Pilgrim

I think spirituality can easily be misused in order to escape from the current pain and reality. People might talk and dress very spiritual then and have all kinds of wise vocabulary, but they do not really feel at peace with themselves. I guess that's spiritual ego. That's probably why spirituality has a rather bad reputation, because it's often used as escapism. But there is also a very pure form of spirituality. Humbleness is the greatest indicator here. I really do believe that there is nothing more important in life than to be and love who you are. And spirituality can help you discover the most authentic version of yourself. Aligning your life with your truest motives; I cannot see how this could ever be escapism and not lead to a form of peace? The question is just: how do you know your motives really are authentic and not ego-motivated? And I guess that's something we are learning by experience.

Honestly it's not that important. An interesting personality will make you much more attractive in the long run.. as long as you are average in your looks, have good hygiene and aren't too small there is nothing in the way in terms of looks. Most women are attracted to self-confidence and humour.. good looks don't hurt, but they are not necessary either. So you do not need to feel depressed about that. Make the best out of your looks, do some sport and dress in an interesting way that's really enough. Work on your self-acceptance and self-love instead. Self-confidence doesn't mean to be the loudest person in the room, but knowing who you are, liking who you are and having trust in your abilities. There are so many different kinds of humour as well.. don't think about what girls find funny.. just develop the kind of humour that comes natural to you. This is your kind of humour and the girls that are attracted to it are the ones that are attracted to you.

I don't know, I think that's a rather out-dated approach.. while I agree that discipline is very important, without intrinsic motivation you will easily burn out. If your why is strong enough it will give you so much strength. And if that is combined with discipline, then you can accomplish basically anything.

@peanutspathtotruth just be sure that you researched this in depth. Germany has still a rather scientifically oriented common mentality and the people are rather cautious and cost-efficient. There are many people who look for alternative treatment that is true, but also many who - like you and me - are interested in offering it. From what I researched it is pretty difficult to establish a private practice and it takes years until it is profitable. Again, I really understand why you want to go this path and I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer. But I researched this intensively and tried to be as objective as possible and came to the conclusion that theory and practice were too far apart and it would be a massive investment with quite some risk involved. And you got a place at a university, which is really something to treasure since it's so difficult to get in. So yeah, I don't want to provoke fear.. listen to your heart but make the choice as consciously and all-informed as possible. Okay and now I stop hijacking this thread.

In no way do I want to say anything against your plans, it sounds amazing. I just wanted to draw attention to you, that when you are studying in Germany and got into a psychology program at a university you should think very clearly about dropping it. The insurance system doesn't cover the healing path (Heilpraktiker) as far as I am concerned. So you will have a much easier time attracting clients when you can bill them over insurance. Just my two cents.

that is a brilliant post.

Yes that is true on a more absolute level. But Leo said it himself that in order to realise no self you need a strong self first. I guess my approach is just different than yours. I do not care - at the moment - if what I am saying is true in the absolute. I am aware that it likely isn't. Yet that's not where I currently am in my development and my direct experience. I am experiencing the physical world - in the absolute this is probably an illusion - yet I have no direct experience of this knowledge. It's something I can sort of grasp intellectually. But so far I have the direct experience of being a body and a mind.. and I think that in order to fully experience no-self, you first need a strong, healthy sense of self. And the healthiest sense of self is the true self in my opinion. It's all a paradox. And the only focus I currently have is alignment. Softening my natural weaknesses and enhancing my natural strengths in order to function better in the world. Knowing my true motives. Creating an environment that fits with these insights. Nothing more for now.

yes i agree. It is incredibly complex.. and new factors are constantly changing the current situation. There are various outcomes that are within possibility and they change every given moment, because you yourself encounter new situations every given moment. This way the likely possibilities are constantly adapted to the way you are - in the current moment. Yet I believe there is a you that is your authentic self, and I don't believe that it changes that much in its core. It's just quite difficult to get to the core of this authentic self.. for instance I have done lot's and lot's of journaling and I am still not totally sure about my true motives.. but I know now that I do prefer quality over quantity in basically everything. This turned out to be true for me and I don't think it will ever change again.. I was deluding myself before because I had low self-esteem and wanted to be liked by everyone. But I know now that it's not possible and I would much rather have only a core group of friends that really gets me. I want intimate authentic connections and I don't believe that this need will ever change, because it's aligned with my true motives. In the absolute all of the above is probably irrelevant. Yet I have no direct experience concerning the absolute.. at least none I am aware of. But I believe that all of this is a process and I think aligning yourself with your true self and developing a strong healthy sense of self is needed in order to see through this "illusion". I think Leo mentioned it in his counter-intuitiveness video as well.. it's counterintuitive, but in order to realise no-self you need a strong self first. ---- Edit: That's the irony.. in a sense I believe it is totally irrelevant because I do believe that it is actually an illusion. Yet in order to reach the point where you can grasp this illusion, you have to take it very seriously and do your best to become the truest version of "you" (because this will also give you a calm mind). And since I believe that the world is - in it's uttermost nature - a paradox, I have a feeling that I am on the right track.

