Wisebaxter

My plan for the future, in terms of relationships is as follows: Get well, attend recovery learn to love myself and build a life I’m happy with that doesn’t require anyone else. achieve financial independence and rent my own place accept that I may never be in love or find someone I’m truly happy with or suited to. Be ok with that and design a life to cope with it, with good friends whom I love and a fulfilling career. attend therapy i will never actively seek a partner again. For the act of seeking is akin to saying ‘my life is not enough’ or ‘I am lacking.’ if I develop a connection and a friendship with a woman that truly feels suited to me, I pledge to follow this up. to deal with sexual urges I will learn to use my imagination again to masturbate. Or I will get a fleshlight or a blow up doll

Today I release Lucie from my energy field, once and for all. I’ve been holding onto the past. I won’t think good thoughts about her, or bad thoughts. I will just let her fade. Memories will surface. I will notice them and let them go. My time of dwelling has gone. I won’t allow these thoughts and feelings any more traction. I invoke the power of the Akashic records to move myself into a different timeline and to end our psychic bond. With love I say ‘thank you for the lessons you’ve taught me.’ With love I say ‘May you be at peace and find happiness.’ With love I say goodbye.

Today I came home with two books. The first, A Study of Orchestration, the quintessential book on the subject, and secondly, the narcotics anonymous handbook, bought for me by Romeo, an ex addict. I laid them side by side and looked at them. I had the thought that they're related somehow, that my higher power is giving me a message - you need one to appreciate or achieve the other, something like that. I told Romeo about the drive to prove myself with the whole music thing and he said 'slow down and find out who you are. What does Alex like? So who is Alex?

One of Mate's patients, Serena, a Native American, told him that in her culture a spirit cannot rest if you don't let go of them. Gabor remarked that's it's impossible for her to do that as, according to her, she was the only person that ever cared for or loved her. This makes me wonder if that's why I've struggled to let Lucie go. Months went by and still I mourned, yearned for her. Or, what she gave me, what I felt around her. Cared for, seen, loved. This knowledge is seems empowering. Know better, do better. How then can I deal with this? To find someone else to replace her? To love myself? To realize that I am already loved and cherished by god or the universe? I'll think about it

I woke up with William banging outside my bedroom door and instantly felt stressed and anxious. It was like waking to the reminder that my space is not my own. It felt like he was doing it on purpose, to punish for me even being there. I left without eating breakfast. Being there during the day right now feels unsafe. In my mind he could kick me out whenever he likes, on a whim. if I'm there too much, if I don't change my behavior to suit his lifestyle, if I neglect to stop and listen to his thirty minute monologues on motorway planning permissions. To steal a person's time for your own pleasure is cruel and uncaring. I am so sick of being cornered by these people, simply because I'm a good listener. I'm standing there, dirty plates in hand, while he sits and talks Fuck. If my reality is comprised of the meanings I apply to things, then it would be more empowering to see this as a good deed on my part. The man must be lonely, in need of connection. I do feel for him. But it all means I can't even access the facilities without the fear of awkwardness or boredom. Instead I'm in the Range cafe, eating a shitty, overpriced burger and wondering how the fuck it came to this. Looking at the Spotify photo for Wolfchild I stop and consider how nice it would be to be a part of a musical duo. Where do I find a partner? Imagine the companionship, the shared passion, the feeling of kinship. I'd kill for that. Man I'm horny. the urge to go on Bumble is always there. But what's the point? I'm done with that insanity. Pay money just to be judged and made to feel inadequate, no thanks. I can do that for free by myself, or call up Lucie again. She's a pro after all. 10 Days sober. Listening to a Gabor Mate Audiobook called in the realm of the hungry ghosts, trying to understand addiction. It's helping a lot. As shit as things are, I am sober. I am a warrior today. I'd give anything for a blow job though. I'd give anything to be naked with her again. I miss her body, her scent, her face, voice. Everything about her. Ole big tits, I called her that to Lee, once, and it got back to her. Fuck that guy. Fuck this guy first and foremost though. Who does that? A drug addict, a people pleaser, a clown, a joker, a disrespectful fuck. This is my inner dialogue, laid bare. I Hope that getting it out and onto this page is helpful. Probably not though, who knows. So what would help me? What would definitely help me? I'll think about it. Right now I'm just grinding metal

