Pilgrim

I attended a Master Mind group yesterday and it was quite fun! It's a pretty orange Master Mind though and most of the teachings were centred around money and getting rich... and I also feel that most of the literature is concentrated on orange thinking.. one of the books mentioned was "rich dad, poor dad" and the main discussion was about "think and grow rich". Did any of you happen to read either of the books? I think even though I am more interested in alternative, holistic topics and many of the people were way too success-focused for me.. it could still be very useful for me. I haven't really developed stage orange ever. I am a naturally non-competitive, but collaborative and non-materialistic person. So this is new thinking for me and the literature is also "new". Even though I feel like I can see through some of the limitations of this mind set and it's clear to me that ultimately that's not the way for me to go.. but I think I can integrate some of the knowledge. It was very practical and I want to combine the efficiency with more holistic topics.. more in the sense of a social entrepreneur. But if I want to achieve something I also have to look at the monetary side of things.. otherwise it's just going to stay a dream. So I think it's very useful for me, even though a lot of the thinking is not totally aligned with my values. And at times it feels like a "step back".. because I can see through the limitation and I know that there is a deeper truth underneath. But overall, I still need to integrate orange.. so it's not really a step back, but just a catch up of something I skipped over. What do you guys think? (Sometimes I got triggered to hint at something that lies underneath.. but I realised it doesn't make any sense. You can't really see through the limitation if that's the mind set you're at. It will just sound like gibberish and non-sense.. and the people will think "wow she's so naive, I got it figured out and she has no idea. Intuition is so woo-woo, what could you achieve with it. It's numbers over gut instinct." Or something along these lines.. so it's a total waste of effort to try to make someone understand something, he or she is not open to. So that could be difficult, to be able to see through some of it and not say a word.. because ultimately everyone has to find out for themselves and you can't convince someone into understanding.) So many learnings

What to do if the guy I am seeing has commitment issues? I have been dating a guy for 3 months now and since he came back from a Vipassana retreat he is acting very weirdly. We have been very close before and now he is very distant.. it seems like he is too hurt emotionally and not able to open up. And it seems that opening up to someone is getting harder for him, the better we know each other. I am also wondering if he just feels like we are not a match, since mostly "I am not ready for a relationship" means "I am not ready for a relationship with you" but in this case, I don't think so. I feel like he is very hurt inside.. he has been cheated on quite badly and it seems like he developed a fear of intimacy. He can't properly commit to me right now and wants to take it very slow, this involves also no physical intimacy/contact since he feels like he is loosing himself too much. He wants to develop more of a platonic friendship now (it seems like he feels this gives him more security) and take his time now and get more stable within himself. It seems totally reasonable to me, but the problem is I want a committed relationship, I want to know where I am at.. and he can't give this to me right now. He deeply wishes for true intimacy, but he is also incredibly afraid of it. I don't really know what to do.. because if I am waiting for him until he is ready, it seems like I am deciding against myself. And I don't want to do that.. I am making myself way too dependent on him then. That's why I decided to distance myself now and let him go. It's truly difficult though. But I don't see that there is another option? Maybe he is able to sort it out and maybe I am still there, when he is ready. But maybe I am then also gone already.. I don't know. How can you heal commitment issues and a fear of intimacy? Thank you for everyone who can contribute to this!!

For whoever this is interesting.. I decided now to completely cut the ties with him. He doesn't deserve this, because I know he truly cares about me. But I don't deserve the current situation either. It's hurting me because I can sense that he is holding back (be it out of fear), but he simply isn't all in and I am. And I want a guy who is all in with me. So that's my answer.

