seeking_brilliance

Who am I? I am not Justin. Justin is an idea imposed upon something far too complex to ever describe . I am not a Husband. I am not a son. I am not a brother, uncle, or friend. A business owner. A lazy slob. Mildly creative. Devishly bad, or sweet as an angel. I am none of these things, because what I am cannot be defined. These are qualities of what I am, but they are not me. What I AM can not be described, because descriptions are too limiting. I am THIS, appearing exactly however this IS, right NOW. Who are you?

@TrynaBeTurquoise galantamine worked once for me, but it can make you too wired to fall back asleep so I would only take it right before you doze off. Choline is best mixed with HTP, or take the HTP before bed and take the choline during your WBTB. B6 is good too. But what I will tell you is there is no magic pill, they only increase vividness of the dream which may lead to more awareness and realization. Honestly most of my Lucid dreams have been random realizations and then you have to also learn to maintain that state of consciousness or you can easily lose lucidity or wake up. I'm still working on entering the dream world from waking state, or WILD. But need to learn to meditate first

one of my friends answered on facebook and said this kind of talk scares her. I was like... its ok don't be scared. I'm just saying that we should not live by being defined by the labels thrust upon us. @Bill W

I am currently having a dry spell, but have been a oneironaut for years. I love it so much. Try asking Dream characters questions. The more deep the questions are, the more fun. Although of course they don't always give you straight answers or the answers may be something wacky, so maybe ask why they answer that way or something. Lucid dreaming is great for shadow work or for exploring the freedom of consciousness. and i'm never tired the next day, if anything I am more energetic because afterglow is very nice.

Chapter 6: Heaven Heaven. As I said, Disney world to me was the closest to going to heaven. Pure magic. Not just the illusion that they put on for millions of people, but it was magical to see how things are run behind the scenes too. Of course nothing is perfect (lol?) , especially when people are involved, so sometimes the illusion is broken and the magic fades. For example, the supervisors at the park range all the way to bubbly and magical, all the way down to crabby and mean. It happens. (... funny, I run a business and that exact thing can be said about myself). But luckily the awesome magic of Disney world was strong enough to leave the lasting impression. But speaking earlier of my sexuality, this heaven was a place of freedom, and self discovery. I don't remember exactly how it began, but at some point I was on dating websites to find dates with guys my age. In fact I may have done a little bit of that back in Arkansas, in the last months prior to leaving for Florida. I remember one guy who agreed to meet me out somewhere in our trailer park.. I'm sure back then my innocent self thought we were meeting for good conversation. We sat on a log or something, and then I remember him making passes at me and it scared me and I ran back home. But in Florida, I was free. Free to discover. To make mistakes, and to grow. I went on a few dates with cute guys. I wanted to be boyfriends right away, and didn't understand the concept of dating around. I got my heart crushed many times, over and over. Luckily that gets easier with experience, but the trade off is suppressing emotion. By the time the internship was over, I was glad to get away back to Arkansas, just for the sake of starting over with relationships, now that I had experienced and learned so much. Metaphorically, I left heaven and returned home, changed. But the worst mistakes were still to come... ... But that's another story for another day.

@Alex bliss you're right, I guess if that's true then it just surprised me alot because I don't have anyone in person to talk to this about so it excites me when people show some kind of interest or understanding

Haha I posted this to Facebook. One of the responses I got was 'same as you...' and another was 'I am nobody'. And these came from two people who I know very well so I (think I) know they don't realize how profound those answers are

@Alex bliss hello how are you? Who are you?

@Bill W it's all good. Never be afraid to ask questions. What I think the post means is that if you look at yourself....really look... You can see that everthing that you think defines you, even down to your very name, is nothing but a label and expectation superimposed over that which you really are. And what you really are transcends and encompasses all of those things. Who were you before you were named Bill? There was a least a few seconds of freedom before the name Bill and all the expectations that come along with that were imposed upon you. So who was that?

Lol are you asking me what I mean by this?

@DrewNows I still have very low expectations and am just happy about being able to sit still and not have timer anxiety. Thanks for the video I will watch it when I get a chance

Day one, August 14, 2019 Time : 15 minutes Sat quietly for fifteen minutes and tried to focus on the sound of the fan. Thoughts were racing, and it didn't help that my husband woke me up with a cup of coffee... I love when he does that so all is forgiven ?.... Thought trains raced about the upcoming trip, and about work. They were mostly trying to be cathartic though, and trying to help me be ok with certain things going on. Every time I caught myself on a train, I redirected attention back to the fan and to connecting with myself. I don't 100% understand connecting with myself, which is why self inquiry has been hard for me. But I figured I'll relate it to feeling the body and the emotional sensations in my chest. At one point I began wondering how long it has been, and when will the bell sound. But mostly I was patient and completed the 15 minutes without getting restless.

