Pilgrim

Hey there, you know the answer already, it's self love. But like you stated you probably are your 5 year old self right now. This is so common, everyone has that.. those are the patterns that run deeply in us from our childhood experiences and when we encounter similar situations in the present we go back to our infant selves. Everyone has different psychological patterns with different origins, but many feel like they are not enough (me too). That is a very common pattern, millions of people struggle with it. You came already very far to know that this is your pattern.. and it will probably be a task for your whole life to work with this pattern. But healing from this does not only come in solitude.. if you make yourself vulnerable (like now) and creating intimate connections with others in your life, cultivating your self worth with genuine actions and a sense of knowing who you are, you will get this feeling of unconditional love. Did you feel that in your past relationships you could be totally you? Or did you hide certain aspects of yourself that you felt were unlovable?

The purpose of life I think is to be or to become yourself, not a better version of yourself. The best version of yourself is the truest version of yourself. I assumed that it should be quite easy if all I have to do is to be myself until I realised how difficult it actually is. We all have parts in us that we do not like and we want to hide them. Someone who is able to show their weaknesses without shame is the strongest person in the room I think. That's vulnerability, that's being true. There is no general right or wrong way to be.. no better or worse, only more fitting and less fitting for the individual. So that is my "experiment" at the moment.. to be totally 1000% honest with myself. To analyse my motives in life and to ask myself, is it true that I want this or do I only THINK that I want this. I noticed it's quite difficult to make this distinction and I am shocked how often I only think that I want something - be it out of societal pressure, a wish to impress, out of the feeling of not being enough etc. etc. Ultimately I believe that embodying something which comes from your heart should be very easy, but it's quite difficult to get through to this layer. To improve this approach, does anybody have advice how I can feel better into my true wants? I find this harder than I thought.. it's so difficult because often I would "want" things, where I feel it's socially expected from me. I have trouble being totally honest to myself out of the expectations others have. Also on a side note.. becoming our true selves is the most important thing in life in my opinion. Yet I feel this stands in contrast to self development to some degree. I guess acceptance of yourself and surrendering to things you cannot change is self-development as well.. but where do things like discipline and ambition fit in? Sometimes I feel like with trying to be ambitious about certain things and cultivating discipline I am trying to "better" myself, that I would be someone who others admire, someone everyone would want to be. Everyone sort of wants to be the leader, the star.. but isn't it actually much more difficult to be the imperfect (real) version of yourself and love yourself nevertheless instead of the flawless version of yourself and love yourself?

When I practice meditation, I do not only have the problem of constant thoughts arising, but also strong memories. I seem to be very visual in my perception and recently I get so many flashbacks. Not a day goes by without a flashback. Is there something I can do about this? In which way are thoughts different than memories? I mean memories are usually visual and can be triggered by scent or a certain scenery. But for me they also come up randomly. They are linked to certain emotions.. so maybe it just means that I have emotional turmoil inside me and need to address this first? I guess that's why you really have to first heal your emotional problems before you can attain a quiet mind. I am not getting much sensory input lately and have retreated to a very quiet surrounding, so therefore it makes sense that strong emotions and memories are arising, since I am not constantly distracted by external stimuli anymore. If I express suppressed emotions linked to the memories, do you think the flashbacks will reduce? It's not the same memory recurring by the way.. such as in a case of PTSD. It's just a lot of random stuff, also very nice memories.. but I am in a time of transition and I guess my system does notice this and the memories do make me sad, because I know this time is over. It's a form of grief in a way.. I know a certain chapter is closed for good and I guess I am still attached to it. That's why I guess the memories are coming up this frequently. So, do you think they will reduce if I express this grief through writing, painting etc.? What else could I do?

So, basically how I understand it is that we can decide how we react to certain situations if we are conscious of them? That is the amount of free will we have. We cannot decide what our psychological patterns are that run us subconsciously and they might lead us to behave in a certain way or to have certain emotions/thoughts whatsoever. However, when becoming conscious of this pattern.. let's say I have an insecure attachment style and am prone to men who behave avoidant/distant.. because of this attachment style I subconsciously "choose" these people, but I cannot really do much against it. Yet when I recognise this pattern I can choose to go against my "subconscious urge" more or less successfully. Is willpower essentially free will then? To decide to go against an urge (smoking etc. )? I cannot decide what I want, but I can decide, if I am conscious enough of my addiction, to go against my wants? But basically it won't be possible to uphold a goal simply by willpower.. that is why so many people aren't able to break their addictions. Essentially you have to reprogram your wants in order to successfully stop smoking. So now the question is, can I freely decide to reprogram my subconscious patterns? Is this a decision I can consciously make? Likely no change will occur without discipline and thus willpower is essentially important as well. So would you say that people who exercise a lot of self-control and are very disciplined have more free will? (probably combined with high awareness of emotions/patterns) Ugh.. this is really complicated.

