Iiris

I’ve became better at asking people questions. I used to always stress about saying something clever or funny in a conversation. The more I tried to do that the more terrible shit came out of my mouth. Now I just ask questions. I don’t have to be clever, funny or special to be nice to be around And I have to say another thing now, writing feels pretty hard for me. I feel like I talk about stuff with no point, just wandering around. It might be that it’s hard for me to express myself in this way or it might be that I’m just plain stupid lol. Sometimes I feel like I don’t really have anything to say. Often I write something and come to the conclusion that it’s absolute nosense. Maybe I’m just too self-critical, I don’t know.

@How to be wise I’ve watched that video. When I was watching it I thought that I was pretty patient. After some time I realized that I’m only patient about external stuff, about internal stuff I’m very impatient. Like I understand that it takes time to build a good life. But then I expect myself to be able to relate well to every situation, not understanding that it takes time to learn that

@DrewNows Yeah I guess it isn’t just enough to go out of my comfort zone and suffer. I have to accept and be aware of the suffering. And thanks for the article. I’ve noticed that there’s nothing to fear in this moment. I just got to embody it

Yes it will. That's really frustrating sometimes, I put so much effort into this and I feel like I get nowhere. But I just have to accept and be patient Thanks for your encouraging comment

Today I realized that I fear failure, in every aspect of life. I want to succeed and be perfect and move as fast as possible but life doesn't work like that

We just played with my band to an audience of about five people plus the other performers there It doesn’t matter. I felt good there at first. I talked to people and laughed with them. I was being awkward sometimes but I felt like I belonged there. Then we started playing and I went to my shell. I felt like I played badly and I felt like I wasn’t good enough to play in that band. I didn’t look at my bandmates when I was playing and after it because I was ashamed. I wasn’t shitty but I was very mediocre and boring. After we played I was really in my shell and depressed and just wanted to cry. I felt like everyone either hates me or feels sorry for me. Right now there’s shame, loneliness and despair. Nice. I don’t usually feel this shitty I just like to write when I feel like this I don’t know if music is my thing. I’m too anxious to know

i just played at a concert and I feel lonely and depressed. I really don't wonder why so many rockstars were drug addicts. I just want to keeeeep playing with people but I got to go to sleep. I don't think that is going to work out. I feel like I didn't put all into my playing. I didn't fuck up once but I was thinking too much. I didn't have time to write this post I should really be doing school stuff. But I don't have any motivation for school stuff right now. I want to play music. Yeasterday I was very motivated for school. My passions switch fucking quickly. Like one day I see some guy talk about medical school and I'm like yes I'm going to be a doctor!!!!!!! And then I read the chemistry book for three hours with great interest. Next day I play at a concert and want to be a musician. Then the next day I go for a hike and I want to be a fucking adventurer or something. Then I listen Leo talk about the Ox and I want to be a zen master teaching zen. And the list goes on. And some days I just feel anxious because I don't know what the fuck I want to be I want to play music but I'm socially anxious. Let me cry myself to sleep. And it didn't help me when dad said "That one guy played really well. And he was, like very social too. I think he is going to be something." Fuck everything. I guess I'm never going to be anything because I'm just mediocre And now I can't even be depressed in peace because I hear my dad complaining about his terrible life. I want to be complaining about MY terrible life I have meditated three days straight. That feels like an accomplishment. Meditation is amazing. Best 20 minutes in my day is when I meditate. I start to feel like I'm floating above my seat and I connect with being. I remember when I started meditating. I think I was worse at it than an average person. I always ended up folded in half eating my fingers or something and neurotically thinking about stuff, unable to stop I'm just going to put this song here because I love it and I'm about go to to shower and sing it

My amount of trying has been evenly uneven. I decide to be a good human being and mindful and everything, and then I give up and decide to start later. It's so obvious and stupid and I still do it. I'm doing it right now. I wonder how long I'll be able to fool myself with this. I lack patience. I thought that I'm patient but I'm very impatient. It takes time to learn to live life well and I don't want to accept that. I think that I fear life and want to escape it in being perfect

Yesterday I had the most disgusting experience of my life. I was in a forest with my dog and I found her EATING A FUCKING RABBIT. Like she eats shit everyday but a rabbit is a bit worse. Thinking about it now makes me want to throw up. But with my determination I held my dog up from her collar until she let go of that thing. That situation made me realize that my dog is a bloodthirsty beast And about social anxiety, I'll try to start meditating just before I go to social situations that I'm anxious about. That might give me more benefit that just meditating at some random time because that helps me to learn to deal with my anxiety

