yin (feminine) energy. The relative levels of Yin and Yang are constantly changing but if you focus too much on Yang you can become out of balance and eventually one will consume the other. That being said, JSeuss is right with deep breathing; Elliot Hulse would term this "Breathe into your balls". Check out his Youtube channel, hes all about masculine and feminine energy when it comes to fitness and physical prowess - he helped me a lot. I'd also recommend stop masturbating if you do already. Its such a waste of energy! Heavy compound lifts in the gym, having a good diet especially is important. Smoked fish, egg yolks and red meats are yang iirc. Remember not to neglect Yin though - Life is a balance. Hope that helped, correct me if I'm wrong anywhere.

A couple of days before the forum started actually I also began to get into Lucid dreaming. I've been doing the affirmation "I want to Lucid dream tonight" before I go to sleep. Haven't noticed anything much yet although dreams have been easier to recall in the morning in this past week or so. I'm going to get a little notebook tomorrow so that I can start a dream journal. It would be cool if there was a thread dedicated to journal-ing peoples dreams. Like the self-actualization journals people have on the forum but for Lucid Dreaming. It would make for interesting reading I think!