seeking_brilliance

What makes you think this feeling is one of dying? Is this true or is it some sort of ocd obsessive thinking?

Exercise: Suffering I have experienced forms of suffering, such as: bad self esteem in school- was bullied a lot from middle school on, and had no friends from that time until I went to college. Then I realized homosexuality and was alienated from my dogmatic christian family. Thank god I had my mom, who also had her own awakening around the same time I did….actually she beat me to it and gave me the space for it to manifest. Thanks mom!! Suffering does not drag on continuously, thankfully there are also moments of clarity, love, completeness, and contentedness. Its interesting, I do not feel suffering in much of my life outside work, unless I'm at home thinking about work. Work brings 99% suffering, even though there are many things going on at home like termite damage in house and a depressed, possibly bipolar husband. Much energy is spent thinking about work. Home seems like a cake-walk. I meet this suffering by whining, avoiding, tantrums, covering, compartmentalizing, obsessing, hating, loving, questioning. Possibly running to an alternate form of suffering. The core of experience of my emotional pain? Fear of uncertainty. I'm scared of the unknown, every bit as scared as when I used to love it. I still love uncertainty on a great roller coaster or amazing cinematic experience. The unknown could also bring pain, and I'm obsessively scared of pain. Even seeing that pain is self inflicted, that fear remains. It exists because i believe in it. Sorry, I love beliefs. Kind of addicted to them, in a way that I don't mind identifying with them. They're beautiful. And they make a wonderful excuse for many things. Such as not letting go of them. An unnoticed suffering would be: maybe what I'm doing to my body, since I don't think long term and only about what I see right now, which is not immediate changes from how it's treated. I endure it because… its inevitable. A cultural-matrix self will inevitably suffer, like the best kind of art. Culture itself is ART. I definitely see the manifestation of suffering. It's built on the foundation of self-doubt and emptiness. Of want. Of believing thought. I get nothing out of this suffering, except perhaps the dopamine rush of bliss when the suffering ends and I feel peace once more. I become disinterested in everything except how much my life sucks in relation to what is bringing suffering. I'm very dramatic.

then who are you? Forget for now any deep existential might-be answers. I'm just asking you what is your immediate analysis of yourself.

((Reading music, or you can listen to it before reading to settle the mind)) Exercise: Self-Doubt (kind of went into free-flow writing with this one… sorry if it feels disconnected) I have an aversion to inauthenticity. Almost Ocd-like, so much so that in social situations I can't stand not being authentic. The problem is, I run a service industry business and I'm not always authentically happy, cheerful and sweet. I detest that I can't be this way- what's expected of me- at all times. Now… many of the times when I'm not being authentic, it's actually a cover-up because I don't feel like its ok to be authentic. So then I do silly things that are in many ways self-sabotage. All of these I judge myself for later. I don't feel enough.. Good enough, smart enough, strong enough, loving enough, witty enough, fun enough, silly enough… list goes on and on. I don't feel enough. I don't feel enough. Marijuana returns feeling. That's one of its gravitational pulls. I feel more authentic in a Marijuana dream. I feel like my childlike self. I miss my childlike self. That sense of wonder returns. I stopped feeling it when sober. I miss it when its not there. I don't feel enough. I don't feel like I am enough. That 'I' alone is better than all the shit I use-- to try and make everything better. I am covering myself up in some twisted way of also looking for myself. The cultural way of seeking is always 'out there'. Actually, I'm right here. And always have been. No I am not the same on the outside as I am inside. There are many guards up. Many many. So many, and I've been tearing them down for years already. I'm so extremely guarded. I miss childhood. I miss innocence. These guards are for others but also myself. I guard myself from peace, and from letting go. Do I enjoy this? Why else would I do it if I don't enjoy it? I doubt that I am enough. And that I'm good. I judge myself very harshly. Many times I hate myself. Many times, I can't believe I'm so fucking awesome. But… I'm talking about a hologram named Justin. Who I identify as. I'm not claiming I've stopped identifying as Justin.. But I also see it. My self-doubt comes in not knowing who I am, if I'm not Justin. But immediately the answer arises, I'm me regardless. I can 'be' Justin but he's not exclusive. I have proof of this, because every single night I am someone else. Daytime Justin and night time Justin are so extremely different (yet familiar), I cannot ever say that they are the same. Therefore every night I have experiences of being someone else than I claim to be in the "real world". One thing remains: I still ALWAYS am ME. I'm fucking me. Regardless. And I love alternate experiences. However, they don't define. I don't know who I am but I can tell you one thing: Myself. Yes someone might be surprised if they suddenly could see into my mind and heart. I don't exhibit boundless joy and energy like I used to. Again, I miss my childlike exuberance. It means that I'm not as authentic on the outside and I am on the inside, when I'm not even fully authentic inside. (Sidenote: inside of what? I already know I'm not (just) body, so inside of what? Is there as such thing as inside?) another sidenote: this condition came long before my habitual marijuana usage. Losing religion to homosexuality was a major factor. Yes some outwardly aspects of myself are fake. But the weird thing is I abhor being fake. And at the same time I tell myself that I have to fake being nice and happy all the time because its expected of me as a business owner. This is hard to wrap my head around if its just a belief or not, because how could it not be true? I don't know if I would feel better if my outsides and insides matched. When I focus in on this background sense of uncertainty, I feel: that I'm not good enough, that I should be better, that everything would be better if I was better. I am ashamed when I don't know. I was brought into my trade completely green, and one of the biggest challenges was not knowing something. It froze me solid. Inexperience killed me. This was a huge catalyst to self improvement and brought me to this forum. at the heart of this feeling: I still look outside for validation and love.