Thank you for all your diverse answers, it's quite interesting to see all of these different opinions (and projections ). Indeed I cannot know what's going on inside of him and indeed I cannot do the work for him. I realised I have some work to do myself, cause I was clinging a bit too much. It seems like we have this dynamic of the "chaser" and the "runner", the runner runs out of fear of intimacy and the chaser chases out of a lack of independence. But it's also beautiful that we found each other and have to learn to deal with these problems now. I have to be strong on my own (I changed my pattern already and distanced myself) and he needs to open up emotionally and be vulnerable (he tries and at least is aware of his pattern). So we are learning a lot and growing together, this requires a quite high level of maturity though and it's not easy. We hope for interdependence.. so far he is radically "independent" and acting as if he doesn't need anybody and could do everything on this own and I am more the dependent one.. but both are false in a way.. we both want security, he does not want to be hurt again and can't be vulnerable and with this he is isolating himself and ultimately hurting himself but he feels like it's more secure and I am too attached and clingy and feel like I need someone for security (polar opposite).. for our healing process we need to balance this dynamic within ourselves. Obviously the goal would be a balanced self and to form a healthy form of independence on both sides, which thus can lead to a healthy interdependence. We'll see what the future holds for us, but I know we both have to work on these patterns and heal our wounds now first. Thanks to all of you again!

I have met this great guy, I cannot put into words how amazing he is! We are dating since 3 months now and around the 2nd month we have become intimate and we went very crazy because the physical connection was just beyond this world.. that obviously distracted us quite a bit. And although we are both pretty aware, there is still much to learn and I think we got carried away by our sexual connection.. hormones took the lead. Now we are trying to start from the beginning and get to know each other more slowly.. because a true, genuine connection needs time and sex can be too distracting for that. (I believe there is another layer to sexual connection and we certainly have touched this layer already.. but it's too easy to get carried away in more "animalistic instincts") I believe that true, lasting love needs to grow on an emotional, mental, spiritual AND physical level. We have a connection on all these levels and I believe that sex can actually help to grow on these levels. But he wants to take it very slowly now and not be intimate for a while.. therefore my question is: how should I behave now? I have a very strong physical attraction towards him and I feel the need to touch him a lot. Yet I also don't want the physical part to be the dominating one and quieting out the other dynamics of the relationship. Maybe it's really best to try to leave aside the sexual part for a while and focus on the more "quiet" parts of love. But what can I do if I just feel the need to be physically close to him? How can I get closer to him on the mental, emotional and spiritual aspect of the relationship without being physical for now? Does anyone have a good idea how to especially focus on the emotional and spiritual connection? I feel like our mental connection is very good as well, we can really get carried away in conversation.. we talk a lot about spirituality as well, but that still seems to be a mental connection (since we are talking). Actually I felt most spiritually connected to him when we were having sex (that's why I know we touched other layers of sexuality already.. but I cannot deny that hormones were dominating at other times).. but what other way is there - besides the physical - to feel spiritually connected to someone? I don't believe it's through conversation.. but I just don't know how? Maybe through looking into each others eyes for 30 minutes? Meditating together? And then the emotional connection.. that one is the most difficult for us.. I have not fully opened up emotionally yet, but that is something that is difficult for me and I believe he hasn't either. Although we both want to, but we have been hurt in the past. And I think we are both still having some emotional protection walls around us. What can we do to feel emotionally more connected? I mean probably we have to be vulnerable.. and that's really the hard part.. I am really scared about being too vulnerable. But I know that's the important thing to do. But what precisely could we do to connect on a very deep emotional level? Could we also express ourselves through art and music and go through this route to the emotions? @Leo Gura @Emerald I would really appreciate your input on this question. I believe it could be interesting for many people on here.. thank you so much!!

UPDATE: When I posted this, I was afraid of never finding a boyfriend and feeling fundamentally flawed deep down. I thought it had to do with me, because I was seemingly never able to make it work. I now met an awesome guy and I still can't believe that really happened. He is amazing and we just click so naturally. I realised it had to do with a pattern of mine and that I was just attracted to the wrong kind of guys. Also I think everyone is potentially compatible with multiple people, however there are people who are compatible with a higher number of people. Whereas for me, I am not compatible with that many people.. of course there is not only one possible person for me either.. but I feel very fortunate to have met at least this one, because I can sense it's rare.. and there just simply aren't many people like him out there. Before that (because I didn't meet anyone like him) I was stuck with the "normal" guys.. and they just don't fit to me and I don't fit to them. I tried to adjust myself and make myself "normal" as well.. but ultimately that can never work when you deny your true nature. With this guy I can be completely myself, I don't feel like I have to censor myself, or that he wouldn't understand certain things.. I can be vulnerable with him and I never really had that before. I wonder where it's going from here and I hope I don't idealise him too much, but my intuition tells me this could be a life partner. It just feels very mature. I just wanted to post this update here, cause I believe many people think it has to do with "them", when in fact there are always two sides. On a side note: this is totally true as well! I just now saw your comment.. I think that's a trap I fell into quite a few times already. As girls we are taught to be nice, I am totally wired this way and always very polite. I am very aware I have to work on not being too agreeable. Very good point, thanks for that comment!

