Iiris

School started agaain and it wasn’t as bad as I though it would be. There’s too many people though and I feel like everyone is staring at me. Felt nice to talk to some people I watched Leo’s video about not giving a fuck again. I’m trying to seriously implement it this time. I’m glad there’s no Starbucks near by though. The technique only works at Starbucks right. I’m going to say the affirmation and be mindful atleast. Probably figure out something uncomfortable to do One of the rare things I want myself to do and also want to do is playing and singing. Jesus I love it. I was just playing and singing some songs and I loved it so much I started fucking laughing. Lovely song to sing I should’ve put this video of him here

This makes me want to let go

My legs are dead. Dead dead dead. I can barely walk in the bathroom of this hotel room. I have never appreciated being in hotel more. I love this bed and this bed loves me. Today my legs started shaking, but I still walked through a few mountains after that I underestimated everything, the difficulty and the beauty. Look at this. I didn’t know Finland has this.

Loved that, thanks That’s what I wanted you all to know I’m in this tent again. Biggest thing I’ve learned so far is that four nights is a lot more than one night

Right?! Makes me angry

I didn’t no worries ? ❤️ Thank youu ❤️

Thanks for making me regret that post less That's true. He did what we secretly want to do but are too afraid, and that's quite inspiring Probably this gets easier when I move out of here I just had an amazing evening. I played to the kids with the band and god, I felt free and happy. Like sometimes I feel stuck when I play guitar, like I have to force everything. When I play live I feel the opposite of that. My solos were on point. I didn't force them like I sometimes do, and I loved playing them, and it sounded beautiful and I loved it. And some random kid told me we were really good. The singer was like "I wish I could go to a bar with some of you but you're underage" and I was like "I just turned 18" and then we decided that we'll go to a bar. It wasn't almost awkward at all, even when we were sober. I'm suprisingly open when I'm with only one person and when I have no option but talk with them. We went to see some band at a bar that covered Jimi Hendrix and Stevie Ray Vaughan songs and that was like the second best thing after actual Stevie Ray Vaughan and Jimi Hendrix. Then we went to another bar and some local band played there. Before they started playing we were just talking about stuff and it was easy, maybe alcohol helped. I was just telling her that I have no real friends and it felt so good to tell that, I wasn't ashamed at all. When we left that place my chemistry teacher came to talk with us and he was absolutely wasted. When he left we laughed our asses off. I coudn't breathe. I was drunk enough to say her that we need to gs ao to some concert or music festival together and she was like yes and told that she hasn't had this much fun in a long time. I've lost all my good friendships because I've been too afraid to be in contact with those people and ask them to hang out with me. I've thought that I will just dissappoint them if I see them again, and it's better to keep the good impression that I have given. This is not going to end for the same reason. And tomorrow I will wake up at 8 am and start the great adventure, the battle for survival. What the hell am I about to do loll. I'll tell you how it went after six days SRV is my biggest inspiration in guitar. Look at that amazing shit '

My latest post is pretty stupid and I regret it I’m playing to 12-year-olds tomorrow. I’m somewhat anxious about it. Deep Purple played at the same stage last year so that’s pretty cool I’m worrying more about my upcoming hiking adventure in Lapland. I’m still not over the hell that I went trough in the woods some time ago hehe. Now it’s four nights and I have no escape. Send me strenght. I like hiking. I just don’t like sleeping cold and uncomfortable. Why am I complaining about everything in my life : D I noticed some time ago that I can’t look my dad in the eyes for longer than a sec. And when I do look at him I can’t keep my face straight. I have to lift my eyebrows and corners of my mouth and make this face. I can look at random people when I speak to them or listen to them but not my dad. Just shows how fucked up our relationship is My amount of motivation is waving. I was reading huge amounts of biology and meditating and all that for many days straight, then one night I coudn’t keep on going anymore and I watched baby orangutan videos until morning. Then the next day I was tired and felt lazy, and the next day and the next day which is today. It could be easier to accept my laziness if the day that defines my future (baccalaureate whatafuckingword) woudn’t be getting closer and closer while I’m not preparing for it I can’t spam the inspirational songs and music thread anymore. I love this song, it makes me happy and sad I’ve just been writing some shit in this journal for over half a year with no progress : D Oh god. Maybe I have some progress. Definitely not enough to clearly notice. But I have a new strategy now. I put clear, reachable goals for me in every social situation. It has made me hate myself less after those situations. And it probably helps me progress more. It makes me feel like I’m actually getting better

Someone has released my authentic self

This movie made me cry so much At the end of the movie I was crying and laughing at the same time because everyone in the room was crying like hell and I somehow found that funny