There are many little things that I could write about. But I don't know if I can autentichally start writing about them because those things were in the past and now I'm here and they aren't relevant anymore. And my life isn't falling apart like my last post made you understand. I slept and I feel better now I'm always so ashemed of my writings here. I don't have to be. When I write what is true for me right now I'm not doing anything wrong. Maybe some time later those things aren't true for me anymore and I feel ashamed. But the things I write here don't have to be true all the time. I just write about moments, nothing more. I am not what I write here. My writings are just expressions of parts of me that used to be. Okay right now I feel like everything I write here is stiff. It's hard to put my thoughts and ideas into proper sentences. Ugh whatever, I'm going to leave this bad journal post here and go to eat the leftover pizza

Okay I've made so goddamn many journal posts in my head here today, but right now I don't feel like writing those. Maybe I would get excited about the topic as I was writing it, but idk I don't have energy to actually write anything big or broad or great or anything that I have to use brain power to write. Right now I can just feel my sleep deprivation and it's bad. I don't know why I have to cause myself unnecessary suffering for staying up too late but I still do it. I haven't been this tired in a long long time. And all my other good habits are fucking falling apart. I've watched hours and hours and hours of the stupidest youtube videos. Don't even ask about my meditation. I have to get my shit together. I'm not saying that I'm going to get my shit together because I won't fucking do that . It's easier to say that I have to get my shit together When I had my crazy self-destructive teen phase going on I used to get too little sleep on purpose. I guess I thought that would make my anxiety better because well, when I'm tired it's kinda like I'm drunk. This is so stupid I have a healthy body that does everything for me and here I am just fucking throwing it into the trashcan. Thank you body. The amount of ungratefullness is insane. I got to do something about this (but I'm not going to). Okay I'm going to bed early today because really I'm so tired it's impossible to stay awake. I PROMISE And, "the music event that I have to perform in" anxiety is increasing. Always when I think that maybe everything is going to be okay my mind reminds me of that goddamn music event

It's over 8pm right now. And the fucking sun won't set. It looks like it's still day outside. I'm home alone. My parents are at some theater and my little sister said four hours ago that she's "going out". She hasn't even gotten out of primary school and she's going out already. I should be the one who goes out in this family. I'm trying to reach my little sister because she should be home already but she won't answer. I hear mopeds on the road next to our house. I feel like everyone is having fun except me. Our dog just lost her shit for some reason and started barking like crazy. I got frightened but apparently no one is going to murder me. I really don't wonder why suicide rates are higher at spring. I can't handle this amount of light and it's only going to get worse. I am tired and I feel like shit. I haven't done anything reasonable today, I've just been lazy. Everything feels weird. It almost feels like I'm on some different planet or something. But at least it feels nice to complain about all of this

It feels bad but also keeps me alive I guess

Haha okay I'm glad to hear others do it too I'm not really neurotically checking this place anymore, I used to do that just after I started this journal. I don't know, maybe if I someday really feel like changing this picture I'll do it and see what it feels like, I can always put the old one back Yeah it's funny how I often manage pretty well the situations that I think are almost impossible for me. Sometimes I even deal better with new scary situations than the everyday ones

I'm considering taking my face off this profile picture. I can sometimes be a bit obsessed with this journal. If I changed the picture I maybe wouldn't care so much about this journal and I maybe could write more authentically, because it would be less "me" who is writing this stuff. And I wouldn't be so goddamn ashamed of everything I put here I survived the music event press conference. Bonus point for that I don't even have to be very ashemed of myself! When I got home I saw that my left eye mascara had smudged and it looked quite stupid. That's probably why that one guy gave me a weird look there But yeah I had to tell about my "history" and I was suprised how relaxedly I was talking about it. And I thought it would be terrible when they would take pictures of us, but it was only relatively awkward (I'm glad that my hair was in a way that it covered my stupid looking mascara). Actually the whole thing was only relatively awkward when I thought it would be unbearable. Yay! And the band members still don't talk to each other. After the conference I said to the singer something like "I was really nervous about this". I guess she missed it because she didn't anwser. Things got awkward and I escaped the building as fast as I could, avoiding eye contact. At least I tried. After the conference I was half-excited half-terrified about our performance. Now I'm not that excited anymore. How are we going to perform if we can't communicate? Please don't laugh at this ridicilous band situation of mine

