Iiris

This is funny

This song is so warm and comforting! Like a hug

?❤️

I had to stop earlier than I planned because my muscle spasms started getting painful. I had pretty intense spasms in my hands and arms. Should I do something about them or just keep on going the same way?

Going there, slowly but surely!

@DrewNows Thank you ❤️

Social anxiety isn't gone yet. I actually think that it's worse because I've been staying a lot in my comfort zone since it's summer. I'm very bored and frustrated. I need to get the hell out of this house but I'm trying to push through this until I'm done with high school. I haven't studied this summer nearly as much as I was supposed to. I'm trying to do a bit of everything so there's not so much time to study. I don't know if I should just give up everything and keep my eyes on a book from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep until the baccalaureate (what a fucking word) is over. Because I've secretly set this goal to get the best grades in almost everything just in case I wanna be a doctor or something. But I don't want to give up anything that I'm doing right now. I feel like everything I do is important. I have 0 real friends and that sucks. I want friends. But in a way I also don't want friends. I'm thinking if I don't really even care about people, if I just care about what I can get from them. I don't want to be like that but I might be. If I had no self-control I would throw a chair at my father. He's destroying everyone in this family. Again I need to get away from this house. I don't understand how mom just laughs when dad is acting like a fucking narcissistic asshole. Overall I'm pretty frustrated with life right now. I'm just trying to keep on going. Hopefully downhill will come. And I have to come up with some study plan

Yup that's true. All my problems boil down to me believing that some things are good and some bad. Letting that go is way easier said than done though

Thanks!! I’m glad to hear that No but that makes sense ? Oh my god ??

Recordings went better that I expected. We didn't really have time so some of my playing there is shitty but I'm trying not to care because I tried my best. Of course I still care. I think it was good for me to hear my playing because I realized how much I bend out of tune and how shitty timing I sometimes have. I don't notice it when I play because I'm too excited. I'm glad a friend of mine was working there, it made me more relaxed. I hope Leo doesn't turn into a mass murderer. Also I've been thinking if I'm the only one here or not. I don't know how that's possible to know. But I don't really care too much about that. Also now when I sit on the sofa I feel like a giant god in my cosmic living room and it's COOL I had a high moment yesterday. I went to see Rocketman last week, it was a great movie and made me kinda obsessed with Elton John's music. We have some vinyls of his and yeasterday I was home alone and put them playing. I was dancing, one with the music. It was beautiful and joyful. And if I tell more I'll appear to be nuts I'm sorry I put nothing but music here anymore but I just fucking have to. This is an eargasmic song

@DrewNows Thanks for the video, that’s some very important stuff! I had a crazy big gap in my understanding before watching those two videos ❤️?

I'm stuck in giving up and then trying again thinking that this time I won't fuck up and give up. So stuck. One day I do everything perfectly and next day I binge watch youtube. I know this pattern so goddamn well and can't get rid of it. I get resistance. Then I start being lazy. Then I waste my time. Then I get stressed about wasting my time. I can't accept that I'm wasting my time. Then I decide that from tomorrow I won't waste my time. Then I feel like I have my life together. What am I afraid of? I know I have to accept myself. I have to accept the part of myself that hates when I'm lazy and the part that is lazy. Yesterday I watched a Teal Swan video about fragmentation and it really opened my eyes Today I drove a car on a road for the first time. I was terrified and sweared a lot. I seriously once had a nightmare about driving on that same road not knowing where the brake is I thought my cousin doesn't like me but today she asked if we could go travel somewhere after high school. I said fuck yes. She doesn't hate me and I'm paranoid! We have recordings with that band next week. I'm a bit terrified. I don't want to see everyone listen my shitty playing being played over and over and over again. I know it's not shitty. But still I make ALOT of mistakes. And I don't even fucking know how to play those songs. I just went with the help of holy spirit in that concert too. Oh god. I've just been trying to turn my anxiety into excitement Oh and this song is sooo beautiful, I've been singing it literally everywhere