Hey lovely actualized community, I am 27 years old and I really wish to have a meaningful relationship. Yet my love life is basically non-existent since quite some time. I took time to work on myself and I am still not where I want to be, but I believe I made a lot of progress. And I feel I am ready for a relationship of the "next level". But I wonder if I am doing something wrong with men in general, because it somehow never works out. I am a pretty girl, I do sport regularly, live healthy, a bit introverted, a bit dreamy and in some situations insecure. I am a bit clumsy, but I also have this really cute personality.. mothers fall in love with me instantly, if men would think like mothers I wouldn't have any problem. Actually it seems like I attract many men at first too and most are very interested for some time, yet at some point it often shifts. I wonder if I am "too cute" in the sense of being the nice girl. I am definitely a genuine person and there is nothing wrong with that. But I feel like I am not showing my boundaries strongly enough.. that probably goes along with low self-esteem. There are also quite a few areas in my life where I do not really feel competent. I tried to work on my self-esteem but there are still many areas where I just feel insecure. Maybe I am just overly self-conscious and too critical, but in the end deep down I feel like I am not "good enough". So this belief obviously also mirrors the experiences I am having with men. Maybe I am also just picking the ones that are enforcing this feeling of not being "good enough"? Do you think it's possible to have a healthy relationship with this belief buried somewhere in my subconscious? And what can I do to change this? I believe it stems from me having ADD and always being a bit different than the others, feeling inappropriate somehow, but putting a lot of effort into seeming to blend in perfectly. I really worked already ver hard on trying to accept myself the way I am, but sometimes it feels like a mission impossible. Or could a relationship with an empathetic, sensitive man actually help me to believe in myself?

How? I really want to and I am getting better at this, I don't hate myself at all.. I like myself for the most part, but I don't fully accept myself either. I still want to "improve" myself.. how can I love myself and accept myself fully with all my weaknesses? How can I love EVERYTHING about myself not only the good parts?

no that's actually the same thing.. ADD sort of is the reason for me being "behind". You know my brain just works differently than the brain of most other people.. I am smart, but just different. My perspective is different and I focus on other things than 95%.. so in most situations people don't really get how I approach things. I realise that I have to stand up for myself more.. in the past I tried to adapt to the 95%, but I know it doesn't work and well it didn't so.. honesty rules. Probably I am also just overly sensitive about the fact that I approach things differently, because for me it's very obvious. But most people probably don't even care.. so this feeling of not being "good enough" is a consequence out of the observation that I just process everything a little different than most other people, I am a bit slower but also deeper in my thought process and often "hyper focus" on things when they catch my attention and I just often feel inappropriate (AND it doesn't really help that I am generally a very observant person ). So the answer is self-love and self-acceptance. In the end, if you are confident and accept yourself the way you are everyone else will too. But I still have a bit of a way to go in order to get there I totally agree.

I don't know.. I really don't think I am attracted to immature men. I think it's much more the opposite.. the only men I am attracted to are very, very mature. I like these extremely self-conscious guys who have a very deep thought process. I don't like assholes.

