seeking_brilliance

@Telepresent Yes! this is what I've been contemplating this week. Was almost going to start a thread on it. But I seriously don't know what they'd be... beside maybe mystical experiences one can have with meditation, yoga, etc. Seeing ghosts maybe... experiencing psychic phenomenon.... synchronicities (which happen to me by the butt-load)

@Shin I get what you are saying. I don't 100% believe its real. I've had too many "dream signs" to wake me up a bit. But its also so damn convincing. Probably if I have had a true awakening, I wouldn't be saying this right now. But right now I'm just like a zombie in the dream, with a few experiences to make me realize that I'm not a zombie, I'm a vampire! (hehe sorry, its a Jed Mckenna joke)

@Shin I'm not sure. Its different. Every time I check in this one, I still have 5 fingers on each hand, but in dreams I usually have 6 or 7 very strange looking fingers. I would love to become lucid in this one but I think its a different process. **edit*** of course, "I think" might be the problem

@cetus56 I know you weren't asking me, but I wanted to share this... the other morning I had a series of false awakenings, at least 10 in a row. Bam, right after another. And I was lucid in each one. And I remember remarking how lifelike everything looked, and at one point was out in my back yard smelling the flowers and couldn't believe how they smelled. There was also differences though, ranging from small to large, between these dream realities and the "waking" reality. But even when it was all over and I had gotten up for the day, I kept doing reality checks because I wasn't completely sure I had truly gotten out of bed, considering that most of the false awakenings started in bed. It was definitely a trip. Too bad the intensity of the experience has long worn off.

As a follow-up to my last Autolysis session, @Telepresent posed a question to help me dig deeper. The question was: what was I taught as a child about how to feel whole/complete as an adult? Do my adulthood experiences align with that? If not am I blaming myself, or was the roadmap I was given as child inaccurate? Wow, this is going to be a doozy. I hope I can dig deep. So what was I taught as a child? First of all, as being raised a preacher's kid, I was taught that a good man loves and fears God. That going to church twice on Sunday and every Wednesday night was expected by God. That a man should marry a woman and raise their children in a missionary baptist church, because of course it was the only denomination in all of Christianity, forget any other religion, that taught the true way to be saved and live for eternity in heaven with God and the angels. And man, I ate that shit up like candy. How could I not? I was raised believing this was the only way to God, and that anyone who didn't were likely miserable souls. Even though many of them are beautiful, and rich and have everything they could want, they don't have Jesus Christ in their heart so they are ultimately miserable inside. Like---what the fuck? And I believed that shit, like a good little christian. If I were to call today and let my family know how lost and in despair I feel, they would try to bring me back to Christ like the prodigal son. I'm the one that was led astray and they shed many tears over not knowing if I will be in heaven with them or not. I know they do this because I grew up watching them do this for family members and friends that were much less important to them than I. They fear and lament my probable eternity in hell. They feel shame for not being able to prevent my departure from what I knew as God. And on top of all this, I married a man! Man I really did a number on them, huh? I get the idea that when someone is enlightened, their worries and fears pass away, because they realize that there was never anything to be worried about. Likewise, I only wish I could show my family that this God they are worshiping is a sham. "His" rules about coming to church and gays not going to heaven have no meaning because everything is a sham! The "God" they are worshiping doesn't exist! If there was some way to just show them, all of their pain over my life choices would dissolve away. And my guilt of causing this pain to them would pass away. Now, I'm not necessarily saying that I blame myself for making these choices, because I realized long ago that I was never actually given a choice. I did not choose to be attracted to men. It happened. Imagine my surprise to hear much later that there's not even a such thing as choice! I'm still wrapping my head around that, but at least I know that I did not choose to be gay. In fact, who would choose, if a choice even presented itself. If there is no "I" , who chooses? Anyway, despite the fact that I don't necessarily blame myself (or do I?), I do feel shame and guilt because I know how much it hurts for them. Because I used to feel the same way for others. What was I taught to feel whole/complete? Marriage was a big part of this. Of course we considered it also to be okay to remain single, because the Apostle Paul did the same. But if I were to marry, there were holy guidelines to ensure a peaceful marriage and unity with God. A man and woman were to marry and raise their children ( if they choose to have any) in church and to ensure their children get saved and join everyone up in heaven. What a load of crap, by the way. Even though we despised cults, I was in one all along! If I could only make them see that they should be looking within, not up there in the sky--- but here I go trying to save them now. Perhaps it's best to let nature take its course and they can awaken when they're ready. I don't believe that we only get one shot. But then again, I don't know what the hell that even means! So anyways yeah my marriage obviously did not turn out as expected... Of course my brother did everything right. Married, became a preacher of God, had three wonderful children and is now a missionary to France-with the delusion that the people over there will listen and accept the same bullshit beliefs I was raised on. The previous missionary was there for 7 years and only had one convert... But of course my brother is the golden child and the entire family is so proud and happy that he dedicated his life to serving God, just like his father. It sounds like I'm jealous of him. On the surface, I don't think I am. In a way, I'm jealous because I would like to have had the "traditional family" . I'm aware that there's no such thing as the traditional family and only slightly long for it due to nostalgia for my belief system. I would also love to have children but have not chosen to adopt yet. I'm also a bit jealous, or at least sad, that they have such a good standing with my family and have nothing to hide. (having something to hide from my family would be a good future topic.) I fucking miss my family. We were raised very close. A bond that cannot be severed, but it is at best very strained. And the real kicker is that they actually want to connect with me! I'm the one who doesn't call! Why don't I call? Anxiety plays a huge role in this. What is feeding the anxiety? Guilt? Shame? Fear of confrontation? I'm getting a lot of good future topics tonight.... I do have a huge fear of confrontation. And trust me, I own my own business in the service industry and I'm lucky to avoid any confrontation in a single day! One of my worst goddamn fears! I really need to go into why do I have a fear of Confrontation. Because it's making my life miserable. It's obvious the roadmap I was given was inaccurate, considering it was built on lies and altruistic beliefs. And at the same time, I can't hate them. They were only doing what they believe is right. They don't know any better. Forgive them, for they know not what they do.