I've been worrying less. I noticed that because yesterday I worried about future like I once used to and it felt bad. I rarely worry like that anymore. I don't think I really get how much I've grown. I shut down useless thoughts all the time. It wasn't like that like two years ago. I feel like I'm getting nowhere with being social. I fear people as much as I used to. In the winter I filled some kind of paper about mental health with my psychologist and I did it again now. I rated many things worse this time, and nothing was better The psychologist told me that it's probably because I'm more aware of these things and it's true. I've especially noticed how crazy amounts of shame I hold. It's terrible. Deep down I think that I don't belong in this world. I feel so bad for myself that I feel like crying right now. I also wanted to cry when I was writing my previous post It's a good thing I think. I've been getting annoyed by everyone and everything and I lack compassion. Just like my father. It especially disturbs me how rude I am to mum. She tries to talk to me and I answer her questions as shortly as possible to let her know her questions annoy me. The moment I do that I feel bad about it. Then I look at her and think about how bad I'll feel when she's dying and I'm sitting next to her thinking about how I wasn't kind enough. A book said that healing my relationships heals my sense of self-worth. I don't know how I heal my relationships. I don't want to do that. It means that I have to uncomfortable stuff. I am so distinct from even my family members that I can't feel love towards them I went to see that guy and he told me to look at people. So I've been trying to stare them as much as I can and remember. I definitely have problems with eye contact I feel more motivated about this journal again. I will try to write here more like this was a private journal Honestly I can't even look at my previous posts and my profile picture This is terrible I try to push my eyes there but it hurts. I didn't really want to write that because I don't want you to know that I'm so crazy that I can't look at my picture or posts. And I don't want you to know that I don't hang out with anybody. Because jesus I am ashamed of that This song plays in my head regularly

I wonder what the hell I'll be writing here in the summer because I'm doing absolutely nothing then. Probably I should ask my cousin to go to some music fesival with me. She's honestly my only friend I actually want to be my friend. Jesus. I just want people to do crazy stuff with. I fucked up all my good previous friendships. I never asked anyone to hang out with me because I was too anxious and people just faded away from my life. Writing this post has taken too long. I've been sitting here for like 45 minutes. Between each scentence I stare out of the window for at least 5 minutes and just think. Why is this so hard for me. Okay I'm laughing my ass off right now this post is so depressing : D Idk why I'm writing this journal. Often I feel like I'm coming here and trying to push out some text and everything I write feels unauthentic. It might be that I just write here because afraid of what will happen if stop this. If I stop I'm alone with my struggles A good thing is that ice hockey world championship is going on and I can distract myself with that

@DrewNows =D

Yup that's true. If I started to study music it would be easy to find people to play with. But probably I could also find them otherwise. And I can always compose by myself If I take that gap year I have 1.5 years to consider this. Anything can happen in 1.5 years. Especially if I go crazy adventuring around the planet

It went well lol. I was sure it was going to end up with people throwing tomatoes at me or something. But people liked us. I had a complete blackout during the first song and played absolutely random stuff but no one apparently even noticed it. My solos were better than ever. I got these moments of enthusiasm when I was playing them. I wouldn't want to change anything about the thing. I played as good as possible. Three strangers told me I was great. I felt pretty cool. My aunt asked if I had thought about going to a conservatoire. That would be cool. The problem is just that if I didn't get gigs I would have to work some lame-ass job until retirement because I have no education. And I'd rather kill myself than do that. So that option sounds risky. And I'm not good at making connections so success would be unlikely. For sure I know that my granpa regretted leaving music to become an engineer.

I’m sitting at backstage sweaty as fuck it’s like 30 celsius here. I’m excited to see if I’m first going to shit myself or throw up. Drunk people are probably going to judge me loudly. My hands are so sweaty I don’t know how will I be able to play

@OctagonOctopus Shit I didn’t even see your comment earlier, thanks for your encouragement @How to be wise Theory is overflowing and I’m having a hard time applying even one piece of it