I've just watched Timothée Charlemagne being interviewed by Theo Von. He talked about Bob Dylan, how inspiring he is, how he was an iconoclast that carved his own path. He also talked about his own dedication to the creative process. Afterwards I felt a strong urge to smoke. All those feelings came flooding back from my early twenties as I remembered how it all began, this obsession with music and fame. Weed was supposed to be my golden ticket, so why have I quit? how am I supposed to make original, captivating art without it, without the level of intoxication and immersion it provides? Should I block Pat and change my number? Maybe Triss is up late... Then it occurred to me...this is fucking insanity. I'm 44, I was supposed to have made it by now. This isn't playing out right. I am obsessed. The last twenty years have passed in a haze. I can feel the obsession burning deep within me, the yearning, the mad itch...I need to show that bitch, show all those motherfuckers who I am, what I can do. I need them all to feel regret, to realise they fucked up by doubting me. I need her to say 'I should have trusted him. I was living with a modern day genius and I was too stupid to see it. Why am I so fucking STUPID. Maybe I can get him back....I'll reach out....ah shit it's too late, he's not even contactable now through normal means. Probably has an agent. Did all of this really happen because I was so unseen? Do I really crave the attention of the known cosmos because my pappy didn't ask me enough questions, pay enough interest? Well....I guess I should calm down on the swearing. Sweet boy, so innocent. I see you. You are talented you know. I am your harshest critique but I will say, you are. But you're also sick. Sick with fantasies, detached from the present moment, from your very being, which is never enough. Just an asshole in a room, whom nobody sees. All Eyez on me.....would be a fine thing...wouldn't it? Perhaps I'll start with my own eyez and go from there. I feel this sense of lacking, dissatisfaction, eating away at me. What can I add to me? Money....oh yes money....attention, admiration....things, cars, clothes...they'd all look then. They'd look and say 'he's a success,' instead of 'he's an old pervert' Women would see me step out of my sweet ass whip and say 'I want his babies, how much for a pint of his semen?' I will chase, and chase...and maybe I will succeed at getting paid...but will I be satisfied? Based on every bit of sage advice ever handed down by anyone who's actually been there, no. I will keep on striving to fill that hole. Money won't ultimately satisfy, because after all it's attention I want. But how much attention? City wide, nation-wide? global? When will it end? I still don't understand it all fully, the drive, where it came from, but I know something, I am not happy with who I am, where I am. I am not grateful. What a naughty spiritual sin. What a crock of shit. What a goddamn lie. Fuck this society, fuck my parents, for infecting me with this illness. Who's the asshole now though? Who's the one picking at the wound? FUCK THAT. no more. It's time to turn inwards, properly. I need peace, self-love, gratitude and I need to feel like I am ENOUGH, right NOW. Right NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW. If I'm only striving to produce art to prove myself, then what's the point? What a dead-end. What a betrayal of nature, of the creative impulse itself. For me death equals admitting I've wasted time. That's what keeps me going. Throw it all away now.... Everything unnecessary. It's only going to land me back on drugs. They ain't no golden ticket. Only a ticket to misery, ill health, weakness and self loathing. If I need to slowly kill myself to succeed, then I'll sit with failure. I'll put the kettle on for it. I am not advocating throwing it all away. I will not make rash decisions. I am too confused and blinded by concepts to see clearly. If it has to be thrown away then so be it. But I would like to change my relationship with it all. That's what I'd like. But what I need....that could end up being different. This is my life, not theirs. Not hers. I will not look back in another ten years, still smoking that shit, still weak, addicted, saying the same shit. I will not live with regret in my old age. That's where I'm headed, I'll say 'I wish I could have quit the drugs...my life could have been so different.' No, I will look back and say 'Alex of 2024 was a smart motherfucker. He called it. Opened his eyes and saw it all clearly. Boy I'm grateful for him. Now I have an inner peace I just wouldn't have had on that path.' Because really, shouldn't this be the bar to measure it all by....how happy I'm gonna be down the line, carrying on like that, vs taking control?' Wisdom. Maturity. It all starts now. I will cultivate an inner love so deep, an inner world so beautiful and blissful, that nothing fucking matters. I will fall in love with myself, with life, with being. I will not stake my happiness on some imaginary future event. This is MADNESS. I will create an inner world that shines. I will accept and love all parts of myself. It ends here. And so it begins. There is one place that I have not looked....it is there, only there, that I shall find....the master