I think it is because I have ADD and I am a bit different than most people. And that is probably the source of this feeling.. however I am quite certain that half of humanity (if not more) feels this way.. deep down, many people feel like they are not good enough. I think it's mostly just me.. nobody ever gave me this feeling, I just somehow don't accept myself because I am different. The key is definitely self-love and self-acceptance for me. yeah... I am not really attracted to that many men.. I don't know why. I have a very specific type and I think there are just not that many men who fit my taste. And I do tend to be attracted to very self-reflective and mature guys.. not in age but in their development. So I do realise that the guys I am attracted to are first of all rather rare and secondly probably a bit out of my league currently.. simply because I am not at this stage of development yet.. but I do expect the guy to be there. But they obviously want someone equal as well.. so that really might be the issue. However, I cannot make myself be attracted to someone I am not. I think the only way is to keep working on myself.

good point, there might be some truth to this. I guess I really am not attracted to healthy men, at least not too healthy. I like a certain vulnerability in people.. those totally stable guys who never really seem to have a problem are kind of uninteresting to me. I definitely gravitate towards guys that have more layers.. but I am not sure if that really is a bad thing. I like guys who are mature and self-conscious, but also have edges. Yes that is true and that really is a danger. You have to stand up for yourself. I know what you mean and I am grateful I have never encountered such a situation.. but I still have to make sure I am not being used in everyday situations.. I was just raised to be very polite, this politeness makes it sometimes a bit hard to really be assertive and stand up for myself, but I am getting better at this

exactly. @Mikael89 would you really want to be with a girl that didn't chose you, but just a relationship? Maybe my title was little bit misleading, obviously I am not just looking for any random guy who is willing to be in a relationship with me, but want to find out what is limiting me in having a mature partnership with a mature, self-conscious guy that is compatible with me. From your point of view this might look like a luxury problem, but it really isn't. In the end, nobody will be happy in a relationship that is not compatible and it's preferable to be alone than with someone who doesn't fit to you. I really don't know how to help you. It's obvious that you are suffering deeply and I am sorry it is this way.

thank you for all your responses guys! @Salvijus well I guess I would just really want to have a mature partnership, because I believe you can learn a lot from each other and relationships also offer plenty of possibilities to grow. It's not that I just want any relationship.. I have a very clear picture about the kind of relationship I want. It's also not that men aren't interested in me.. it's more that I am somehow not able to make the next move with the kind of men and the sort of relationship I desire. But here you go.. it's still desire, it's still being a bit needy for this particular relationship to happen. I guess you're right, but how can I make myself not want something that I perceive as so valuable - also for my own development? @Shin thank you I read parts of the 6 pillars of self-esteem a few months ago and it really is very good! I definitely worked already on my self-confidence... but there are just so many areas in my life where I feel inferior compared to others.. my level of skill is just not as good as theirs. And I always feel I am a bit "behind", there is so much more to learn for me. I don't know if I should focus on my strengths and try to extend them as much as I can.. or if I should soften my weaknesses cause they are quite restricting. But my weaknesses are also closely connected to ADD, so I am not sure to what extent I am even able to reduce my weaknesses. @Leo Gura YES! This: that is very true for me. I think I know pretty well what kind of partner would suit to me and be good for me in theory.. but when I meet them in person, there is always something bothering me and somehow making me not attracted even though I value them SO much. Maybe it's the similarity.. that I just feel so close to them, but there is no "passion", "fire".. all the things we are told that love should be. There is one man like that in my life right now, but I am not having any romantic feelings for him. I value him a lot and I was wondering if I should give him a chance, because he really is a great guy and there is so much similarity between us.. but it would be also a bit unfair, because I know he has feelings for me and I don't want to break his heart. How can I start something with him, knowing I don't have any feelings? That doesn't seem right either. I don't have problems finding a man, but I have problems manifesting the kind of relationship that I wish to have. Maybe that's also a sign that I am simply not there yet myself. But I also think that I need to gain more experience in having a partnership. I have been turning down guys for a long time now, because I felt it was not what I was looking for. And then I have been turned down when I felt that WAS what I was looking for. So it's either my patterns.. or I still have to wait. But this desire is definitely growing with time, but it also seems highly stupid to me to get together with someone where it doesn't feel right. And when I feel it is right - the guy doesn't want to take the next move. That's the story of my life.. and I am pretty sure it's not only the guys.. there is something in my behaviour and in my subconscious beliefs that contributes to this end result. Thanks again everyone, will contemplate further on this.