@DrewNows ❤️

Sometimes I wonder if I’m doing this just because I’ve gone too far already and can’t quit because of that. But I do get flow when I’m playing alone or with people I’m comfortable with. I enjoy playing. And I’m very inspired to do it. When I watch some cool performance I feel like I have to be doing that. But when I play with people I don’t know super well, I feel anxious and can’t really enjoy. Maybe if I truly loved to play I would overcome that fear of judgement. I’m not completely sure if music is my thing. But I know that when I’m not afraid I really like playing. I go to play in occasions I’m not comfortable in because I hope that my anxiety gets easier and I’ll be able to enjoy some day On sunday in deep shame I’ll be telling here all the hundred things I messed up? Thaanks! @kamill ?Thanks for your tips, I will check out that course. Awareness alone is curative definitely. I hope we’ll get over this

The day after the day after tomorrow will be the concert that I've been worrying about over half a year. I've wondered what it will feel like to be here for so long and now I am here. Jesus. We just practiced for the last time and I'm not ready for this at all. But it doesn't matter. My strategy is that it doesn't matter what I play but how I play. And I have to keep the rhythm. That will work out when I play with involment and confidence. I can play whatever terrible notes I want to but I have to own them. And rather play too loud than too quiet. This isn't about succeeding, this is about growing. It would actually be good for me to fuck up a few times. That's what I need. So I hope I'll fuck up. I'm so not ready for this. Please god help me I once googled "shy musicians" and it made me feel better because they apparently exist There's nothing I can do anymore to help myself survive this. Expect being fully involved I'm still unsure and not ready. And the interaction between the band members is shit. But it's not only my fault.

I know it’s pretty crazy Me too, it starts this friday I feel like I can see pretty well what’s going on in his head. I can kinda understand him but I can’t feel compassion, just anger. Thanks, I know it’s great that I’m able to do that. It’s just that usually when I do something with my life I start to think all the things I’m not doing You’re right there’s no problem actually. It would have been good if I’d just cried and hated my life for some time. Instead I watched The voice top blind auditions until the sun started rising lol. No I haven’t. Taking medication doesn’t sound very tempting to me. But I could think about that ?Thanks

I played at a concert again and I feel depressed again. I don’t know what’s worse about social anxiety, the anxiety itself or thinking about how much I’ve missed on life because of it. I half-ass so many things that I could go fully into if I wasn’t anxious. It’s so sad that I can’t live my life. And I’m missing up opportunities and fucking up my future. Pretty depressing this whole thing, I just want to bask in self-pity. I wouldn’t really be happier though if I didn’t have social anxiety. Okay maybe a little, but I would create new things to be anxious and depressed about. I just have to be with what is.

The Concert is a week away. I have mixed feelings about it. They're alternating between fear, excitement, beforehand depression and even pride. I know I'll be depressed after that. I won't be going forward in this music thing because I haven't built connections. I think I might be playing a victim here. I want to say that my life is fucked because I'm like this, cry and quit. I think that I'll be able to survive the playing part. I'm not that bad at it anymore. Sometimes it's hard to notice growth because it happens so slowly. I really enjoy playing. I just played for almost 2 hours straight when it was supposed to be 30 mins. There aren't many things I get that engaged in. I was very concentrated but not relaxed at all. When I stopped I felt very stiff. It's always like that when I play, I'm kind of present but kind of not. Playing is really addictive to me My psychologist told me about some prgram for shy people. What I understood about it is that there's some guy who I see regurarly and I get some practical advice for him. Also there's some meetings where all the shy people get together. The whole thing is free, which is quite amazing. I said yes to it And also I just realized that I don't have to go straight to college from high school. I've always thought that I get some extra points from going straight to college, but apparently it isn't like that. And dear lord that's a good thing. I'm really sick of this whole education stuff. I need nothing more that a break from this. 12 years of my life I've been going to school and 17 years living in this same boring place. I just watched Leo's video about the phases and chapters and I really need to get to the phase where I pull back, whatever it's name was. So I'll probably take a year off and get the hell out of here and work as an au pair. It's exactly what I need. I'm really excited about it already. Also I want to go hiking and try to go to some meditation retreat. I want to go hiking to mountains. That's my biggest dream right now. My father is just having a conflict with my little sister and he annoys me. He's unpredictable. That's what makes it emotionally draining to live with him. I can't even be fairly angry at him because he just randomly starts being nice to everyone