Chapter 5: body image. The story of my sexuality is long, and confusing. Many twists and turns and areas which make no sense at all. Imagine living through it... I retained having crushes on cute girls all the way up until moving to Disney World. There was Samantha in sixth grade. In high school I had a girlfriend. Later on I had another girlfriend. In college another one. And then a crush on a cute spunky girl after that quickly failed. Then... Disney. Meanwhile throughout all of that, something deeper, and truer, was bubbling up. To start, let's go back to The Turn. As I became more self-conscious while puberty began, my body began to change. Before, I was a string bean. Slim and cute with wild hair. I actually never had a second thought to how my body looks. But one summer it began to change. I was getting fatter on the abdomen. Suddenly before I knew it, there was a big spare tire of fat surrounding my lower abdomen. My chest grew fatter too, and began to look like small boobs. I spent the entire rest of my life trying to fix this (sans surgery). I mean, it wouldn't be so bad, I could accept being a chubby... There's even a niche for that in the gay world, so I'd be fine. But the 'problem' is, as my midsection grew fatty, my legs, arms and face are still lean like a string bean. I have a handsome face to boot. I am grateful for that, because it gets you places (sorry, it's true). I can hide this with clothing, but I have to be real careful which clothes I wear. I would love to just be able to wear anything! (Yes, ego holds me back.) In school I preferred wearing a jacket to hide it. I pined for the cooler months so that I wouldn't look like a weirdo wearing a jacket all the time. Yet I still became the weirdo because I was one who didn't hang their jacket up for class. I spent years and tons of money trying to exercise this away. (although if you can tell by my meditation struggles, I probably wasnt doing the most effective exercising). In late middle school I asked for dumbbells and eventually an abs exerciser, because all the men in the infomercials were able to go from flab to fab with this simple machine. In my twenties I got real into walking and lost so much weight I was underweight. Sadly nothing I have done gives me a flat tummy and chest. It shrinks, yes, but maintains the curvy shape of an androgynous body. This obsession with my body turned into an obsession with good looking male bodies. At first starting with the good looking and popular males at school, until I discovered the glory of the internet. Now of course at that young age and being the good faithful Christian that I was, I only looked at pictures of shirtless men. But I pined over the bodies and imagined if I had one. All the while I still never considered that I was gay. And then... Disney... ... But that's another story for another day.

September 3rd 2019 Time : 15 minutes Object of attention : sounds of rain on youtube Near bedtime again. Even though I was dozing of towards the end (that can be unlearned..) I do feel like I had not focus to listen to the sounds.

October 2, 2019 Time :15 minutes Object of attention : box fan Did my meditation before bed this time, as I will probably do for now on. It's just too hard for me to wake up early enough and not be so groggy that I fall into dreams. (Although that's actually pretty fun and will probably continue as an unofficial meditation or whatever) Focus was stronger but was also tired due to the fact that it was after midnight... My usual bedtime is around 10 so obviously I won't meditate this late every time.

Chapter 4: Wilder Oats. I had been to Disney World twice as a kid. Once when I was pretty young my parents took me and my brother. I don't remember much about it at all, except for the campsite where we stayed and a particular Mickey Mouse doll with a tuxedo. I loved that doll. The second time was with my grandparents and cousins, and this I remember dearly. Well, I guess the memories are slim but the impression of it is still strong. I was a Disney lover for my entire childhood, and Disney World to me was next to heaven. In college I was presented with the opportunity to move to Florida and work in the land of dreams. I couldn't sign up fast enough. I had even a best friend, Christina (go me!) do the college program with me, and we flew in together. Immediately, we were placed into different housing complexes and given jobs at separate parks. We remained close friends but she found an entire group of friends in her new workplace, and began to spend more and more time with them. She included me in much of their outings, and I grew close with one of the girls of the group. However I never felt like a true member of the group but more of an afterthought. (our group called ourselves 'The Dingers'. Yes we were that dorky. Apparently one of the members would yell 'ding!' every time someone said a sexual innuendo, accidentally or not. Everyone in the group began doing the same and so it was named 'the dingers'. Although this all happened outside of my presence but..... Water under the bridge ??) I really was included in alot though.... and having joined another great, fun loving group of friends since escaping public school, I was really blessed to get that kind of experience. Now outside of my family's shadow, I was free to fly. I began to cuss (?gasp!). (I think some people call it swearing? ?‍♂️) I found out I was a good cusser. Before long you couldn't tell me from a sailor. It became a new language for me. A new way of expression. I don't remember feeling bad for it either. By this time I had already begun to question what I was brainwashed to believe my entire life. Silly things like that cussing is a sin. It's like... What's it hurting unless I'm using those words to hurt someone? ?‍♂️ I would never do that! (hehe... Never say never ?). Or how could such wonderful, fun loving non-Christians be thrown into the fiery pits of hell, worms crawling through their skulls and shit, just because they have never heard about Jesus correctly? I mean.... Baptists are so adamant about it that they even wrote a book about how they can trace their particular denomination back to the original church of Jesus christ. The one spoken of throughout the latter part of the New testiment. The book is called the Trail of Blood and I literally can't make this shit up. (? lol) Also out of my family's watchful eye, I discovered something a bit more impactful than my new colorful language... I discovered my sexuality. ... But of course, that's another story for another day.