@Zigzag Idiot Wow schadenfreude... Of course I am familiar with this but never knew there was a word for it (culturally speaking). Yes I remember as a kid I would feel joy when kids cry and throw tantrums, and also when they get punished. Of course now it's just annoying lol. I never knew why I felt that way and maybe some suffering arose due to feeling bad about feeling that way... As an adult, I feel this way when people get in trouble for doing something wrong, like speeding, running red-light, are jerks about wearing masks in current situation, are Karen's and get shut down, etc.

@Nahm nice art. @Arcanus you are giving it power, not any outside influences. Who cares what people used to think about you? Their memory is just as faulty and deceiving as the next. Besides, who doesn't love a good redemption story? You do you, and do it with love. Everything will click around that.

Feeling Trapped, Suffering, and Struggling Chapter Three:35-39 3:35-36 A common 'disorder' within all cultures is the feeling of being trapped. This manifests in many ways. (In a very physical sense, I can think of the time-old story of growing up in a place and dying there. Not exploring something beyond. Feeling trapped in a town, school, job, etc. Sure I've dealt with this a lot, still do. Luckily I also manifest contentedness and love.) 3:37 This is talking about (even after seeing suffering for what it is ) we choose to feel and endure it. We choose by not confessing its true. Nearly all forms of emotional suffering is due to cultural assumptions. This book should remedy this, but I expect its still important to confess to our intentional victimization. 'Between grief and nothing, I will take grief' --William Faulkner 3:38-39 ( I was thinking about this earlier. Humans struggle non-stop. Even when there's time of peace, something is going on even subtly in the background. There's really not true peace as long as one is the cultural matrix.) Struggling emerges from the constant back and forth of mental suffering and replacing that with positives. ( Its funny…positives, negatives, revolving, like thought is some kind of battery? an imaginary battery that fuels an imaginary self….in imagination lol) Your Own Experiences of These Consenquences Chapter Three:40-47 Exercise: Emptiness Read book for questions: A: When I run into feelings of Emptiness, I tend to call it an incompleteness. I don't feel whole. I'm fucked up and missing out on perfection. I feel alone, misunderstood, and scared of isolation. I don't feel real. I want to be real and validated. I deal with them by lashing out. Backsliding. Unconscious eating. Escapism. Filling the void in my being. Covering up. Denial. (That being said, I do look a lot of it straight in the face. Marijuana helps with that.) These feelings can encompass the whole chest area and upper stomach, and extending up to the throat, with a tightening feeling, but also a sense of breaking apart or crumbling. A dramatic feeling of dying. I've isolated the feeling of incompleteness. It is not always there, but tends to arise in tangent with self-doubt. Not seeing that I am all and enough. Not content with truth. When I face this, I tend to decide to work on such a thing 'later' and then go and smoke pot to enjoy my next hour. (sad but true… or is it only culturally sad wink wink) The feeling would have been absent before whatever caused it because I definitely do not feel this always, or at least its not constantly in awareness. Keeping busy fills it. I literally won't sit still, probably because of it. Pot makes keeping busy more fun. Yes I see what I'm saying here. What is at the core of the feeling of emptiness? I don't feel real. I want to be real and validated. I want to exist and matter. And be remembered.