interesting, I will definitely have to dive into that... thank you!

More autolysis 10-1-18 I feel lost. What do I mean by this? To feel lost is to feel hopeless. Without direction. Cut off. Scared. I feel these things very fully, even though I also feel hopeful, guided, and courageous. I feel all of these things. What is feeling? Who or what feels? Does the ego feel, or does it only misdirect the one who does? Growing up as a preacher's kid, we had a much different idea of someone who was lost. This person needed God, which we of course had, in order to feel whole and complete, and also to escape eternity in the fiery pits of hell. What a laughable belief to hold, they are all laughable. But in a way, this Christian "lost" soul kind of sounds like how I feel now as an adult: confused, feeling incomplete. Who feels incomplete? It is a very egoic feeling. But do you blame it? I can't find reasons to blame it for doing anything. It is an artificial intelligence of my own making. And its starting to question itself. It's realness. It's authenticity. It's mortality. At this point in time I don't know who or what I am, if I am these egoic thoughts, or if they only influence my own. And are my thoughts my own? Is it possible for me to have thoughts? I don't even know what a me is! I think at this point I still don't understand what an ego is, what I am, Etc. The Ego is technically only supposed to be a survival tool the brain uses from a construct of memories and problem-solving. It technically is not considered to exist as an entity, yet I often speak of it as one or wonder if the "I" is it. But I have often heard that I am not the ego. So why do I keep questioning if I am it? Many times I also confuse the "I" as the Persona, Samuel. But this Persona is also an idea. A construct of memories and cultural expectations and circumstances. I have also pondered if this idea, the Persona known as Samuel, has become sentient and begun asking questions. Therefore, is this what I am? The sentient idea of Samuel? Seeking out validity of my own existence? Or does it only influence "my" thoughts, whatever those are supposed to be... Do I exist? Should I forget the notion that there is an I? Or do I search for the true "me"? I feel lost. If I am not Samuel, then who am I? If I'm not the ego, then who am i? Am I anything? Is there a such thing as I? How can the I be dropped? Everything I do perpetuates it. I have to be completely still and not do anything to drop the I? How is that useful? As a reminder? Something to carry with me throughout the day as a go about perpetuating myself? I feel lost. I don't always feel lost. Sometimes I understand what the next step is. Though it is easily forgotten. I say that I feel lost because I suppose I focus on the negative. A truer way to state it is "sometimes I feel lost." I do not always feel lost and to state it that way only perpetuates the idea that it may be true. And ideas are fucking powerful. Sometimes I feel lost. And sometimes I feel guided. Honestly I couldn't tell you which I feel more, but then again, who the hell feels? What are feelings? I think I mostly feel lost when I am panicking. The weight of everything crashing down in an anxiety - riddled tantrum. Perhaps it is not that I feel lost, but I have forgotten the way. Anxiety it is an excellent memory manipulator, where negative ones are bright and vivid and the good ones disappear into thin air. So I really can't trust the feeling of being lost anyway! Perhaps there is no such thing as feeling or being lost. Perhaps it never existed. Only an obscured memory of knowing and understanding. Perhaps it doesn't matter who can be lost, because there's no such thing as being or feeling lost to begin with.