@Nahm perhaps nobody will get it ? ?????....... ?

haha I just had to call a restaurant for a reservation tomorrow night. They answered with just a "hello", and I go, "Hi is this Synchronicity? " and he responds "well, this is Serendipity, how can I help you?".

Chapter 3: New Territory After living in Venezuela for a year and a half, my mom decided to leave my dad and we both moved back to Arkansas. We settled in a small town (Russellville, which ironically my dad's name is Russell...), and a year or so later she sent the divorce papers. I never blamed my mom for leaving my dad. He was a dogmatic, overbearing, somewhat unconsciously hypocritical man of God. With a short fuse. Once we got to Venezuela, it got worse, and towards the end before we decided to leave, I didn't even like him anymore. And to this day I bet you he feels to be the victim... (I digress...?) So in Russellville, I began a new life in new territory. I began college at one that is known for their graphic art programs in Arkansas. Being the good faithful Christian that I am, I immediately found a church to attend and looked for a preacher who used a comfortable preaching style. The church I found was called Calvary Missionary Baptist church, and the preacher was Danny Fudge. His style of preaching was similar to my father's : but not as much fire and brimstone and more soft, caring, and gentle. Ok, so maybe not as similar perhaps, ha. In my first attendance I was approached by a girl my age (19ish?), and she invited me to this place called MBSF. Missionary Baptist Student Fellowship. Wow, what an awesome place. Several guys and girls from all levels in college populated the lively halls and rooms of the MBSF. The building was nothing special really... a small, rectangular building with a tiny parking lot in the back. It bordered the college campus, right across from the football field. Inside was sectioned off into a few rooms : a hangout room, a kitchen, and a large fellowship hall in the back. For you non-churchy folks, that's a large open space with many tables where Baptists get to practice one of their favorite traditions : eating. ( Well, eating together, which is really quite nice...) And everyone gathered together under the same idea: how much we love Jesus! And it was our mission to spread his word to the campus of Arkansas Tech University. Here I was accepted. No one turned me away, or ridiculed me. I began to make friends and navigated that with ease. I was very lucky for that opportunity. My life was so different now. The colors just a bit richer. The pain of having no one my age to socialize with, was lifted. It was honestly one of the main highlights of my entire life. Two years of sowing some oats, away from the zealous eyes of my father. Although at that time I was still very repentant so I didn't actually sow like very sinful seeds ?? Then came an opportunity of a lifetime, which literally set the course of the rest of my life. Recruiters came to the school looking for applicants to work an internship at Disney World. There, I truly began this journey of self discovery.... .... but that's another story for another day.

Wanted to share this from 'I Am That' by nisargadatta Maharaj. Spoke to me as I read through it. It's a question and answer style book so M is when Maharaj is speaking, and Q for the questioner. --------—--------—--------—-------—------- M: Detach yourself from all that makes your mind restless. Renounce all that disturbs its peace. If you want peace, deserve it. Q: Surely everybody deserves peace. M: Those only deserve it, who don't disturb it. Q: In what way do I disturb peace? M: By being a slave to your desires and fears. Q: Even when they are justified? M: Emotional reactions, born of ignorance or inadvertence, are never justified. Seek a clear mind and a clean heart. All you need is to keep quietly alert, enquiring into the real nature of yourself. This is the only way to peace.

yes! just search for "I Am That nisargadatta Maharaj PDF" for a free version.

@DrewNows wow never heard his version you and your music shares...

bump

@arlin I feel left out....?.... Kinda.... ? Oh i see, i guess I didn't actually answer any of your questions

@Truth Addict its all good