@QandC that's a very wild generalisation...

The Cost of Our Assumptions Chapter Three: 28-30 3:28 Two main cultural assumptions arise and play off each other, our assumptions of not-knowing (that it's bad) and our view of self (we realize we don't know what self is, but then think that's bad.) So doing what any good little cultural not-knower, we make shit up and are left with a conceptual self that is taken as true and real. Just these two interplaying tandems are so powerful we are not even close to an experience of real being. 3:29 The author has boiled down five main effects of this interplay, effects that arise as perceived negative conditions : Emptiness, Self-doubt, feeling trapped, suffering, and struggling. 3:30 Everyone experiences these conditions at various degrees and predispositions, but basically all five can be found in operation amongst anyone. Emptiness Chapter Three: 31-32 3:31 (Growing up, I was taught that people who didn't find god were roaming around with this emptiness in their heart, a void that could only be successfully filled with God's love. The 'sinners' would try anything to fill it: work, drugs, sex, gambling, etc. ) Here the author states that this is a basic condition of all cultural individuals: with physical effects such as a rift in the heart, a void in the pit of your stomach, or a hole or incompleteness in the very core of your being. 3:32 This is accompanied with the sense that you are alone, even in a crowd. (In other words, you don't feel like anyone understands you and you are so cut off from everyone else they can never help you and they might as well not exist) Self Doubt Chapter Three: 33-34 3:33 This is referring to a deeper self doubt than just not believing in your art or work, this is at the core a complete feeling of inauthenticity. That the big answers are out there and you are left out of the loop. 3:34 So to find ourselves, we tend to try and improve our self image. This is just adding more shit to the dung pile of BS, while our true authentic self is getting buried deeper and deeper.

@Alfonsoo nothing, I just mean you might attract other religious people and not the one you have in mind. You don't really know how ready he is. It's very hard to let go of a complete faith in God.

((Reading music, or you can listen to it before reading to settle the mind)) The Self in Our Culture Chapter Three: 24-27 3:24 Since the beginning of culture, we've tried to answer the question of "what is self?" But being a culture based on knowledge, this is unanswerable through knowledge so we just make stuff up. 3:25-26 We keep looking at 'being' as related to 'knowing'. As if our being can somehow be known, if we just try hard enough. The idea that we simply can't know being, and it must be experienced instead, does not sit well with culture. Religions attempt to find the meaning of life but are still wrongly based on trying to know. 3:27 The most we get out of knowing is the ability to live a conceptual life. It is not truly satisfying (although it definitely goes through the range of emotions and thrills of drama.)

words are symbols, we just don't think of them that way because we think of symbols as visual objects. Words are symbols and the symbols "mean something" which gets translated by mind into something meaningful. It developed as a means to distinguish meanings and ideas. Animals communicate more with their body movements, eyes, and sometimes vocally, but don't have the right brain development for reasoning.

Either you are transmuting all that energy, or saving up for a nice big one. It could come like a theif in the night, if you aren't ready it will rob you blind. Stay present and prepared, but also enjoy your freedom.

@Alfonsoo trust the old saying, if they are ready, they will come (and the teachings or help will find them.) they may not necessarily do this before the body withers. If you set bait, it would draw out those who are ready, and it may not be this stage green person that you like.

I agree. This is the only place on the internet I have found that the collective consciousness is much higher than my own, helping to raise my own vibration and gives me a media to do so. It is, in my opinion, the perfect echo chamber for this work, and that includes any of its flaws. I have learned so much here, and even though I don't watch Leo's videos, I applaud him for creating this space. Thanks!

