Samuel Rdz

INVISIBLE... 2024 Acabo de descubrir que he huido del sentimiento de falta de valor, que cuando estoy con otro ser humano simplemente pienso que no deberían hablarme, que no merezco que se dirijan a mí en ningún modo, que soy un tonto y estúpido y que lo descubrirán, que al inicio conversan conmigo como si se tratase de alguien que merece ser tratado gentilmente, pero que a un idiota no se le debe tratar bien. Ese es el nivel de desprecio que creo que siento dentro de mí en cuanto alguien está a mi lado, que tarde o temprano descubrirá que solo me merezco ser ignorado. Ayer noche tuve un sueño, y precisamente fue sobre esto, estaba con alguien a quien considero un gurú en lo espiritual, estábamos en India, en una casa donde teníamos un programa a cubrir, yo simplemente lo seguía, y algunos alumnos de el y/o ayudantes lo seguían también, pero cuando se daban cuenta de "mi estupidez" empezaban a burlarse de mí y hablaban en su idioma como hablando sobre mí, siendo muy despectivos. también estaba en un lugar que parecía una tienda de abarrotes, con dos mujeres mayores quienes me ayudaban y platicaban conmigo, pero esa sensación de falta de valía me hacía estar tan inseguro que terminaba por ser ignorado. Ahí fue el punto donde me di cuenta de que me duele mucho ser ignorado o invisible para las personas, en ese momento me preguntaba por qué cuando yo llegaba con ellos no había una sonrisa de verme, ni siquiera de desprecio, simplemente no existía más, no era relevante mi presencia, creo que este es un punto central de mi sensación de falta de valía y lo que creo que me duele más en las relaciones con los demás, ser invisible para ellos, es muy doloroso, pues me confirma que así debo ser tratado y seré tratado siempre. Al estar escribiendo esto, me doy cuenta de que siento mucha vergüenza que sepan sobre mi miedo o mi falta de valor interna. Siempre he querido aparentar ser una gran persona interesante, y estos comentarios no creo que me hagan ganar simpatía, al menos no del modo que acostumbro a ganarla, aparentando, simulando. He iniciado este hilo con la idea de ser honesto conmigo mismo. No ocultar nada más de lo que siento, siento que no puedo salir de esta obscuridad porque me oculto todo con tal de no verme débil ante mí y ante los demás, pero temo que esta forma de ocultar me está dañando más, ya pasaron 4 años desde que pensé que escribir de esta forma en este foro, y en estos 4 años no he hecho nada más que seguir aparentando, no he puesto mano a la acción, no me he puesto a escribir y revisar mis avances y el lugar en el que quiero estar, estoy decidido a hacerlo a entrar en introspección. Veremos que sale de este experimento. Por lo pronto estos son algunos de los puntos que creo importantes sanar y trabajar en mí, y en los cuales me quiero enfocar este año en trabajar: No me siento cómodo estando con gente, me siento expuesto y quiero irme a un lugar seguro (donde este solo). Hay mucha timidez en mí, me siento aislado y solo. Siento que todo mundo me ataca y soy muy reactivo ante comentarios de otros. Estoy trabajando en fijar limites para no cruzar la frontera de un ataque que me lleve a punto de ‘no retorno’ (lastimar a alguien y sentirme miserable como siempre). Abandono a la gente que esta a mi lado (simplemente desaparezco). No hago cosas que implique estar con gente por no molestar, me privo de aventuras por no exponerme y no molestar a otras personas. Timidez para estar con chicas y poder cortejarlas. Estoy soltero y he tenido muy pocas novias, la mayora con fata de autoestima como yo (quizá mas). Estoy atado a un trabajo de oficina que me hace sentir varado y esclavizado, el tiempo se va y no hago nada de mis pasiones. No he aprendido a vivir solo, aun vivo con mi madre y me es muy bochornosos esto, no he aprendido a salir al mundo real. Me siento como un niño que no ha dejado el nido (siendo adulto). Me siento con un grado avanzado de neurosis. Me encuentro odiando a todos, con ataques de ira desenfrenada, deprimido., ansioso, mis emociones me controlan. Hay mas asuntos a trabajar pero estos son los que ahora me duelen mas y con los que me siento mas atorado al momento. Estare trabajando en cada uno hasta descubrir la parte mas dolorosa y poder limpiar la mierda que hay ahi