Thanks to @Telepresent for their great example on how to go about doing autolysis. I have a feeling that it is something that will evolve for me over time. --------------------------------------------—------ 9-30-18 Autolysis : I live in reality. What a loaded statement. First I don't know what it means to live in anything. I say I live in this house, but the verdict is still out on what I am, much less if it is contained inside the body or not. I often hear on the forum that I would not be inside this house, I am the house. And I understand this to a degree because of my experiences with lucid dreaming. What are dreams? Who or what dreams? With dreaming I am well aware that I am not only the dream persona, but the other dream characters as well, and also the house and the chairs, and the coffee table. I don't fully comprehend it but I have direct experience of it. (Do I?) And then I hear on the forums that the same thing can be said about this so-called waking reality, that all is one. This reality feels so different than the dream one, that I am convinced it is the true reality. I haven't experienced any others than the previous two mentioned, and can't even fathom what another type would feel like. Therefore I claim this current one to be the one to believe in. To know is true. But I don't even know what reality is or if it could even exist. It's easy to say "well here it is" - but is it? How could I know? The obvious answer is, well you can see all of this stuff around you so how could one deny reality? But what am I seeing? Am I being deceived about it? Can I trust my eyes? I don't even know what eyes are! And what if I were born blind, what would reality be then? "well," one could say, "you would still have hearing. Everything around you can be heard, so reality must exist?" But can hearing be trusted? Who hears? And I were born deaf, and blind, and to save time, without sense of touch, smell, or feelings, ( whatever the hell any of those are,) what would reality be? What is constant? I live in reality. How could I possibly know this? It can't be proven that I live in anything. Or that they're even is an I. I don't trust anything to be true. This is unpleasing to me. Probably out of want of direction. Purpose. Fear of being ignorant. Fear of missing out on something good. Fear of not knowing if there even is a such thing as something good. I live in reality. Perhaps a truer statement is "I live in a reality" . The other morning I had a series of false awakenings, at least 10 in a row, with semi-good lucidity. With each awakening I would start in bed, count my fingers, remember that I am dreaming, and try to do some lucid experiments. In one I tried looking at myself in the mirror, but couldn't get the light switch to turn on. I had some really disappointing sex in another. In a few, I melted myself through the back end of the house, and explored my yard, smelling flowers. Lucid in every one. Each time I falsely awoke, it would take anywhere from instantly lucid to what felt like 5 seconds, before I remember to do my reality check. Sometimes the reality checks failed, and I was left wondering if I had actually awoken this time, only to find out that no, I do have six odd-looking fingers after a second check. That's how convincing this "other" reality is. It felt real enough not to be able to distinguish it from "true" reality, until I finally woke up and realized that no, this is what reality feels like. And it bothered me that I fell for it so easily. It also shook me up for the whole day, and I kept periodically checking my fingers to make sure that I indeed was no longer dreaming. The effects of this has long since worn off, but I am glad to record it. What also bothers me is that the reality checks failed a few times during the series of awakenings, and that I had no 100% proof that they werent just being stubborn in this reality. What interests me is that it is very similar in appearance to the dream reality, but as I said before everything just seems more stable. Whatever that means. I can touch the side of the wall, and it feels very real. But I remember multiple times doing this experiment in dreams and remarking how real it feels then. Reality is relative. Perhaps that's a good topic for another day. I live in reality. I don't think this is going to get solved today. Will probably follow up with the next session on "reality is relative" , when I feel ready to return to this topic. My severe lack of knowledge on this topic is laughable, yet understandable. We are all raised with this handicap of a total misunderstanding of what reality is. The blind leading the blind in circles. Occasionally one who can see steps in now and then to redirect. I live in reality. Perhaps going forward the truer statement is " I don't know what reality is or that I am living anything"

