Wisebaxter

@KyleR Modafinil has just helped me out of my first major ego backlash. I experienced this after 6 months progress, having given up weed, starting a meditation habit and hitting the gym. Then all of a sudden BAM, I'm smoking all day again, playing games, up all night, having major panic attacks about my health, all kinds of nasty shit. So three weeks ago, after a mammoth gaming session, tired as hell, depressed, anxious, I threw away the weed and bought some Modafinil a few days later. Now, over the past 3 weeks I've made more progress in terms of raising my consciousness than I did for that whole 6 months. Taking this stuff has made me realise just how bad my neurosis and monkey mind actually was, because now, with it quietened down, I feel better than I've felt in...well, for as long as I can remember. Part of my issue was being lost in concept land. It's true what Leo says, this can actually backfire on you if you're not doing the practices. With Modafinil I can smash out two hours of self inquiry no problem, I'm contemplating like a beast, sitting doing nothing, observing the shit out of everything. I've had countless insights which have come spontaneously out of just 'being,' whereas before I was overthinking everything and there was too much noise and confusion for anything to happen. I was smoking weed daily for 20 years dude and I'll tell you something, I fucking hate the stuff. It's the devil in disguise. It tempted me in by allowing me to think outside of the box when I was in my teens, to become interested in art and going against the grain, being Mr Maverick. Of course I had great times with my stoner friends, the best group of friends I ever had. But a few years later I found myself withdrawn, addicted, no friends (they'd all given up), estranged from my family, from society, jobless, going to bed every night promising myself that tomorrow would be the day I gave up. For some reason every time I was sober smoking seemed like a good idea again, largely because I enjoyed doing it and engaging in art, you know how it is, music sounds better, games are more immersive, I was better on the guitar. But then the panic attacks started, the morbid thinking and anxiety, leading me to start throwing away my weed, only to buy it again the next day when the smoke had cleared, draining the little funds I had. So about 6 months ago, after creating a big vision for myself by watching Actualized, discovering meditation, personal development, I managed to kick the habit, until my recent relapse. Now I'm off of it again and I pray to Teotl that I stay off it. I know the cravings will come again, they always do. It's usually a new game coming out that does it, an Assassins Creed game, or it'll be the new season of Game of Thrones or Stranger Things. But do I regret smoking it? No. Because it made me who I am and I don't regret what is ordained by the universe. It happened to me so I could find this strength, so I could find the love and beauty on the other side of all that pain. But I sure as shit wouldn't advise anyone to start smoking it. I'm sorry to hear it's taking it's toll on you. Lay off that shit however you can. I don't see how anyone can use it for spiritual development. Meditating stoned? Almost impossible. Modafinil is fucking blissful and good medicine for the overthinking and neurosis created by the weed. It's also also counteracted the general anxiety disorder weed left me with and made me feel happier, as weed pretty much fucked my dopamine levels. I'm going to need some counselling and help with all this shit for sure, to stay off of it, but right now the Modafinil is working a charm. Am I addicted to it? No, I don't think so. I have days off here and there. But even if I am I don't care. It's like weeds more attractive, kinder sister, come along to sooth my soul and help me find myself again. I won't rely on it indefinitely. But it's giving me a nice boost to my practices and getting me though this pot withdrawal nicely. When I first watched Limitless that film did something to me. I knew it was relevant to my life somehow. Now I'm fucking living it dude life purpose shit every day, got my confidence back, back down the gym. Give the shit a try. it's not additive like weed, I really believe that. I'm taking 400mg daily at the moment, which is quite a lot so I'm upgrading to Armodafinil soon.

Man this shit literally kills my monkey mind. It's fucking ace

Just seen this from @Nahm So I'm done with these questions now. They only confuse me more. I'm going full Ralston on this...full inquiry mode. I'm going to evolve from a monkey into a hawk

@Truth Addict Ah I misunderstood you. When you said who is watching I thought you meant there's no watcher. All these concepts eh? This is my main barrier, the mind. I still feel the need to ask questions though. Thanks for your help on this one

@Truth Addict Yeah I did start to do Neti Neti but after Leo's video on how to do self inquiry I've now gone straight to just observing awareness as he says that's what all the questions are leading you to anyway, this sense of 'I am-ness.' One other question is, you mentioned there is no watcher. But can God not watch itself, if awareness is watching awareness, isn't that what's hapenning? To me it seems like the whole essence of being is God marvelling in it's own creation.