Mientras avanzo en salir de mi obscuridad hacia el camino al conocimiento[1], Me veo sorprendido por este tipo de comprensiones, Insights. Esta palabra en ingles no tiene un significado literal en español, desde mi punto de vista, insight traducido al español seria como revelación, entendimiento, pero insight en ingles está ligado a una comprensión ganada usando la experiencia directa, una percepción que te hace comprender algo en lo más profundo de ti, y ese insight ganado ya no se pierde, se registra en tu experiencia de vida y te hace crecer. Durante los últimos 7 años de mi vida me he dedicado duramente a transitar el camino del entendimiento, a querer hacerme consiente de mí mismo a querer salir del sufrimiento tan devastador que siente mi alma y mi espíritu, me doy cuenta que es un viaje a ningún lado, es un viaje a conocer quién eres de verdad. Durante este tiempo he ido avanzando en mi camino hacia la iluminación o conciencia y he descubierto cosas de enorme valor espiritual que me han dejado en estado de fascinación, nunca imagine que este camino siquiera existiera, cada paso es un verdadero descubrimiento, una lucha, “el camino del guerrero”, donde la lucha de gigantes parece existir, cada día es una lucha constante contigo mismo. He decidido escribir mi avance espiritual o mi recorrido dentro de este camino sin distancia, quiero expresar todos mis avances y mis insigths y me ayude a mantenerlos en mi conciencia y a no olvidar, y poder acelerar mi entendimiento, tambien por si alguien que venga detrás desea refrescarse un poco o se identifica con algunos pasos dados aquí, como yo mismo lo he hecho con otros viajeros que van dejando huellas. Junto con algunas palabras iré agregando mi entendimiento de este viaje con alguna música referencia a película o material que me parecen luces en el camino. Así que, como dicho en: ‘The Wizard of Oz’: buckle your seat belt Dorothy, because Kansas is going bye bye (abrochate el cinturón, dorothy porque kansas va a desaparecer)

Completly agreed @Ethan1 this is exactly what I have been thinkin since many years ago, it is really shame that the only way we have to connect and meet more people and ideas is to go out and drink alcohol ! this is the reflect of this completly lost society we have created. We definetly need new ways for meet with our people and be able to express ourselves to feel the thrive that connection gives. @jjer94 I'm glad you came out safe and sound! I dont know if someone remember the shooting that happened in Dallas TExas like in 2017 or so, I was in there in the middle of the bullets just running away of the Downtown, it was terrifying, after that when I arrived to my father's house (since I didn't pay attention to his hunch about staying home that afternoon) I felt big respect for him and after sometime of remembering and talking about that I was healed. This is part of the unconscious mind and all the schenarios that we have to heal and remove the meaning. Hope you are better by now.

@jjer94 how are you doing man? Are you still posting somewhere ?

One more thing, there is a technique that is very powerful and I feel it can help you to release emotions very quick, take a look at this video, this guy that appears giving the release it seems is in California, I think if you feel it you may go there and have an interview, this can have you out of that experience you are feeling now Good luck brother Samuel