@Telepresent great, thanks.. Night. I wanted to mention that all the questions that I pose intermittently are mostly as written affirmations. Supposedy it can sometimes trigger reactions within the subconscious or something like that. (as if I could ever pretend to know what that means...) I can tell in my first post i got too sidetracked by my questions that I didn't stay on the original topic, and the questions became new topics. I think I laid alot out on the table though. Nothing wasted. But this relates to the idea that the autolysis which is done over there, may not match what is done over here. It is just so helpful to have an idea of how to approach this, kind of points the way.

@Telepresent your example is great. So glad to see you are implementing shadow work into it as well. I see now what you mean about staying on target, even though it's ok to endulge a certain insight that may pop up now and then. I think my other problem has been coming up with a good "thing that I know to be true", although of course there are innumerable ones. On the other hand, I have already come to a understanding (belief) that I don't know much of anything, so that probably gets in the way.

Ok now hear me out... This isn't one of those conspiracy theories about the earth being flat (although I do wonder if there are dimensions that exist which in their perspective we could appear as a two-dimensional object as a beautiful painting does to us... But i digress...) During a session of spiritual autolysis I revisted a topic that came up in a book I have yet to finish. The question is how do we really know the earth is round? Beyond all assumptions and facts that others have told us. It suggests to imagine being from a few centuries ago, when it was common knowledge that the earth was flat. Suggestions that the earth was round was laughed at and hated. Imagine the paradigm shift. (sidenote: I find it interesting and kind of sad that this paradigm shift could only be experienced by this particular generation of people. Any generation afterwards would be born in the world of this so called round earth, and never understand what it was like to think otherwise.) And I came to the conclusion that I don't know if the earth is round. I have no direct experience of this. I fairly believe in what others have told me about it and the rest of the known universe, but I have no flippin clue! So my question is : is there a way to directly experience the roundness of the planet, besides becoming an astronaut and seeing it from a different perspective? Traveling does not work because it proves nothing. (although "I" love(s) traveling ?) Or should I be satisfied with the fact that I will probably never know, in direct experience whether or not it has a shape at all. As I wrote at the end of my autolysis, I was questioning the phrase as a whole - "The earth is round. Is it? I would like to experience that for myself. But until then it isn't 100% pertinent information. I can still navigate through life (whatever that is) without knowing for sure if the earth truly is round."

@Telepresent Thank you! I don't mind if anyone posts in this journal since It will be dedicated to autolysis and would love any hints or suggestions. I go into a kind of free flow/ automatic writing when I was doing these. The first one is definitely a mess, but then again I was kind of feeling out this whole process. There are a few more sessions that I have not typed up yet, but I have found that more recent ones focus on the phrases as a whole instead of breaking down every word. It was kind of fun breaking down every word, but once I do it, I don't feel the need to revisit it at this time. I get exactly what you are saying (maybe ). I do throughout the day- even at work- think about these type of things, question reality etc. Posting on here helps also. Yes, I need to get my autolysis more focused so I can actually make some dents as you said. I like this idea of taking the question, redefining it in my own terms, and then breaking that down, again and again, rephrasing, etc. I think I'm getting a better idea about how to do this. What you have written does make sense, but a demo would definitely help. I'm definitely interested in your take on this. We could come up with a phrase together unless you have one you would like to use. **(edit i didn't see your second post yet, let me take a look at it)** I have a few chapters left of his first book. Hopefully he clears up this process in the latter books because the way he presents it in his first one is either too confusing or too simple (most likely!) for my head to wrap around it. I understand that he says write down what you know to be true, and then keep reducing it until you know what is true, but sometimes examples are the best way to understand a system like that.