Tonight I sat and watched the moon appear from behind the clouds, amidst a clear, starlit sky

So far I've been following the plan above pretty accurately. I did backslide on the porn, but by it's about improvement, not perfection. I feel like my body was craving a dopamine hit so I let it happen. Rather that than buy weed. Today, whilst working, I felt the pull to smoke. It's so tied in with that behavior. Wouldn't it be nice to just feel the weed wash over me, to feel the added stimulation it offers while I create, the extra excitement, the extra focus. But is this an illusion? Really how excited was I? How much did it really aid my focus? I remember the pull to play games, watch films. I also remember the frustration of feeling trapped by the habit, along with the over thinking and anxiety. I can feel the harsh burn on my lungs as I suck on that pipe, I can taste the acrid smoke and the chemicals. Did William smell it this time? Is that why he's outside? Again and again I would need to get up and take a hit, with no respite. Hiding it whilst out, ducking into alleyways. What a burden. But still I feel the pull. Why? Because something is missing. Something just feels, hollow. If I was high now I wouldn't be able to sit and just be. Morbid thoughts would take me over. Right now I feel bored, lacking, but calm. I feel like a more complete person, someone worthy of respect. Less broken. Stronger. Hopeful. I feel like my hero Theo Von, back from the precipice. I don't want to go to the meeting tonight, but I will. I'm scared of socializing. I'm scared of feeling fake, why? Because socializing, for me, always has to be so polite. The character I need to play is tiresome. I'd rather just go there and be silent. Just to be near people. It's all the blabbing I can't stand. Sharing is great, because it's honest. Normal communication never makes me feel real. I miss Lucie so much. I miss who I could be with her. I was completely me. She loved me. now, she says she doesn't know me anymore. My actions have turned me into a stranger. All of the truth I shared, all my honesty, has been overridden, erased by the strength of her new perception. Now, in her mind I'm the guy who shows his friends intimate videos of his ex. I'm a liar, a cheat, a narcissist. I hope that one day she can see me again, in her mind. To be seen.....then to be lost...is heartbreaking. I must not do the same. I must not reduce her to her words, spoken in anger. I am still sober. I am still winning.

A minute ago I had this lovely feeling that I can actually do this music thing. I have nothing holding me back from it now. No drugs, no work, no relationship, no other commitments. All I have it time to work and hustle. I will create an infrastructure for success which will look like the following: Daily Meditation, prayer and Visualization habit Continued attendance at NA meetings and working the 12 step program A regular sleep pattern where I wake up early and head to the library to work. The music will now become a full time job. I will take a packed lunch and a flask full of soup or decaf coffee. I will use the pomodorro method to work. The evenings are for self reflection, contemplation and spiritual practices. Work out every other day If my finances permit, then I'll head back to either the gym, boxing or BJJ. No more eating out. I will eat a home cooked meal every day No more buying coffee's out. I will rock a flask A monthly trip to London to Network I will order online from Tesco to save time and avoid seeing people