Hi Juan, It seems you are navigating the dark part of the mind, once you start this travel (spiritual travel) sooner or later it will happen, if you are doing a sincere work you will have to face this place, is a very dark one, is as you said as if all is danger, world against you. Your feelings seems very intense since you have not seen yet the shore, the opposite end, where all the light of your self arise and lie. You need first to recognize and see that there is no danger, that you are the doer of everything, all things you see comes from you, this is beautiful when is contemplated since you will understand that you were never on a battlefield but in your mind that's real liberation. But in order that you can experience that and you can feel the release that this experience brings, you have to go deep in the practice of releasing your emotions, sometimes we think that something very radical should be done in order to get this fixed, but sometimes is the contrary (I do not mean to be passive either) so i'm agreed with zambize about the need of learning how to release emotions, this is very important since they are from what you're running away, you would love not to feel them, however these emotions are valid to be experienced, we know they could be very intense, so you have to start to know how to release them one by one, this will give you a huge step in feeling good again. I consider myself like a mind surfer, I have been in Ayahuasca trips many times, and what I found is that Ayahuasca can help you getting that glimpse of light and hope you need since you need to experience your real Self, however it can be also very intense, since psychedelics work with what is occurring within your mind, you have to know that set and setting is very important, you will experience with Ayahuasca (and some other psychedelics) exactly what you carry in your mind, if you have any practice or skills about meditation, contemplation, or any work in the mind where you could already work in yourself that will allow the Ayahuasca to show you more deep the truth and the healing could be total, so try to get a discipline or an spiritual path that can open your mind to a mystical experience, you may be ready for that however if you do the practice that can allow a huge experience of healing. Brother, just keep looking, baby steps, you are in a point of maximum understanding. If that serves you I use A Course In Miracles as spiritual path which is in my opinion the fastest path to enlightenment. This is the time where we can know once and for all what is happening to this reality, but we have to be brave and be willing to experience anything, so go for that glimpse you will know when you are ready. Peace and love Samuel

Hey JJer94, where are you? how are you doing? give us hear from you, I would love to know that you are being very busy looking for that freedom very desired and very near of us. your posts were very special in a time where the night was driving my time, thank you! Hope to have news about you and be able to find more writings from you Samuel

Just remember that is all temporary, that state seems real but is not, so is not happening at all, you should remain all the time "this shall pass too" There’s a famous fable of an ancient powerful king. As powerful as he was, he often struggled with emotional highs and lows, and that had caused him heavily during critical moments in battles. The King was prone to periods of great elation where he would make very poor decisions, and periods of great despair where he would get extremely upset. One of the kingdom’s wise men created a ring for the King, a device that would help stop him from getting lost in his high and low moments. The King asked, “How does it work?” “Wear the ring with you always. In times when you need it most, it will show you the answer and you will know what to do.” replied the wise man. Almost immediately, a horseman rode in and demanded to speak to the King. “Your Majesty! Your Majesty! The kingdom is surrounded. We’re under attacked!” The King and all his best men rode out to meet their enemies in the battlefield. They fought for a long time and it appeared that they would be defeated. Everything seemed dark and hopeless, just when the tired King was about to surrender the ring suddenly shined and caught his attention. Engraved on the ring was an illuminated message – four words which he did not see before: “This too shall pass.” All of the sudden, the King found new hope, courage and a burst of energy out of nowhere and fought back with everything he had. His new strength inspired his men to fight like never before, like men possessed. Soon, the tide of the battle turned and they won. The King returned to his city and threw a massive celebration for many days. Just when he was losing himself in the midst of a great feast, the ring shined and there was an illuminated message which drew his attention. This time it said, “This too shall pass.” Those four words woke the King up and returned him to his centered self. He came back to his senses, he returned to clarity, which had always been there inside of him.

I think when we realize that there is no self we should have also a new component where the consciousness can be sustained, as we need an identification and we think we are our story of us (ego), when we realize that it was all a story and false identification there are lot of anxiety and depression since consciousness is no longer being hold for that idea, so consciousness needs a new place or being to identify itself, we need to develop a new state of mind first (identification with spirit, pure love, wholeness) but in an experienced way so that consciousness don't get afraid of losing the ground. I think a great way to do it is thru Kriya Yoga and ACIM.

You are trying to get enlightened without undoing your ego, in other words is the idea of yourself who want to become enlightened, it does not work like that, that's why the suffering is huge since the ego must die in the state of pure self (enlightenment) and that death feels as real, you are trying to protect your ego instead facing it and realizing that it was just an idea that it never existed (yourself as perceived now from you). You will stop suffering when you become one with everything and your little self can no longer be the center the universe, forget yourself. Help others, don't put them apart from you since they have your liberation so they are you!