I feel you.. and I think connection is crucial in life, there is no going around this. To me it just seems that you have outgrown this kind of environment and you could make yourself fit in if you wanted to, but you don't feel like you belong. The key is to keep looking for other people, you cannot expect to randomly meet these kind of people on the street or in bars or at your job (could coincidently happen when you're lucky, but likely it's not). Just follow your passions, do what you really enjoy and engage in those activities. You definitely have to move towards this direction in your new city and slowly you will meet the people where you feel you belong. Patience :), these people are out there, but they are rare and harder to find. Without taking action you are leaving it to pure chance to meet them.

@Paul92 Could it be that your family and you have always been quite conscious? Like previously said, spiritual experiences aren't necessarily connected to consciousness. I know quite a few people like that, just very self-aware, humble, thoughtful people.. not into spirituality, but nevertheless conscious. That's also where their happiness comes from, they naturally have a healthy ego and are self-reflective. But they don't question their existence and things like that, they just pay close attention to all of the areas in their lives. I would also argue that it's not really possible to be truly happy and unconscious, but it's certainly possible to not be spiritual, live an ordinary life and still display high degrees of consciousness and live happily.

I met someone interesting, but don't know how to proceed. It's been a while that I met someone I felt such an instant connection with. I am truly intrigued by this person, but I don't want to try to "win" him. I guess I want to know how to detach emotionally and not project anything into him. I do not know him well enough to really be able to tell who he is.. he really speaks to my hopes and I think he really is similar to me. But I don't want to fall in love with an illusion and I don't want him to fall in love with an illusion of myself. I want to be raw and honest. But simultaneously I wouldn't mind a little bit of "play" either. I want to leave him in the unknown to some degree, but not be too strategic or manipulative. What can I do? How can I be honest and authentic, but simultaneously not reveal too much and make it exciting? Interested in hearing about your thoughts.

@Hardkill Relationships and marriage very often do not last for a whole lifetime - yet sometimes they actually do. But in most cases they don't and that is totally normal and understandable. There are multiple reasons as you mentioned. But that doesn't mean that monogamy doesn't work. But you have to be honest to yourself and when you realise that a relationship isn't working anymore, you have to end this relationship. You do not have to stay in ONE relationship for your whole life. Someone mentioned it already "serial monogamy" is what works best for most. Yet many people are afraid to separate, because people in general do not like change and are comfortable.

@Bluebird Do you know what your attachment style is? It seems to me you could be fearfully avoidant, could that be? Hot and cold behaviour is typical for that, it's rooted in low self-esteem.. you want an intimate connection, but ultimately you feel like you are not worthy of it. Shin and ivankiss gave already great advice. All you can do is know your patterns as precisely as possible and be totally aware of them. Self-love is the keyword here. If you desperately need other people to love you, you will be draining them. Your behaviour sounds quite needy, and your 2019 year motto should be the year when you fall in love with yourself. It sounds so cliché, but it's the most important lesson you could ever learn. Everything will change when you truly fall in love with yourself. I have struggled with this myself and I know how difficult it is. You can DM if you want and I would love to help you with this.

@Hardkill Well your description of an attractive man doesn't appeal to me at all. We cannot put people into boxes, it's not so much about gender but rather about energies. There are women who have a lot of masculine energy and men who have a lot of feminine energy. I believe our task as humans is to balance these energies as well as possible. We have something to learn from each other. An ideal relationship consists of interdependence and mutual respect. There is no one person who takes the lead. Sometimes the woman may take the lead, sometime the man might. It's team play. I think it's a very bad idea to pretend to be someone you are not, it will come falling down at some point. I understand that it can be fun to try out strategies that work with women.. but ultimately that's manipulation. The women will not like the real you, but simply the picture you created about yourself. It's not sustainable, but might work in the short-run. A relationship is about finding the best fit for you, if you don't show your true face how can you ever find the best fit then? I agree that confidence is crucial though. Confidence is very attractive, but it comes in many forms. Just fall in love with your personal uniqueness and everything will be fine.