Kaizen is a principle of gradual improvements over time leading to massive change. The idea is that small improvements are preferable to larger, more unmanageable changes that shock homeostasis and cause you to relapse. Over the past few days I've quit weed, Caffeine and pornography. I've even been to a narcotics anonymous meeting, which was incredible. Of course, doing this all at once is huge, and flies against this Kaizen principle. however, I believe that the stress of recent events will propel me forward and keep me righteous. My low self worth has always been an issue, punctuated by brief periods of self-love, but always hovering around the 'I'm a failure, I'm a bad person, I'm selfish' paradigms. The recent verbal assault by Lucie had sent me crashing down lower than ever. She called me many things. Narcissist, manipulator, liar, weird. Of course she was angry but I have to take stock. For whatever reason I have certain traits that are anti social. I believe many of them are either caused by or exasperated by the drugs. The only thing to be done, was to change. So here I am. Further up in this journal there are posts written during a previous attempt at sobriety. I'm glad to be back there again. I feel bored, slightly depressed and I still feel pretty shitty as a person, but today my new friend from NA, Pat, told me he was proud of me for attending my first meeting. I feel very hopeful that this is it for me. I cannot go back. I feel overwhelmed, out of sorts, afraid and shameful, but I am sober. I don't know what led me to a place where I shared intimate details about my ex at a place where people knew her. I'm not sure I thought it through at all. It was just me acting like me. Nothing new, just the same old perverted sense of humor, just the same old desire to make people laugh and be the clown. I've been like this since I was a teenager. When I think back, it's been causing me problems my whole adult life. The jobs I've been fired from, the people I've offended, the reputation I've achieved as being perverted, or weird. Being called 'weird Alex' at work behind my back is so awful for me that it can barely be processed. It's impact is being reduced by everything else that's happened, but it's a disaster. I have had amazing periods of growth pending these awful life events, so I'm looking forward to developing a new mindset, a new kind of maturity, a new way of living and hopefully in time, real financial freedom. The draw back to homeostasis will come, once the dust settles, but my determination will be waiting there at dawn, pistol in holster, ready to throw down. Right now the shock of recent events are keeping me true, but a storm of desire is coming, there can be no doubt. My resolution will be tested over and over again. I will keep going to meetings. I will keep riding out the cravings. I will keep praying for forgiveness and mercy. Lucie has an image of me right now that I believe to be distorted, to some degree. I am not the devil she thinks I am. But I have been thoughtless, immature, selfish, insensitive, unwise and disrespectful. Now my mission is to grow and become a better person, through service, coming outside of myself, daily practices, abstinence, faith and self-love. Here's to a new day. I'm sorry Lucie. I let you down. I let myself down. I wish I could have the time to really tell you what's going on, to try and help you understand why I am how I am, but I've wounded you too deeply, and now I can never show you. But I will show myself. I've been doing that for the past five days, and I pray for the strength to continue. Today, I am proud of me. I am enough.

When I look at the above post I feel a little embarrassed at my sheer affectation. I'm sure I was using flowery language for effect but the fact remains, it seems quit high-flung. Lights me up on every level? Ah, well, this is a journal of light after all, so I'll just put it down to romantic ardor and hyperbole. My love has now gone. I tried to make it work, but my best efforts were thwarted by the force of opposing traits far too ingrained in both of us. I won't elaborate here, for it would bare me no advantage, but I will say...I don't know what to say. When I was with her I'd read old posts written when I was single, and feel a yearning, a sense of despair and panic. I was caught again. What had I done? Now I'm back again, and I can write whatever I like. I'm free. Thank God. This time around I don't miss her much at all. I couldn't care less who's she's sleeping with. I see the situation clearly. I'm shocked that I was so hung up on her. Expecting me to get out of bed at 8am on my day off, just because that fits in with her time table. I'm sure she sabotaged the relationship herself. Good on her. Enough said. Let's keep it sunny. She's better off without me. I am free of her. I will not let the past dictate my present or my future. I won't think about her. She's gone.

