seeking_brilliance

@Alex bliss hello how are you? Who are you?

@Bill W it's all good. Never be afraid to ask questions. What I think the post means is that if you look at yourself....really look... You can see that everthing that you think defines you, even down to your very name, is nothing but a label and expectation superimposed over that which you really are. And what you really are transcends and encompasses all of those things. Who were you before you were named Bill? There was a least a few seconds of freedom before the name Bill and all the expectations that come along with that were imposed upon you. So who was that?

Lol are you asking me what I mean by this?

@DrewNows I still have very low expectations and am just happy about being able to sit still and not have timer anxiety. Thanks for the video I will watch it when I get a chance

Day one, August 14, 2019 Time : 15 minutes Sat quietly for fifteen minutes and tried to focus on the sound of the fan. Thoughts were racing, and it didn't help that my husband woke me up with a cup of coffee... I love when he does that so all is forgiven ?.... Thought trains raced about the upcoming trip, and about work. They were mostly trying to be cathartic though, and trying to help me be ok with certain things going on. Every time I caught myself on a train, I redirected attention back to the fan and to connecting with myself. I don't 100% understand connecting with myself, which is why self inquiry has been hard for me. But I figured I'll relate it to feeling the body and the emotional sensations in my chest. At one point I began wondering how long it has been, and when will the bell sound. But mostly I was patient and completed the 15 minutes without getting restless.

Chapter 5: body image. The story of my sexuality is long, and confusing. Many twists and turns and areas which make no sense at all. Imagine living through it... I retained having crushes on cute girls all the way up until moving to Disney World. There was Samantha in sixth grade. In high school I had a girlfriend. Later on I had another girlfriend. In college another one. And then a crush on a cute spunky girl after that quickly failed. Then... Disney. Meanwhile throughout all of that, something deeper, and truer, was bubbling up. To start, let's go back to The Turn. As I became more self-conscious while puberty began, my body began to change. Before, I was a string bean. Slim and cute with wild hair. I actually never had a second thought to how my body looks. But one summer it began to change. I was getting fatter on the abdomen. Suddenly before I knew it, there was a big spare tire of fat surrounding my lower abdomen. My chest grew fatter too, and began to look like small boobs. I spent the entire rest of my life trying to fix this (sans surgery). I mean, it wouldn't be so bad, I could accept being a chubby... There's even a niche for that in the gay world, so I'd be fine. But the 'problem' is, as my midsection grew fatty, my legs, arms and face are still lean like a string bean. I have a handsome face to boot. I am grateful for that, because it gets you places (sorry, it's true). I can hide this with clothing, but I have to be real careful which clothes I wear. I would love to just be able to wear anything! (Yes, ego holds me back.) In school I preferred wearing a jacket to hide it. I pined for the cooler months so that I wouldn't look like a weirdo wearing a jacket all the time. Yet I still became the weirdo because I was one who didn't hang their jacket up for class. I spent years and tons of money trying to exercise this away. (although if you can tell by my meditation struggles, I probably wasnt doing the most effective exercising). In late middle school I asked for dumbbells and eventually an abs exerciser, because all the men in the infomercials were able to go from flab to fab with this simple machine. In my twenties I got real into walking and lost so much weight I was underweight. Sadly nothing I have done gives me a flat tummy and chest. It shrinks, yes, but maintains the curvy shape of an androgynous body. This obsession with my body turned into an obsession with good looking male bodies. At first starting with the good looking and popular males at school, until I discovered the glory of the internet. Now of course at that young age and being the good faithful Christian that I was, I only looked at pictures of shirtless men. But I pined over the bodies and imagined if I had one. All the while I still never considered that I was gay. And then... Disney... ... But that's another story for another day.

September 3rd 2019 Time : 15 minutes Object of attention : sounds of rain on youtube Near bedtime again. Even though I was dozing of towards the end (that can be unlearned..) I do feel like I had not focus to listen to the sounds.

October 2, 2019 Time :15 minutes Object of attention : box fan Did my meditation before bed this time, as I will probably do for now on. It's just too hard for me to wake up early enough and not be so groggy that I fall into dreams. (Although that's actually pretty fun and will probably continue as an unofficial meditation or whatever) Focus was stronger but was also tired due to the fact that it was after midnight... My usual bedtime is around 10 so obviously I won't meditate this late every time.