Well it's hard to tell and eventually it's all speculation. One trait I am highly valuing in a teacher though is humbleness and I do miss this trait in both Teal Swan and Bentinho. They both seem to think of themselves as superior, which personally doesn't make me trust them. Yet I have to say I do find Teal Swans videos helpful sometimes and I can definitely take some useful insights out of them, while simultaneously not really liking her. From my point of view, both display characteristics of a narcissist and idolising them as a disciple could be very damaging. Nevertheless you can still learn from them, but on a personal level I wouldn't trust them.

I suffer from depression myself as well and as you I am a very mind-oriented person. I think that this intellectual tendency might be a culprit for depression. From what you were writing I can see that you took a lot of action, which is great. It's honestly pretty impressive. I do however also get a feeling of resistance coming from you. You want to defeat your depression by all means and you are using your analytical mind to find the best strategy. That's honestly exactly what I am doing as well and it sounds so reasonable. So why isn't it working? It really might be the resistance that is created. The hardest part is acceptance. I cannot really say much to this, because I am not there yet myself. All I know is that I am fighting my depression similarly as you. I do not want to accept it by any means. I mean of course not, it's horrible and torturing. How can we accept something like that? But acceptance doesn't mean doing nothing. It means loving the weak and vulnerable part in you. Loving your dark side. Accepting what is and not fighting what is.

What you are referring to as "soul" is the Self, that's what we truly are. I guess the soul knows already what it is, it was never a part of the illusion. But we are still identified with our ego, the self or however we want to call it. Therefore the soul is enlightened already, but we just cannot see it.

I am not sure about this, but I would try feeling into why you want to do this? What are your true motives for your achievements? Are you sure you really want this for the sake of the process? Or do you want this because you would like the outcome: being an entrepreneur/professor? Or do you want to do it because you want to prove to yourself that you are capable of doing it? Because deep inside you might feel you are not enough or you want to make other people proud? I believe that Musk and Zuckerburg are actually addicted to the knowledge. They are totally immersed in the process and it's not really work to them. But this is rather rare and usually linked to a certain kind of personality.. very often INTP on the Myers and Briggs have this tendency.. they live for mastery and knowledge.. it's really in their nature to be this way. But copying other people can never be the way, because it might just not be suitable for you. You have to be very honest to yourself and feel into your motives. I believe that you will find the answer there.

Why is that the case? I struggle with a similar problem as the OP. But isn't life in alignment supposed to feel effortless? Aren't we supposed to find joy in the simple things and isn't competing and the need for achievement and improvement irrelevant? Why is it the case that life is not supposed to be easy then? I know that would be the counter-intuitive thing to do, something that takes energy and hard work will be more rewarding than the "easy"thing in the end. But what about being content no matter what.. couldn't I have an incredibly easy and simple life with barely any responsibility or possessions and just pure being as my focus, being connected to nature and occupied with simple tasks and be totally fine? I guess that qualifies more for a simple life than an easy life, but still I do not get why life is not supposed to be easy?

"When you stand in front of me and look at me, what do you know of the griefs that are in me and what do I know of yours. And if I were to cast myself down before you and weep and tell you, what more would you know about me than you know about Hell when someone tells you it is hot and dreadful?" This is a quote from Kafka, and like he says I do not know your pain and I am sorry that you have to go through so much, in no way do I want to diminish your suffering. But already through your few words I can sense a kindness coming from you and I wouldn't want to lose such a kind person to this world. Sometimes the tunnel is long and dark and you cannot see the light at the end, but the trick is to keep moving nevertheless. You know there is, just not in a physical sense. You probably saw Leo's last video and you learned so much already to know that it is possible to transcend suffering. Your mind is speaking from a point of pain, this pain is also clouding your judgment. I understand that, if you are in pain already for a long time, you might have forgotten how it feels not to be in pain. But keep in mind, that you are projecting your future based on your current emotional state. This emotional state is not fixed and does change. Why do you believe you don't have talent to change your situation?

Can you elaborate on that? Because they don't realise that you have to be "selfish" in order to help yourself first, so that you can help others later?