❤️

@Colin Thanks! I can’t sleep because I’m too stressed out because of the baccalaureate (again what a fucking word). I close my eyes and I start to think about all the shit that could happen if I don’t get nearly perfect results. I don’t care about the results themselves, but they’re my pass to college. I feel like I’m going a bit crazy. I wouldn’t even like to focus on school stuff, but I have to squeeze through this next half a year. I’ve been lazy all summer so now I have to speed up because school starts soon and then I won’t have time for reading extra stuff. Some people literally read all day but I can’t reach that I have other stuff I value. I can’t sleep so I’ll just go now to read more biology

A Finnish band played this song and I realized how much I love it even though the music style is not my favourite

Yess! She gets it

I finally realized that change is gradual. I’m not trying to be perfect in the same way anymore Do nothing meditation doesn’t work for me anymore. I’m just neurotically thinking and sometimes waking up from thought for ten seconds. It used to be vice versa. I’m trying mindfullness meditation again I’ve ended up in a situation where I have to go to a music festival with basically random people. I talked with the guy who works with people like me and he said that I have to set realistic goals for stuff like that. I think my goal is to just be there. Even though I know I’ll hate it if I’m not perfect. I still in a way don’t get that change is gradual. I’d like to be able to drink like everyone else. But it’s whatever, good music makes me relaxed and it’s too loud to talk anyways. I’ll just embrace my awkwardness and everything will be fine. When I try to fight and hide my awkwardness everything turns into shit

??

@Marc Schinkel I’m not sure if there’s a point but yeah that’s beautiful and almost Finnish ?

I noticed that really helps! And I survived! I appreciate the comfort of my own bed much more now. I freakin love my bed

@DrewNows Thank you for reminding. ? Everything is as it should be Btw that’s a funny sentence to think about when you’ve waken up in the middle of the night in the woods with a terrible headache and nausea and you’re too scared to even go walk around a bit ?? I have six hours of this hell left ? This experience better grow me as a human being. Imma stop looking at this phone, focus on the suffering and maybe try to sleep now

Yess I know I can love myself even when I hate myself Thanks I will! That’s lovely

In the mornings my emotions lean towards fear and shame. In the evenings it’s loneliness and a bit of depression. I don’t know why that cycle goes like that. Those emotions make me act in opposite ways. In the daytime I don’t do something because I fear and and then I regret it in the evening and kinda hate myself. And in the evening I might do something out of loneliness and then I regret it in the morning. Even though it never actually is anything bad. That whole thing is pretty painful. It feeds itself. That cycle happens on a shorter length during daytime too. I get fear when I’m with people. And I get lonely after. When I fear I don’t remember how it feels when I regret that I didn’t do something I’m afraid of. When I’m regretting I don’t remember how it feels to fear. I want to be special. But the whole point of being special that only few get that. And if I was special i wouldn’t even care. When I want something, I often can’t get it. When I let go of wanting it, I can get it. In either way, I don’t get the satisfaction for getting it. So sad. Looking from a certain point of view, life seems pretty hopeless. : ( Really painful to let go of some things. Lately I’ve been having to keep saying to myself ”itwillgetbetter itwillgetbetter”. It kind of helps. I just have to be aware and trust, even though I have no idea how it’ll be better. I’m going to spend a night in a forest with my mama tomorrow. Let’s hope I don’t have to fight with a bear. But if I do, I promise I will fight bravely and die without fear if it comes to that. I’m still not over this fucking scene ? And now I watched it again. I’m such a genius I’m going to sleep.

Guy’s voice has some emotion

I realized that I can’t get enlightened I can only die, and I don’t like that Apparently I’m going to play with that band at some event again. I was kinda disappointed when I heard that because I’m getting used to being comfortable and I thought I’d never have to play with those people again. I love my hobby so much. I’m not super scared though because the audience mostly consists of 12-year-olds. I don’t really have any musical ideas. But I like playing, it’s fun. I see everything as pictures. But I don’t like drawing. It frustrates the shit outta me. And it’s boring to me. Maybe that’s just because I can’t draw. I don’t know. I’m secretly a fantasy nerd. We have to read some books for school and now I have an excuse to read The Hobbit. Those worlds just intrigue me. I don’t know what’s the point of this ramble. Probably my life purpose This is good shit https://youtu.be/UvM2Cmi-YRU Sometimes I come to write here and act all playful like my social anxiety isn’t such a big deal and like life isn’t so serious and some other times I’m just depressed af

Yes I know, I can be whole. Sometimes that shit seems to be so stuck that I feel like I’ll always be like this. But I just have to patient and live from moment to moment