You are separating yourself from the table, that is the main distortion, you are the table and the brain at the same time which, so in order that table and brain can exist it must be an awareness creating them, the illusion is that you are wanting to see awareness as separate from things but things are awareness.

All this part of your message comes entirely from that part of your mind that is dying (ego). Somehow you threatened too serious its thought system and you realized in a very profound way the illusion of that being (in which you were identified). Your words are the words of that false self (in this message) as he know that the end is imminent and as you are identified completely all life with it, you feel that sensation of disappearing (because ego is nothing but an idea, that you already uncover), your pain comes from that identification, you are in a moment of start getting a new thought system where the Real Self can understand His reality as Wholeness and become who He Is. The attempt to be happy in a "mundane life" is the attempt of that false self of becoming unconscious again, you don't want at all that "mundane life" since was made from that false self so that you can never become happy, what you want is not feeling that fear! what you may imagine as becoming happy in that "mundane life" (wife, children, etc) is a projection of that false self to perpetuate the illusion of itself. The enormous fear that you have for enlightenment is an other projection to a specific state of the mind where there is such a pain, however what you call enlightenment is a state of no fear. And your fear for meditate is again an other projection of that state of mind that you want to avoid (intense and insane fear). I've been there, is such big and freighting that is almost impossible to see a way of leaving, but that state is not real (not just words but a fact) you need to face that fear not with your strengths but you need to train your mind so that you can realize once you enter that cave that there is not such state of pain as you were thinking, at this point you won't be able to do it just facing it, as I said you need to train yourself since all is about what you believe, all are projections about what you think in your mind, you are just starting your Journey, but you must know that is completely safe. I understand when you say that you won't feel stuck, I have news: the stuck that you talked that is what you fear is where you are. So the best thing you can do now is to start trusting that your are completely protected, this won't come just for saying it, you will need an experience of that trust, little by little, you are afraid since you believe that you have no choice but fight against that darkness, however the good news are that you have not!, you just need to work with the part of your mind that is believing is in danger so that the fear become less an less (since in the end the fear does not exist, is your own creation, but again you need realize that not just hear it). You have not choice about becoming enlightened or not, whatever you may believe about that word, the ego or your current suffering self is not what you are, that should be understood first so that you can start trusting in your process. If the mind is very afraid however you can go and take pills, therapy or whatever makes you feel better, the real practice is not to fight but realize that there is no need for that. There is no such thing as a dark night of the soul, the soul or Spirit never has one since He is in a constant state of bliss (as you but you have not yet realized it) the dark night is for the "ego" and while you stay there identified with that idea of yourself that night will feel as real, is as simple as choosing again not to be that self. But again, the important part is train your mind to find the new thought system. You must know that even if you think a mundane life is cool, you will always be needing to face death in the end for your life, we must be prepared from now to undo the false idea of our self so that we can have never nothing to fear. Little people have that great opportunity that you have, big fear is because the false self is dying and with that you will become free, real free and see what is life for real. One of the greatest teachings that goes directly without compromising or playing with the ego is A Course In Miracles, this path help you go slowly erasing the idea of fear little by little, but there is many more teachings out side that can be used. Don't be afraid because soon you will know your self, and you don't need to stay in the dark night any longer if you don't want. You will understand soon all the trick, and be prepared since a big laugh will come to you just when you see and feel that what you believe was never what was real. We were wrong in almost everything and that's great! Be brave, not because there is some monster there but because there are not. I'm in the path too, with you ! Samuel

@Leo Gura I would really love to listen from you in a video or post about ACIM and know how in your experience of non duality you integrate these teachings, I think if we want to go direct to the experience of who we are without playing around, there are very few roads that can provide with with such entrustment, the mind is really scared about knowing Itself ACIM (and few others) can be seriously threatening to the false identity (ego) and that scares.