To be honest I laughed fife minutes straight when I saw Leo's new style. He's becoming such a sage . But it's awesome to see him grow so much, I'm inspired! I don't know if I have a right to be inspired because I've been skipping hell of a lot of meditation. I basically meditate every other day now. It's just so fucking hard to sit my ass down. And the two times I meditated this week I was really just falling asleep the whole time. Because I haven't slept either. I've been listening to music until 4 am every other night. What's going on with my life? I have to shape up. I've just been becoming better at meditating. The do nothing technique works wonders for me. Some time ago I realized that I've been doing it wrong all the time. I've been trying to do something, let go of my thoughts or something. Then I realized that the point is to DO NOTHING. For god's sake, it's the name and I didn't get it. After that realization I've been getting wonderful moments of just being when meditating. And also after that I started avoiding meditation even more seriously.. This journal is about my social anxiety but I don't want to talk about it all the time. I want to talk about something in which I am at a normal person level. I want to talk about the things I'm interested in and good at.

Hehe

@Shin I've actually watched that video at some desperate moment of mine. It has great advice, I've seen those things work in my own life too

My little sister was just telling my parents how she's the cool one from their children and I'm the loser and nobody That hurts........ And I just heard that terrible shit is gonna happen. We play at that music event with that band of mine and I have to go to some press conference next week because of it. I don't even know what that is, but it sounds scary as fuck. Also time is running too fast and the music event is gonna be in less than two months. Every time I think about it, ANXIETY. Could I get super enlightened or something before that so that it wouldn't matter if I fucked up everything ? Or could I have some weird energy release and just scream out my social anxiety ? Probably not, I have to face the terror. I don't know how I'll survive that. But also I don't know how I could die there. I guess I'll still be alive after that somehow. I am not the least bit excited about this. One day I actually was but not anymore. There are phases when I don't worry about this event much. I think that it's not too big of a deal. But then there are phases when it's absolutely overwhelming to think about it. God. Why aren't I excited at all? This is the coolest thing ever! It's only a possibility. No one really cares if it turns into a diaster. I could have fun playing there... But wait a minute I can't even have fun when we are practicing because of my anxiety. *sigh* this is hopeless. Too much for me

Lol I guess it is

@Zigzag Idiot Oh sorry, I completely misunderstood you. My father never really says that he’s sorry. But probably when he’s being overly nice it’s because he’s feeling guilty. And I can’t say he’s not trying to be a good father. I know he wants his children to be happy. He has just so much of his own shit, and when he tries to do something to make us better human beings he usually makes us worse.

@NoSelfSelf Yea, if I don’t get angry at him for being angry, his anger doesn’t get more fuel. It’s just kinda hard to not get triggered. But sometimes I’ve been able to detach from that

@NoSelfSelf Yeah he has a lot of issues with his mental health and he’s quite narcissistic too i guess. Trying to keep a distance is probably good. Otherwise I just get poisoned by him

@Zigzag Idiot Thanks for ur comment! I don’t know if my anger is that big of a problem. I wouldn’t consider myself a person who gets angry easily. Mainly just my father makes me angry. And I usually don’t express my anger so there’s not much to feel guilty about. But of course I have to work on this anger cause things might get worse

I thought I had complained about this enough, but my mama was gone for four days and at that time I realised how much of dad's negativity she has to handle. Because I had to handle all of it now, and it was a lot. I could hear him breath downstairs and I would get angry, because I heard that he was angry and frustrated with no reason like always. And the way he tries to raise my little sister... my god. One time we were eating I felt like crashing my plate on his head. Then he suddenly asks me something very nicely, and I get confused and can't do anything but answer nicely. Then gets back into angry mode and starts annoying me again. That's how he is, one moment he's almost overly nice and playful, next moment he's frustrated with everything and everyone. And when mum came back I could see how much of her energy goes to trying to deal with my dad. I don't even understand how she's able to smile and be positive when my dad goes around all angry. She tries to use humour to make dad more self-conscious, but of course dad doesn't laugh because his life is bad and we don't understand. I may be taking sides too much. My mother isn't a perfectly good human being. And my father can be nice and funny. And it's not his fault that he is an asshole sometimes. He didn't really have a choice. He's a result of his circustamces. I can learn from him.