If you have ADHD it's very common to have low self-esteem. With AD(H)D it is very hard to sustain motivation and to be perseverant. The brain lacks dopamine and boring, repetitive tasks that are hard for everyone are almost impossible for the ADHD brain sometimes. Because of this it often happens that projects are started with enthusiasm but quickly forgotten again. You feel like a failure. I could go on and on, but the most important thing is that you have to understand how your brain works. Don't demand things from yourself that you (currently) cannot do. A minimalist lifestyle is easier for an ADHD brain (less decisions), good organisation is key, and you need an ongoing provision of dopamine in order to be able to sustain motivation. Don't take general advice, find out what works best for you. Usually it would be easier for someone with AD(H)D to start with the smallest tasks first and work your way up. This small achievement gives you again more dopamine to continue with the next task. Sadly people with ADHD are also often very self-critical and think very poorly of themselves. So you also have to work on your self image and be kind to yourself. Practice self-love and focus on your strengths. Work on your weaknesses, but don't beat yourself up for them. You did not chose to have them. I am not trying to put you in a box or pose a limiting belief on you "you have ADHD, that's why you can't..." Every person is unique, you have to find out what works best for you. But I believe knowing yourself as precisely as possible with all your strengths and weaknesses gives you the best prerequisite to find your way.

I wonder about the old psychological question: nature or nurture? on one hand I can clearly see on myself that it is very difficult to change my behaviour patterns and it seems to go down to biology.. some stuff that is ingrained in my DNA and my brain structure and some subconscious beliefs I hold about myself.. (would be nature.. although the subconscious beliefs can be partly due to the surrounding as well) And on the other hand I notice that other people influence me. But is it that they change my brain structure because they are changing my thinking? Meditation has effects on the brain, sport has effects on the brain. I am certain that the personality we have is linked to the brain.. people who have had brain tumours change their personality, taking antidepressants has an effect on the personality.. the brain functions basically decide who we are as personality and awareness decides about the reaction.. the brain gives the impulse (personality).. but with awareness I can decide how I react to the impulse. This awareness that could be called free will is actually the small part that decides about your character in my opinion. Everything else seems sort of programmed and the program just acts according to the current brain structure. My question now is, if I want to change my personality I feel that I have to change my brain structure.. we do know about brain plasticity.. essentially if I learn something new my brain is already changing. So there are multiple ways to do this.. taking a pill will obviously only work as long as I take the pill.. and meditation probably has more long-term effects on my brain structure.. yet if I stop doing it, it might also change again? I guess what I believe is that change is to a big degree due to nature (power of the subconscious, your unique brain structure, DNA) and to a small degree due to free will.. sort of the awareness that decides how to react to an anger outburst that is approaching.. (I can give in to the impulse or decide not to (but doesn't always work 100%)) Yet since we know about brain plasticity, it must be possible to alter this brain structure.. what do you think?

I don't think so.. I guess you have to engage in the search, because as you say you have the drive and you feel the need to do so.. so in a sense I agree with you that suppressing it won't help.. but I did not mean to suppress, but to surrender. And that is only possible when you truly exhausted yourself with your thinking. I am very analytical as well and my mind got much more quiet when I finally surrendered to the need to know and accepted I cannot know and frankly at that point I did not want to know anymore either.. it just got too much and I was suffering from my excessive analysing

You have to surrender to the fact that you do not know and you will not be able to understand no matter how much you research it ("drop the search"). You seem to have a strong analytical mind so it comes natural for you to think about topics and connect the dots. This can be extremely helpful in certain scenarios, but very hindering in others. Complexity is fascinating, but it can not be fully understood.. there are just too many variables. At some point you will have to accept that you cannot know anything for sure. But maybe it's not painful enough for you yet.. at some point when you totally exhaust yourself with this excessive analysing you might be able to just drop this need to know. And that's when the real transformation happens.

A concrete action that you could take is to open your heart chakra. This probably sounds silly to you, but it's really crucial to be able to express your emotions freely. If you have resistance towards this, you know you are on the right track. Express love, express admiration, express sadness... if you do not want to express this in person, you can also write it down. Another way to express emotion is through painting or making music or singing. This will increase your compassion too.