Well that was basically what they said in the video.. brain activity is there before you know what you want to do, thus the brain decides how you behave. That counts for this physical world.. on a more absolute level this is probably unimportant, but well we experience this physical world.. so I find it useful

I think it's useful in a sense to know this. Because you won't spend endless time on trying to improve yourself in order to become what you are not. This clearly shows that the only thing you can become is who you are and I find that beautiful in a way. We are all meant to be exactly who we are, so we are all allowed to be our authentic selves. Yet you can still use the knowledge of neural structure and how it affects your behaviour in order to enhance your motivation and improve your natural strengths and soften your weaknesses. Who cares if the impulse starts from the brain or from me.. that's truly not important. But knowing that you are here to be your true self is beautiful in my opinion.

yes I guess that is hard to tell, but essentially you cannot really change your innate biology that much (to a certain degree you can influence it through medication which will have negative effects as well), but through certain activities it seems likely to alter this given biology a bit. The way I see it, we are given a certain set of cards by birth. This comprises external factors (environment) and internal factors (biology). Now within our life we have the chance to play these cards well, which for me means to become the most authentic version of yourself. There might be a certain range within you can move your cards and at the highest end you will have understood your cards the best way you can and found ways to enhance your natural strengths and soften your natural weaknesses. But mostly you are true to yourself and not trying to be someone you are clearly not.

I didn't have any awakening moments or anything like that so far, I can grasp some of it intellectually.. but I really have no direct experience. I am open to the fact, that I know nothing.. but I definitely experience the physical world right now and I want to find out who I as mind and body am in my most authentic way. Yet I have a few challenges here because I have ADD and thus executive functioning does not work that well, that's why I'm interested in neuroplasticity to handle my weaknesses better. And frankly, I find it fascinating.

@Prometheus WorleyWow, that's so interesting. Thank you for sharing your experience with me. But essentially, I would say you changed the inherent brain structure.. I sort of start to believe nature vs. nurture is essentially the same thing, just approached from a different angle. But the basis is that your neural structure sort of defines your behaviour, but it is possible to change the neural structure through exercise, healthy diet, psychological support etc. (environment) and simultaneously you will have a subconscious program that conditions you in a certain way that can be approached through different therapy as well and thus alters your primal brain structure to some degree, but there will still be limits according to your biology. Interesting. What would you say about a "strong will"? Is it biology or environment or both? Is the strong will that gives you the determination to work on yourself basically ego?

I am also still so immersed with this question, but I think the brain basically decides who you are as a person and you are simply reacting and executing. But with awareness you can at least decide how you react. "You can do what you want, but you cannot want what you want". But with changing the brain structure, the personality would definitely change. Thus with influencing brain plasticity we would be able to decide what we want.. at least a bit.

Yes that's true.. but the higher the complexity of something the more difficult it would be to reach a degree of perfection. It's rather easy to make a perfect quiche.. you know what ingredients go in, how it's supposed to taste like and can experiment until you reach the best outcome. But with raising kids or for job performance or anything like that.. what is the reference? It could always be better.. there good enough should be enough But I like your thought

totally agree. but I agree as well with you. I guess the solution was found in 1951: accepting what you cannot change, changing what you can and being wise enough to know the difference.

I see.. so you feel misunderstood from other people? It sounds so cliché I know, but self love is a BIG factor for everyone. You might think that you cannot love yourself the way you are and that you have to change first, but change occurs when one becomes what he is, not when he tries to become what he is not. I'd really suggest to work on your self-esteem.

What about trying to increase your self-confidence and acceptance of yourself? I understand that you would like to change these things about yourself, because they seem preferable to you. But I doubt that you can willingly change your tendency for introversion into extroversion.. but you could embrace being a social introvert. With acceptance of who you are your resistance towards yourself decreases and with this your suffering decreases as well.. if you accept who you are, you might not even feel the need to change these things anymore. The more you love yourself, the more humorously you can take your "short-comings" and people will totally love you for this. I'd totally love someone who embraces his cautious and introverted side in a humorous way. You could try out Meet Up or something alike and just go to an event that interests you. Common interests are the best basis for friendship.

Common theme, you cannot eliminate it. But you can accept this need and feel it. Don't suppress it and pretend it's not there and that you don't need a partner when that's not how you authentically feel. Accept the need and feel into it. Self-love is very important. I guess there are people who truly might not have a need for a partner and for them this is natural and authentic.. but as long as it's not this way for you.. you cannot willingly eliminate this need. A better question would be to ask yourself why you want to eliminate this need? Dig deeper and feel into your motivation for this "elimination".