Chapter 4: Wilder Oats. I had been to Disney World twice as a kid. Once when I was pretty young my parents took me and my brother. I don't remember much about it at all, except for the campsite where we stayed and a particular Mickey Mouse doll with a tuxedo. I loved that doll. The second time was with my grandparents and cousins, and this I remember dearly. Well, I guess the memories are slim but the impression of it is still strong. I was a Disney lover for my entire childhood, and Disney World to me was next to heaven. In college I was presented with the opportunity to move to Florida and work in the land of dreams. I couldn't sign up fast enough. I had even a best friend, Christina (go me!) do the college program with me, and we flew in together. Immediately, we were placed into different housing complexes and given jobs at separate parks. We remained close friends but she found an entire group of friends in her new workplace, and began to spend more and more time with them. She included me in much of their outings, and I grew close with one of the girls of the group. However I never felt like a true member of the group but more of an afterthought. (our group called ourselves 'The Dingers'. Yes we were that dorky. Apparently one of the members would yell 'ding!' every time someone said a sexual innuendo, accidentally or not. Everyone in the group began doing the same and so it was named 'the dingers'. Although this all happened outside of my presence but..... Water under the bridge ??) I really was included in alot though.... and having joined another great, fun loving group of friends since escaping public school, I was really blessed to get that kind of experience. Now outside of my family's shadow, I was free to fly. I began to cuss (?gasp!). (I think some people call it swearing? ?‍♂️) I found out I was a good cusser. Before long you couldn't tell me from a sailor. It became a new language for me. A new way of expression. I don't remember feeling bad for it either. By this time I had already begun to question what I was brainwashed to believe my entire life. Silly things like that cussing is a sin. It's like... What's it hurting unless I'm using those words to hurt someone? ?‍♂️ I would never do that! (hehe... Never say never ?). Or how could such wonderful, fun loving non-Christians be thrown into the fiery pits of hell, worms crawling through their skulls and shit, just because they have never heard about Jesus correctly? I mean.... Baptists are so adamant about it that they even wrote a book about how they can trace their particular denomination back to the original church of Jesus christ. The one spoken of throughout the latter part of the New testiment. The book is called the Trail of Blood and I literally can't make this shit up. (? lol) Also out of my family's watchful eye, I discovered something a bit more impactful than my new colorful language... I discovered my sexuality. ... But of course, that's another story for another day.

@Nahm perhaps nobody will get it ? ?????....... ?

haha I just had to call a restaurant for a reservation tomorrow night. They answered with just a "hello", and I go, "Hi is this Synchronicity? " and he responds "well, this is Serendipity, how can I help you?".

Chapter 3: New Territory After living in Venezuela for a year and a half, my mom decided to leave my dad and we both moved back to Arkansas. We settled in a small town (Russellville, which ironically my dad's name is Russell...), and a year or so later she sent the divorce papers. I never blamed my mom for leaving my dad. He was a dogmatic, overbearing, somewhat unconsciously hypocritical man of God. With a short fuse. Once we got to Venezuela, it got worse, and towards the end before we decided to leave, I didn't even like him anymore. And to this day I bet you he feels to be the victim... (I digress...?) So in Russellville, I began a new life in new territory. I began college at one that is known for their graphic art programs in Arkansas. Being the good faithful Christian that I am, I immediately found a church to attend and looked for a preacher who used a comfortable preaching style. The church I found was called Calvary Missionary Baptist church, and the preacher was Danny Fudge. His style of preaching was similar to my father's : but not as much fire and brimstone and more soft, caring, and gentle. Ok, so maybe not as similar perhaps, ha. In my first attendance I was approached by a girl my age (19ish?), and she invited me to this place called MBSF. Missionary Baptist Student Fellowship. Wow, what an awesome place. Several guys and girls from all levels in college populated the lively halls and rooms of the MBSF. The building was nothing special really... a small, rectangular building with a tiny parking lot in the back. It bordered the college campus, right across from the football field. Inside was sectioned off into a few rooms : a hangout room, a kitchen, and a large fellowship hall in the back. For you non-churchy folks, that's a large open space with many tables where Baptists get to practice one of their favorite traditions : eating. ( Well, eating together, which is really quite nice...) And everyone gathered together under the same idea: how much we love Jesus! And it was our mission to spread his word to the campus of Arkansas Tech University. Here I was accepted. No one turned me away, or ridiculed me. I began to make friends and navigated that with ease. I was very lucky for that opportunity. My life was so different now. The colors just a bit richer. The pain of having no one my age to socialize with, was lifted. It was honestly one of the main highlights of my entire life. Two years of sowing some oats, away from the zealous eyes of my father. Although at that time I was still very repentant so I didn't actually sow like very sinful seeds ?? Then came an opportunity of a lifetime, which literally set the course of the rest of my life. Recruiters came to the school looking for applicants to work an internship at Disney World. There, I truly began this journey of self discovery.... .... but that's another story for another day.

Wanted to share this from 'I Am That' by nisargadatta Maharaj. Spoke to me as I read through it. It's a question and answer style book so M is when Maharaj is speaking, and Q for the questioner. --------—--------—--------—-------—------- M: Detach yourself from all that makes your mind restless. Renounce all that disturbs its peace. If you want peace, deserve it. Q: Surely everybody deserves peace. M: Those only deserve it, who don't disturb it. Q: In what way do I disturb peace? M: By being a slave to your desires and fears. Q: Even when they are justified? M: Emotional reactions, born of ignorance or inadvertence, are never justified. Seek a clear mind and a clean heart. All you need is to keep quietly alert, enquiring into the real nature of yourself. This is the only way to peace.

yes! just search for "I Am That nisargadatta Maharaj PDF" for a free version.