@Noone Here Your beliefs are taking you out of what it could be the most advanced teachings on earth about not only nun-duality but what I would call 'Pure Non-duality' (directly to the one only mind, nothing to do with the little self) never seen before all together.

@dinesh Panic attacks are just fear of having fear, I overcome them after lot of work since is with your mind where you should work, the best a most direct way of overcoming them is to stand there and ask the fear to come more and more you will just realized that fear does not exists in itself is just your own thoughts which feed that fear, you need to practice a lot on that and know that as you will just start with that it will feel as hell in the beginning but is as sure that you will overcome them that even after that you will lough of that state How could you even believe that ?!.. I recommend you the linden method (but go all the way with it). https://www.thelindenmethod.co.uk/ Also, read the book the power of now by Eckart Tolle may give a great understanding about how the mind works, and in the end is all about understanding, we are in a kind of darkness when we know nothing about our own mind functioning so you need to get a frame of reference about how all your mind, thoughts, decisions, beliefs, are being deployed. As you are suffering you will have the willing to go throughout all that realization. Good look and know that you will never be in danger for real, all is your mind creation. Samuel

@jjer94 , I have somehow identified myself with lot of your posts, I have been also someone who is trying to just feel peace of mind, I should tell you that some years ago I was so bad in my feelings as if it fell into an abyss all day long, but something inside of me was telling me strongly at the same time that there was such a beauty after passing across that darkness that I was kind of guided to a ceremony of Ayahuasca in Mexico (where I'm from) it was overwhelmed, everything had sense that moment, who I'm, Why I was as I was feeling, I cried as a child, as never in my life and I was able only to say thank you! because of what I was. My friend, we are doing all this to ourselves, no more no less, as may be you have already read, we are each one of that people outside of us, we are making the whole joke, that is where we can start having our freedom back to recognizing that no body is there out side , we are playing all these characters (evil, good, fool, etc..) but that is not enough to know it, we need to experience it, for that we have holy Ayahuasca, DMT, mushrooms.. which are really windows to our hearts. This is not finishing there, I understand somehow why we can not escape from this world that we made, we lost the last piece of the puzzle which is buried deep inside of us without even being able to recognize it: we have an intense GUILT for what we think we committed, but I did not find the why of saying it here, I think that if this words resonate with you, you may find out what I'm talking about, if you feel that go study A Course In Miracle book, just forget all what you may think you know about that and if you know nothing of that teachings much better you are not yet contaminated with ideas or concepts about it. But go slowly, since real freedom is very near to you, you have to really go deep in the understanding of how everything works, you will do it since you want it, but you have to stop trying to keep your identity safe and at the same time becoming "enlightened", you have to chose once and for all in favor of your liberation, the ego is frightened about it, and you will Seriously threaten its thought system, sometimes it get worst while you are getting purified of yourself, but you will feel a light in your hands that even when is very strong you are healing, since is all about healing the mind that thinks is separate from what It is. You are not your idea of yourself, you are not your ego. If this don't resonate with you, is ok too, but I know that deep inside you there is such a Beautiful Song that you know is there, and you know you want to play it again. And I have news, you are nothing else but That, so you are safe in any situation, as the creation of That One who is perfect. you can not create yourself, you have a creator who made you perfect, that is where all freedom comes. Ayahuasca and A Course in Miracles are 2 tickets to a real understanding (not in the mind) but understanding from what you really are, as is not just philosophical meaningless words, they are directed to one part of the mind that knows the Truth, for which all help is there. This path is becoming serious, From A course in Miracles: ..you can not be in 2 worlds at the same time, you have to chose Truth or false self (ego). I'm still struggling with lot of fears and anxiety, but little by little we make that decision to be what we really are, this is what is keeping me undoing my false self, and feeling more an more connected to that one Love that as one of your posts stated, is the only thing that exists, the way is long, but is as safe as God, and the end of this way there is an eternal laugh for what we forget. With lot of Love and humility. Samuel