@Truth Addict That's a good point for sure, that there is no 'watcher.' I'll keep this in mind whilst I inquire

@Markus Have you got any tips on how concepts of non-duality can aid contemplation?

@now is forever I am not my underpants? That could lead straight to a mystical experience...

@now is forever You will only be able to measure the consciousness in the activity if you're conscious to begin with. One thing I've started doing is making every movement or action I make a conscious one, even down to each single step I take when I'm walking somewhere. Then each action becomes a single unit, taken for it's own sake, without the end goal always in sight. It's like mindfulness on crack. It means you're always aware of the present movement and not focused on an end goal. It's our obsession with end goals that make us neurotic and disconnected from being, most of the time.

I think it would depend on how much 'being' you bring into your 'doing.' When most people engage in activity they do so very unconsciously, without awareness of the present moment. When that happens the ego mind can take over and carry out the activity according to its own selfish survival needs, whereas if 'being' is present you're able to operate more from your true nature, at a higher level of consciousness.

@now is forever You can measure your progress in 'being' as opposed to 'doing' by your underpant 'change rate.' I think it says that in the Tao Te Ching somewhere.

@now is forever I can wear one pair for three days running as I don't move around much it's a superpower.

@Serotoninluv Haha when you squeeze it you get responses like 'I love you, but are you real?' Or 'why can't I think my way to enlightenment?'

@Nahm Aww dude, that really made me feel good, hearing that. Thanks for putting that out there. I don't have the best self esteem (working on it) so a comment like that makes a big difference. You're a pretty swell guy yourself Nahm. In fact everyone on this forum is awesome...such a responsive, helpful community. I feel humbled that so many people are taking the time to help me discover the truth. Thanks to all of you guys and gals, love you all!!

@Shadowraix Cheers bro that advice might really save my ass in a pinch

@Aaron p Thanks a lot for all that man, I really loved reading it. It's nice to get some encouragement for asking these questions because quite often I feel like it's pointless, given that, like you say, there are no spiritual truths outside of our direct experience. Over the past week or two I've really been going in heavy on the practices and I'm realising more and more where the truth lies (in what's actual) and how bogged down in concepts I've been. There are some concepts that point to the actual quite nicely, but there seem to be more than tie you in knots, especially at an early stage of development. From here on in I'm going to stay as focused on the present moment as I can and not get lost in monkey mind. This is something that often perplexes me. If it's only the mind that adds meaning and distinctions to things, how come I can perceive separation between things, like leaves on the road etc? Whether my mind adds meaning or not they seem to be separate leaves...even if I make my mind blank, I can see two distinct objects in my sense perception. Uh oh, damn monkey's off again...lol

@Shadowraix That does make sense, thanks. Does it mean though that I'm also perceiving the awareness that 'she' is at certain points, like when we connect really deeply, or when I look in her eyes and see the life there?

@SgtPepper Woah, I love that picture. What were you up to just before that shit went down? I want a piece of that action

@valleyken Thank you very much for all that. I am aware that evil is created only by the ego mind and doesn't exist in reality. This is a fundamental teaching of Leo's that I picked up on a while back and has had some very profound implications for me. I'm under no illusions that my ego constitutes a 'good person' at this stage, as this would also be my own relative label and not something that exists in actuality. I appreciate your eloquent and in depth explanation of this truth, which is such an important one. I also like what you said about how the body is just inert matter until consciousness or life is breathed into it.

What about the people who say 'you have to really want it (enlightenment) more than anything else...' This always confuses me as just as many people say 'stop trying, you're already it.' If I gave up on the quest, I'd be like everyone else and never become enlightened, so that implies there must be some level of 'wanting' involved.

@Martin123 Lol you're messing with us right? I can't find any information about that version of events online

@Shadowraix Thanks for throwing a positive story out there to help me get a little perspective. Am gearing up for my next trip and was feeling a bit paranoid. @Nahm Haha she's quite cute for an illusion right? Yep, I do have a touch of the old monkey mind....but I'm slowly calming it down...with the help of you fine people @valleyken Let me have a good read of all that and shout you back when I've digested it all.

Well I never!! The cheek....and I'm the monkey....

@Serotoninluv Wow, that's awesome Very much enjoying hanging out here with this particular cluster

@cetus56 Very well put