When I do self inquiry I find it very obvious that I am not my body, not my thoughts, not my brain. It does not feel like it. I feel that "I" was given this brain and this body and that this brain sort of defines my personality. Everything "I" can do is defined by this brain, yet this does not seem to be me. I also don't feel like "I" age or anything like that. I guess I just don't truly know who or what or where this "I" is.. yet it's clear to me it's not my brain and not my body. What can I ask during self-inquiry now? I try to come up with answers who I think stays, when "I" am not my personality. Who stays? It seems it's a form of radiance that I have. People are naturally drawn to me and this is part of my true Self I believe. But I seem to be a bit stuck here. Can you give me a few more hints on what to specifically explore and ask?

A quote from Tolle comes to my mind when reading this: "All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry – all forms of fear – are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence." You know it's your mind playing on you, you worry too much about the future and this worry is totally killing the present moment and the opportunity to change something. Try to focus on what you can do NOW and don't think about the implications of the long-term future. There is no way you are going to come up with a plan that is definitely going to lead you to your destination. It's impossible to know, so it's totally useless to think about it. You seem like an intellectual to me, so this is incredibly hard for you. But I think that's the counter-intuitive thing you have to do right now, that Leo keeps talking about. Just try to focus as best as you can on your short-term goals (earning money) and try to stay present.. don't try to solve everything already.

I know that I am an Empath and in general a rather deep and emotionally intense person. It's really not easy to live like this. I would love to be emotionally more balanced, but I just care too deeply about people. It seems that I feel stronger emotions than most people around me which to me is more of a disability. I cannot really focus on my goals because I am so caught up in my emotions and as a consequence I am often quite unstable. I tried meditation but it just doesn't really help. I am currently also taking antidepressants for depression which seems stupid to me. it does not really help and address the source of the problem: my deep feelings. I am depressed, because I feel so intense emotions and life is not always beautiful and fun. Life consists of so much change and loss and to someone who feels so deeply this means a constant state of grief. In fact I believe I suffer from "depression", because I am grieving the losses of life. I am just so sick of feeling so much and would love to reduce the intensity. Does anyone have any suggestions what to do when you are feeling too deeply? Thanks for reading

Psychedelics are clinically proven treatments for depression. I have read a lot about positive experiences of people who microdose on psilocybin. I really want to try this since I have been pretty depressed for the last year and it's starting to become a serious problem. Mainstream therapy doesn't seem to help me and microdosing seems very promising. If anyone has experience with this, could you please share your knowledge with me? I know this site is not for sourcing and I am not asking about this. I guess I have to somehow find my way for this on my own, but if anyone has made experiences with microdosing on psilocybin and the effects it had on depression.. I would be very excited to hear about it. Thanks so much

Interesting, I made the same observation. And as you mentioned, I also think that the orange mindset just doesn't fit to the way INFPs are naturally wired. An altruistic idealist just has difficulties to identify with orange values. But the world operates in an orange mindset, so I made the same realisation that I need to integrate some orange values. I also feel like orange is more linked to masculine energy (goal orientation, competitiveness) and green is more linked to feminine energy (empathy, collaboration). I'd say yellow is again more linked to masculine energy and turquoise has a mix of both, but is more linked to feminine energy. I find that incredibly difficult too. I guess there is no fine line and you are probably a mixture of many. However, it's probably more realistic that you are mainly green and below, simply because anything above green is so rare. Consciousness of humanity is rising, but it will take a long time to reach and fully integrate even a yellow mindset, let alone turquoise. We might grasp yellow and understand it.. but to truly live it would mean such a systematic approach to life. I guess I do resonate with a yellow and turquoise way of thinking and seeing the world, but in no way have I embodied those mindsets in my behaviour. My behaviour is pretty green I'd say. I guess the difficulty is that there is a big understanding and interest for stages like yellow and turquoise.. but only understanding it and resonating with it doesn't mean that it's implemented in your daily life.

I totally love your view on that. But I definitely struggle with this, the world is more oriented around ESTJs and I find it difficult to be the way I am. I always feel the need to be different somehow in order to "make it". But maybe that's my mistake, I just don't know how to accept some of my weaknesses that so obviously need improvement.. but yeah, what you resist persists. Wow, I know what you mean. I think that's beautiful. But I believe interdependence is the key and that requires independent individuals. It's a fine line and I am not a fan of this over-individualised society, that seems so self-involved. But I believe it's important to become a balanced individual on your own and try to not act out of a need but rather a wish.