((Reading music, or you can listen to it before reading to settle the mind)) ___________________________________________________________________ Not-knowing in our culture Chapter Three: 15-23 3:15-16 As a cultural assumption that goes largely unquestioned, is that ignorance or not-knowing is bad. We build biases around this idea and shame those for being ignorant. When we notice it in ourselves, we are ashamed and get upset. 3:17 Not-knowing cannot be prevented. It exists around us already non-stop. The trick is to change our relationship with it. 3:18 Not-knowing is not a concept. (the word is a concept to describe something indescribable. It is itself, a primary being. It is prior to knowing. In culture, we avoid not-knowing like a plague. It’s a built in function of the evolution of culture and society. We come across it countless times but ignore it and chose to give the dramatic attention to the knowing counterpart. 3:19 The author isn't denouncing "knowing", but is saying that not-knowing is the source of creativity and knowledge. It is the "ever-present aspect of being. " It can appear in different forms, just as having nothing, ignorance, or a disconnect from the universe. (whereas knowing would be connecting). We consider not-knowing a defect, but it is not. 3:20 We are asked to consider not-knowing as a state, and not an absence of something. Its an empty state of being. Harmless, and beneficial, like being calm. (I personally like to call it openness, as in being open to input.) 3:21 In the state of not-knowing, we instantly bypass all the cultural mumbo jumbo that's been controlling every aspect of our lives, as well as and also any other 'knowing' we may have had. It is here we finally find our true, authentic self, unformed and open. The author refers to it as the real-self. 3:22-23 Trying to know just leads to too much spinning wheels and suffering. Our negative relationship with not-knowing just adds fuel to the fire. As we begin to question our assumptions in daily practice, it becomes clear that we have been taking these assumptions as reality. When we identify an assumption we should open up to not-knowing and "seek out a more genuine experience."

One of the problems is that kids are already lost, and are part of the cultural matrix the moment they begin mimicking (infantry)... But an innocence remains, that blissful uncertainty of what's next. The uncertainty remains but adults learn to fear it. Kids also are not yet bored and disillusioned with reality. They don't know who they are and it's amazing. Adults pretend to know who they are, and that's just the nail in the coffin. Self inquiry exposes these assumptions as works of fiction. It would be hard to convince society not to let kids grow up too fast, and of course kids grow at different speeds. But I think it's imperative to give kids better coping mechanisms and maybe just teach them it's OK to be fluid. A rigid identity is suffocating.

@Johnny5 that's it, I'm buying a new hugging body pillow. @blankisomeone do you know how to move energy? Find where the tension of 'feeling shitty' is manifesting in the body (heart?), feel the energy pooling there and then spread it out, preferably down to your toes. Can send some to throat and head for a refill but not too much of this shitty energy.

@Zigzag Idiot awesome, thanks for sharing! I think, at least in my case, that when I say "I am going to die" I really mean that the body will cease to function and wither. I really don't know what I'll do. Whoever that is. (me) BUT!!! its still a belief, because even though we've observed it with other bodies, we have not actually observed it with the body in question. We are just making an (educated) assumption.