@LoveandPurpose Hey there! I am in the same situation wondering about exactly the same thing. There are quite a few rather alternative programs spread in the US.. the Integral Institute in SF is pretty open-minded and they have sister universities in California and all over the US.. they combine traditional education with more spiritual practice. It sounds awesome to me, but I am also wondering if it's better to take a pretty traditional route first and add spiritual practice later. I am more interested in psychoanalysis than CBT, but would be interested in hearing why you favour CBT. If you like feel free to PM me, I'd be happy to exchange with you

There is this quote from Einstein: "you cannot solve a problem on the same level it has been created, you have to rise a level higher"... this counts for this guy too. He cannot see that he has a problem, he is probably absorbed in very low-conscious behaviour and there is no way you will "wake him up" when he is being needy on an online forum. It's as if you would be speaking two different languages. The best way you can help other people is to help yourself. Be an example of what you want to see in the world and people who are open will be attracted to you. Then you have a real chance for change and offering help.

There is definitely lot's of truth to this, yet I would argue that this counts especially for a personality type that is very result-oriented.. most people like to become better in something I guess, but the degree of motivation this provides is still very different I'd say. This approach works probably well for someone with a lot of masculine energy and who is result driven. But for me for instance it's not really enough just to see a result or an improvement of a skill, this does not really provide me with that much joy.. it depends, but I am much more motivated by doing something with someone together and forming a stronger bond with them or doing something out of love for someone else (lot's of feminine energy) or when I can see the bigger picture of something I am doing.. when I think that it's truly beneficial for a larger-scale humanistic goal (very idealistic personality). So I guess as usual it's not one size fits all.. it really depends on who you are and what kind of personality you have.. and that determines as well what gives you motivation and what doesn't. So the more authentic you live, the more motivated or passionate you will become.. that's actually the natural consequence.. but you have to be SO honest to yourself. That's the difficult thing.. you can actually not take generic advice from anyone.. you have to make your own tailor-made advice book and test out what works for you and your personality type. I guess a few general things don't hurt such as developing self-discipline and self-control, but this also will be naturally easier and naturally harder for some types (depends on how high your degree of natural impulsiveness is).

I would suggest you the following: those thoughts are connected to your subconscious. It won't help if you just pretend that the problems don't exist and only "think positive". This equals to lying to yourself and your subconscious can clearly notice this. Go deep and feel these problems, feel the emotion linked to your thoughts. You have to ask yourself if the assumptions you are making are really true? My guess is that you are having a disparity between reality and perceived reality. Yet you cannot change this by simply forcing yourself to believe it is not true or does not exist. It's more work sadly.. you have to analyse yourself in depth and change your perceived reality by feeling your emotions and asking yourself if the assumptions you are making are true? For example if you feel a lack for not having a relationship and your thoughts are constantly around this lack. You feel unworthy and bad about yourself.. this is a negative cycle going on and on, which is linked to your self-image. This won't change though unless you change the perception of yourself. You cannot willingly force yourself to change the perception of yourself. You have to convince yourself that this self-image is not true (and really people with a negative self image are most often more sensitive to criticism and internalise this much heavier). There are several techniques in the book Psychodynamics and you have to work on your self-esteem. Also with more practical problems, there might be an underlying emotion such as fear which is the actual problem. Not so much the situation in which you are in, but your perception of how you are able to handle the problem. Or you might feel a lot of guilt for how you behaved. Your negative thinking is likely linked to an emotion. What you see in the world is a reflection of yourself and negative thinking equals to a negative self-image. You cannot externally force yourself to think positive, because subconsciously you are still having a negative self image. Thus you feel like you are lying to yourself. You have to internally change your subconscious self-image and convince yourself through arguments that your current self-image is not true. May I ask what kind of negative thoughts you're struggling with? What are the exact problems?

I don't know.. I think it's not about worthiness or anything. But I do believe that there is a joy that is hard to find anywhere else which consists of knowing who you are. That's at least how I see it, ideally your goal should not be to become "better", but to become more authentic and ultimately more you. Therefore you have to go through layer by layer and ask yourself what your true motives are. This way I would say, you are not becoming a better version of yourself but maybe a more pure version of yourself.

The problem is the human mind is creating its outlook based on experiences. You have many more possibilities than you can imagine, but you only know what you know. You know what you have experienced previously and your brain is calculating a probable future based on your past. However with taking action the outlook can totally change.. you bring new experiences into play which means you are opening up more possibilities for your brain. There is no way you can come up with a complete life strategy in advance.. If you have read Psychodynamics; it's important to know what your goal is, but how you get there will be taken care of step by step.. there is no way to figure it out beforehand, it will fall into place by itself. The only thing you have to do is create motion into the right direction. Think of one single step you can implement which goes into the right direction and slowly build it up from there.