@DrewNows wow never heard his version you and your music shares...

bump

@arlin I feel left out....?.... Kinda.... ? Oh i see, i guess I didn't actually answer any of your questions

@Truth Addict its all good

Hello there, perhaps you misunderstood what I was saying... Of course happiness does not bring suffering. It is the chasing happiness that perpetuates suffering, especially at those times when happiness is not there. Let happiness come and go naturally, and be at peace when its not present.

nah.... happiness is great but its not sustainable and only leads to more suffering if that is what you are chasing. Instead, chase the peace that transcends happiness and sadness. Then it won't matter which emotional state you find yourself in. But yes, I am generally happier, and no longer want to commit suicide

Chapter 2: The escape In 10th grade, my dad decided that God was calling him to be a missionary to Venezuela. He quit his church that he had been pastoring for 3-4 years, and we sold our house. My brother had recently turned 18 and moved away, so I went to live with my grandma while my mom and dad toured the country, raising money from churches to sponsor this mission in a foreign country. I was ecstatic. Finally, I could leave the pits of hell called High school, early no less, and go on an adventure to South America. Of course I also felt strongly that the people in South America needed to hear about Jesus so they wouldn't die and go to hell, and it was exciting to be a part of that as well. In 11th grade, we finally made the move. I finished high school with homeschooling. I skipped both my proms (which I probably wouldn't have gone to anyway) and skipped my graduation (which I dreaded attending). Venezuela was definitely an adventure. There's a bit of culture shock, yes, but I do think it had a huge impact on the rest of my life. I came out of my shell a little, finally being away from a peer group that ridiculed me. In fact everyone in Venezuela loved me, and that was a little hard to process. I was still shy, and unfortunately did not learn enough Spanish because I was shy to speak it with people. We lived there for a year and a half and finally I moved back to Arkansas to go to college. .... but that's another story for another day. (might embellish on this later when I'm not working )

@Zigzag Idiot no I love it, it's a bit thick so I'll have to read over it again later... Yes... so not only do christians pull away from truth because of the literal translations of the bible, but there are so many mistranslations of words which drastically change the meaning, especially if taking literally! Wow they really never stood a chance huh?

Chapter 1.5: The Turn, Revisited. It's hard to believe that something as simple as singing soprano in choir was enough to 'ruin' my life, but as with anything, there's more to the story. Backing up a year, in fifth grade was the last time I remember feeling free. It is my defining year against the rest of my life. I remember pulling an innocent prank on my homeroom teacher and it didn't turn out well, because it scared her. That embarrassed me badly, because she went to the church that my dad just began preaching at, and I really felt like I let her down. Around this time, I had learned what being self conscious was, and that many times it happens around puberty which was beginning for me. This embarrassment with my teacher was one of my first plunges into being self-conscious which fueled my shyness and anxiety. Also this year, something very traumatizing happened at school. I had a best friend, Scott, since kindergarten. We did everything together at school and often slept over outside of school as well. There were others in our group of friends but I always considered Scott to be my best. A new kid moved to town.... I can't remember if this kid hung out in our group for a bit of time, or if he just showed up one day. What I remember is showing up for school one morning, walking to the end of the building which was our group's newish meeting spot, and being stopped by the new kid. Matthew. Tall, thin, and cute. But also an asshole as he begins to tell me that I'm no longer allowed this way anymore and to stay away from the group and from Scott. He and Scott became new best friends until graduation and I was left abandoned. The pain was horrible. And I had no efficient coping skills. I found another friend fast but a couple years later he too abandoned me and found himself another best friend. The only thing that saved me in this moment was my faith in God. That there's a better life waiting outside of high school, especially for a faithful man of God, and that an eternal home in heaven by his side was waiting for me one day, since I was lucky enough to believe. Jeez that's morbid when you think about it... And we truly believed. That eternity has two options : forever in God's home or forever burning in the pits of hell. And that only the ones who hear the true word of God, through the Missionary Baptist denomination only, ( although we let Southern Baptists slide through a bit), and accept Jesus christ into their hearts, will be saved from this eternal torture and live in peace in heaven. Wow if they only knew they are so close so many times in their doctrines, but have chosen the literal path instead of using the stories as pointers. I suppose that's bound to happen as it appears to be a basic function of mankind. I digress... Which may happen often ?. There's one more instance which solidified what I'm (apparently) calling 'the turn'. And of course there's the story of 'the turning point', or 'the re-turn' (... Still working on that ??). But alas, that's another story for another day.

September 30 2019 Time : 15 minutes Object of attention :box fan Scattered with dreamlets but I found its nice to sit in the space between these thought stories because it feels more focused and alert. Had a vision of pulling my phone out of check the time just as my timer began to actually go off.

Humans are earth so that's like saying humans don't deserve themselves.