@Matt8800 thank you, I will check out those links after work

@Telepresent Yeah it's just the process of doing autolysis that seems to confuse me. I had to look all over the internet for proper ways to go about it but there really wasn't much info that I found. I don't particularly think there's a wrong way to do it but I don't want to be spinning wheels if perhaps there is a more simplified way to do it.

@Telepresent thank you, that is clarifying a bit. Could you take a look at my journal and see if I am doing autolysis correctly or if I should go in a different direction? As you can see in my journal I am combining autolysis with shadow work but not sure if I should continue doing that

@Roman Edouard yes it would look quite strange... Although not impossible if there were retainer walls built up high enough to hold the water in ? obviously we would notice those walls though if we flew close enough to the "edges" of the earth.

@who chit oh trust me, I have... And will continue to come back to it until there is satisfaction. But last night I was wanting to try something different and I remembered the question that was posed in "the book knowing". @Leo Gura funny, I was contemplating after I asked that question, and I figured you would tell me to be the marble and find out for myself. Ha.

@Leo Gura now here's my counter argument : if I were to hold a marble in my hand, could I have direct experience that it is round?

@Leo Gura thank you, that's what I was looking for

@p1xelmonk @Telepresent thank you guys for the information... As I said I don't really care if the earth is round. There's enough strong evidence for it that I believe it is. But for autolysis, I have to write something i know to be true. And if I can't even do that for something as simple as whether the earth is round, how the hell am I supposed to figure out what I am? Or perhaps that's the answer : what I am is the only thing I can truly directly experience. Any direct experience using a sense such as sight or touch can not be trusted because senses can not be trusted.

@Leo Gura interesting.... I'll check my bank account ? So once I do this, i can confidently say that I know the earth is round? Or is it then a matter of does the earth even exist at all? I'm saying this for autolysis purposes. Trying to come to a "true" statement. I have to admit that the way this is presented in "The Damdest Thing" is a bit obscure and confusing...

@Colin wasn't that cool? By the way I'm not denying that the earth is round. I'm denying that I could possibly know this for sure, from direct experience. I can visibly see in the video that you shared that the earth is very convincingly round. But how can I know if seeing can be trusted? What is seeing? Who or what sees?

More autolysis ----------------------------------------------- 9-26-18 Something I know to be true : "I can often get cranky at work" I - don't get "me" started on this loaded word. Can - I don't know that "I" can do anything. Can supposedly means able to. What is able to? Who? What's a who? And whats a what? Can/able to does not have a limitless tonality to it. It implies that one is not always able to. Perhaps for now we consider anything that does not imply an infinite tonality to it to be untrue. Words like always, is, everlasting, limitless, etc. have a tonality of infinite. They are not infinite in themselves, but are used to describe that thing which we call Infinity. For now we will set them aside as true or "true enough". Eventually they will have to be let go. Often - what is often? It does not imply infinite. Therefore not true? What does it imply? It implies a relationship to none. It is neither none, nor infinite, but considered closer to infinity as compared to "seldom". In truth, I don't know that often is at all. Get - who can get? What can be gotten? Cranky - "I " hate(s) this feeling. It's miserable to be in it, and miserable afterwards when the guilt arrives. But what is this feeling? Who or what can be cranky? Why must it be a hateable thing? Is it? Who or what hates? Where does it end? At- implies direction. Direction does not imply infinite. "any direction" is closer. "at" means a specific point in a certain direction. Does not imply Infinity. It is within, but not wholly. Work - my career. Incredibly stressful in a way that I would never expect another person to understand unless they were in a similar situation. But what is stressful? What is stress? It's completely possible that I don't even know a tenth of the meaning. So I carry on. Sometimes I really even want to. I often get cranky at work. Why do I do this? Who or what does it? Stood I could say that I get cranky because I'm stressed. And because of anxiety. I have not yet proven that either of those exist. Yet they seem to make good excuses. Deconstruction : I can often get cranky at work.. . There is often crankiness at work.. . There is crankiness at work... Crankiness at work... At... ... There's no "true" way to say it.

I don't know anything...

You know what's better than a girlfriend? Adopt a child and tell me you are still lonely and don't have a family.