We Are Culture Chapter Three:1-14 3:1 Everyone feels, on some deep, mostly hidden level, some anguish and angst about our fear of inauthenticity. We tend to ignore it, cover it up, or blame the feeling on something that has happened to us. 3:2 A way to cover it up is to adopt beliefs and knowledge. These contribute to a 'better' sense of self, but does nothing to the core condition. The more we adopt, the further from our source and inner peace we stray. 3:3-4 This apparently is all thanks to our culture. Culture is what controls and constructs our frame of mind. This consensus type thinking may unite communities but is just a bunch of assumptions that is like building a house on sand. There is nothing sturdy there to set the framework. Cultural beliefs can make you feel temporarily better, and sometimes the opposite, but does nothing to really get to the core issue of inauthenticity. 3:5 'Cultured' originally meant a refined taste and appreciation of the arts. Somehow it began to describe a collective viewpoint of any group of people (no matter how big or small). It still holds the air of meaning that these collective viewpoints are refined; and they are, since cultural beliefs are a type of organic evolution. 3:6-7 Culture is an imaginary phenomenon, meaning it only exists in the minds of those people. It is not a real thing. It is completely imaginary, and yet defines every aspect of our lives: such as idea, actions, biases, methods, which way to look first when crossing the street, how to pet your dog, etc. We are born into culture and I'm going to go out on a limb and say that to be an individual person, you can't separate from it. Culture is literally the person and the hive. The one and the many. Hmm… 3:8-9 Cultural programming is imaginary, yet is as natural to us as the air we breathe. The author mentions gender stereotypes for example. These cultural assumptions are constantly reinforced and become synonymous with 'truth'. 3:10 Culture is necessary for structured communities to thrive,( but unfortunately it was not programmed into culture to realize that its all a fallacy.) The important questions we ask here on Actualized.org, like "who am I? why am I here?" are important to cultures, but they are answered with cultural answers, causing formation of dogmatic and sometimes deadly religions. 3:11 The human mind craves knowledge so much, it will literally just start making shit up to satisfy. And we eat it like candy. This is a universal trait, so all around the world this is found in every culture. 3:12-13 Its painful to question our beliefs, be they deep, great, or small. Naturally, we just brush the idea that they are just beliefs under the rug and live in the imaginary reality we're creating. We may even know in the back of our minds that this and that is just a belief, but we still operate from a mode of "its truth". This is source of much unnecessary suffering. 3:14 There are two categories of cultural assumptions which we will focus on for now: 1. how we view not-knowing-- as ignorance and adopting beliefs in lieu of experiencing truth. 2. assumptions regarding 'self', which result in adopting and preserving the false conceptual self.

Empty Your Cup Exercise Chapter Two:34-36 The idea is to list everything that you think you know, and investigate whether it is actually known or a belief. Its not meant to be done all at once but to become a living practice, so I will just list a few. I encourage any study group readers to list a few things as well. @Zigzag Idiot @Vitamine Water 1: The sky is blue. Ok, well is it? What we call blue is what I see nearly every day when I look at the sky, so this seems like an easy point for a known. Then again the sky is also black, at night; which according to science is the true 'color' of it, that whole blue thing is just an illusion. And black isn't even a color. And really there isn't even a sky, its all just an illusion of ozone barrier around the earth, which in turn turns the oceans blue, which in turn makes the planet look blue from space, deeming it the 'blue planet.' And now my head hurts…. Final determination: belief. 2: Pizza hut sells pizza. Well this seems pretty easy to answer. I've bought pizza hut many times over the years and they definitely sell pizza. Of course this all hinges on the beliefs that there is an entity called pizza hut and the food item they sale is called pizza- but for now I think this is an easy known. Final determination: known. 3. I'm a white middle-aged male. I mean… pretty much, yeah. I have experiences of all of those statements. The assumptions come in what is white(caucasion), what is middle-aged, what is a male, and what is this "I'm"? Final determination: a known belief. Ok fine, just belief. 4. I am more than the body. Ok this assumes theres a body and that I am also this body, but I can definitely say I'm more than that (If I am that). This is from direct experience exploring immaterial worlds. Final determination: known-ish (based on the probable belief that I am also the body)

@QandC perhaps you dropped habitual labelling and finally saw for the first time with new eyes. I can imagine that would be very profound

Our reality is created and defined by beliefs, assumptions, and biases. These are like overlays; like playing an augmented reality game which blends with what's really there before you. These biases create veils over truth. Shadowy cloaks in which we play dress up. Clothing. Our clothing can be masculine, or feminine. flirty, trendy, smart, bold, nice, funny, pretty, and clean. or they can be plain, poor, worn, heavy, gaudy, ragged, or just plain ugly! We wear many clothes. Sometimes we change several times in a day! But no matter how much our (physical) clothes represent attributes of ourselves, we never mistake them as our true selves. No! that's the body, right? Maybe its not the body either. But we wear too many clothes to find out. We don't even see the body. First we must undress. As the popular Christian saying goes: we must stand naked before God. The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame. --Genesis 2:25 We must become as little children, or as Adam and Eve in the perfect garden, before the fall. The fall, by the way, was putting on clothes. But no matter which clothes you wear, be it red, yellow, blue or gold- all clothing shares the same goal: Clothing is meant to come off. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- “Naked came I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return there: the Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” (Job 1:21) “For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out.” (1 Timothy 6:7)

@mandyjw love it! I knew there was probably a reference in thomas