Tonight I meet with my love to try and negotiate a way forward for us. It's been 6 months since I've held her close, felt her skin on mine, taken in her intoxicating aromas. The idea of a soul mate is irrational, yet she lights me up on every level and seems perfectly designed to both excite me and challenge me. Considering our past my anxiety is very low. I just feel pure elation at the idea of being with her again. I pray that we can work through our issues, honour our beautiful connection and enrich each other's lives. Being without her has been hard. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to meet and the possibility of reconciliation. I truly believe we were meant to be, as superstitious as that is. She is my angel. If we can't work it out I pray for acceptance and healing, I pray for resilience. I will make the following promises to myself: To always look for solutions instead of looking to blame To take time to sit with any painful feelings that arise and understand them, instead of choosing to react. To see her as another part of me, as well as a unique individual To practice putting myself in her shoes and showing empathy. To never walk out on her again To forgive myself and start again if I break any of these rules To work as a team To never judge her lifestyle choices or seek to change her in any way To make her life easier wherever I can To operate with love as my guiding principle instead of fear. To be practical and realistic in terms of our limitations and humanity. To keep the lessons of the Buddha close to my heart and avoid causing suffering To make efforts to appreciate her children as human beings and show them love and patience. To understand my triggers and to actively work on them The universe has blessed us with another chance. God is love and my intention is to be God-like. Here are some questions I could ask: What are my values within this relationship? What actions will demonstrate these values? How will they effect my 'relating?' What would I like it to look like? How will we 'relate' within this relationship? How do I want her to feel? How will my actions influence her emotional state? What are her values? What experiences would we like to have together? What has gone wrong in the past, why did it go wrong, and how can I avoid this happening again? What possible pitfalls can I identify at this stage, based on what I know about her, and me. How can they be avoided or dealt with if they occur? What is her love language? Where is she on the Spiral? What aspects of my persona could cause her discomfort and vice versa Based on what I know about her, what might she find attractive and unattractive in a partner?

@Zigzag Idiot Aw, thanks so much Zigzag, that means a lot buddy.

I did it. I finished my MA. Against all odds a rose grew from concrete. The harsh rains and challenging climate made it so. Every hater that trampled me made me stronger. Really though, I am super duper proud of myself. Not only did I finish it but I excelled. I thought I would struggle to compete but from my perspective I was ahead of the pack in lots of ways. Not surprising really, when you look out how long I've obsessed over this. Three firsts, three? I mean come on...I'm the goat at song writing. If I was going to focus in somewhere that's where it should be. That's what Stephen might recommend, if he were the type to do so. No matter what happens that can never be taken away from me now. If I was to die tomorrow I could say I did my best and challenged myself to the very end. How many people could complete an MA in music composition? That's no easy feat. Even Ethan, a talented musician, was out of his depth at times. I'm also super impressed at how innovative and original my portfolio was. I demonstrated that I can make music, edit, write and voice act. Is there anything this man can't do? I turned up to every lecture bar two, I wasn't once late with a deadline. I devoted myself 100% and worked around the clock, even when I was tired. I applied myself with vigour. The thing that makes it even more impressive is the lack of real world encouragement I've had. I mean, I'm not pointing any fingers here as I've hardly been a model friend and family member, but the fact remains, I've had to be completely self motivated. Really I just can't thank myself enough. Despite every possible criticism that could be levelled at me in terms of my other challenges and history, nobody can say I'm not a driven individual who it comes to art and my vision. you could call me a visionary. If you want. just saying. I dreamed a dream, I brought it to life. How many people can say they did that, or even came close? It takes a visionary, a warrior, a dragon, someone who can see past what they're presented with and imagine something bigger. To have faith, when everyone around you tells you you're crazy, is a miracle of the human spirit, of the capacity to create from a place of individuality and authenticity. If every human was able to assertive themselves and have a unit voice in line with their soul. That'd be cool.

I've surprised myself with how deeply I miss my ex partner. Perhaps I was really in love. What a beautiful thing to have experienced. So many amazing memories. The pain is so profound and raw now. The universe truly is gangster. We are conditioned to love but staying in a partnership is such a challenge. I hope I get another chance one day, to do it right. My yearning for her is still so deep that the thought just doesn't appeal to me. It's true I can't imagine meeting someone I connect with so deeply, but it's important to remember the ways in which we didn't connect. I'm so proud of her for finally cutting ties and moving on. It must have been hard. She's so strong, stronger than me. All I have for that woman is love and adoration. I hope she's met someone else who really makes her happy. I wish I could have been that for her. Doesn't matter now. It's in the past. I have to admit for a while I really thought she was the one. It's hard to break free from that thinking. I sometimes wonder how and why it all went wrong. It seems like a blur now. But this is reality and there's no going back, ever. Soon will come the day when I think about her and all of the pain is gone. Then I'll really be able to send her love, without my ego getting involved. Blessed ego. It was so satisfied, in so many ways, but also so restless. Well now I'm free, although it doesn't feel like I thought it would, because I'm still playing host to the heartache. That's ok. I'll be the best host. I love you Lucie. Always will.