Can you give me some practical tips to tap into my masculine energy? I do not resonate with any of the masculine energy values at all, it seems that I have mostly feminine energy.. but I realised that this is most likely also the source of my problem. I am too airy-fairy and not able to produce tangible results. Also, I am very caught up in my emotions and feel very deeply thus deciding very often based on my emotions and not based on logic. I guess it wouldn't hurt to bring a bit of logical thinking, goal orientation and objectivity into my life. Although I feel like puking while writing this. See, I almost despise those values .. it seems like my right side of the brain is heavily protesting right now. Also everything related to Stage Orange provokes disgust in me, but I identify a lot with Stage Green. Yet I don't know if I really am green, because I do not think that I have embodied any values of orange nor ever really identified with any of them at any given time. This means I would have somehow skipped this stage. Yet I realise, as much as I am feeling resistance towards this, that I need to integrate a few stage orange values and a bit of masculine energy. In essence, I think it's important for me to develop: 1) assertiveness 2) objective thinking 3) and I guess there is no other way.. a bit of goal-orientation.. I am a very creative person and love flow-states.. so it seems to me that I am losing all the fun of free flowing and play if I try to press my goal into a structured plan. Especially being oriented on the result causes me to not enjoy the process. I hate structure with a passion, but I realise a bit of it is necessary if I want my work to have an impact. Lastly, I am INFP on the Myers Briggs.. I guess the NF is also very much linked to feminine energy.. so it makes sense that I just do not have much of masculine energy. Any ideas, suggestions?

@Kataro7 thanks for your answer, I am actually a woman ... I know we all have masculine and feminine energy and that is good and important. I actually believe that feminine energy is highly lacking in our world and therefore it's good that I have plenty of it. But in order to succeed here it's also important to develop the masculine side. To me masculine energy seems to be linked to the orange development level in SD.. I haven't integrated it at all and am this typical artsy airy-fairy hippie girl. Being an INFP makes me only more unworldly. And while I love being in my own world, I really want to have an impact on other people's lives as well. And I mean a direct, practical impact. Masculine energy is so important for implementation and that's why I want to tap into my masculine energy as a female in order to be more balanced.

What's the connection between aligning your life in maya with your true desires and - enlightenment? Why is it important for me if I want to reach enlightenment to align my life here in this (illusory) reality with my true desires?

But nearly every human does this. That is the default mode for us.. but if we are not what we think we are and in our truest form have always known the truth, why do we not know the truth in human form? It seems unnecessary to me to believe I am this "I", yet that's the case for most people.. why?

Why aren't we naturally wired to know the truth? Why do I have to spend 20+ years searching to find out who I am, when it should be obvious? Why isn't it obvious to everyone upon birth who we truly are if that is the truest form? And why does the majority of humans die not knowing who they are? What's the purpose of this life in human form?

Thanks for your answers guys! I must admit, I did not understand all of them fully. I guess this whole thread counts for mental masturbation, but I am just interested in it and I'd like to understand. I just read about a documentary about identical triplings that were separated after adoption and they still developed the same way. Even though they were put in different socio-economic backgrounds, they still had very similar behaviour, interests and problems. I just wonder what truly determines who we are here on earth as human bodies? This seems to emphasise that biology and genes are playing a much bigger role than suspected. And environment is actually playing a smaller role than thought (obviously it still makes a difference). But we seem to be driven by an internal programming. So what is it? Is it our subconscious?

I have been pondering on this.. do you think your life is predetermined in some way? How does this go along with free will? I know those are ancient philosophical questions and nothing new.. but my theory on this is that our lives are predetermined in some way, not through some higher power dictating the events of our lives.. but through our inner programming, we will find ourselves in similar situations over and over again. It's sort of an illusion to think that you current life situation could have been any different if you would have made other choices.. because your inner programming leads you to behave the way you do. This arises the question how many of our choices are truly made out of free will? I guess the more conscious you are of your inner program the more free will you have. But for someone who is unconscious of his patterns.. I believe no matter the choice, the result would ultimately be the same (just different ).. do you get what I mean? We subconsciously chose a certain kind of partner.. if I decided for job A instead of job B in country A instead of country B and I met person A instead of person B.. my life with choice A is obviously different than my life with choice B would have been.. but ultimately it's also the same.. because of who I am and what I am attracted to and how I am behaving.. I would most likely have similar problems with choice B than with choice A.. because my inner programming attracts certain situations and I deal with them with my learned behaviour.. how do you think about this?

I am In NY until the 13th of December. But wrong side of the states I guess .. damn it. I'd be up for Amsterdam as well!