Sashaj

I am feeling better now. Something must have cleared, for now Reading all of my bullshit is quite sobering haha Thank you @winterknight, @DrewNows

It could be. I am afraid to let my ego run wild due to conditioning ie ego is bad and all that. And my ego will take me away from practice My last breakthrough came after extreme existential pain. Maybe I feel like I need the same pain to take me back to the peace that I felt last year? I used to have a healthy "observor" sub mind character but that guy is gone now. It must be tension, severe craving for peace. So silly isn't it. I know conceptually what afflicts me but another part of me can't let go. My "I" characters are in conflict

I feel like I need to hold it for longer, I am trying to destroy the ego...with the ego? I think I feel like the truth is hiding in the pain. But im not sure. IM afraid that Im doing it all wrong

@winterknight Its painful because of desire. Wanting and craving. And wanting things to be different to what they are now. Why not just drop this wanting? I don't know why I can't And wanting to be free. And wanting to drop it. The entire act is the suffering

OK thanks for your help I know what afflicts me but it is somehow stuck where as in another time I could see through it. Its like a severe ego revenge attack. Brutal. And a strong feeling of the old me. Yuck

@DrewNows Yes I've done psychedelics and had amazing breakthrough experiences and became one with God, rode wild unicorns through the clouds etc

@Preetom thanks ill watch it when I get home, im at work now

Ive been meditating on and off for decades. I lived in a forest monestry in Laos for some time and practiced under the Thai forest tradition with lineage back to the buddha All that is bullshit anyway. It is a vehicle like all of these practices. Unfortunately I have lost faith in this whole thing. I think my enlightenment experience was a delusion. I no longer believe in the idea of enlightenment or that I can be free of myself. I have regressed completely and am exhausted

Yes I see it conceptually only. My entire field pf vision has turned back into conceptual filter stronger than ever.

@DrewNows I had a deep enlightenment experience 6 months ago after decades of practice. Unfortunately it was short lived and now I am suffering more than ever. I will drop everything but it won't bring peace this time. I need to accept the hell that I have been flung into

I have explored ad nauseam I just want it all to end, to be free of all this shit that is "life"

I have had decades of seeking to no avail. This is all misery, I think within a few weeks I will end it all. Its been a trying process

To become untangled from all the thought illusions

Well thats even harder. Thanks anyway

The question is still confusing to me. I can't find an "I". Yet I feel like an "I". But if I tried to describe this I can't, nor can I "hold" this feeling of being me. I don't really know what to do next